Koi Pond

We met this other couple at the resort, Frank and Benny. We hung out with them a lot. Frank and Beans. Always makes her laugh.

Is there someone there? Who's there? I hear voices. Is somebody there? Yeah! Is someone here? I can't see you because I'm blind.

I fell into the pool of acid, eyes-first.

Blind Guy McSqueezy. How do I describe it? It is a character I've been workshopping, whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble.

The women in my improv class absolutely hate him.

Oh, because you spent so much on the wedding.

This conversation has two items on the agenda. Did we have a conversation scheduled?

I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim, track Jim, and destroy Jim.

Just like in the Bavarian fairytale. Only this time the mallard skins the toad alive.

And, of course, in this version, you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing.

I have recently taken a lover. Well, that's great. Congratulations. Who's the lucky lady? Pam's mom.

She drives a green Camry, And the seats go all the way down. All the way down.

Hey, Jim... Not now, Toby. My God! Jesus. Get the hell out of here, idiot!

I think you're underestimating Pam. I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy. No. Not more than anything.

Don't call her 'the mom.' She's right on my way home from work. Then take a different way home, man!

All right, I'll take surface streets.

Can you change my dinner reservations from four people to two? Sure. Is it okay if I put out some candy that Pam brought back from Puerto Rico? Sure. Thanks for asking.

Frank and Beans!

Oh, wow. That is amazing. I feel like a real Puerto Rican.

I don't know. I think Michael has a date. No. Yeah, I think you have a date. I don't, I don't. Come on.

I was probably going to break up with her anyway.

Part of the problem is she's the mother of a close friend of mine. Oh. More than a friend. A coworker. Oh, gossip. Who is it?

Who is it, Michael? Who? It's okay. No, no, no, no, no. No. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! No!

That could have gone one of two ways, but I never expected her to get upset.

There's an egg on your head And the yolk is running down. The yolk is running down. Feels good. There's a knife in your back And the blood is gushing down. The blood is gushing down.

Sleeping with Pam's mom. Sometimes dinner.

You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine.

No, I am not being dramatic, you are being crazy!

I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.

Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.

This aria is a joke. Really? What are you thinking? I was going to go with this one. Let me tell you something, if you respect him at all, you will get him something better.

Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter, and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday, I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself.

I have a way to make Scranton a better place. You could leave it.

Let's start by conserving our time and stop having these stupid meetings. No more meetings! No more meetings!

Hey, boo. Why are you crying? Yeah, I'll let you know how it goes. All right. Bye, pickle.

Who's pickle? Who's pickle? Pamela Morgan Beesly.

For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover? Don't call my mother your lover.

I'm caring, I'm generous. I'm sensual.

I don't think there's a whole lot of sleeping going on.

Sleep with my mom, just sleep with everybody's mom. No, no, no, no, no... Whoa! That's my mom you're talking about.

I am your boss and I may someday be your father, so get out. You are never going to be my father. You get out.

I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am. Me, too.

My mother's in a wheelchair. Well, he could still... I'm sorry about that.

Do you think that I should get a fedora? I don't think so, no. Why? I think I'd look really hot in one.

What the hell is a mallard? That! Oh, Professor Damon D. Duck. Jim gave him to me.

If you take it back, I'll scream.

You're so cool. This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas.

or you can sit on the shredder.

That's why they pay me the big bucks.

You know, I always knew if Michael just took the time to get to know me, we'd become friends.

What's the matter? Can't fight your own battles? Maybe you should just take the rest of the day off, you know?

Yeah, yeah, okay, you're a jackass.

You're just as stubborn as your mother. When you don't want to do something, you just don't do it.

Michael, you're just her rebound!

Frank and Beans.

Well, that is not going to happen. Then why did you even offer?

You know what? I'm going to start dating her even harder. What's that supposed to mean?

What's-her-face from Quiznos. I see her four times a week.

I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me.

Okay, just to be clear, you're terrible at this. And you're not equipped for espionage.

Oh! Where did you get that hat? I'd rather not say.

Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard. Make him feel safe. Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I'm not insane.