Carol Burnett

Carol:Yeah, I'm a doorman... To the sky. I'm a pilot.

Carol:I know. People wear flip-flops to church.

Carol:Sky law. It's when I put on the 'fasten seatbelt' sign, And no one's allowed to move till we've had ten minutes of silence. I made the whole thing up.

Carol:But she was bagging pretty hard on my TGS.

Carol:'He who spelt it, dealt it.'

Carol:You know what a great pilot would have done? Not hit the birds.

Carol:On time. I'm a pilot.

Carol:You walk briskly in a pilot's uniform, You can go pretty much anywhere. I've been upstairs in the white house while the obamas were sleeping.

Carol:As long as you're not Jewish. I'm totally kidding.

Jenna/Paul · Carol:That's a girl's name. It's a family name.

Carol:No, wait, actually that's a half-burned-down McDonald's

Carol:Who flies Newark to Atlantic City? Black bachelorette parties

Carol:Try five miles high. And no, I have not

Carol:No, but once, when I was in the Air Force, I saw Mr. T in a Pizza Hut

Carol:Yeah, but with a lot more volleyball

Carol:Sucked a mechanic into my engine once

Carol:The lady said they're all booked up for something called Jackfest

Liz · Carol:This is one of the three things in the world I like... Ina Garten, sweater weather, and... When Muppets present at award shows?

Carol:I'm not like Jeffrey Garten. I'm not as strong as that guy!

Carol:How many women have you been with? I'd rather not say. It's shameful. I mean, I'm a pilot... Six

Carol:Six.

Carol:why does Geico have three different spokespeople? They have the caveman, the lizard, and then the stack of money with the eyeballs

Liz · Carol:I'm on a waiting list to adopt a kid. Touched by a priest... it's fine

Carol · Liz:The in-flight meal was a frittata. Oh, my God. At night?

Carol:I also need you to TiVO Bones for me in case I survive.

Carol:I realize you're more important than everyone else on the flight, what with those Jets sweatpants...

Carol:Excuse me, young lady. Are you old enough to be traveling alone? I don't know. I'm going to visit my Nana, but I'm scared. Wait, that's too young. Roger that.

Carol:This is a $90-million aircraft, not a Tallahassee strip club.

Carol:And that is Sky Law.

Carol:to control the herds of walking mozzarella sticks who think that $300 and a photo ID gives them the right to fly through the air like one of the Guardian Owls of legend!

Carol:Well, good luck pressing 'Take Off', then 'Autopilot', then 'Land'.

Carol:I'm assuming you don't want to stop for gas in the middle of the ocean.

Carol:Stewart did not study dance at Carnegie Mellon to become a flight attendant to clean bathrooms.

Carol:Those potato chip bags are designed to be opened in flight. You open them at sea level, somebody could be killed.

Carol:including any lipless middle-aged women in lesbian clown shirts, should please be seated at this time.

Carol:Austin Powers on 'Crossfire', timely stuff.

Carol:I did not! I wanted the books to slide off!

Carol:Admit that I, as Captain of this vessel, was in the right. You were wrong to question me, and I was correct in my treatment of you and your fellow animals.

Carol:I am invoking Sky Law. You are now silenced, shrieking harpy.

Dr. Spaceman · Carol:Carol, they're towing your car! Damn it. My kids are in there.

Carol · Dr. Spaceman:I came all the way up to Westchester just to avoid you. This is Westchester? I am lost.