Carol Burnett

Yeah, I'm a doorman... To the sky. I'm a pilot.

I know. People wear flip-flops to church.

Sky law. It's when I put on the 'fasten seatbelt' sign, And no one's allowed to move till we've had ten minutes of silence. I made the whole thing up.

But she was bagging pretty hard on my TGS.

'He who spelt it, dealt it.'

You know what a great pilot would have done? Not hit the birds.

On time. I'm a pilot.

You walk briskly in a pilot's uniform, You can go pretty much anywhere. I've been upstairs in the white house while the obamas were sleeping.

As long as you're not Jewish. I'm totally kidding.

That's a girl's name. It's a family name.

No, wait, actually that's a half-burned-down McDonald's

Who flies Newark to Atlantic City? Black bachelorette parties

Try five miles high. And no, I have not

No, but once, when I was in the Air Force, I saw Mr. T in a Pizza Hut

Yeah, but with a lot more volleyball

Sucked a mechanic into my engine once

The lady said they're all booked up for something called Jackfest

This is one of the three things in the world I like... Ina Garten, sweater weather, and... When Muppets present at award shows?

I'm not like Jeffrey Garten. I'm not as strong as that guy!

How many women have you been with? I'd rather not say. It's shameful. I mean, I'm a pilot... Six

Six.

why does Geico have three different spokespeople? They have the caveman, the lizard, and then the stack of money with the eyeballs

I'm on a waiting list to adopt a kid. Touched by a priest... it's fine

The in-flight meal was a frittata. Oh, my God. At night?

I also need you to TiVO Bones for me in case I survive.

I realize you're more important than everyone else on the flight, what with those Jets sweatpants...

Excuse me, young lady. Are you old enough to be traveling alone? I don't know. I'm going to visit my Nana, but I'm scared. Wait, that's too young. Roger that.

This is a $90-million aircraft, not a Tallahassee strip club.

And that is Sky Law.

to control the herds of walking mozzarella sticks who think that $300 and a photo ID gives them the right to fly through the air like one of the Guardian Owls of legend!

Well, good luck pressing 'Take Off', then 'Autopilot', then 'Land'.

I'm assuming you don't want to stop for gas in the middle of the ocean.

Stewart did not study dance at Carnegie Mellon to become a flight attendant to clean bathrooms.

Those potato chip bags are designed to be opened in flight. You open them at sea level, somebody could be killed.

including any lipless middle-aged women in lesbian clown shirts, should please be seated at this time.

Austin Powers on 'Crossfire', timely stuff.

I did not! I wanted the books to slide off!

Admit that I, as Captain of this vessel, was in the right. You were wrong to question me, and I was correct in my treatment of you and your fellow animals.

I am invoking Sky Law. You are now silenced, shrieking harpy.

Carol, they're towing your car! Damn it. My kids are in there.

I came all the way up to Westchester just to avoid you. This is Westchester? I am lost.