Carol Burnett

Carol:Yeah, I'm a doorman... To the sky. I'm a pilot.

Carol:Generally speaking, if there's a delay of more than 20 minutes, I might as well be driving a party bus.

Liz Lemon · Carol:A terrorist? / No. I wish. It's a drunk lady.

Carol:Sky law. It's when I put on the 'fasten seatbelt' sign, and no one's allowed to move till we've had ten minutes of silence. I made the whole thing up. But, you know, people are stupid, so they don't question it.

Carol:She was bagging pretty hard on my TGS... Basically the greatest thing ever on television.

Carol · Liz Lemon:There's the one fart doctor sketch where this fart doctor's trying to figure out who farted in the spelling bee, and he's like... 'He who spelt it, dealt it.' / I wrote that. I write all of the fart doctors.

Liz Lemon · Carol:Would you like to go to a rich girl's wedding with me? / I don't know. Does that sound like more fun than me eating alone at the LaGuardia Chili's?

Carol:You know what a great pilot would have done? Not hit the birds. That's what I do every day — not hit birds. Where's my ticket to the Grammys?

Carol:You walk briskly in a pilot's uniform, you can go pretty much anywhere. I've been upstairs in the White House while the Obamas were sleeping.

Carol:I'm sure you could get a cab on Houston. / Yeah, I'm gonna depart. On time. I'm a pilot.

Carol:Those dirtbags can wait on the runway a couple more hours. I hate people too.

Carol:As long as you're not Jewish. I'm totally kidding.

Carol:I can't believe I'm meeting 1 1/2 Jenna Maroneys right now.

Carol:No, wait, actually that's a half-burned-down McDonald's.

Carol:St. Louis-Newark, Newark-Atlantic City, Atlantic City to Newark, and then I'll be there. Who flies Newark to Atlantic City? Black bachelorette parties. Gotta go.

Carol:Try five miles high. And no, I have not.

Carol:No, but once, when I was in the air force, I saw Mr. T in a Pizza Hut.

Liz · Carol:Was the air force like Top Gun? Yeah, but with a lot more volleyball.

Liz · Carol:You ever kill anyone? Sucked a mechanic into my engine once.

Carol:Ooh. [flowers left by passenger in first-class lavatory]

Liz · Carol:I just can't believe that every Starwind suite in the city is taken. Me neither. The lady said they're all booked up for something called Jackfest.

Carol · Liz:First thing you need is tequila... Stop. Wait. No. The Barefoot Contessa... I love this show.

Carol · Liz:This is one of the three things in the world I like... Ina Garten, sweater weather, and... When Muppets present at award shows? Wow, yes! Me too.

Carol · Liz:I've never met anyone before who had the exact same idea as me about what to do with Palestine. It would work, right? Of course it would work.

Carol:No, no, I can't... I can't live like this anymore. I'm not like Jeffrey Garten. I'm not as strong as that guy!

Carol · Liz:I can't go from woman to woman to woman anymore... How many women have you been with? I'd rather not say. It's shameful. I mean, I'm a pit. Six. Oh, that's not so great.

Carol:I mean, I had to kick an obese teen off the flight to get a seat, but I really wanted to talk to you.

Carol:That's actually not even part of my personality. That's just something that happens to people who change altitude more than four times a day.

Liz · Carol:Is that also why you got so mad watching the Giants game? No, that was because why does Geico have three different spokespeople?

Liz · Carol:And the fake Rod Serling guy. Oh, my God, right. Thank you.

Carol:I mean, you see how good we are together? Look, Liz, I want this.

Carol · Liz:All right, let's each say one thing about ourselves that the other person doesn't know on the count of three. Ready? One, two, three. I'm on a waiting list to adopt a kid. Touched by a priest... it's fine. Wait, what?

Liz Lemon · Carol:Carol, I knew you wouldn't forget me today. / No nonessential chatter, Liz. I'm having the worst flight of my life. Wind shears, lightning, severe turbulence. The in-flight meal was a frittata. / Oh, my God. At night?

Carol · Liz Lemon:I need you to go to my apartment and just clear out all the porn before my mom gets there. / That's it? / I also need you to TiVo Bones for me in case I survive.

Liz Lemon · Carol:You can't use cell phones on planes. / No, that's just something we tell passengers.

Carol · Kevin (co-pilot):I think I just really screwed up something with my girlfriend. / I have always loved you. / Not now, Kevin. / Copy that.

Carol:Not like the stuff I saw in the Air Force, of course. Like this one time a bunch of us pilots went to a haunted house in Germany. That was messed up.

Liz Lemon · Carol:We're not 'stubborn'. We're principled. / Well, that would only be a problem if I had any flaws.

Carol:I realize you're more important than everyone else on the flight, what with those Jets sweatpants...

Carol · Young Girl:Excuse me, young lady. Are you old enough to be traveling alone? I don't know. I'm going to visit my Nana, but I'm scared. — Wait, that's too young. — Roger that.

Carol:This is a $90-million aircraft, not a Tallahassee strip club.

Carol:Stewart, 2118 that guy.

Carol:And that is Sky Law.

Carol:I'm going to Raleigh for a business meeting. I'm a businessman. I'm not an air marshal.

Carol:Thanks for choosing Air Bike.

Liz Lemon · Carol:There's a man on the wing! — We haven't taken off yet. It's just a mechanic.

Carol:And NBC sitcoms that didn't make the schedule. [as in-flight entertainment on the plane]

Carol:Okay, you want to know a little pilot secret, besides the fact that we get a discount at Sunglass Hut?

Carol:The 'half-an-hour' thing is a trick... to control the herds of walking mozzarella sticks who think that $300 and a photo ID gives them the right to fly through the air like one of the Guardian Owls of legend!

Carol:Well, good luck pressing 'Take Off', then 'Autopilot', then 'Land'.

Carol:About half an hour. [beat after Liz and Carol reach a moment of calm]

Carol:Stewart did not study dance at Carnegie Mellon to become a flight attendant to clean bathrooms.

Carol:Negative. Those potato chip bags are designed to be opened in flight. You open them at sea level, somebody could be killed.

Carol · Liz Lemon:Like that police horse you yelled at? — If I can't poop on the street, why should my tax dollars pay for someone else to?

Carol:All passengers, including any lipless middle-aged women in lesbian clown shirts, should please be seated at this time.

Carol:...especially Stewart, who often makes up hurtful nicknames for me, like Mr. Bumpy Landing.

Carol:Austin Powers on 'Crossfire', timely stuff.

Carol · Liz Lemon:You're so stubborn when you think you're right. Even when the answer is on the Trivial Pursuit card! — The card was wrong!

Liz Lemon · Carol:And you're no better, Carol! You built that bookshelf incorrectly! — I did not! I wanted the books to slide off!

Carol:I will take us back to the gate when you stand up in front of my crew and my passengers and admit that you were wrong. / ...and I was correct in my treatment of you and your fellow animals.

Liz Lemon · Carol:I'd rather die on this plane. — That can be arranged.

Carol:Well, folks, from the flight deck, it looks like it's going to be another half-hour...

Carol:I am invoking Sky Law. You are now silenced, shrieking harpy. Stop speaking!

Airplane Passenger · Carol · Liz Lemon:Maybe this is one of those times where both of you just say on the count of three, 'I was wrong.' — One, two, three... — Never!

Carol · Liz Lemon:[Owl movie: Soren. Eglantine. Your journey is at an end.] — Sorry. / I hope we can still be friends.

Dr. Spaceman · Carol:Carol, they're towing your car! / Damn it. My kids are in there.