Professor Ian Duncan

'Genius at law' / 'you got to stop saying that' / 'i will never do that'

I still cannot figure out how you gonna join September the 11th with my DUI

Duncan's chalupa story - ordering food from emergency call box during DUI

Duncan: 'I do love America, I do love it, very much. I love chalupas.'

You're trying to use reverse psychology on a psychologist? / No, I'm just using regular psychology on a spineless British twit

Duncan wanting Jeff's Lexus for test answers and ball warmers comment

Duncan: 'I've been divorced seven times. Sometimes, I think I'm doing something wrong.' / Jeff: 'You keep getting married.'

hey, british dentistry is not on trial.

do you mind if we have this conversation in a room with less balls?

thinking maybe fridays, nine-ish, something like that.

does he know he stole it? i don't think so. let him enjoy it.

You know, you don't actually have to lie on a sofa like it's a Woody Allen movie.

There are bugs on the windshield of your mind you may never be able to squeegee, like a certain birthday party attended by a rather enterprising transient in a dinosaur costume.

Your mouth looked like a coin purse.

Or may I say, 'meow-chelle'?

Jeff and Britta did, uh, the Yankee Doodle. Oh, don't tell me that didn't make it to the States. It clearly originated here.

Your lipstick looks better.

My name is Professor Ian Duncan, and I would like to rap for you. Drop a beat. My name is Ian Duncan, and I'm here to say, I'm going to rap to the beat in a rapping way, I've got a real big penis, and I drink lots of tea

Who is it here who has a dalmatian fetish?

Now, I don't normally teach anthropology, but apparently professor bauer tried to strangle mr. Winger and has been put on administrative leave with pay.

Seriously, does anyone know? / - you, in the boobs.

Wow! Wow. I thought psychology was a racket.

I'm not actually drunk, and I can prove it. I blew beneath the legal limit just this morning.

Fascinating. And publishable.

I am a professional. And you are tampering with a highly delicate book deal. I mean, human being.

I'm not just a psych professor. I'm also a Christmas wizard.

You have a drum.

I don't know! We never know! Mom won't stop crying! I'm going to America with grandma!

Bloink!

Hey, not the face.

I have stopped drinking. Mainly due to the fact that I could no longer get an erection.

Now that I'm on the wagon, you can expect both this class and my penis to be more focused and rewarding.

You promised the study group? Whip, crack! I'll see you at precisely 6:30, or as the English call it, gravedigger's biscuits.

I'll see you at precisely 6:30, or as the English call it, gravedigger's biscuits.

Pretty exciting first half. Yeah, 0-0. Electrifying.

Hey. In England, fanny means vagina, right? In England, everything means vagina.

In england we call them Italian fannies.

It's weird, but I've never heard of Magnitude before tonight. He's a one-man party! Oh, yeah! Pop, pop!

Don't know. Don't care. But so far, you're all getting As.

Throw paper balls at her head until she sits down.

It's Troy. / Hey, the man wants to give Darrell an A, let him do it.

Question number two: How awesome is it that this class is fake?

And that is what Jews do at weddings.

You know, like that film Children of the Corn.

Do you know what, I have left the exam paper in my office. But it is a real doozy. There is an interactive element. A performance component. And I don't want to tip it, but there may be a lump of clay coming to everyone in the room.

Well, a lot more are conceived. / No, Paul, that's off the record and not true. Sort of.

Greendale community college is a total joke. They'd give a degree to a monkey.

She's still alive, but I've put in my time.

We know that he hates money or loves it or doesn't care about money and hates butts or loves them.

Real fans call him Dave.

I use an older, British form of Facebook called 'mug-scroll.'

Oh, bloody hell, my shoe is untied by British standards.

Oh, bloody hell, my shoe is untied by British standards.

I'm not afraid to push a girl into make-believe lava. In fact, it's been my primary strategy

This is why the English never win any sports. 'cause everyone else cheats!

And then we'll have some cakes, party hats, birthday stuff! / I'm sorry, birthday stuff?

Well, it's starving children with cleft palates, Britta. What part would you have me be disinterested in?

She's everything I love about America. Bold, opinionated, just past her peak, and starting to realize that she has to settle for less.

I like to drink. Yeah. I have a serious problem. That had better be true.

I hated Reese's pieces before E.T. ate them, sorry.

And now, you're going to go pull a Dane Cook in one of those three movies he was in about Dane Cook getting laid by accident. Only it's not a Dane Cook movie, Jeff, because this time, someone's watching: me. Your friend, British Jason Biggs.

Do you know Rimples and Splikket? They were the British Laurel and Hardy. Most of their stuff is timeless, but you do need to know that the prime minister went to Oxford, not Cambridge, as the sketch implies.

I've been defining myself with reactions to and from other people my whole life. Now I feel worthless just because I'm worthless in relation to my friends, which means they're not my friends.

And please don't take offense at this, but thank you for not hitting on me. I was just vulnerable enough to do something really stupid. What's wrong? Nothing. Nothing. It's nothing. It's the... the stupid steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car.

It's the... the stupid steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car.

Or maybe I just realized that I was spending the whole night getting to third base with the wrong person. You're a good friend, and I don't say that often enough. That's really nice. But you can't have sex with me.

But you can't have sex with me. / How about we have these drinks and then not have sex, with anyone, together?

Scunthorpe? I was stationed around Scunthorpe. - No. - Oh, wait, wait.

O'er the lady's smocks I tarry Through the hollyhocks and glen For a piss and a thrush In Scunthorpe - Then it's off to Henningpen

I lost my virginity at Stainsbury's. - My mother was a Stainsbury whore.

Mine was missing a thumb. - Oh, my God. - Two thumbs, she got both. - Two thumbs.

I mean, you may have slept with my aunt... but given the circumstances, cheers.

It's pronounced 'aluminium.' See, he's fine.

Doesn't electrocuted technically mean killed? - You always have to correct people? - You always have to police correcting?