Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas

Dean Pelton:Well, as you know, we can't say 'Christmas' anymore. So we've established designated holiday zones throughout the campus where students of various faiths can celebrate their respective... observances.

Dean Pelton:There's a Christmas zone, a Hanukkah zone, a Kwanzaa zone, and a general 'winter solstice' zone for the pagans and atheists.

Dean Pelton:Students must show their holiday ID to enter the appropriate zone. Failure to do so will result in a mandatory sensitivity seminar.

Shirley:I'm not saying Christmas is better than other holidays, I'm just saying the people who celebrate them are jealous.

Troy:You know what? I'm gonna spend Christmas playing violent video games. It's a wholesome tradition.

Jeff:What, you think Muslims are gonna complain about Christmas TV programming?

Abed:Christmas is important because it's the one time of year when everything stops and we all just... exist together. It's the only holiday that forces us to acknowledge our shared humanity.

Abed:Also, we're animated.

Abed:I'm animated.

Jeff:Okay, you know what? I'm not even going to engage with that.

Abed:We're obviously animated.

Jeff:I'm gonna need you to define 'obviously' for me.

Jeff:What does 'clearly' mean to you?

Abed:It means obviously.

Pierce:Well, it's not obvious to me. I thought you were speaking Arabic.

Pierce:Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!

Troy:Pierce, no. That joke doesn't deserve a high five. No high five.

Pierce:Come on, Troy, just one high five.

Troy:The high five is a sacred gesture of celebration and camaraderie. Your joke was neither celebratory nor comradely.

Abed:Thanks for asking. I think what would help is if you all just... existed in the frame. Don't leave negative space. Fill the composition.

Abed:And try to maintain consistent eye-lines across cuts. It's what makes a scene feel connected, you know?

Abed:Also, somebody should probably be standing on a slightly higher plane than everyone else. That's just blocking 101.

Abed:I'm fine. I'm not crazy. I just think in TV tropes and pop culture references. It's actually a very efficient way to process information.

Abed:Also, my pupils dilate slightly when I'm interested in something, which is just basic cinematography—it's how you show engagement in a medium shot.

Duncan:Wait, if Abed thinks he's actually in a TV show, I could use this for my psychology study. This is like a real-world case of constructed reality with built-in narrative structure. I'm getting at least three publishable papers out of this.

Duncan:I'm a professional. I maintain strict boundaries between my personal relationships and my work.

Duncan:I would never let financial opportunity cloud my judgment about—

Duncan:I mean, about Abed as a person, not as a potential three-book deal with film rights.

Abed:You're expelling me for needing help? That's not a school problem, that's a Christmas problem.

Abed:What does Christmas really mean?

Chang:It means you're crazy.

Abed:I made Chang.

Chang:You made me? You made me?!

Abed:You're a snowman.

Chang:Yeah, and you're touching me. Keep going.

Abed:I'm just rolling you into a ball.

Chang:That's what I'm talking about. Roll me, baby. Roll me all night long.

Duncan:Abed, I'm going to help you work through your issues using your own framework.

Abed:Really? You're going to use my pop culture references?

Duncan:Exactly. Now, imagine your problems are like a TV show that needs to be canceled.

Abed:Wait, that's... actually kind of working.

Duncan:Of course it is. Now here's the thing—you're going to do everything I say, because in this narrative, I'm the showrunner.

Jeff:So your approach to treating a man's psychological problems is to let him think he's a wizard?

Jeff:Oh great, more therapy. Because that's what I needed today.

Shirley:Jeff, Abed's having an episode. We need to focus on him right now.

Jeff:Of course we do.

Pierce:Look, I'm gonna be honest with you guys. I don't care about Abed's psychological crisis. I just want him to fix the blanket fort because my back hurts and I need somewhere comfortable to sit.

Duncan:Just let your muscles relax. Feel the tension leaving your body.

Jeff:Is anyone else worried Pierce might relax permanently?

Abed:On planet Abed, it's always Christmas. The atmosphere is 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, and 1% cinnamon.

Troy:Wait, wait, wait. If I'm a toy soldier, do I have a gun?

Troy:Because I am NOT okay with that.

Troy:Do you have a gun?

Duncan:A gun? No. But I do have this.

Duncan:It's a drum.

Troy:A drum? That's even better than a gun!

Britta:Beep boop. I am robot. My name is Britta-bot. I will now... malfunction.

Britta:Beep boop beep boop!

Pierce:Wait, I want to do robot sounds too!

Britta:But you're not a robot, Pierce.

Pierce:I can be a robot if I want to be!

Shirley:Baby doll? BABY DOLL?! I am a grown woman with two children and a business degree! This is completely inappropriate and offensive!

Annie:Why am I a ballerina?

Jeff:Because you're a control freak who needs to feel graceful while being obsessive.

Abed:According to the Geneva Convention, you have to eject him through the cafeteria's dumbwaiter system while playing the theme from Diff'rent Strokes backwards at half-speed.

Jeff:This looks like Tim Burton threw up a winter wonderland.

Britta:You know what? Just apologize to them.

Jeff:Apologize? For what? Being better than them?

Britta:See, that's the problem. You need to show some humility.

Jeff:Humility? Coming from the girl who tried to become a therapist after watching one episode of Dr. Phil?

Britta:At least I'm trying to help instead of making everything worse with your stupid sarcasm.

Annie:♪ Jeff Winger, so vain, thinks the world revolves around him / Jeff Winger, so vain, I bet you think this song is about you ♪

Annie:Your presence is a present, and the present is a curse / You showed up and everything got worse ♪

Annie:Christmas needs more 'presence'... get it? Presence! Like presents, but also like... being present.

Annie:I'm very clever.

Britta:Actually, Christmas is a pagan holiday that was co-opted by the Christian church to increase conversion rates among indigenous populations.

Britta:You know, Christmas trees are actually a pagan tradition that was co-opted by the Christian church to absorb the winter solstice celebration, which is totally problematic when you think about the cultural imperialism and—

Jeff:Britta, no.

Britta:What? I'm just saying, the commercialization of Christmas is a symptom of late-stage capitalism designed to exploit our consumerist impulses!

Britta:So anyway, Merry Christmas! *forced smile and finger guns*

Abed:So your father never actually took you fishing?

Duncan:No. No, he didn't. He was never there. He was never... there.

Duncan:I've spent thirty years telling myself this story about a man who loved me, who wanted to spend time with me, and it was all just... a lie I invented.

Duncan:He left when I was four. I don't even remember his face. And somewhere along the way, I decided that was too painful, so I just... made up a better version.

Abed:Duncan...

Duncan:Don't. Just... don't.

Jeff:So your therapist father taught you everything about psychology, and now you're having a complete mental breakdown. I'm sensing a pretty major gap in his curriculum.

Abed:We don't need the therapy cave anymore. We're going to use voice commands instead.

Abed:Computer, initiate study group protocol.

Abed:Load emotional support subroutine.

Abed:Override: friendship settings to maximum.

Pierce:You know, this has been a really nice Christmas. I feel like we've all come together as a family and—wait, did anyone else notice that the eggnog is getting low? Because if we don't start rationing it now, we're gonna run out before New Year's, and I'm not buying another bottle.

Troy:Yeah, well, my mom's Jewish and my dad's Christian, so growing up, every holiday was like a religious custody battle. Christmas morning, my dad's like 'We're doing this!' and my mom's in the background like 'Troy, remember your heritage!' I spent most of my childhood in the car driving between celebrations.

Abed:That sounds exhausting.

Troy:It was! By the time I got to either house, all the good presents were already opened and everyone was mad at me for ruining their holiday.

Abed:Every Christmas, my family does the same thing. We wake up, we eat breakfast, we open presents, we eat lunch, we watch TV, we eat dinner, we go to bed. Same thing every year. Christmas after Christmas after Christmas.

Abed:My mom comes every December 9th. It's a tradition.

Annie:Abed, it IS December 9th.

Duncan:I can teleport to help you.

Pierce:You know what? I'm back in. My home life is depressing at Christmas anyway.

Pierce:Christmas is... that thing!

Abed:Wow, Pierce. That's actually... you know what? That's beautiful. Really beautiful. A man just pointing at the essence of Christmas itself. Just pure, unfiltered pointing.

Abed:You know, it's actually perfect. Lost spent eight years promising answers, and in the end, nobody understood what happened. That's the real meaning of Christmas — the disappointment of unmet expectations.

Troy:Is the Lost DVD the meaning of Christmas?

Abed:Well, think about it. Lost promised answers but gave us more questions. It had an ending that disappointed millions. It's a eight-year commitment that left people feeling empty inside.

Abed:So yeah, Troy. The Lost DVD is basically the meaning of Christmas.

Jeff:You should write an article about how therapy made Abed worse.

Duncan:That's a terrible idea.

Jeff:Why? It's honest, it's original...

Duncan:Because I'm a therapist, Jeff. I can't write an article saying therapy doesn't work.

Jeff:So write it under a fake name.

Pierce:How about 'Borderline Personality Disorder: A Clinical Look at Why You're Such a Dick'?

Jeff:Christmas... it's not about the presents or the trees or the tinsel. It's about something deeper. It's about light triumphing over darkness. It's about hope in the coldest, darkest time of year. It's about humanity reaching up and saying 'we will not be consumed by the void.' It's about defiance. It's about love. It's about... magic.

Duncan:Christmas support is a delusion.

Jeff:No, Christmas is the delusion. Christmas support is just people trying to cope with it.

Jeff:Christmas delusion is when you convince yourself that everything's magical and perfect, even though deep down you know it's just a commercial holiday designed to make you feel inadequate about your life choices.

Jeff:But you do it anyway because for one month, you get to pretend that eggnog is a food group and that buying expensive things for people you tolerate is actually an expression of love.

Duncan:Stop hitting my face! You're messing up my hair!

Abed:You know, I think I finally understand what Christmas is really about.

Abed:It's not about the decorations, or the presents, or even spending time with family.

Abed:It's about learning valuable lessons from unexpected places.

Abed:So I want to say thank you. Thank you, Lost DVD, for teaching me the true meaning of Christmas.

Troy:So... anyone want to hear my Christmas carol? I've been working on it all morning. It's called 'Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way' and it's basically just me yelling that over and over while doing a little dance.

Troy:You guys don't understand. When food is stop-motion, it has a certain dignity. A certain gravitas. You bite into a stop-motion burger and you know that burger died for your sins.

Troy:I like being stop-motion because I appreciate the aesthetic appeal of animated food.

Troy:Hey Abed, we're in animation!

Abed:I know.

Troy:This changes everything!

Abed:Not really.

Troy:Wait, if this is your delusion, how am I seeing it?

Abed:I guess we're both crazy.