Britta Perry

Britta: 'the guy who's playing bejeweled on his iphone all class has a study group?'

'Um, can i sign up twice?'

Britta: 'that's not small talk?' / Jeff: 'what's your deal and is god dead?'

You'd be surprised what gets back to these guys

Britta's backstory including dropping out to impress Radiohead

Britta: 'they're filtered, so that makes them safe'

Maybe you skipped a column. What's happening in Guatemala? - Nothing. - Are they killing journalists?

Tú eres como Jodie Foster o Susan Sarandon. / Mejor que sea real a que sea lindo.

I don't do anything. What can I do? You can hang the Chacata-Panecos piñata. You're aware they beat him to death, right? That's where we got the idea. It's touching.

That's the most racist thing i've ever heard. / pierce will beat that in one minute. [watch beeps]

it is not fair how hard it is for you to cheat here.

where do i find mr. britta? / i'm mr. britta. That's right. i'm a woman with rights. And you can see my whole face.

dreams are for sleeping. / you don't know that. / it's clinically proven. / so's polio.

every time i try to ask him about it, He just keeps filming me and telling me That i'm playing the role of his mother.

All i want to do is take care of you. Why won't you answer me? / 'cause this is the scene where you leave.

someone order seven lattes? / i got that. / no, you don't got it. I got it, abed. i got everything.

[whispering] i made this all happen. / with falafel as a fallback.

I'm really glad that you're not hitting on me anymore.

Well, you guys should hang out sometime.

How about the friend level where you sometimes have to cat-sit?

i may be naive, but i'm not stupid. well, i may be stupid, but i'm not trying to look like i'm not. well, i may be a genius, but i'm not a lesbian.

oh, no, i don't have to go

maybe he didn't see you / he saw me! / maybe he had his blinker on too / maybe

[robotic voice] i am a female pleasure unit. i require a new coat of paint

but of course you're saying, 'britta, aren't you a hypocrite? you're plastered with glitter and goo from head to toe, just like the rest of us.'

i was just trying to throw you a bone because i like you / oh. you can keep that bone

i've peed alone my whole life

there are guys out there that would kill to be with you. and if troy isn't one of them, that's him failing your standards

'scuse me! / i did it, i did it! / oh, yes, you did!

Did you ever see that katherine heigl movie poster where gerard butler had that heart over his weiner? That resonated with me.

you don't have to keep doing that!

britta perry, g.e.d.

when you say 'classmate,' It sounds like we take naps together and eat paste

the long-neck, weave-having bank teller Didn't feel universal.

Nice and pretentious.

want to see my place? - i can see it from here. two girls are making out on the hood.

is that a bidet? - that part's for resale value. and saturday afternoons.

i got a hot plate that plugs into a cigarette lighter. - yeah, but your kitchen's being towed.

wow. you guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?

he's got a real phil spector vibe going.

think how much happier the jeffersons were than that family on good times.

that sport where the british people ride the horses with the really long hammers?

maybe if you put stain remover on a turd, you don't get a diamond; you just get a turd with less direction in life.

you're into me. - i beg your unbelievable pardon.

A doddering old fool walks into a bar, tells a stupid joke, and I crush his windpipe with my three-ring binder

I will slap that smug look right off your pointy face

Can you help me block out people's voices I find extremely annoying?

Oh, did I hurt your feelings, pointy face?

He fell down and screamed in pain while I laid there with my eyes closed to make him feel like a good hypnotherapist

My feet are long and stupid. You can't unring that bell

Go to hell, you disgusting pig

I can't smoke a cigarette without thinking of a three-way in your hot tub. You did it

well, guess what, handsome hobo. Your gravy train's leavin' the station.

you devious clump Of overpriced fabric and hair product.

jeff, i'm sorry i called you a handsome hobo.

yes. / no.

Ugh! So boring.

Why does she have to be black?

December 10th?

I'm pretty sure that's a bong.

Amsterdam, I think. I'll know more when I find my camera.

Gimme back my bra, annie. - I'm not even wearing a bra. - Oh!

I have something unimportant that can't ever move.

Troy, since when have you taken modern dance? Since last semester. Coach told me it would help with my coordination, And I fell in love with it, in a very straight way.

I have fun tap-dancing.

Have been taking a tap class. That's...Funny.

What are you doing here? Being a friend and a man.

Why is Annie talking to micro-nipples?

That sounds awful. I'll bring the popcorn.

Yeah, you know, everyone talks about his nipples, but his feet freak me out.

Oh, yes. I still don't know if that's his first or last name.

He has a sincerity I found attractive in a simpler time.

Well, Annie, I would have to be a villain

Damn right. Give me some fivesies. Whoo. Turning it into a snake.

Okay, if you're gonna get all upper East side about this, I think we're done.

She's helplessly in love with you. She's only with Vaughn to get your attention.

Yeah, but they're honest.

Britta, drunkenly: - Jeff winger. I am calling you. [chuckling] You're probably--whatever. [in a raspy voice] so wassup?

No, but you can help yourself to a shorter forehead, A non-keebler nose, and shutting up.

That was the first 20 seconds of a 40-minute message

13. - Ah, great, so much for 'baggels.'

The baggels. You dropped them on the floor. Uh, they're called bagels. I lived in new york, troy. I know what a baggel is.

What the hell is wrong with you? What? You say bagel wrong. I say it the same as you. Say it again. Baggel.

How do you pronounce bagel? I don't. Come on. Baggel. Ugh! You're the worst.

Yeah, and then you can take her to a nice deli... And treat her to a baggel.

You should be like jo from facts of life. But, you know, the dude version. I knew it.

I don't care how I say the word 'baggel.' 'baggel.' She said 'baggel.' Would you like another one? 'baggel.'

You cherish her. I'm sure I will. You know she's not gonna be around forever. I wanna believe you're right, Britta. But you never quite are, are you?

I said you were a monster, ma'am. And you said Troy was right. Get me a switch.

Someone call a shrink. What? Well, you're usually the cool one.

Well, anyone could be a lawyer. You can even represent yourself. You can't do surgery on yourself. It's illegal. You'd get arrested. And then you'd get a free lawyer.

I think some of this research may have been done on wikipedia.

Oh, jeff... You're goldbluming. I'm goldbluming? Heh, I, uh... I-I-I don't know what that means.

Guys, you realize you're exploiting the naivete Of a man who is being brainwashed by a cult?

The frog is chang. Oh, okay. I did get it. It's funny.

My prank is gonna cause a sea of laughter, And I am gonna watch you drown in it.

I'm señor chang. Now tell me that's not funny.

Knock knock! Who's there? Cancer! Oh, good! Come on in! I thought it was britta!

And if you guys knew how they treated The animals that you are eating, You would eat them even faster Just to put them out of their misery And then you would throw up.

He has diabetes. He can't even make it to the litter box-- Chicken run! Whoo! I'm afraid that I'm gonna have to put her to sleep.

Before I talk, I ask myself, "what am I about to say And how might it affect each person listening?" I'm really glad you said that, britta. The idea that you compulsively filter yourself Makes your lack of flavor kind of a flavor.

You were right. Now what you can do is go home And write that on your bathroom mirror. Wouldn't that make it seem like I was right? Yeah, because it would be my mirror. It's not gonna be reversed because you're the one who--

Get ready to meet Jeff Winger, esquire, Attorney at 'ah, snap.' It'll be better than that.

Thanks. Must have been hard for you to say that. It's called sarcasm, Troy. Ask the goat to explain it to you.

Well, I sure as hell am not gonna be the new Pierce. And if all we need is an escape-goat, I think we should just let this one go.

How do you pronounce bagel again? Bah-gel. She calls bagels bah-gels.

When you found out I was Jewish, You invited me to a pool party That turned out to be a baptism. Well, excuse me for trying to sneak you into heaven.

'What are you looking at?' duh! 'What are you looking at? Duh!' duh! School his ass, mark. 'School his ass, mark.' duh! Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh! D-d-duh! Duh!

Well, if you're gonna be the fun police-- Okay, well, if I'm the fun police, Then you're director of Funland security.

Yeah, well, you also put hydrogen in blimps, And that was bad.

With a prize for last man standing. Or last man in a wheelchair with no paint on him. Or last woman.

I am so sick of you guilting people With your phony humanitarian schtick.

No, seriously, I'm going home. Can you help me up? Oh. Yeah, sure. Oh!

Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize But not for you and your boys. That's less nice.

Yes. Too...Much... Sexual..Tension! Dam...Bursting! Blah blah! Aaah!

Please tell me you didn't have sex with me to win at paintball. No, I had sex with you, And now I'm gonna win at paintball.

You seem pretty practiced at putting on panties one-handed While holding a gun.

Said the woman wearing the hello Kitty underwear. Said the woman holding the gun.

It didn't happen. It's not that it was a mistake. It's just that it didn't happen.

To buy a flying car?

Um, he's not faking his death again, is he? Because I can't handle that roller coaster. First he's alive. And then we're happy. And then he's alive again and...

That's what my rehab group used to say. The only one that keeps in touch is the guy that sells jewelry made out of bottle caps.

Thank you for telling me that in the last session, dumbass.

So you think I'd feel better about myself if I got all sexed up, went over there, and really tried to be crowned queen of the dingbats?

Guess you really get what you pay for with free therapy.

It's not a Jane Austen novel. We have cell phones.

You were gonna move my hair? I don't know.

You were the pit stop. He used you to numb the pain of not getting with me.

He needs a girl who doesn't wear underwear because she hasn't done laundry in three weeks.

They should retire the table we did it on.

Jeff Einger, do not get back with Slater. I love you.

Hey, did you guys see Toy Story 3? - Yes! - Oh, I love Toy Story 3! - Hey! - Aah! - Hey! - Hey, Toy Story... Britta!

I hope I'm not around when you do mean to be a tool.

You are the...Coolest! Right. Um... At what, exactly? Being fearless! Honest. Speaking from your heart.

'Jeff Winger, I love you.' Right. Um... My heart may have overstated...

I don't mean to sound like a tool, but maybe it's karma.

Okay. You've gone from precious to annoying.

In other words, we're not cool. - I never said that. You may have heard it. I may have thought it, and it may be true. But I never said it.

I'm so glad this tragedy overshadowed haiti. I didn't have any ideas for that.

Everyone likes pelicans. They bring babies. / - that's storks. / Oh, right. Well...we still like them!

You know guys are giving you money because of the whole sexy schoolgirl routine. / - I have a routine?

Yeah, I'm raising less money because I'm not jump-starting date rapists.

Bitter much? / Say 'Bitter much' Much? / Say say 'Bitter much much' Much?

Oh, I obviously don't need guys for anything. That's why I wear stripper boots during the day and eat only celery and mustard for lunch!

I can't believe I made out with both of you. Ugh.

I can't believe I made out with both of you. Ugh.

I'm... I'm Britta, Pierce's... Pbbt!

Two percent milk, eggs, deodorant, puppy chow... Okay, it's officially a waking nightmare.

See? All that angry talk about butts. 'Kick your butt. Stomp your butt. Punch your butt.' Do they say, 'punch your butt'?

Am I right? Bring it in for a boob bump, ladies. Uh... Nope? We'll get there.

So was the 'y' chromosome, but you don't see us throwing stuff at it.

Away from your symbolically invasive balls to a women's studies class.

She lost her glasses. I've never seen you wear glasses. Yeah, I usually wear contacts, but I couldn't find them... Without my glasses. Which I wear.

Of course! Why name your daughter Meghan? Are you stocking up for a bitch shortage?

So Meghan's the one with the crooked ears and no ankles? Ha! Damn. Sorry, I over-described again?

I still think that man is going to evolve into woman, not dragon monster with three legs.

Or should I say a catch to date. Oof, hope you just come up with that.

Oh, it all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag and then it's a brisk peeka-roony at our phone records, and before you can say '1984,' the thought police are forcy-worcing you to bend and spread.

Welcome to the gross business of martial law. Welcome to what used to be individuality, seized and disintegrated by cowardly groupthink. Welcome, my friends! Welcome to the machine!

The Patriot Act cuts both ways. Actually, it's pretty one-sided. That's kind of the point.

Oh my God. Are you charting our menstrual cycles?

I'm sorry, Shirley, but who wants to hang out in a blanket Fort with grown men in tiny underoos?

Not hipster. Hipsters haven't discovered it yet, it's underground.

They serve virgin mudslides. Those are milk shakes.

Real, it just won't be yours.

That's Cajun.

The too-cool-to-care-tini?

We found it in the ladies' room.

You look like a zombie.

They were making out. Abed. Why would you do it in front of me? I'm not a coat rack.

Bleep, bloop.

If only he could find the power to not be a smug douche.

You guys know Jesus was born in the middle of April, right? The church moved his birthday to December so they could steal the solstice from the pagans.

You guys know Jesus was born in the middle of April, right? The church moved his birthday to December so they could steal the solstice from the pagans.

Season's greetings from Britta Perry.

Right? Britta, you're always talking about how it's weird we have no one of Latin descent in our group. / Si.

No, I'd say you got about two more good years.

You don't count, Britta. You don't respond to anything appropriately. Thank you!

Chang. I know who you're talking about... He doesn't exist!

I actually thought he didn't even like me, but then he texted me out of nowhere

I'm...Ew! Hector the well-endowed? Abed

I want to know why these goblins are attacking us. Maybe these woods are their rightful land, and from their perspective...

My name... was Kyle. Kyle. Britta? He was an imaginary waiter. I wouldn't expect you to understand

Before you go barking up that tree, I have to tell you that she might not be interested. Why wouldn't she be... Oh! Is she... A friend of Ellen?

Yes, Annie. But you can say the word. Page is a...Lesbian.

Pierce, as someone who's been calling me a lesbian for the last year and a half, I'm sure that you don't have anything to say about me being friends with one. Nothing off the cuff. What I do have is a prepared statement.

Many, many paragraphs of that were oddly supportive. Wait till you hear the one I have for you.

He's recovering dude can moonwalk! Besides, he's a baby boom. They invented drugs. Yeah, they also invented TV. Have you seen him control one of those?

So like...Would you change clothes in front of her? If you have to ask if it's homophobic to ask questions, haven't you already answered your own question? Have I? Don't know. Not a homophobe.

Hope I stay straight, right? Oh, sorry. My friend's a tad homophobic, so I was doing a bit.

Let's do it. Okay.

Ha ha! Look at the lesbians. Lesbians! Screw you! Screw you!

I never said I was a lesbian. Why didn't you just ask me? Oh, what am I, a homophobe? I don't care about people's preferences. You so care.

You're the worst! What? And for the record, I never thought you were cool. I only thought you were a lesbian.

Okay, bluff called.

I wouldn't know. I haven't thought about myself in years.

Some take a lot off the top and you think you're giving money to people that really need it, and you're really giving it to some middle man who's gonna pay off their parking tickets, credit cards, and keep from getting kicked out of her place in... April.

Hi. Hey. Hi, I'm Jeff's dad. Hi. Hi, Jeff's dad. I'm Britta's dad. What? Why? I don't know. Got drunk, didn't have a condom, and her mom gets freaky when she hears oingo boingo.

Well, what do you say we take a tumble? I'll put on a wig. That's it. You're under arrest. I'm an undercover cop. It's not illegal to be gay. It is here in Iran. Not when we're in the green zone. That's Iraq, stupid. Well, what do I know? I'm Jeff Winger's dumb, gay dad.

I would have taken that money right out of the mouths of crippled, starving, malaria-ridden refugee kids and now I know that forever.

It's not that I'm selfish. It's just that I'm really stupid with my money, which is why I'll never have a lot of it and because I'm a really generous friend. Problem solved. Dilemma deleted. Britta for the win!

Could you imagine bouncing a check to Kunta Kinte?

Like, uh, Britney Spears. / Exactly like Britney Spears.

Stop rep...rimanding me, and explain why I'll ruin him.

Name one guy I did that with. / That one dude, tall Kyle. / Jeff.

Oh, you mean Jeff 'nipple play' winger?

You should have given me one of those a long time ago. I kicked your asses.

I'm just here for my 'trekkies do it in the final frontier' hat. That's my hat. Really? Mm-hmm. Are you sure? Yep.

You're inhuman. You're an inhuman person. You're a monster. Lukka's a monster for realsies.

He's so much worse than tall Kyle!

He's so much worse than tall Kyle!

Was that the movie where the guy flirts with the girl online, but then it turns out that it's a fat, old woman? Oh. Sorry. It's cool. Maybe it's about catfish.

Was that the movie where the guy flirts with the girl online, but then it turns out that it's a fat, old woman? / Oh. Sorry.

Can you imagine the expression on Abed's face when he walks in? / Of course we can imagine it. It's always the same.

Like every time I go to say something, somebody just... My uncle put his finger in my no-no!

Hey, don't take on his pain. Tend your own garden.

Someone who, other than his irrational fear of automatic toilets, is normal.

Hey, Ixnay in front of Uncan-day.

We are friends with a grown man that clearly believes in leprechauns.

The Cape is premiering. Humanity is premiering, you jags.

Abed, stop being meta. Why do you always have to take whatever happens to us and shove it up its own ass?

It's you.

You have a booger. / I know. It's part of me.

Yeah, let me guess who paid for that study. Big antacid.

First of all, together, my cats can do anything.

I can do it! I can do it! I'm good at looking!

No problowe, Rob Lowe.

Britta's horrified reaction after looking

Are you saying I'll be a good mom? / What? No. Man, you will really force anything, won't you?

Guys, I got it. I'm in the zone.

And it's also a black person! Not that that's important.

We are. I just yanked a little dude out of my friend.

Leonard, we're losing. Britta, I've been in a few real wars, but this one is actually the most terrifying.

Jeff: 'Excluding Pierce is what drove him crazy last year.' Britta: 'Wrong, being crazy drove him excluded.'

Britta's fake British show 'Cougarton Abbey'

Cougarton abbey. Just been 'round Cougarton chapel. I may be having an awakening. Come off it, Deidre. You've only been having a butchers at the choir boys.

Why did everyone on Cougarton Abbey just die? They only ran six episodes. That's the great thing about British tv. They give you closure.

Britta: 'Why don't you go start a ruiners' club? Oh wait, you'd probably just ruin it.' Jeff: 'Well then, I'd be doing a good job because it's a ruiners' club.' Britta: 'You ruined my analogy.'

Britta: 'I'm gonna study Psychology... I'm gonna be a therapist.' Group reaction of horror

I'm gonna study Psychology. Like in a research capacity? No, in a hands-on capacity. I'm gonna be a therapist.

Highlight? Probably the backpack.

Too bad the fascist oligarchies are raping them to make hamburgers. Look it up.

Maybe my path is a war path that leads to the terrordome, n-words!

I piss warnings, pig.

This is what the United Nations is doing to your freedom. I'm your freedom! And I'm in a cage. With the world! Because of them!

He's pulling my cage. I'm being pulled in my cage for no reason! Is anybody seeing this? Is the world seeing this? Are we facebooking this?

I need to catch up on Breaking Bad, so... I'm so sorry. I have a developmental disorder.

Fine, why don't I just go work with Todd? Hey, that's cool, whatever gets this project done. Oh, wow, what a great guy. I can see why all of you like him so much more than me.

Not to be unchristian, but that boy sucked. Aww! And his dumb baby! I know! On and on. He wouldn't shut up.

Super cool. And sexy. Super sexy cool. Overselling it.

That pizza guy was super creepy. So you're saying he was a pizza guy?

I can't believe those are real mahogany bunk beds in there. I bet that cost you a few allowances.

Um, I was smoking a cigarette. I know what you were doing. I'm 21 years old. I'm a man.

You've got a... bowl full of olives next to the toilet. It's a fancy party, Britta.

Hey, guys, this is Toby, our pizza delivery guy. And I know this is gonna sound nuts, but we're in love and we're getting married.

Wait, there are other timelines?

Stop. A little Make Out 101. Less dad talk. And, uh, you could ease up on the bubblegum lip gloss.

There's nothing in your playlist but spooky party, the Beetlejuice soundtrack, and NPR podcasts. Ooh! We could listen to one of those! I have Michele Norris interviewing Errol Morris. Don't worry, they address it.

Jeff, can I have a quick conversation with you? Doubtful, but I support the dream.

Wait. Are people using my name to mean 'make a small mistake'? Yes.

Good! I'll start with a story about a horrible fate befalling innocent people, and then I'm curious to get individual reactions.

Embarrassed. That's an odd reaction. Seems fair.

Well, your texture was so discompassionately macabre, as if without the slightest regard for human life.

Maybe he's a remorseless madman with no empathy, who eludes detection by manipulating others.

It doesn't matter. I filled mine out randomly. Oh, come on. What? You idiot! That was probably the test that returned the psychotic result!

We should never make the Britta of Britta-ing each other's feelings. You're using it wrong. Wow. You Britta'd 'Britta'd.' Yeah, way to pull an Abed. I don't get it.

In my psych class I'm learning about this thing called the edible complex.

This is so edible.

Oh, my God, I forgot. You're 20.

Then...I'm lying?

Cut the wit, Winger. Where are you, The Gap or Banana Republic?

When I was in Amsterdam, I met this guy who ate too many shrooms and fell out of a window at the Anne Frank house.

If you can't stop 'em, judge 'em?

Oh, I guess I'm just a really good person.

I assume you've both accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior? Oh, that's nice.

Hey Jesus, just curious, what's your position on marijuana? It was given to us by God. It should be legal.

This one's called 'Don't You Do It.' Get out!

As a licensed psychology major, I am declaring this production a violation of human rights

It was exactly like being on ecstasy!

He is equal parts hanson and manson.

And they won't stop talking about regionals!

Yeah, if 'nothing' wears a sweater-vest and seems aggressively asexual.

Who's that guy? You guys all see him too, right?

They're just trying to pander to your demographics' well-documented historical vanity. Resist!

♪ I got a Christmas time for me I got a Christmas time for a tree ♪

And I kind of attacked you guys with a fire axe.

Weddings are like little girls' tea parties, except the women are the stuffed animals, the men are making them talk, and they're not drinking tea, they're drinking antiquated gender roles.

Somebody tell Britta what an analogy is. I know what it is. It's like a thought with another thought's hat on.

My ninth-grade english teacher used to say, 'there will always be a reason not to follow your dreams.' At the time, he meant I was under the age of consent.

Britta laughing hysterically at the idea of planning a wedding

I was serious.

There are people dying in Uganda.

I refused to give Santa a christmas list, because I didn't want to depend on any man for anything.

I'm Betty Crocker. I'm Martha Stewart. I'm one of the Steppenwolf wives.

I'm gonna stay with somebody forever. It's in my stupid DNA. I was born to be a wife and that's all I'm ever gonna be!

I promise to earn no more than 70% of what you would make at the same job.

Pick a number, dick!

Accusational opposition disorder.

Okay, look. This apple is your ego. Imagine it expanding to the point of critical mass, taking over your whole personality, making you an uncontrollable monster.

Jeff is in grave danger. Hee-hee!

You have bad posture. When you do too many push-ups, it looks like you have boobs. The tile in your bathroom is tacky. You were emotionally closed off in bed to the point where one time, I didn't come up because I couldn't find close enough parking. You have an unusually high butt crack.

You have an unusually high butt crack.

Maybe that should be me. / You are way out of my league, diagnostically speaking. I'm gonna go with someone a little less complicated. Like Abed.

I don't recall seeing Subway in my premenopausal, postfeminist experiential marketing class. Actually, I'm on the wait list for the premen/postfem/ex mark.

I don't believe this. Come on, Subway, there is no way you're 5'10".

Look at these idiots. Cattle, sheep... Other animals that travel in herds. I want to say snakes.

I totally predicted this in my High School newspaper column 'Britta unfiltered.' Unfiltered. I get it. Get what?

I am not a whore, and not that I've done the math, but if I were, I'd be the super classy kind that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel.

What do you recommend? What's it to you, meat pusher? Sounds like you might be a vegetarian. You should try Subway's Veggie Delite.

You should try reading Orwell's 1984. I have. It's a great book. It really awakened me in High School. I think kids should be forced to read it. Me too. Anyway, you're living it.

Top-notch whoresmanship, Britta. Pierce. Sorry. Whoreswomanship. Forgot it was the '90s.

'Yep, that's me, the girl who's going to destroy the big sandwich company with the dreamy eyes.'

Powerful passage, isn't it? 'She had become a physical necessity.' You circled this paragraph. I can't say that I did.

I want to run a nonprofit shelter for handicapped animals. Dogs with wheels for hind legs. Deaf hamsters. One-eyed cats? Well, they weren't on the top of my list, but sure.

Did you just drink ink? Just plant this on Subway, and you'll never have to see him again. Until then, keep him interested. And for God's sakes, slap some life on those dead lips.

Only the primal remains. To me, you are simply a physical necessity.

Britta, you silly. It is me, Subway. What? I had a great time with you last night in the pillow fort, the one exception being the deviant sex act you initiated without my consent.

A high school dropout and amateur photographer whose borrowed camera would capture some of the war's blurriest, most poorly framed moments.

His name is Blade and... What? Oh, no, Britta!

I will end up doing him like a crossword, and I will regret it.

You were a pillhead, so think of Blade as Adderall. And handcuff me to the radiator like a mother-flipping carny-banging werewolf.

Can you check my messages for me and tell me if he called? What if my mother died?

You're Hitlers! You're racist pedophiles! You're the opposites of Batman!

You're a sister to me. Britta! Whoo! Hey, little sis, do you think you could trust me to have my phone back now?

Step right up! Ding, ding, ding! Get your popcorn here. Hello? Busy, babe. Blade, just wait. Wait, Bla... I told you not to call me at work!

You weren't texting Blade, you were texting us. I switched Blade's number in your phone to mine. You tricked me? You tricked me!

Eight plus two times five... Ten after 8:00. I'm gifted in other ways

As a psychologist... Student. I hereby offer my licensed... Unlicensed. Services as a grief counselor. Grief causer.

the doctor... Not even close. Is in.

You seemed smarter than me when I met you.

What's heaven like? Uh, I don't know. Glittery.

Where's my comb? I don't know. Yep, it's him.

Is it true you made out with Britta? I don't see how that's relevant.

maybe it was because she was really drunk and she had just found out that her first boyfriend was getting married.

Ow! Okay, grief counseling is growing on me.

And now... he's catching fire too.

What are you, my final?

Yeah, well, my life can't get double ruined.

Yeah, he's just unique, like a snowflake who gets bent out of shape when you mix up Star Wars and space treks. / Or a serial killer's signature.

Why did this thing take photos if it was going to completely fabricate random body shapes?

Stop playing like a girl? Here's the thing about women, Jeff. We don't Hack and slash our way through life because we're one with life.

Offensive. Called it. Shut up, Britta.

What's the worst that could happen? Classic tee-up.

Tell me about your parents, Britta. Um... No?

Actually, that sounds delicious. I'm the center slice of a square cheese pizza.

You're Jim Belushi. Ah. 12%

A little late to the hipster party much? A little much on the much much?

Hey, did you know you could major in Antics? I checked. You need a tomfoolery pre-req, but they waive it for women.

Oh, my God, there's so many levels to this.

You can't flip a wish. That's ridiculous. Your rules are ridiculous.

Unwish! Ununwish. Rewish.

Do you realize who you told that to?

God, I hate new Jeff.

Get ready to run. In these heels?

You should probably warn your boyfriend's boyfriend.

We do some things. We do a lot of things. Not all the things. Things.

Hello, Dr. Perry's Office. Damaged psyche? Yes, I'll accept the charges.

aha! I mean, not, aha, your dad is dead, But, aha, I knew it. Ghost dad, exploring your haunted mansion for secret codes?

Pierce keeps his dad's bowtie by his bed. Yeesh. Table for siggy Freud, party of--

Oh! Analyze this!

After a night of running in circles, trying to untie Winger knots, I'm looking for something slow.

Do we want him to freak out and then we have to rescue him from some fantasy world where submarines are small enough to enter the bloodstream?

What a bitch. Wait, was that the female inspector?

That dude is trying to steal your boyfriend.

A quantum spanner. Yeah, it lights up or plays music or something.

I hate you.

When I say 'thera,' you say 'pist.' Thera... pist. Thera...

Your dad's house, where I kind of, sort of, am.

Batman is sort of gay.

I just want to acknowledge that there are a lot of emotions flowing right now, and you two are probably feeling a strong impulse to sleep with each other, and hey, that's normal.

Why don't we use these dinner rolls to do some 'roll' play? I see what I did there.

Uh, the universe is a constantly expanding... stop.

Look, you're probably feeling a very strong urge to sleep with me right now, and that is normal.

I'm telling you, we should have sprung for the name brand glitter.

An 'entrepreneu-her,' if you will. Or maybe a businesswoman? Okay, fine. Think inside the box.

You just want to be a part of something. Admit it, Thanksgiving softened that Winger underbelly.

No! Line drawn! If I wanted to wait on a rich man hand and foot, I would've gone to Dubai with that sheik I met at Trader Joe's.

The only thing weighing on me is tons and tons of whale money.

And instead of Sadie Hawkins, my dance will honor a real feminist icon, someone who worked for women's rights every day of the year... Sophie B. Hawkins.

And it is gonna be amazing, and when people come they're gonna be like, 'damn! She straight Britta'd this!' Because, that's right, I'm taking it back!

And when she comes I'm gonna be like, 'I will remember you doubting me.' That's a Sarah McLachlan song.

I may have lied this morning about meeting Sophie B. Hawkins because I didn't want Jeff to make fun of me, and then I may have lied to cover that lie, and now I'm in deep... lies.

Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine that everyone called a liar. His name was Bernie Madoff. Pierce! He was a liar. He stole billions of dollars from his clients. Has this been confirmed?

Oh, my God. I 'Britta'd' it. Bernie?

That's called rubber flubbing, and it's a real problem. Open your eyes, people!

♪ I am an activist That's always been my choice Truth is I've never voted Except when I watch The Voice ♪

Did you hear him use 'feminine' as an insult? Typical phallo-centric worldview.

He called me Broken Barbie all year.

If there was heat, I'd be nervous, and, if I was nervous, I'd be rambling, and I'm definitely not rambling, so there's no heat.

What we need to figure out is Greendale's obsession with group assignments. [Scoffs] Classic herd mentality.

Both: Of? Your first date? - Oh! - Da-doy.

That was a test, and you failed. - I was just kidding.

Both: Oh... That, you remember?

Judge Reinhold. Both: Oh.

Oh, so he might need an almost therapist.

Sha-ha! No.

Really?

We called ourselves the An-her-chists.

What's an anarchist to do without her organization?

I couldn't handle the monkey, so I traded it in for a glaucoma brownie, even though I knew if it bit someone, it would make them a teensy bit psychotic.

I transferred to forensics late and got the worst classes. Skull fragment collection, advanced advanced decomp, and intro to senselessness were all full.

Do you remember last year, when he wouldn't stop talking about that 'darkest timeline' thing? The one where I lost my arm? And Pierce died, and Annie went insane, and he blamed it all on you throwing some dice.

Did you shoot yourself too? Every time.

I've become much more conscious of world issues since Troy and I decided to give our baby an African name. Isn't that right, Chewbacca? It means, 'He who hunts bounties.'

[Excited squealing and cheering] when the study group reunites

Well, you guys just got sprung from this joint, and I figured you had careers to get started. - Yeah, working hard. - Ah, yes. [All talking over each other] [Conversation peters out]

Or opening a zoo where the humans are in cages and the animals come to visit.

That's like me blaming owls for how much I suck at analogies.

You're a bartender, aren't you? Which is basically like a modern-day therapist. If somebody tells me about a murder, I can't tell anyone.

Well, why don't you sell him a pill that will help him give up on his dreams?

But this school clearly got a finger up its butt as a child.

Thank you?

See, he does a voice-over wrap-up at the end of every episode. - Wow. - Cool.

He seemed scared to smell that flower but happy to get shot.

I would like to address the fact that there are no Asian-Americans represented here. - We can get Chang. - No need to rush into anything.

Oh, Pierce, good for you. I always thought that hairpiece was a bit cowardly.

They're all lying. / We all know that, you judgmental bitch!

Well, no higher than usual. / Not true.

At least with a bris there's an element of suspense.

You told me a hawk stole them!

You exploited me and made me believe in a slightly more magical world.

You're tracking us? We're mad at you, Abed. Why? Because we already live in a totalitarian surveillance state. Do you not read my status updates?

We're human beings, not the editors of Teen Vogue

Then you just admitted that's where you'll be. That's the same as imagining the floor

Knock, knock, Britta. I'm not gonna say 'who's there?' because someone on the floor is knocking

Who's there, bitch? Floor!

Barbagarbagarba garbabarbabarba? That was gibberish. You're good.

Well, the ants were people. The Queen Ant was an oil company.

Oh. Wow, um, I'm not a hero. I'm a high school dropout and a bartender, so don't listen to me. Or anyone. Just listen to yourself, and make sure you tell yourself the truth.

We should make it say that! Who's got the spray paint? No, guys, I'm serious! Doug and Janet, you're on lookout. Michael works the ladder. I will banksy that mother!

Oh, so the person with the least wealth has the least valid argument? That's convenient.

I've been defining myself with reactions to and from other people my whole life. Now I feel worthless just because I'm worthless in relation to my friends, which means they're not my friends.

And please don't take offense at this, but thank you for not hitting on me. I was just vulnerable enough to do something really stupid. What's wrong? Nothing. Nothing. It's nothing. It's the... the stupid steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car.

What if I don't exist? Oh, I got this. I had a very similar night last night. Go home, light some candles, and take a bath. Okay, coolsies.

Look at the mustard on my face, but listen to my words

Long live the review-lution!

Britta, the Mother of Ones

I know that because it smells like weed. Not my weed.

Plus, they eat all the sky mosquitoes.

The hell was that? - What was what? Long, quiet lull. Don't like it. It's called contentment.

Pa-pa-papaya. Mango. Strawberry. - Too ripe.

The reason I have 48 followers is that I don't exploit them. They come to me for atheistic rants and photos of my meals... not this obnoxiousness.

Subway doesn't call its bread 'buns,' and we don't serve white. We serve Italian, honey oat... nine-grain wheat. - Thanks for making my joke accurate. Now it's hilarious.

Amen. And to think this all started because you wanted to... - Nail you. - Yeah, I regret nothing.

what did either of us really get done aside from each other?

I should go clean out my locker, she said at the age of 33.

Medium roughness, high tempo? - Let's make it a number eight.

I'm sorry, I just assume your name is Tony. Here you go. I gave you some extra heat.

My dignity.

I'm gonna name one of my sandwiches after her. My sandwiches suck.

Friends, dumb hats. Totally talking down to you. She hates you. I got it from Jared.

Are you the big chilling? Yeah, only there's not a hippie that died to make us come together and complain.

She called Annie a bitch. She implied I was a bitch. She implied Annie was a stuck up bitch who thinks she's better than everyone.

Nobody's ever doing what you usually do Abed. You're nuts. Huh. In a good way.

Don't think of it as bad baking. Think of it as a crushing blow to a gender stereotype.

You're human garbage. Don't patronize me Dick.

Oh, Britta's still the worst? Yeah. The bar gets dirty.

You blackmailing me? Just talking shop.

No, you're repeating what I said. Oh, I'm a time traveler?

I feel like everybody's talking about that haircut I gave Vicki, so-.

That's what people say when they take your soul, and they rip it out of your chest and then shove it in your mouth.

Who are these doddering open-minded geezers? Where are the people who wouldn't let me dress up like Prince for Halloween?

Or had me drug tested when I was 11 because they said I was laughing too much?

All that matters is that we're all going to die.

Now, it's just gonna be margaritas, Pottery Barn, fighting our family's tendency toward obesity as we slide into oblivion. First you guys, and then me quickly thereafter.

Could a drunk person do this? [implied visual gag]

What's that? / Exactly.

That's dramatic. / See?

We like our politicians in the closest because we're afraid, deep down, we're all a little political.

Well I'm a big fan of the performing arts, but I'll go to Chang's play anyway.

I'm speechless. / I forgot Chang was up there. / Me, too.

I know this great bar for people that don't hate themselves. / What do you say?

Thanks to you, that bird has his whole bird life ahead of him, to fly, meet lady birds, even start a bird family. You made a difference. / Aw. / Abed.

Okay, you have a rule against parties, which I'm sure is a world record for uptightness, so let's celebrate that.

Nice irony.

I moved in third. I'm a coucher.

She's a coucher! I sleep on a couch!

Don't question rules. Rules are good. I'm bad. All hail Annie.

Parties are just booze, low lights, and loud music, so people can feel more, see less, and not have to listen to each other or themselves.

Aren't you an atheist? Don't you hate this government? Are you even planning on going to see this comic? Yes, pretty much and of course not, I was planning to protest him.

We're the colony so high maintenance the British gave up.

We're the colony so high maintenance the British gave up. We're so obnoxious the French sent us a statue.

yes, if our votes had any real power they'd be illegal. Britta! Freedom of speech acknowledged. Trust us.

Cancel the show and you cancel people. Might as well bring dinosaurs back.

Sub. Don't say it. Don't ever say that name without compensation.

Can you actually crouch down a little bit cuz you're taller than my instructor and I'm only a yellow belt.

You mean shill-boards and con-mercials?

Did you trick me? Am I suffering? Do you love this man?

No thank you, that movie is three hours of puke.

One mechanical alligator?

Guess I'm a level seven susceptible too.

Yooba dooba dooba.

You make everything harder for all women when you do that. I'm improvising. Improvise pockets.

That's your daughter. Yeah and you said we were sisters, dumb ass. It's hot. It's like Chinatown in space.

Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with hair clippers. Pink Floyd. Oh. You're the worst.

I'll tell you for five bucks.

I'll pay you back. I'll get it from your parents. I'll pay you back. At which point I'll pay back your parents. Which will be never. I'll get a high five from your parents.

I'll pay you back. I'll get it from your parents. Tell them I spit on their wealth and thank you.

Shouldn't you be on some kind of reverse pissing contest to determine who's laziest? Wait, is that where you suck it back up in your? I'm sorry, I've only ever done it the other way. You mean peeing? No, I mean in the back.

Way to make this about justifying your unmarketable sensibilities.

I'm a verbal thinker, I'm not even sure I have an idea until I say it.

It probably undercuts my goals to announce it out loud but I'm a verbal thinker, I'm not even sure I have an idea until I say it.

Aren't you still smelling hair to tell Frankie from Annie?

The health department called. They don't want anything back.

For those who don't know, Garrett, he's a guy we don't really know, that we've known for like six years at school, the funny-looking guy. Britta, mean! Sorry! The eccentric-looking guy.

Your what?! Don't jump on that, my accountant, it's a figure of speech. It's a form of speech called making things up.

You literally just defined co-dependence.

What are you, Hitler, Hitler?

How about nipple dippers? I like nipple dippers. Yes. You guys. Yes. Ooh, nippledippers.com is available. Grab that mother. Done.

I mean, what show ever peaks after season six? Simpsons, Seinfeld, South Park, Friends. Those shows weren't hemorrhaging characters every year. Oh, I don't like that word, hemorrhaging.

Well, basically. I have a placeholder so set up it, makes analogies look like punchlines. My setup lacks awareness, but my punchline doesn't know. Abusively cynical one liner dismissing everything you just said. Absurd reaction.

Abed? Lizard. Fire hydrant. Obama. Shane!

But isn't the shape of your brain kinda fucked up?

Guess what? I made something. I made a belt with fabric. How cute is that? Well, I think that's very cute, so oh, and I love you guys.

Last night was so insane, it made the insane clown posse look like the well-adjusted clown posse.

Why doesn't the audience feel sorry for me? Britta, your parents have been murdered. By whom? The police won't touch it. They're calling it a double suicide.

I want my diaper back. I don't even own a TV and I wouldn't watch that.