For a Few Paintballs More (2)

Jeff Winger:Wait, so there's a professional paintball assassin at Greendale?

Britta Perry:Yeah, apparently he gets paid to eliminate people in paintball tournaments.

Abed Nadir:That means Greendale is where people who don't get paid to do things go.

Troy Barnes:So we're all just... unpaid?

Dean Craig:You think you're so clever with your administrative schemes, Spreck?

Dean Spreck:At least I'm not as mean as you, Craig.

Dean Craig:Well, I'm even meanen than that!

Jeff Winger:You're being really mean, and I don't like it.

Unknown Student:Did he say... bean?

Unknown Student:We're facing a juggle knob of a problem here.

Correcting Student:It's pronounced 'juggernaut.'

Unknown Student:That's what I said, juggle knob.

Abed:You know what? I've been thinking. We do a lot of genre stuff on this show. Sci-fi, action, drama, whatever. But honestly? Star Wars is just better than Westerns.

Jeff:Did you really just admit that something is objectively better than something else? That's growth.

Abed:I'm not saying Westerns are bad. I'm just saying if we're going to keep stealing other genres, at least steal from something that has lightsabers.

Jeff:Look, about what I said to Britta earlier...

Pierce:Yeah, we were all just going along with it.

Troy:I didn't even know what we were criticizing her for.

Abed:It was textbook group dynamics. One person initiates, everyone else follows.

Jeff:So basically, we were just peer pressuring her?

Shirley:That's exactly what we were doing. And that's not who we are.

Magnitude:Pop pop!

Magnitude:We can't form an alliance with the other parties because that would be illogical.

Unknown Student:You're such a paradox.

Another Student:What? Why would you call me that?

Unknown Student:I don't know, it just sounds bad.

Jeff:Hit them where it hurts.

Leonard:The heart?

Jeff:No, lower.

Leonard:The stomach?

Jeff:Lower.

Leonard:The groin?

Jeff:Lower.

Leonard:There's nothing lower than the groin, Jeff.

Jeff:The taint.

Abed:I'm going to start looking out for number one. Han Solo didn't need the Rebellion to tell him what to do.

Abed:It's not that I'm acting differently. It's that Jeff naturally falls into the Han Solo archetype. The charming rogue, the self-interested smuggler who gets pulled into something bigger. It's inevitable. I'm not changing the pattern, I'm just aware of it.

Jeff:So what, I'm supposed to just accept that I'm a Han Solo?

Abed:You already are. You're just now noticing. The difference between you and Han is that he knew what he was.

Abed:I need your vest for my Han Solo costume.

Star-Burns:No way, man. This vest is essential to my look.

Abed:Listen here, Laser Breath. Hand it over or I'll blast you into next week.

Star-Burns:Did you just call me Laser Breath?

Shirley:I need to get home to my baby.

Jeff:Shirley, come on. We're in the middle of paintball.

Jeff:I didn't assume leadership. I seized it. I took it with these hands, like a hawk descending upon a field mouse. A hawk that went to a good college and has excellent bone structure.

Magnitude:Pop... pop...

Dean Spreck:You can't play in this game. City College students aren't registered at Greendale.

Dean Pelton:Actually, we have a loophole. They can temporarily register for the paintball game.

Dean Spreck:That's ridiculous. You're just making up rules now.

Dean Pelton:It's in the student handbook. Section 7, subsection Q.

City College student:Your study group is the illest. You're all ballers.

Jeff:Thanks.

City College student:Yeah, and if you ever stop being ballers... I'm gonna... ball... on you.

Pierce:Wait, wait, wait! If you shoot me, Jeff gets my estate. You'd be doing him a favor!

Jeff:Alright, everybody together. Five, four, three, two, one...

Group:Go Greendale!

Jeff:Okay, let's do that again, but with more energy. Five, four, three, two, one...

Group:GO GREENDALE!

Jeff:One more time! Four, three, two, one...

Group:GO GREENDALE!

Jeff:Three, two, one, go!

Group:GREENDALE!

Jeff:Two, one, go!

Group:GO!

Jeff:One, go!

Group:...go.

Dean Spreck:Our women have higher sperm counts than other schools.

Dean Spreck:A liberal arts education? That's just a fancy way of saying 'we don't know what we're doing, so we're doing everything.'

Jeff Winger:Our new motto: 'Greendale: where the weird are dead.'

Annie:Abed, can you help me move this equipment?

Abed:I'm sorry, Princess. I'm afraid the Millennium Falcon will be ready for you.

Abed:I am Han Solo.

Annie:Abed, you can't just... we're in the library.

Abed:The Millennium Falcon doesn't recognize your territorial restrictions.

Annie:Oh my God, everyone's staring at us.

Shirley:I have to go home to my children.

Shirley:Oh no, what a terrible outcome.

Jeff:What is this, some kind of childish plan?

Troy:I was in The Little Rascals.

Star-Burns:Women just don't understand me. They see the hair, the piercings, the general aura of danger, and they run the other way.

Star-Burns:It's not that I'm sexist. It's that I'm completely alone and have no one to talk to about my feelings.

Annie:Thank you, Abed.

Annie:I mean, thank you, Batman.

Pierce:They asked me everything. Where Jeff goes, who he sees, what he does at night.

Pierce:I told them Jeff is a sophisticated international spy with connections to seventeen governments.

Pierce:I said he speaks fluent Mandarin and has a black belt in five different martial arts.

Pierce:I may have also mentioned he once arm-wrestled a bear and won.

Jeff Winger:Two years? That's like... that's actually a really long time to put up with Pierce.

Britta Perry:Right? I mean, we all love him, but two years is basically a lifetime in annoying-person years.

Annie:You know, Abed, even when you're being difficult, there's something oddly charming about it.

Abed:I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Annie:Oh, come on! That's not even fair!

Abed:Never tell me the odds of us getting along.

Annie:You're impossible! You know that?

Abed:I know.

Troy:That's right. I call it the Troy Barnes Awesome Plan. Or as I like to say... T.B.A.P.

Jeff:Alright, my part of the plan is called 'Operation Laser Lotus.'

Jeff:What? I wanted something with gravitas.

Jeff:We stand at the precipice of greatness. Today, we fight not just for ourselves, but for something greater. For honor. For glory. For—

Leonard:For Denny's?

Jeff:What? No, Leonard, focus—

Leonard:You said 'for something greater.' I thought you meant the Denny's on 5th Street. Their mozzarella sticks are superior.

Jeff:That's not what I meant. I'm trying to inspire—

Leonard:The one on Elm has better pie, though. True, the service is slower, but the value is unmatched.

Jeff:Leonard, can you please just—

Leonard:We should go to the Denny's on Elm. It's our destiny.

Denny's Manager:Sir, you've been banned from every Denny's in a three-state radius.

Leonard:That was a misunderstanding about the early bird special.

Jeff:Come on people, we can do this! For Greendale, for our friends, for everything we believe in!

Jeff:Now let's go out there and... TAINT!

Vicki:Guys, I have to go. My stories are on.

Garrett:I think... I might be... stuck.

Troy:Alright everyone, listen up. I'm taking over this operation. And I'm calling it... Operation: Troy's Magnificent Destiny.

Jeff:You know what your problem is, Quendra? You don't believe in yourself. But I believe in you.

Quendra:Really?

Jeff:Yes. And that's why I know you can do this. You have the strength inside you, Quendra. Q-U-E-N-D-R-A.

Student:Wait, what about the Denny's thing we talked about?

Jeff:Yeah, that's not happening. You're eliminated. Also, we're not going to Denny's anymore. We're going to IHOP. Because you might show up at Denny's.

Leonard:I've seen actual combat. I was in the military.

Britta:Well, you haven't seen anything until you've been in one of our paintball wars.

Leonard:How bad could it be?

Britta:Trust me, the paint stains are nothing compared to the emotional scars.

Abed:I know.

Annie:So if you die in the game, you just... stop playing that character?

Abed:Yeah, that's how Dungeons and Dragons works.

Jeff Winger:Is he okay?

Dean Pelton:He's having a heart attack.

Jeff Winger:Oh my God, should we call an ambulance?

Dean Pelton:No, he's fine. He does this all the time.

Shirley:Get out of my way, you ignorant jackasses! I'm about to drop some knowledge on y'all that'll make your heads spin like a ceiling fan in July!

Pierce:It's me. I'm the final player.

Jeff:Pierce? How are you even here?

Pierce:I've been hiding in the vents the whole time. My body may be old, but my sneaking skills are impeccable.

Annie:That's disgusting.

Pierce:And now I win! Bitches!

Pierce:I've decided to donate the entire prize money to Greendale Community College.

Pierce:Just kidding, it's all mine.

Abed:Sequels are never as good as the original. We should skip Anthropology 201.

Annie:Why do you keep calling yourself Han?

Abed:Because in the original trilogy, Han represents the everyman skeptic caught in a larger mythological narrative. He's the character audiences project onto when confronted with the fantastic. In our group dynamic, I'm the bridge between your idealism and reality. Han is contextually necessary.

Annie:You just like Han Solo.

Abed:That too.

Abed:I'm returning Star-Burns' vest. He won't need it anymore.

Abed:Apparently, washing yourself is a choice, and he chose not to.

Pierce:You know what? I've been sitting here for twenty minutes and nobody's acknowledged a single thing I've said. I could die right now and you'd all just keep talking about your little problems. That's what happens when you get old in this group—you become invisible.

Pierce:I came back for my day planner.

Jeff:That's a pizza box.

Pierce:Let's see... 7 PM, dinner with the study group. 8 PM, interpretive dance in my living room while wearing a ceremonial headdress I bought from a guy in a van.

Pierce:I've noticed a pattern in my friendships. They all seem to end badly. I get close to someone, and then... well, I sabotage it. I say something offensive, or I get jealous, or I just push them away before they can leave me first.

Pierce:The thing is, I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm aware of it happening in real time. But I can't stop myself. It's like watching a train wreck, except I'm both the conductor and the passenger.

Annie:He'll be back in five minutes. I'm calling it.

Jeff:You really think Pierce is coming back?

Annie:I'm telling you, he can't stay away. Four minutes.

Abed:Three minutes.

Troy:Two minutes.

Britta:One minute.

Annie:Zero.

Everyone:...

Jeff:What if we used a paint hose to—

Abed:We did that.

Jeff:When?

Abed:Last week. You were there.

Jeff:I leave right after we execute the plan. I never stick around to see how it plays out.

Abed:And that's the thing about [reference to pop culture or meta-commentary]. Cool. Cool cool cool.

Abed:But seriously, it's getting kind of slippery in here.