Pierce Hawthorne

Pierce: 'that means you do my homework, right, Seacrest?'

'slumdog millionaire over here' / 'that's borderline racist, i think'

Pierce's introductions: 'brittles' / 'Abed the arab' / 'roy the wonder boy' / 'little princess elizabeth'

Pierce's terrible name introductions (Brittles, Roy, Princess Elizabeth)

Pierce: 'Why would i harass somebody who turns me on?'

'we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for Screenwriting' / 'Big mistake'

Pierce's mispronunciation: 'Ass-burger' and 'Burger for your ass'

if you interpret 'grandchildren' as a metaphor for 'friendship', you'll agree with that Transformer over there that it's time for me to become a man. - Reading the Torah.

I'm not really a sausage-fest kind of guy. Maybe some other time. - Raincheck.

Can you believe it? / Not really. But you do, so that's fine.

Do you think I'm garbage?

Just look at her name. What is she, a water filter?

Even better, before we do that, why don't we ask ourselves... what is a story? / Oh my God in Heaven.

Why does everyone have tape on their mouth? It's a protest, Pierce. Good. Because I know what I'd like to protest... How much you offended me.

I'll show you some sperm, buddy.

Why are there costumes? These are short dialogues, you're not supposed to... - Leave you breathless? Well, it will.

You have that thing you do with your face when you're trying to be funny that makes people think about how cool you think you are.

Voice command! [beep] / would you please use the buttons? / okay, grandpa.

hey, troy sneezes like a girl. / and how about i pound you like a boy? That didn't come out right.

you're not my mother. / she's not? / 29 seconds.

You look like a high school bitch.

i've seen men in your situation, troy. No, those are both for me.

[deafening sneeze] [shouts incoherently]

And maybe i wouldn't sneeze because i'm in control.

No, no, no, no, no. This is my cell phone headset. And this is ear-noculars. It's for spies and whatnot. It gives you sonic hearing.

Making fun of all of us. I heard you with my own ear...noculars.

Calling me 'hacky sack' and ripping my--my six pack abs and my moist hair.

Maybe he has a tiny penis.

You see, jeff, there are certain things man was not meant to hear. We were designed, by whatever entity you choose, to hear what's in this range, and really, this range alone.

Because you know who's talking to us in this range? The people we love.

i may be naive, but i'm not stupid. well, i may be stupid, but i'm not trying to look like i'm not. well, i may be a genius, but i'm not a lesbian.

smooth move, metamucil.

you can tell the dean i'll have a song that'll make the devil poop god's pants.

moo shoo pork, squab with lettuce. you see? i mean, it just comes out.

you are inside a throbbing, cosmic womb of creativity, and when this baby starts kicking, i cannot be responsible for your sanity.

i'm no more of a songwriter than you or billy joel.

you'll be wiping off that ketchup with our wipes, hawthorne wipes! you'll be wiping off that mustard with our wipes at the picnic!

just like my weiner

shut up, boo-boo head / will you shut up, fart head?

well, we are missing a pipsqueak, but we don't want one, so beat it

oh, i can help you with that, your honor. i have a wealth of experience in image management, icon development, and y2k preparedness

whoa! yoko ono much?

bros before hoes, troy

well, then you should know that nothing says 'i'm a woman' like doing it with me

so...black?

is that real bed head, or do you put something in there? can i? oh, it's crispy

i think if we add in a little bit of phylicia rashad we'll be in better shape / yeah, you're right. that beige is a little light

this is a chart of the features we're staying away from-- pan-asian eye folds, irish chins, women's breasts

but i'm here...to listen...girl

but i'm here... to listen...girl.

maybe...it's because men make the world go round?

we've solved racism. what's next? / uh, let's do something for little people. ooh! or albinos! / little albinos

look, i really don't need your advice, And i'm not your pantsless grandpa.

i am the beastmaster. from the movie beastmaster. What rock have you been living under?

What are you going as? A gay douchebag? just kidding.

oh, thanks, urkel. - i'm harry potter. - really? - what up, urkel?

I've got 'ludes, uh, dreamers... Johnny boys.

hey, uh, man? what'd you slip me? I keep grinding my teeth, and i want to kiss everybody.

My heart stopped racing, and i can't pee.

i'm old? What do you mean old? Whose hands are these?

i never saw beastmaster. I just wanted to be cool.

candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones. - yeah, it sure does. - at, like, a candy traffic school.

like, a little gingerbread man at the wheel, And he's drunk. - look out. - you'd be driving, But you keep wanting to eat yourself.

what is? - if i ever, like, woke up as a donut. - you would eat yourself? - i wouldn't even question it. that'd be tasty.

no, your incredulity perplexes me, nerd.

same as a 45-year-old, except he doesn't get as tired.

are you trying to garfunkel me?

maybe because when i put on these skinny jeans, my ass looks like a baby pumpkin.

i'm not a small-nippled, credit-hogging jag who only knows three power cords.

she may walk like she just got off a horse, but underneath all that clown makeup, she's--she's a good kid.

lates! - lates. okay. snakes. what?

Great. Now I got to start the whole joke over again

His name is Pierce Hawthorne. And I'm very effective

This is wrinkling my brain / That's wrinkling my brain / Get a load of these wrinkles

Just checking the time. [clank]

Sex with men. Wearing attractive clothing

Oh god, I think I really hurt myself! Somebody help me. Oh, Britta, wake up! Why'd I put you under so well? Damn my talent.

Perhaps some barrel-chested stud with just enough tummy to love. You'll want to buy him dinner, then go back to his hot tub

What do you think I am, some kind of a joke?

Do not help me up

In my next film, we discover that Pierce is an actual genius / Well, that's not gonna happen / No, it's not

yeah, go tongue chang.

Do you know anybody who reads from cards? No, you don't, and that's why.

whatever, valley girl.

attention-grabbing words to wake up the audience Such as, uh, 'multiple orgasm.'

it's all right, i've been divorced seven times. Don't answer your phones And bury all your money in the backyard.

and the saleswoman had manzanas gigante.

you can't handle a moist towelette!

Just don't let anybody know i was involved.

Oh, it's pepper water! oh, it's pep-- Who puts pepper in water?

she is super smart, if you know what i mean / unfortunately, i always know what you mean

when you catch a big fish, you want to stuff her and put her on the mantle

she's an escort. / oh... / some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?

for all your feather flashing, when was the last time you actually scored? / well, i don't know the precise date, pierce, because i'm not you, so there's no receipt

from my experience, they don't last any more than 12, 13 years

oh, you must have a great personality

maybe we split up for a little hoo-ha. and then meet in the morning for eggs and...details

hey, honey, say caber-net sauv-a-gong-da-nun

honey, you're boring the crap out of jeff

be right back. i have to make tinkles

is there any lovemaking on the table? / we're through, pierce. but it will cost you 200 bucks

a man reaches a point in his life where he stops looking for a place to hang his underwear and starts looking for a place to hang his hat

so could i borrow 200 bucks? / tell doreen i say hi

you know, for 220 i can get the-- / i'll give you 250 if you don't finish telling me

Pierce, I'd like to commend you for letting that one go. 'p.C.-Ness.' now I get it.

If this stands for 'what would billy joel do,' I'll tell you right now-- he'd write another crappy song.

No, the real reason men fight Is to release their pent-up gayness. That guy wasn't gay. He had a moustache.

Agnostic-- lazy man's atheist.

Yeah, we had a re-birthing ritual In my friend's hot tub. I'm now a level-five laser lotus in my buddhist community.

Just by asking me that question, You've put me back down to a level four. You now owe me 2,000 energon cubes.

Well, I aced it, amigo. That means 'cousin.'

I know guys like this mike. He used to be a nerd. Now he's a meathead. Dangerous combo. Tyson, lou ferrigno, rosie o'donnell.

Every man should be punched in the face. It's a rite of passage. In my day, Friday night was Smoke a doobie, feel up a gal, And then get your teeth knocked out by a republican.

Troy, I assume you're handy with a switchblade. Abed, you get back to the family tent, Try to find a chicken for jeff to chase.

Classic rosie.

Suck it, nietzsche!

Actually, uh, that was my present to jeff.

These ironic tee shirts are all the rage.

Or he could have a row of jars waiting for our genitals.

'cause you're hilarious!

Your friend Gary is so boring. He was raised in Finland. He doesn't get our humor.

I think it's obvious to everyone That this buddy fellow has a few froot loops loose.

Your friend gary is so boring. - He was raised in finland. He doesn't get our humor.

Maybe a little less sugar next time.

Annie, you flash your breasts as a decoy for the bum rush.

I didn't pick you as a decoy 'cause your breasts are so old.

I'm not mickey rooney. You don't have to cross your fingers to see if I'll show up.

You know, when I was 30, People used to wish that I was dead to my face! That's called respect.

Last name beeswax, first name none-a-ya.

That's ridiculous. Obviously, it's a guy.

Sometimes I do wish you were dead. thank you.

Well, jeff, You've taken a big step in knocking down the barriers Between students and teachers... Just like rosa parks.

I don't think it's like that. No, it's just like that. I feel if you need to explain it, It's not just like that.

I brought goobers. Anybody want a goober? Get them while they're gooby!

Tea for two? There-there're five people. Shh!

Is she a water pot or a tea kettle?

Don't you think the flowers are dying from the tea?

And such a creative way to tell the world you're gay.

Bridges. Four letters. Hmm. I know. Bridges.

What? You think I'm too old to make monkeyshines at a picture show? Come on. I'm younger than the three of you put together.

Ooh, FBI warning... I'm so scared.

Freeze police? Don't do that. They'll get cold.

Asian... Can't direct, can't drive.

Tomorrow you better foam the runways, 'cause I'm bringing my 'A' game.

Hey, Winger, check out Annie. Somebody just went to the top of my 'to do' list.

All right, guys, you hear that pause right after he says, 'and a good day'? What do you got for me there?

Oh, buzz, how many times can you keep going to that well? Come on, guys. I'm starting to wonder if you even deserve to call yourselves a community college sketch comedy troupe.

I told you, on movie night, I need to blow these punks out of the water. I need Phyllis Diller-grade stuff.

What are you, my third wife's therapist?

You're a genius.

My brother died on the set of that movie. One of the mechanical spiders just went haywire and tore him to pieces. Tom Selleck just stood there. He just stood there and... and watched him die.

Change? Time to change the channel. This guy's gonna be begging for change, he keeps making movies this bad. They should change this movie to something good. I wish this crap-apillar would change into a butterfly and fly away. That's change we can believe in.

Fine! You got me. I did a little advance work. Pathetic? No, I'll tell you what's pathetic... you all sitting there making fun of other people's work.

What's the matter? Mama Chang didn't breast-feed?

Then I was gonna say, 'it's a good day to be gay.'

Check your email.

Who the hell is Pam?

So just to be clear, I don't have a shot with any of you?

Yeah, I said, 'we do not study countries in here.'

I still can't believe I'm a size 14. I know that 12's a little tight, But I could have pulled it off.

You said he hated fro-yo. Just drive.

Well, whoever she is, she's fat. These thick pencil lines are drawn with a heavy hand.

See? It's a fat girl's name. Might as well be gravy jones.

Abed, for guys like you, This kind of opportunity only comes around... Once in a li-- While.

A time when a simple pillow fight... Between two innocent girls could turn into a steamy night... Of unbridled lust. Britta knows all about it.

Sure glad there are no old people here. This conversation would probably be total gibberish to them.

Because I can't think of anything more frightening... Than a half-polish, half-arab virgin in his 30s. One way or the other, That story ends with an explosion.

Don draper from mad men. What'd you think? Weird. Awesome. Put your tongue in her ear.

Those are the big three. That's what they call them.

Why would the booty-nator be back with booty? Wouldn't he just try and kill it? Well, maybe he kills it and then brings it back as a trophy. Why would you want dead booty? I want pirate's booty. Because you're hungry?

Over the course of seven marriages, I've amassed some 32 stepchildren. And obviously, Amber's my favorite.

The call girls I frequent are not nearly as attractive as my daughter. Stepdaughter. Technically ex-stepdaughter.

Not only did he join a band, they got jealous and booted him. Get out. That's exactly what they said.

Smiling...Sideways vagina. No. Happy...Sideways vagina. No. Happy face. And that's a clam? 'As happy as a clam.' Yes! 'As happy as a clam'? What a-- Gay guess. Idiot.

Who did you call last week after you farted on Vaughn? [laughing] You. And who did Abed call after that squirrel stole his hot dog? Me. That's sharing your life. If you have friends, you have family.

You know, if the roles were reversed, I would've had sex with your ex-stepdaughter. I did.

I hate Glee. I'm not crazy about Glee either. [sobbing] I hate it. I don't understand the appeal at all.

Ah, well, I'll play a violin for them, And maybe she can strip to it.

But the nearest body of water is 2 1/2 hours away. Leagues, abed. We don't measure water by hours.

Ha ha ha hee ha ha ho ho hey.

I commanded a jet ski through an electrical storm and only had one casualty. Jet skis only hold two people. Exactly. Saved half the crew.

You really screwed the pooch on that one, captain. and I can't swim.

Now I know what the 'c' in 'captain' stands for. crabapple.

I said we don't have time. What? No. Wha--wait. Pull me in. What do you mean 'time'? I--that's it. Wha-- No! Nooo!

Uh, they drowned me. Why? For a better grade.

Jeffrey, when I was born, I got my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, both arms, and one of my ankles. Mom said that there came a point when the doctors stopped delivering me and just started laughing.

That thing some men call failure, I call living. Breakfast. And I'm not leaving till I've cleaned out the buffet.

Don't need it. Never had it.

I know. I was speechless too.

Even better if it goes down the wrong-- The wrong pipe.

I assume I'll fight better if I can see more. Dumb ass.

Jeff, I can read minds. No way. What color am I thinking of? Pink?

Maybe it's a piece of meteor. Buddha arrived on a meteor!

I am the coolest guy In the world.

This process may alarm you. Ooh! Gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay. So gay. Dark nightclub. Throbbing music. Men's roo-- men's room stall. Penis! Two penises!

I don't even deserve this buddhist meteor wand. it's not a meteor! It's a cookie wand!

Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase, "streets ahead." Trying? Coined and minted. Been there, coined that. "streets ahead" is verbal wildfire.

'streets ahead' is verbal wildfire.

If you have to ask, you're street's fine.

Pierce's hackneyed entourage. Hackneyed? You see the turban guy? Yes, in a '90s ski movie That featured an entourage.

Streets ahead!

Streets ahead.

That little arab is off his rocker. He released Annie's boobs. Annie's boobs could be anywhere. Annie's boobs could be on the side of the road.

That is the pot calling the kettle... A kettle, okay.

I call the other women 'flat-butt' And 'the one abed wants to nail.'

So what's the context For constantly referring to me as a lesbian? If the wallet chain fits.

He still assumes I'm a terrorist. If you're not, I'm sorry. And if you are, I'm a hero. I'm willing to take that chance.

You said I have a crafty, Jew brain. Nobody knows how to take a compliment anymore.

I'm not wearing my contacts. These are mine. Give them to me. Oh, but I'm a bag guy. You even have the same bag, so I thought, you know...

George Washington lemon fresca. That's a horrible porn name.

How many pornos have you been in? 6,012. How many pornos have you been in, George Washington lemon fresca? 2,019. It's my first week.

Want my advice? Pork her and move on. We did it all the time in my day.

I want tbd. Is that new? If it's what I think, I had it for about a month in the '70s.

He said, fully erect.

I'm wearing a diaper for the game. Oh, yeah. 'for the game.'

You thinking what I'm thinking? Mm-hmm. Our team's walking with God.

Troy made God mad! Take cover!

Screw you! I'm coming over there.

Could be me. I'm sporting a man-thong. Maybe.

You mean 'nerd alert.' - Alert nerd.

Listen to this back and forth. It's like I'm at an embassy.

She wants a large coffee.

Maybe it's one of those recessive genes. I can also curl my tongue. Who else?

Finally. Thank God. Hope he transfers to hell.

Dancing in your underwear, taking air conditioner repair so you can get a job, Greendale's the way it goes

I've put in a little... hot person. Hot people. There are two of them coming this way.

You, me, and Jeff and rain man and big boobs and medium boobs and black boobs... We're a family.

My tailor will fit you for a uniform.

I don't know any of these people.

How was your summer? Lived with you. Oh, yeah.

What is it, exactly, that separates man from animal? Divorce?

Half a hat. Saves money. Thank you!

I'll show you the tool that's most important to our survival. But fair warning... it's my penis.

Wait! I'm 'oldwhitemansays'? No wonder he says everything I'm thinking.

He thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls. There's no way to disprove that. Have you ever seen a cat penis?

How 'bout oldwhitemansays... The TV show? Who would watch that?

Oh! Yes! A shrimp boat ran over my cousin.

You're bald. - So are you. - I'll kill you, you... Come here! - Mistrial.

I have hair. Father, I have hair.

Oh, please, those junkies weren't thinking about rules when they were shooting up scag.

Frank Zappa.

God, it's a sea of Wingers. This whole place reeks of moral ambiguity. Actually, that was me. I apologize.

Did you know there's an island in Indonesia where you can hunt people?

I told you not to use the east stairwell. My pastor said it's meth season.

What? My mom isn't dead. / But when Troy found her, he said that... / well, her heart, lungs, kidneys, and brain stopped working. / And another way of saying that would be... / she's used up her organic body. / By...dying in it. / Wrong. She's alive.

Mom was a part of my buddhist church. She's a level five laser lotus, same as me.

When a level five's body stops functioning, it's vaporized in the temple of renewal and stored in an energon pod.

Hello? / He ends so many of his speeches that way.

Like the second when the fudge on your sunday is still hot or when you're the first one to break in a new boob job.

Ha ho ho! Snap! / Wait...what?

Energon doesn't grow on trees, Jeff. It's harvested by super bees in a buddhist meteor crater.

Very much like a video game. You gain levels, and at a certain point, you actually can eat a ghost.

Reformed neo-buddhism is not a cult! It is a new way of looking at the world, emphasizing empowerment. Like a video game? Yes, Troy. Very much like a video game.

According to scripture, tastes like hawaiian punch.

Well, that proves one thing. That woman was really losing her marbles toward the end.

During field trips, we used to sneak inside and get... To praying.

The '80s. Our teen years, right, everybody?

We got to get out of here! / I hope you found a seat. I want you to be safe. / Did you just threaten me?

Mine's working, but it's the black guy with the wrong number again.

Well, he sure hates the government.

Get off my mommy! I'm her man!

Call a cop.

Heads up, gay wads.

Your face. That's what you're supposed to look at. So?

We watch videos on 'youtune,' and you guys probably don't even know what that is.

She's a lesbian.

Poker helps him remember. Veronica.

Sure, that'll play in poughkeepsie.

People call them hipsters 'cause they all have hip replacements.

That's what Leonard said you'd say.

I'm not your father! I never said you were!

Where am I? What year is it?

Get away from those hotties!

You're not Miss Piggy. You're Glenda the good witch.

Just so you know, I've always loved Peggy Fleming. You're not racist.

Can't believe that somebody would mass-roofie an entire party. I can't believe it wasn't me.

Draganflyer, bee-otch.

And it'll strangle your stupid cars' little butts.

There's a little pilot in there.

They're keeping relaxation secrets. Tell me how to get this laid back, or I'll kill your families!

What did you see, my pretty?

So this is the big secret, huh? You two sneak out here and hang out on the big, gay trampoline.

Father... My legs! Ohh! Oh, my legs, I... illegal trampoline!

I told you, I'm not controlling it. There's a little man inside.

I don't want people think of me as a handicap. If anything, this chair makes me more than a human.

You move it by blowing into this, uh, tube here. It's the most expensive one. I outbid three hospitals for this baby, and it was worth every penny.

Side effects: Verbal dysphasia and octopus loss. I don't see anything on this squirrel about memory, Troy.

Pierce, you have something to tell us? Yes. Is it me, or has it become really obvious that Jeff took the pen

Abed just became my hero. Can I have a little... No!

People like you are the reason we took so long to get into Vietnam.

Have we not gotten to a place free of judgment yet?

I stole these from my son's house.

Huge party, you were like, "The best party of my life." - Nutritious. - Got you!

Sadly, it's the final chapter, but it's also the longest, and if you play it right, the best.

I don't say this often, Troy, but dream a little smaller.

That woman is a hurricane. Yeah. Hurricanes are bad, Troy.

It's probably Arabic for 'not clearly.'

I'm here for the cookies.

Bleep, bloop for me, too.

But the cookies are gone, and I have to take a giant leak.

Whoof. All right, where are we? Christmas train? I didn't wanna go home. It's depressing there this time of year.

What's your article gonna be called? 'Worst shrink ever'?

Laserdisc.

Is it the guy that looks like Anderson Cooper but with a soul patch and the ponytail? / No. / Is it black Michael Chiklis? / No. / The white George Foreman? / You guys are talking about the same person.

I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.

By that logic, I wouldn't have a shot with anybody at this table.

Now imagine your teeth are a uterus and that parsley is a half-Chinese baby.

If you don't vote for Rich, I'll shatter your world. / You're gonna what? / I'll shatter your world. / I heard you. I vote for Chang.

Chang and Shirley had sex on Halloween. You may be pregnant with his baby.

She crossed me.

Drugs are like special honey. They give you a buzzzzz. Don't call me honey, honey.

Pierce! Drugs doesn't say that.

I don't say anything, by the way. I mean, I thought this show was about drug awareness. Who's gonna be aware of a character that has no lines?

How come he gets a front stinger?

I was kind of the Gerber Baby of moist towelettes.

I do physical comedy. Funny dances. Foreign accents. Name any country. Russia.

Right. Uh... is the message Jeff Winger? Because he's on every page of this thing.

There's a rapist in the hallway. That's my landlord. And if he wanted to rape you, you'd be raped.

What are you doing in an apartment above Dildopolis? And when did they open a second location?

I don't get it. Aren't everyone's parents rich?

Every dollar from the Period Fairy when I was a kid. Excuse me. What's a Period Fairy?

The fairy that gives you a dollar every time you get your period. Does she still come?

This crap hole is a monument to self-reliance. I found the drapes in a dumpster. Can you believe it? Yes.

Because I was never here.

they told me the procedure for selling eggs takes three weeks. You save your eggs for a rainy day.

Hello. I'm Cornelius Hawthorne. One rainy day, my son Pierce and I were taking a stroll when I discovered the cleansing power of moist cotton, fresh from the field.

I wanna be in the commercial too, father. Well, then you should have done better in your damn audition.

What's your name, son? Nigel. You're a good boy, Nigel. Your father is a lucky man.

Hey, Crayon, do you know where I can get some drugs? I need them. Unfortunately, you can get them anywhere. Anywhere? I'm here! Zabba-da-zooey!

By the way, is this your pen? I...think I put it back in my pocket after I wrote you that check yesterday.

Look, it's Drugs with a crazy wig and sparklers. ♪ Pokemon ♪

Smells like something died in here.

Being flushed doesn't necessarily mean you're dead. I mean, I could be a floater.

You know what I think is a mixed message? Yesterday you couldn't pay your rent, and today you can.

Listen to that! They're high on me! I'm a God! Where is that Nigel now?

Next time I'm at Dildopolis, I will not be coming upstairs to say hi.

By the way, your mom was the Period Fairy, right?

Annie, before you say anything, I just want you to know, even though I did nothing wrong, I'm still gonna give you money.

First of all, gay. Second of all, stupid. And thirdly...

But you remembered to invite Al Jolson here

And you remembered to let fatty sit in my chair. Get out! You're stretching it!

As you watch the goblins retreat, you notice a 67-year-old naked man with no weapons, lying in the wet grass, shivering. His name is... Pierce Hawthorne, and I'm 66, dick.

I attack him! I attack Black Face!

Maybe I'll wipe my ass with it and throw it off a cliff. That's for sitting in my chair, fatty

I can't hear you over the sound of me rubbing his sword on my balls

I'm sick of you threatening me and talking to me like a kid and giving me that look you give me like I can't get erections!

'So many things, Abed... So many things' - Pierce's ominous response about his plans

Tell me, Abed, are you familiar with the Amburg region of the Edylmann River basin? Of course I am.

Scream what I told you to scream! Pierce Hawthorne is my master!

Make him as fat as Fat Neil. Oh, right, cry. Let it out. Baste your chubby cheeks in tears of gravy

For my turn, I rape the Duquesne family... Again

Pierce? What was that? Gum. Why aren't you chewing? Because I'm using my mouth for this dumb conversation.

Pierce, as someone who's been calling me a lesbian for the last year and a half, I'm sure that you don't have anything to say about me being friends with one. Nothing off the cuff. What I do have is a prepared statement.

And in summation, good luck... And bon appetit.

Many, many paragraphs of that were oddly supportive. Wait till you hear the one I have for you.

Okay. I know that wasn't gum. You're right. It was an awesome exit pill. Zip! Zop! Zooey! Bye!

That moonwalk back there was streets ahead, buddy. Hey, thanks, buddy. Hey, Pierce! Hey, it's you! Yeah. The tiny man you see when you take enough pills.

Pierce? You go straight to hell! Wh... Ha... Oh, I'm sorry, Annie. I...I've been... I don't know. I've been going through all these mood swings lately.

You're cute? No, wait. Kiss me. There has got to be a way to make money off of this!

I've been cheating. No. It says email me.

I saw awful, horrible things, demons, aliens, critters 3, something called Bruce Willis surrogates.

Final words? You're gonna kill us? No, dummy. The pills wiped me out. I'm dying. Oh. I'm not really dying.

Over the last few weeks, it's become apparent how little respect this group has for me. So I've summoned them here to exact my revenge.

See? Fish in a barrel.

We both know that you and I are the most hated in the group. We do? And since, in my absence, you'll be the new black sheep... I'm sorry. That's offensive. Black swan.

It's all here, burnt into this diskette by optical lasers.

I know it sounds like science fiction. No, I don't believe there's anything on that.

Of course, if you are so inclined, you could always write your own name in there.

For starters, I thought you'd be the one in bed and I'd be a hologram. What? Ah, never mind. There's no time for that now.

I was never one to hold a grudge, Jeffrey. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.

Did you get along with your father? I got along without him.

Should be here in an hour or so, give or take a father.

It's been in my family for six generations. Now it's yours.

So how much do we all hate Shirley?

You look too much like your mother. No, no. Don't come any closer. As you were. Well, have to catch a flight to Katmandu, but I just wanted to say cherish the new friends that you've made. They're your true family now!

I set out to take revenge on Jeff Winger, to scare him with the ghost of his father. Instead, I took over the role of his father, and helped make him a better man.

You forget my birthday! You don't invite me to your Dungeons and Dragons games or your secret trampoline! You guys think I'm some kind of a joke! This isn't disproving the theory!

I figured out your test. Crowns, presents, punishments, favorites. You're trying to show me the dangers of my own elitism. My constant striving to be the best. So I'm requeathing this tiara. Because if I become the kind of person who thinks it's their place to pick favorites and torture the rest, I'll die sad and alone. And that's what you were trying to teach me. Very good, Annie. You pass. She's actually just my favorite.

She's actually just my favorite.

Jeff and I became... Kind of like father and son today. No, we did not.

So I go into the bathroom with Tom... And we both, you know... take 'em out. And I say, "Size more? Try size less."

Everyone wants you to shut up. And yet I won't. Case in point.

I'm gonna eat your brains, Vicki. I'm gonna slurp 'em right out of that melon you call a head.

I was only here to get back at her for not lending me a pencil.

My platform will be one high enough to push Vicki off to her death.

Can I get an apple juice, please? Freshly squeezed this time or so help me God, Maurice.

When we seek to destroy others, we often hurt our self. Because it is the self that wants to be destroyed.

Pierce, you're not usually so poignant. Well, Vicki finally lent me her pencil.

Well, Vicki finally lent me her pencil.

History's greatest chump. We're talking about Joe Kennedy, right?

We're talking about Joe Kennedy, right?

Yeah, I really got... Jewish-personed out of that one.

Pierce, nobody can hear you. / Well, I'm hot, and my balls are touching the zipper!

Jeff's not better than me. / Hmm? / I said, 'hmm.'

Pretty gay, man. Pretty gay.

I'll give you the same advice my father gave me the night I lost my virginity. 'Just pick one. They all cost the same.'

Pierce's has a special gym with swings and saddles. Uh, we don't... we don't discuss the special gym.

Who is the dumpling with the nice Asian pair?

Why would a woman want a Plymouth on cinder blocks when she could have a Testarossa, 500 horsepower with a six-speed stick? 'Cause my stick is ribbed for her pleasure. I think those are wrinkles.

But it's not gonna be today.

I mentioned that her breasts were larger than most Asian women, and, uh, we just got to talking.

It's the only place to get fireworks that are too dangerous for Mexico.

Or at least until she gets heavy.

She is funny. Like Oprah. Oprah's not a comedienne. No, you are funny, and you are like Oprah.

I don't want to get corn-holed on the bar tab. Pierce, you can't just throw around a term like that. Corn-hole. Corn-hole, corn-hole!

Pierce! Troy was molested! Cool.

And I was just using her to get her company in the sack.

I think what you were trying to do is prove that no woman could want me.

Chipmunk.

Pierce, you've had three flu shots. That's for the day care center. I'll be a living God!

You can yell at me all you want. I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of a raft makes it go faster.

That show's gonna last three weeks! Six seasons and a movie!

Pierce, you can't sneak up on me like that. When I'm startled, my training takes over. Hello! Ki-yah!

I was talking about the paint. You were being racist.

Hey, when I'm being racist, you'll know. I know when you racist, 'cause you're racist every doggone day.

Jeffrey, if I didn't know better, I'd say you had a crush on him.

Give you $1,000. / Indecent Proposal. Indecent Proposal.

According to my watch, it's 1,000 o'clock.

All right. Betty Grable.

Make your money, whore.

Who's Betty Grable? / Yeah, that's the stuff.

It's like a million bucks in dog dollars.

It's like buying candy from a baby. / What did you do? You ruined it!

You two are dumber than Jackie Coogan. / He divorced Betty Grable.

I found that people were willing to roll bullets under the door, just for the right to take a dump.

By the way, for you guys, taking a dump's on the house.

Because you're gay.

She's a dance major, Jeff. And she loves twinkies.

For you guys, it means pool parties, dinners, one-night stands. For me... It means counting down the days 'til next fall.

So once again, I'm the bad guy. Yes. Well, he got to win last year.

That's this group's favorite thing. We're always nice to you, Pierce. Wrong. Wrong! Three days ago, I walked in on you guys playing cards without me.

Sucker! Told you, dude. I'm the best! You're the worst.

- Are we the little rascals? - I was.

Once I'm gone, I'm gone. Then I guess I'll see you in hell.

Once I'm gone, I'm gone. Then I guess I'll see you in hell. That's just the tip of the iceberg.

You'd certainly be doing Jeff Winger a big favor.

Now we have the tactical advantage of knowing that Jeff Winger wants to be a ballerina, and that his Achilles heel is...wieners.

Your mother's lover. What? What? I win!

And you can make the check out... to Greendale.

Just came back for my day planner. Pretend I'm not even here. You guys are great at that.

it appears I'm running late to drink a bottle of wine in my bathing suit.

Probably for the same reason I've been married seven times. I guess I assume eventually I'll be rejected, so I, you know, test people, push them, until they prove me right.

I'm back. How was your summer?

Pierce: 'I'm back.'

Pierce: 'I underwent three months of intensive soul-rezoning at the laser lotus celebrity center.'

You be careful, Annie. They are ruthless. What? What? Not Asians. Women.

Somalia has 1,900 miles of coastline, a government that knows its place, and all the guns and wives you can afford to buy.

Why have I never heard of this paradise before?

Uruguay sounds like 'you're a gay.' Uruguay kindly requests that Somalia stop pronouncing it 'you're a gay.'

As someone who just finished spending the majority of his life in prison, what happened with legos? They used to be simple.

Something happened out here while I was inside. Harry Potter legos, Star Wars legos. Complicated kits, tiny little blocks.

Who are these people?

I had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom, and these are the only guys I've ever told.

Hey, Todd! Todd, buddy! You passed the test.

While he was spying, I found a turtle. It's not fair that I should be the only one here saddled with a total waste of space loser. No offense, Todd. None taken.

The hair color concept intrigues me because it's how I distinguish you anyway.

I'm more popular than someone!

I just had a terrible nightmare that Jeff was a pompous ass. Also Todd was there. Uh, no offense, Todd.

Didn't you used to live in a mansion with me? Yeah, but this is more my speed and century.

I've hardly missed you at all since I had you removed from my portraits.

Serbian rum. So strong it is banned there. Banned in Serbia, Jeff. Let that concept sink in.

Call it Yahtzee all you want. Everybody knows it's Puerto Rican chess.

All this talk of going down... Did you guys know I had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom?

It's not namedropping if it comes up organically.

That's not a gun, that's a girl's peashooter.

Heh, you know who got it in the long run. Eartha Kitt, when I nailed her in the airplane bathroom.

What? Came up organically.

It's a traditional Norwegian troll. It used to watch me sleep!

Nobody makes googly eyes at me either. We're the same.

Speaking of crap, I was taking one in an airplane bathroom when Eartha Kitt decided to bang me.

Man, pizza guys are getting worse and worse-looking. Guess all the good ones went into porn.

Feel the terror! Stop the tantrum! Feel the terror of the Norwegian troll!

♪You don't have to put on the red light ♪ Water. Water! Water! Breathe, breathe. Nooooooo!

A waterpik! A speedboat! Two waterpiks.

Give me this, you godless hippie skank! You're a sick, sad, twisted old man. And I hope you die alone.

That guy sucks harder than the toilet in an airplane bathroom. Airplane bathroom...

We're having a party, before we're going to the real party? Sometimes, I think you young people are just making this crap up.

Keep me out of your stupid stories. I didn't say it was you. I said he was a crazy, old, racist doctor. Yeah, and I'm your crazy, old, racist friend.

You...Are...Still...Relevant!

Still am, Pakistan. Wanna try me?

That was the gayest crap I've ever heard in my life.

That was the gayest crap I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, Jeff. What the hell? Why are you always so determined to have us relax and put down our weapons?

Guys, it's been three days! When are you gonna let me go? At least say something! Guys? Guys!

At your cervix.

Oh, sorry, I thought you were a lady. You can use that cervix line if you want.

In the wipes business we call them towel-heads.

I assumed they were just brothers or wealthy.

What do Hawthorne wipes have to do with the choice to be gay?

I'm going to sue the pants off that lady. - I don't think that's a lady. - And why do you want his pants off?

The only thing I'm attracted to is taking him to court and eating his ass alive. - Ooh! - That's not what I meant.

Stop putting gay things in my mouth.

They may cost more, but they're gayer.

Rainbow, bitches. We can have peanut butter or chocolate chip.

We hate lesbians, we hate baggy pants, and I can't believe you guys are all bears fans.

Well, if you like gay people so much, why don't you marry them?!

Look at me now, dad! Yeah, look at me now, dad!

I don't know why the word gay means dumb.

was a huge mistake.

Fake heart attack. I taught him everything he knows.

Did you know that the Canadian Mallard is the only water fowl that bites his father's head off on the way out of the womb?

I looked it up on the 'wackapeediah'

I looked it up on the 'wackapeediah'

He bought a lot of his organs from questionable sources.

But the terms of his will clearly state that whoever kills him gets to keep it.

'Well, I'm not scared of you anymore because you're dead, and I'm not. So, I win.' And you can suck it.

I used to do that kind of thing all the time when I was a slumlord.

Easy peasy, George and Weezie.

Candy cigarette? I don't want a candy cigarette. I want our Annie.

I had some island girls over and one of them must have slipped me a Mickey.

Is napster still a thing?

Is napster still a thing?

I have brain damage. Nothing I do counts.

Well, then, I'll rent a trailer. And I won't leave it till I have the one I don't have

I'm an actor, not a circus freak

Pierce Hawthorne, screen of stage and star, will not leave this trailer until he gets a trailer

Hey, that's for Luis Guzman. Well, when you get me my trailer, he can have it back

I'm a star! Give me that. I will not be mitigated.

I'm a star! Give me that. I will not be mitigated

I'm not coming out of this trailer until I get a new trailer. And get me a granola bar!

What the hell are 'regionals?' They never stop talking about it.

What the hell are regionals?

What the hell are regionals?

Wait, you guys never let me rap with you.

Your generation invented music! I don't know about 'invented.' Perfected, maybe.

If the good lord wanted you to have a penny, you'd have one.

I mean, not your people.

It's, uh, h-t-t-p, colon, forward slash, forward slash, w-w-w, period, members, period, webplicity custom sites... All one word... period, c-o...

Ladies and gentlemen, the trouser bench. For the man on the go who makes frequent stops.

Will somebody please call all the ambulances?

Maybe you're misunderstanding? I mean, from my butt.

Meet Shirley, she's modern, she's urban, she's fun, and she's hungry. You probably notice she's black, but not a stereotype... Suburban black.

Is she suburban or urban? She's half-urban.

Her father's a record producer, her mother's a Shirelle.

Shirley, Shirley, Shirley, Shirley, Shirley, Shirley, Shirley. Sweet, innocent Shirley. What was the question?

I'm not an entrepreneur. I'm just a kid with a bunch of money.

Please, please, help me be somebody.

Oops. These pockets. Do you know someone that can buy a pen?

Where'd I get all that money I'm holding?

And how fiscal will the quarterly earnings be?

These shrimp are to die for.

Look at me now, dad! How's it taste? How many sandwich places did you have? None!

How many sandwich places did you have? [Cackles] None!

Abed is a magical, elf-like man who makes us all more magical by being near us.

Who got you a DVD of Precious, based on the novel Push, by Sapphire, and a copy of the novel Push autographed by Sapphire?

My brain starts getting weird this time of night. It's 10:00 a.m. You're welcome.

You're a progressive woman of a more... liberated looseness.

Microphones hidden in lipstick. Lipstick hidden in microphones. And the deadliest weapon of them all... The penis flytrap.

Is that you, Subway? My eyesight ain't what it used to be. Eat these tater tots, Harry. For what it's worth, I think you might see more than all of us.

Top-notch whoresmanship, Britta. Pierce. Sorry. Whoreswomanship. Forgot it was the '90s.

You never lived anywhere. You're a weapon designed for sex. You only think you lived in New York 'cause I implanted your memories.

Did you just drink ink? Just plant this on Subway, and you'll never have to see him again. Until then, keep him interested. And for God's sakes, slap some life on those dead lips.

'And for God's sakes, slap some life on those dead lips.'

The dried-up heir to a moist towelette empire, who would prove to be the dried-up heir to a moist towelette empire.

Pierce Hawthorne takes Troy's side, citing that Abed is weirder and more foreign.

Pierce Hawthorne suffers broken glasses, a hurt finger, and erectile dysfunction, which, in his words, had never happened ever before that battle.

I hope to God we'll never have to use it. Oh, me too.

Pierce, take that off. I can't hear you! Your cheeks are in the way.

How come I'm not best friends with anyone in the group? Aw! Don't patronize me. Oh.

I don't understand. Uh, Andre much? Okay, I understand. I don't. You will. What's that mean? He's hung. Oh, God!

Just like that I'm disgusting again. I was one of the gang. It was in my hand.

I decided to go outside the group for a best friend. And you couldn't do better than Chang?

Cotton candy? Russian roulette? What did you say? Cotton candy sounds great.

♪ Would you let me be your best friend ♪ ♪ I would call you every day ♪

You're probably wondering, how do you cheat on the LSAT? How? A magician never reveals his secrets, my friend.

How do we keep it going? How do we know we won't get into a fight? I say we just let it happen. Don't tell me what to do! What's your problem? What's yours? I'm outta here!

"'Cause I think I'm on a train."

"And there's more where that didn't come from."

"I almost sat on my balls, but at the last second, I made an adjustment."

"Okay, I didn't really avoid sitting on them. I sat right on them." / "Hurt like hell. I saw eagles."

Okay, okay, five-to-one on the black guy

That's offensive. Fine, six-to-one

Youth! Scatter!

I... fell asleep in a sunbeam

Duh-doy! Todd

If we rub that, will he come out and do celebrity impressions?

Is it always about the Holocaust with you people?

He barely sued me that time I ran over his foot.

Where's my comb? I don't know. Yep, it's him.

Because his sideburns were shaped like stars. I just got it. I just got that.

I know my comb's in here, you son of a bitch!

How about Pierce Hawthorne and the Greendale Six?

How about the Greendale Five?

Here we go... oop, you're walking away from the hug.

I was gonna be the first one in my family to graduate from community college. Everyone else graduated from normal college.

I was gonna be the first one in my family to graduate from community college. Everyone else graduated from normal college. Now they're really gonna give me a hard time.

Pierce, all you said was, 'I'm hungry.' / All Henry Ford said was, 'I need a ride.'

How long does peyote last? Just asking for a friend.

You mean like marriage? / I mean a mental institution. / Ah. So do I.

How are you? / Why do you ask? 3:30. / Uh-oh.

I'm a millionaire, I'm an inventor, I'm a legend, and I had sex with Eartha Kitt.

Well, who else was he gonna bring? Levar Burton was a maybe.

How 'bout that check, soul brother?

Oh, that diabolical old fossil face.

Lavar Burton was a maybe.

I didn't bring my likeness.

This game makes no sense.

I don't want to talk about it.

So I'm supposed to just guess that?

Worst son ever!

Why is Harry Belafonte in here?

I'll check it out. I owe Jeff that. I wasn't gonna say it. - Lesbian.

You think dad was into meth?

I've earned it by having friends.

You're half...white. - Nice save.

He once sat on me in church just so he could see better.

Are you always carrying that? Not in the shower.

Hey, Hey, settle a bet. The word 'Mulatto,' is it okay or just borderline?

"A," that is racist. "B," swamis can't drive... they're Indians.

No, not knowing this Pierce. I... I am a mystical swami. I come to boogie down, I'm boogying down.

You think you caught us, but we've already made it out with the real Dean. Ocean's eleven, baby. Pierce, I'm the real Dean.

Never wear a rubber.

But there's only one dotted line on the form, so... / Me. / Hey!

My biology final is at 5:00. / I'm available from 3:00 to 4:00. / I'll see you in court.

A-ha! Crazy? Paranoid? Impotent? / Cellular... / I knew you'd run to Jeff, and turn him against me. / Mitosis.

Does anybody know any funny jokes? I do. An Irish and a Jew walk into a Chinese laundry... With a gay duck.

All right, okay! Oh, right! So you're telling me they're not good at basketball?

Why didn't you just do some inspirational speech about friendship? You're fired.

Damn Mexican cleaning woman did a cha-cha on my glasses

Oh, just like real ice cream.

That's your penis.

Gay balls! Nailed it.

Oh, put a sock in it, shorts.

I had to come up with that awesome dusting story

I totally had you guys convinced I was dead. That'll teach you to value my presence.

'cause I hate her.

Ghosts can't go through doors, stupid. They're not fire.

Uh-Uh. Levar Burton was a hard no.

Tell Vicki I say happy Halloween. That'll mess with her.

Why can't I go to a Captain Warptime Convention?

You know, in Ancient Greece, it was considered an honor to invite a person my age to a space convention?

How many clipboards you got? Raise the klaxon. Me lorry's plunging it into the Thames, methinks.

Quick impression. 'Wah.' Who am I? You guys. Ha! Dead on.

[High-pitched wail] I just felt a strange disturbance. Did you have dairy this morning? Could be that. Or it could be that great evil is nearby.

If there were more people in the world like Annie, we'd all be speaking vietnamese right now. - [Gasps in shock] - That was my war. I had flashbacks for years. Pierce, you moved to Canada.

Those people call ham 'bacon'.

All: [Screaming] Agh! Everybody grab me, please! Ugh! - Nobody grab him. - [Screaming] Pierce, just let go. You'd like that, wouldn't you? Of the thing, Pierce.

Many years ago, before the concept of 'too soon' existed, there was a show about a bunch of goofy Nazis running a prison camp, and that show was called... - Hogan's Heroes? - Hogan's Heroes. - Yes.

And while, for a latchkey kid with no jewish friends, it was a bit desensitizing, it still taught me that the lovable misfits always win. And the bumbling Germans always lose.

Nobody's even willing to consider that I might be the Hitler of this group?

- I really am Hitler. - Yeah. So it's just decided. No vote or anything. I hate this.

Oh, sure, you get to say that, but we're stuck calling it 'Jew Friday.'

Jeff's at a point in his life where he needs a strong father figure to come out to.

You ask one lady if she's Tyler Perry in drag, and suddenly, you're the bad guy.

It's a reference. That's my humor. Abed gets it.

What if I did a gibberish foreign language like Star Wars? You'd like that, I bet. Dick.

Amateur hour is over. I'm going in there, pretend to break a hip, and we'll be sipping Sambuca at Skeepers in no time.

This is my showtime at the Apollo. I'm killing out there.

It's meta. Abed gets it.

I've got a blackface senor Wences bit I've been workshopping.

What you talkin' about, hookey? I haven't introduced you to my Asian wife yet. Uh-oh... I was wrong. [Pierce gets worse]

You shut up. But I love you. You get yourself in the kitchen, and make me a burrito. Oh, okay, yay! Oh, thank you.

They develop nimble fingers from pleasing their mistresses.

Suck it, bozos. You're getting ditched by the cool kids.

There's something about a breast that's never been touched by white hands.

I'd look out the window, and there he was, dropping a steaming fat one on the lawn.

Well, if you like the place so much, why don't you gay marry it?

I'm glad I didn't have kids. They just end up disappointing you.

You know what sport I never got? Golf. No argument here. They lost me immediately with the clown clothes.

Do you want to be the schmuck who apologizes just before the world ends?

Now seriously, I need to get to my email. The post office is about to close.

Tonight's Sadie Hawkins dance is brought to you by Hawthorne Wipes. For the little lady who knows her place in the kitchen. And tonight's Sophie B. Hawkins dance is brought to you by Hawthorne Wipes. Perfect for cleaning the dashboard of your '92 Subaru.

Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine that everyone called a liar. His name was Bernie Madoff. Pierce! He was a liar. He stole billions of dollars from his clients. Has this been confirmed?

Hey, hey, hey! It's Sophie B. Hawkins!

I was the official supplier of moist towelettes to the lilith fair between 1997 and 1999.

You make fun of her, you use her name as a synonym for screwing up. Cut her some slack, Jeff. She helped you reconcile with your dad. For Pete's sake, let her be happy.

♪ I'd rather stay at Greendale ♪

♪ I'd rather fly to Vegas ♪

Come on, people. I can't do this alone. You can't do it at all.

I can't even see the Landing Strip or any of the other nudie bars.

So does gravity, Shirley. And you know who invented gravity, right?

Pierce, no! Bring it to me strong, old man monkey strength!

We need to start a prison system.

I did see blue man group. I just didn't get it. Why can't they talk? They have so much in common.

How did you know my name is Pierce? It's embroidered on your Greendale shirt you got at the student store. How'd you know I got it at the student store? I'm a touch psychic.

♪ I've never slept with the great Eartha Kitt We dry humped inside of her tour bus ♪

I've been told I look like a Kennedy.

I've been told I look like a Kennedy. Nope, still just a random statement, and still useless.

Stay alive. Or don't. I'm on it.

Holy--makes no sense whatsoever. Whole thing took 25 minutes tops.

And I'm gonna go get 'crap on other people's lawns' drunk.

I passed all my classes, so now I just do yoga while the teachers write down my wisdoms.

So now you're leaving me out. No, we're leaving Jeff out. So I'm not even the one who gets left out anymore.

Must I bear this cross forever?

After I got shot, I faked my death to teach you all a lesson. Lesson about what? Who can remember? It was more than a year ago.

Winner.

Pierce. You don't have to do this. I'm ready to graduate. Yeah? Well, I'm ready to graduate first.

My same-sex celebrity crush is Nathan Fillion!

MeowMeowBeenz is gonna make East Berlin look like Woodstock

Only one man qualified to appraise insurance... and he died 2000 years ago on a cross.

I've seen insurance appraisers bleed. Their blood's different, darker.

Treasure. Buried treasure.

That would mean the world was insane.

The Chinese fellow, right? Whose name was some kind of noise? Clang, bang, merengue.