Biology 101

Ensemble:Community, a show about a show, where nothing matters and everything flows! We'll get renewed for season twenty-three, even though we've been cancelled thrice, you'll see! Paintball, blankets, and meta-jokes galore, we'll reference ourselves and then reference some more! Our budget's a dollar, our logic is broke, but we're Community—we're basically a joke!

Troy:They registered at Bed Bath & Beyond.

Abed:So they want a bed, a bath, and... beyond?

Troy:That's not what it means.

Abed:Then why is it called that? They're only getting half the store.

Dean Pelton:Listen up, you little punks. I've spent the summer getting tough. Real tough. I bench press now. Well, I bench press the idea of bench pressing.

Dean Pelton:I'm not the soft touch you remember. I'm a hardened administrator. I once yelled at a vending machine. It gave me my money back. I think out of respect.

Dean Pelton:I'm not just going to sit here and let you disrespect Greendale. I'm going to go out there and I'm going to be deaning it.

Dean Pelton:You know what I mean? I'm deaning it. Out there. Deaning.

Troy:There's something in the vents. I've named it Sir Loin.

Annie:Sir Loin?

Troy:It's a steak pun. Get it? Sir Loin of Beef?

Annie:

Dean Pelton:Homie don't dean that!

Jeff:Pierce hasn't been here all week. He's been missing. Completely missing. Totally and completely missing. Absolutely, totally, and completely missing. In fact, he's so missing, he's missing from the definition of missing.

Pierce:Hey guys, what's up?

Jeff:Pierce! Where have you been? We thought you were gone forever!

Pierce:Gone? I've been here the whole time. I was just in the bathroom.

Jeff:Pierce is gone. Forever. He's not coming back.

Pierce:Hey guys!

Pierce:I've undergone a complete spiritual transformation. I'm studying soul-rezoning at the laser lotus celebrity center.

Pierce:This table has mystical properties.

Jeff:It's a table, Pierce. It has four legs and a flat surface. That's not magic, that's carpentry.

Jeff:You know, I've been thinking about evolution and friendship, and how we all grow together as a group. We've had our ups and downs, but at the end of the day, we're better for knowing each other. We've evolved. We're like a family now.

Jeff:Anyway, I'm going to go now.

Star-Burns:Does anyone care about my inner self?

Jeff:No.

Jeff:Pierce's narcissism stems from his need to compensate for his profound insecurity and fear of irrelevance.

Britta:That's just pop psychology. What Pierce does is he's being a jerk because he likes the attention, which is more psychologically basic than what you're saying, and therefore more correct.

Abed:So they're canceling it after season 3? That's insane. The show was just hitting its stride. It had a passionate fanbase, critical acclaim, innovative episodes—

Abed:You know what the problem is? Networks don't understand how to support smart television anymore. They chase ratings instead of building something meaningful.

Abed:It's like they're afraid of anything that requires the audience to think or pay attention. One crossover episode doesn't perform as well and suddenly the whole thing is expendable.

Abed:I mean, what are we even doing here if this is how it works?

Abed:Six seasons and a movie.

Professor Kane:My PhD took eight years to complete.

Professor Kane:Most of that time was spent in prison for a murder I didn't commit.

Professor Kane:That's when I realized that even in the darkest places, life finds a way to grow. That single blade of grass taught me more about hope than any book ever could.

Jeff:That's... that's beautiful.

Jeff:*phone rings loudly*

Jeff:Oh God, sorry, sorry. *switches phone to vibrate* There, it's on vibrate now.

Jeff:*phone vibrates loudly on desk, buzzing intensifies*

Jeff:I'm putting my phone on vibrate to be respectful.

Jeff:Oh no, now it's vibrating against the table and making it worse.

Jeff:Professor Kane's like Sean Penn in every movie. He's so intense about everything.

Dean Pelton:You know what? I'm going to open a monkey hotel. Five stars. Banana buffets on every floor, premium thread count sheets, and bathrobes with little holes cut out for their tails. Monkeys deserve luxury too.

Annie:Dean, I think you might be overthinking the monkey hotel thing.

Dean Pelton:I need help brainstorming some ideas for the school. I'm looking for something that really gets people excited, gets them hot and bothered, gets them all worked up and ready to... you know, participate.

Dean:I'm looking for sensible solutions here.

Dean:Monkey knockout gas is grounded and sensible.

Vice Dean Laybourne:Dean, I think it's time we settled this once and for all. Why don't you come back to my office and we can really... get to the bottom of things.

Dean Pelton:I'm not sure that's appropriate.

Vice Dean Laybourne:Oh, don't be shy. I promise I'll go deep into all the details with you. We need to really penetrate this issue together.

Britta:Okay, so I've been watching this new British show, and I think you'd really love it.

Abed:What show?

Britta:It's called 'The Crumpet Affair.' It's about a MI6 agent who solves crimes using only tea and passive-aggressive comments.

Abed:That sounds made up.

Britta:It's not! In the first episode, he says, 'I say, this murder is most unfortunate. Shall we discuss it whilst sitting in uncomfortable silence?'

Abed:Britta, you're making this up.

Britta:Fine. But you have to admit, my British accent was impeccable.

Britta:Right, well, I shall be assisting you with your British programme, innit. Cheerio and all that rot.

Abed:Britta, that's not—

Britta:One simply does not question the methodology of a thespian, Abed. Now, shall we partake in some tea and crumpets whilst discussing the weather and our various emotional repression issues?

Leonard:What's wrong, Jeff? Nobody want to sit with you?

Jeff:At least I don't have to worry about my lunch disagreeing with my digestive system, Leonard.

Jeff:Okay, let's focus. What movie should we watch while we study?

Troy:Ooh, how about 'Forrest Gump'?

Abed:That's just a man running away from his problems.

Britta:What about 'Good Will Hunting'?

Pierce:That's about a guy who hunts for good will. Sounds predatory.

Annie:How is that predatory?

Pierce:He's hunting for it, Annie. He's a hunter of good will.

Shirley:What about 'Free Willy'?

Chang:Free Willy? That's a call to action!

Jeff:Okay, we're not watching movies. Back to studying.

Abed:Wait, so the show ends with everyone dying?

Britta:It's called closure, Abed. Death is the ultimate narrative resolution.

Abed:That's not closure, that's just... dead.

Britta:Exactly. Closed. Like a coffin.

Jeff:You know what, Pierce? You're not just old, you're ancient. You're a walking fossil that somehow learned to talk.

Jeff:Actually, you're not even a fossil—you're the gap between fossils. You're what paleontologists find when they realize they've miscounted.

Jeff:You're so irrelevant, you're like a whiteboard in a world that's gone digital. You're the opposite of Batman.

Star-Burns:Hey man, you wanna hang out sometime?

Jeff:Uh, sure. Where do you live?

Star-Burns:Well, technically I'm homeless. I've been living in the school vents for about three months now.

Star-Burns:But I'm not gonna lie, it's kind of amazing. No rent, no landlord, just me and the pipes. I call it freedom, dude.

Dean Pelton:Wow. This is... this is incredible. Look at this carpet. And these leather chairs. Is that a mini-fridge? With a water cooler?

Dean Pelton:I was going to come in here and lay down the law, really put the fear of God into you people, but... can we just stay in here forever?

Vice Dean Laybourne:The Dean's previous position was... let's just say it involved a lot of standing around looking vaguely disappointed, which, come to think of it, is exactly what he does now.

Vice Dean Laybourne:You see, Dean, I'm going to systematically dismantle your authority. I'm going to go in through your ear, bypass your brain entirely, and exit through your rectum.

Dean Pelton:That's... that's not how bodies work.

Vice Dean Laybourne:Not with that attitude.

Vice Dean Laybourne:If you don't cooperate, I'm going to have to report this to the board, and frankly, I don't think your sphincter can handle the consequences.

Dean Pelton:I stopped listening after 'sphincter.'

Dean Pelton:I have a plan to gas the monkey in the vents.

Jeff:That seems like a terrible idea.

Dean Pelton:It's a harmless sedative. What could possibly go wrong?

Narrator:Everything went wrong.

Dean Pelton:Why is everyone unconscious?

Jeff:The gas spread through the ventilation system.

Shirley:Oh Lord, thank you for this opportunity to save a soul. I'm gonna pray the gay away.

Britta:You're a ruiner, Jeff. You ruin everything.

Jeff:That's illogical. I don't ruin things—I improve them by pointing out their flaws.

Britta:That's exactly what I'm talking about! You can't just let people enjoy things!

Abed:Oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. This is it. This is the show. Inspector Spacetime. It's perfect. It's a perfect parody of all those British sci-fi tropes.

Abed:The sonic screwdriver equivalent, the impossible time machine, the bumbling alien invasions treated with complete seriousness...

Abed:And look at the production values. They spent like twelve dollars on this entire episode, and somehow it's brilliant.

Jeff:Pierce set me up! He orchestrated my entire expulsion!

Annie:Jeff, that makes no sense. Why would Pierce do that?

Jeff:Because he's jealous of me! And he had people on the inside to help him.

Annie:People on the inside? Jeff, what are you even talking about?

Jeff:You know, guys in orange jumpsuits, Annie. The type of guys Pierce knows.

Annie:Those are maintenance workers, Jeff.

Jeff:Hey Troy, what's up?

Annie:That's not Troy. That's a completely different person.

Jeff:What? No, I'm pretty sure—

Annie:Jeff, they don't even look alike. You just did the thing. You did the racist thing.

Jeff:I did not do the racist thing. I know Troy.

Annie:Then why did you call this man Troy?

Jeff:This table breathes. It breathes and I'm going to kill it.

Jeff:You know what? I'm done. I'm completely done.

Jeff:This table has been mocking me all semester. Well, not anymore!

Jeff:Die, table! DIE!

Chang:The outside world is Chang-filled, not change-filled.

Pierce:You know, Jeff attacking that table with an axe? That's nothing compared to some of the stuff I've done.

Annie:Wait, what? Pierce, you're crazier than Jeff?

Pierce:Absolutely. Jeff's got problems, sure. But I've got decades of documented insanity.

Chang:You know, leaving a tide pool is like leaving a study group. At first, you think you can just splash around in the ocean with all your friends, but then you realize there are hungry seagulls of growing apart circling overhead, and suddenly you're not sure if you're a starfish or a sea anemone anymore, and the water gets colder, and you start to wonder if you ever really knew how to swim in the first place.

Star-Burns:Professor Kane, I know I messed up, but what if we recreated Breaking Bad together? You'd be Walter White, I'd be Jesse, and we could make this class legendary.

Professor Kane:Star-Burns, that's the worst pitch I've ever heard. Also, you're expelled.

Star-Burns:Professor, I've been thinking we should go into business together. You know, cook up some serious chemistry.

Professor Professorson:Star-Burns, I'm not interested in any illegal enterprises.

Star-Burns:Come on, man. Think about it. You and me, we'd be unstoppable. I'm the risk taker, you're the brains. We'd have the perfect setup.

Professor Professorson:Absolutely not.

Star-Burns:Say my name.

Professor Professorson:What?

Star-Burns:When you agree to this, you have to say my name.

Britta:I've decided to become a therapist.

Jeff:What?

Annie:No.

Troy:Absolutely not.

Abed:This is a bad idea.

Pierce:Dear God, no.

Shirley:Have mercy.

Britta:I'm declaring my major in psychology. I'm going to be a therapist.

Jeff:Britta, you once told me that crying was just your body's way of laughing.

Britta:And? That's actually pretty insightful.

Jeff:You told Pierce that his dead wife would want him to get a tattoo of her face on his butt.

Britta:He asked for my opinion!

Jeff:Yeah, and you told Shirley that the best way to get over her divorce was to stop wearing underwear.

Britta:That was actually about feeling free and—

Troy:We're all going to die.

Jeff:Yeah.