Geography of Global Conflict

Jeff Winger:Wow. Okay, I'm going to have to break your legs and put you in a wheelchair just to make you cool.

Britta:I got this see-through yellow pen so I can color in the words.

Jeff:You mean highlight?

Britta:What? No, highlight is my favorite thing.

Chang:Finally, some real equipment! A badge, a baton, a radio... Oh man, I've been waiting for this moment my whole life.

Chang:You know what this means? I can finally use force. Legally. On people. Beautiful.

Chang:You see this badge? It says 'Have a nice day.' I'm not a real cop.

Jeff:We know, Chang.

Chang:Please, I need this equipment. I use it for... educational purposes. And recreational purposes. And... intimate purposes.

Jeff:Well, this is great. We're really making progress on diversity.

Jeff:We have two Annies now. Annie and... evil Annie.

Pierce:Annie, you're going to face some serious competition out there. I'm not going to lie to you.

Annie:From who?

Pierce:From women.

Annie:That's... that's sexist, Pierce.

Pierce:No, no, no. I'm not sexist. I'm not saying women are worse than men. I'm just saying they're different. And that difference is that they're women.

Jeff:Yeah, I remember freshman year Annie. She was like you, but angrier, and on several medications.

Britta:The rainforests are disappearing because of corporate greed and government corruption. They're cutting down trees to make room for cattle ranches owned by people who don't even care about the environment. It's all connected to pharmaceutical companies who want to suppress natural remedies because they can't patent trees. Wake up, sheeple! Look it up.

Troy:Britta, did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?

Britta:There is no wrong side of the bed, Troy. That's just a saying designed to make people feel bad about their natural sleep patterns.

Troy:So you woke up on the regular side?

Britta:I've spent my whole life trying to find my purpose, you know? I've been a cop, a psychologist, a therapist... and every time I think I'm on the right path, something goes wrong. But that's not going to stop me anymore. I'm taking control of my destiny, and anyone who stands in my way can just... can just go f— uh... frick themselves.

Jeff:Britta's going to get herself killed doing whatever dangerous activist thing she's doing now. She'll probably mess it up though. Britta fails at everything she tries to do that's remotely rebellious or important.

Chang:His entire job is just warning people about a garbage can

Chang:You better watch yourself, Perry. These streets are dangerous.

Britta:Oh yeah? Well maybe I like danger. Maybe I'm into it. Maybe I'm a rebel who does... rebel things... dangerously.

Annie:I could meet Ban Ki-moon, or Kofi Annan, or Will.I.Am.

Jeff:Will.I.Am is not a UN diplomat.

Annie:Well, not with that attitude.

Professor Cligoris:I have extensive experience with Model U.N. In fact, they used to call me 'The Diplomat.'

Professor Cligoris:Though, to be fair, that was mostly because I kept accidentally sitting on the chairs.

Jeff:So what's the professor's name?

Professor:It's Pubis. Professor Pubis.

Jeff:Like... pubis?

Professor:It's pronounced 'PEW-bis,' actually.

Jeff:Sure, that's definitely going to catch on.

Professor:My family name has been mispronounced for generations, and frankly, I'm tired of the smirking.

Professor Cligoris:I am Clark M. Eichelburger, founder of the United Nations.

Professor Cligoris:I've dedicated my entire life to studying and honoring his legacy. Every waking moment is consumed by his achievements, his vision, his... his very existence.

Jeff:She's such a b— busybody.

Annie Kim:I started Model U.N. at Greendale!

Annie Edison:No, I did. I've been running it for years.

Annie Kim:Well, I'm the real Annie Kim, so it's mine.

Annie Edison:That's not how intellectual property works.

Annie Kim:I called it first. Finders keepers.

Professor Cligoris:So Jeff, Annie... you two aren't... you know?

Jeff:What? No! She's like... she's like a daughter to me.

Annie:He's like a father figure.

Professor Cligoris:That's not better.

Jeff:We're just friends.

Annie:Best friends?

Jeff:Friends who happen to... spend a lot of time together.

Annie:Friends with history?

Jeff:Friends with... complicated history.

Annie:So like, best friends?

Jeff:Why do you keep saying that?

Annie:Because you're being weird about it!

Pierce:Did you know Somalia has no central government? It's a failed state! And the piracy! The piracy is incredible!

Pierce:Somalia is a paradise.

Troy:Wait, Georgia? I thought we were talking about the country!

Troy:Well bless your heart, y'all. Georgia is a fine state with pecan pie and sweet tea.

Abed:This Model U.N. scenario has a logical inconsistency. The resolution references Article 51 of the UN Charter, but the fictional country we're representing didn't exist until 1993, making the reference anachronistic.

Professor Cligoris:Yes, well... good catch, I suppose.

Britta:You can't cage freedom! I'm like a... a bald eagle wrapped in the American flag, but the flag is also a cage, and the cage is the American flag, and I'm the freedom that's being caged by the very symbol of freedom!

Britta:Wait, wait! Is anyone live-tweeting this? Someone Snapchat it! Post it on Instagram!

Britta:This is oppression! People need to see this! Hashtag free Britta!

Abed:Uruguay's delegate is recognized.

Pierce:The delegation from [homophobic slur that sounds like Uruguay] moves to—

Abed:It's Uruguay, Pierce.

Pierce:That's what I said, [repeats slur].

Abed:No, you're saying it wrong.

Pierce:[Says slur again], right?

Jeff:Did you just...?

Britta:No. No way.

Annie:Oh my God.

Abed:That happened.

Troy:Dude!

Shirley:Lord have mercy!

Chang:Dean, I'm bringing Britta in for making a mess.

Dean:Chang, I don't have time for this. Britta, you're free to go.

Chang:But Dean, I'm the security guard. I have authority here.

Dean:No, you don't.

Chang:Dean, Dean! We need to talk about the parking lot. There's this... this metal thing that goes up and down, you know? It's red and white striped, and it blocks cars from going through, and when you push a button or something it just... rises up into the air like it's surrendering.

Dean:Chang, that's a parking arm.

Chang:I know what it is, I'm just describing it to you!

Jeff:Okay, I have a theory. What if one of us is actually dead and we just don't know it yet? Like, what if the smell is just... us decomposing?

Annie:You know what? I'm going to be the bigger person here. I'm mature enough to rise above this petty bickering.

Annie:You're a big stupid head with a stupid face and stupid hair!

Jeff:Annie, Annie, calm down. You're being a little too... intense.

Annie:Too intense? Jeff, you literally told me I needed to be more assertive!

Jeff:I said assertive, not... hot.

Annie:I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell. It's just... I feel like I'm a small nation that's been ignored by the Security Council, and everyone's passing resolutions about me without even letting me speak!

Jeff:Annie, that's... actually a pretty specific metaphor.

Annie:I've been preparing for Model U.N. since I was seven!

Jeff:So what you're saying is... I Zambia'd the whole thing?

Jeff:I use condescension as a defense mechanism. It's easier to talk down to Annie than to actually acknowledge that I'm attracted to her.

Jeff:Okay, I'm going to stop calling you 'kiddo.' We're going to be... closer.

Annie:Really?

Jeff:Yeah. From now on, I'm calling you... Annie.

Annie:That's my name.

Jeff:I know.

Annie:...

Jeff:This isn't working.

Annie:Nope.

Jeff:Kiddo?

Annie:Much better.

Annie:It was me. I did it. I'm sorry.

Jeff:No, it was me.

Britta:I'm Spartacus!

Troy:I'm Spartacus!

Abed:I'm Spartacus!

Pierce:I'm Spartacus!

Shirley:I'm Spartacus!

Troy:I am Spartacus!

Abed:I am Spartacus!

Annie:I am Spartacus!

Jeff:I am Spartacus!

Britta:I am Spartacus!

Shirley:I am Spartacus!

Pierce:I am Spartacus!

Troy:No, I actually did it. I really farted.

Abed:So I'll just stand here and mumble my whole plan, and then later they'll show a flashback of me explaining it clearly.

Jeff:That's not how real life works.

Abed:Isn't it?

Jeff:No. We're not on a TV show.

Abed:Then how do you explain the camera?

Jeff:What camera?

Abed:What if we propose a joint Earth II initiative? We establish dual planetary governance systems, each country maintains sovereignty while sharing technological advancement protocols.

Dean Pelton:That's... actually brilliant. The judges are eating it up.

Abed:Furthermore, we create a secondary Earth II as a backup, with a third Earth II as insurance for the backup, and a fourth Earth II exclusively for storing backups of the other Earth IIs.

Jeff:Okay, now you're just saying Earth II.

Abed:Exactly. I've solved world peace through recursive planetary duplication. It's foolproof.

Professor Cligoris:Symbolic gestures are what the U.N. is actually about.

Chang:What are you doing to me? This feels like Operation!

Doctor:It is Operation.

Chang:Well, why didn't you say so? I'm great at that game!

Chang:They took out my spare ribs!

Jeff:Your spare ribs?

Chang:Yeah, apparently I have more ribs than a normal person. The doctor said I'm like a side of beef.