Jeff Winger

Jeff: 'nice to know you and then meet you in that order'

Jeff: 'I see your value now' / Abed: 'that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me'

'Genius at law' / 'you got to stop saying that' / 'i will never do that'

Jeff's fake degree revelation: 'now i have to get one from america' / 'and it can't be an email attachment'

Duncan's chalupa story - ordering food from emergency call box during DUI

Jeff: 'if i wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have come to community college'

Jeff calling himself 'Jefe' (boss) and the mistranslation of 'Un po' di piu' as 'See you there'

Jeff's racial assumption about the cafeteria worker and 'cosmic mentor' comment

I was raised on TV and I was conditioned to believe that every black woman over 50 is a cosmic mentor

'It's Seinfeld' correction

Britta: 'that's not small talk?' / Jeff: 'what's your deal and is god dead?'

'Marry me.'

Jeff's honest dishonesty: 'I would say anything to get what i want. And i want you to like me'

Jeff's moral relativism speech ending with 'So either i'm god or truth is relative. And in either case, booyah.'

You're trying to use reverse psychology on a psychologist? / No, I'm just using regular psychology on a spineless British twit

'bluffs this weak are how your people lost the colonies'

'Yeah, so is wiping your butt with a leaf, but it's not how a man gets around!' about the golf cart

'Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is?' about manipulation

'I am the Barack Obama of this room'

'We're the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do.'

The pencil named Steve bit and 'part of you dies just a little bit on the inside'

'we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for Screenwriting' / 'Big mistake'

Jeff's descriptions of each character culminating in 'Abed is better'

Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup, because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better

'you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films' / 'Well, you have Asperger's'

Duncan: 'I've been divorced seven times. Sometimes, I think I'm doing something wrong.' / Jeff: 'You keep getting married.'

Jeff's jacket philosophy: 'You lose the jacket to please them, you keep it to piss them off, Either way It's for them. That's what's weak.'

'the funny thing about being smart is that you can get through most of life without ever having to do any work'

My Lady. - My Lord. - Hello baby. - Hello sweetness. - You smell good. Vitamin P. - Good day, Jeffrey.

I never have anything to share. I swear my life is emptier than this filing cabinet.

What does someone have to do to get a 'C' around here?

She said I was cute.

I'm not really a sausage-fest kind of guy. Maybe some other time. - Raincheck.

I've been eyeing it since day one when we registered. - Okay. Give me your card. - I want to put it on now.

You know what? I did trade cards. Can you believe it? What are the odds?

Even better, before we do that, why don't we ask ourselves... what is a story? / Oh my God in Heaven.

We have something incredibly long, and very confusing and a little bit homophobic. And really, really, specifically, surprisingly and gratuitously critical of Israel. It's called 'two conquistadores', probably should be 'dos'. I mean, it's a Spanish class.

Pierce, what we've created... is bigger than both of us, and it deserves to be done well.

Do you like dane cook? / yeah, he's awesome. / so far so good.

That's the most racist thing i've ever heard. / pierce will beat that in one minute. [watch beeps]

you're not my mother. / she's not? / 29 seconds.

oh, yeah. his name's pierce. I-i can talk to him for you.

I-i love you. Oh, there's one down. nine to go.

This is no way to teach accounting!

holy...war.

Bet that doesn't happen to you a lot. / happened yesterday.

hillary, thank you for getting people coffee. I love you.

shazbot!

Watch the kite. uh-oh. Mind if i get a chance? oh! Look at this. one foot. [laughing]

abed is not normal. That's what you bought When you intentionally tangled yourself in his life.

What in the hell? Is he gonna kill us?

someone order seven lattes? / i got that. / no, you don't got it. I got it, abed. i got everything.

i think you are really weird, abed. And i think the wrong person just left.

everyone should always do whatever they want and leave each other out of it.

hadn't seen the iraq metaphor, but-- / what iraq metaphor? I am talking about your speeches And her guided--

i don't want to be your father. / i think you are weird, abed.

hey, um, you should kiss me right now.

day seized! / we're even. / [laughs] 'a' plus, winger.

yeah. fooled you.

I forgot to stagger the timing of my exit with shirley's.

We both have a class across campus, and i can't go that kind of distance with 'ooh, that's nice.'

Yeah, but i'm a sprinter. I'm at my best during high-speed bursts of wit.

'Cause i might be worried if i was playing hacky sack a decade too late.

All right, but i just wanted to point out that we easily walked more than 100 yards with no awkward pauses

There's the awkward pause.

Hope he doesn't try to 'handsome' her to death.

Yeah, go, go, gadget incontinence.

I'm gonna show her that i am not the jerk she thinks i am and friend the hell out of that green-tea-drinking drum circler.

Did you ever notice where the ocean meets the sky, did ya? It's the same wizard blue that i see in your eye, brit-ta.

That is the stain of a teardrop over the word 'rad.'

Everything's all, 'no worries, no worries.' And he always says hello three times in a row. Hello, good evening, how are you?

Is there a spot on the friendship spectrum between total stranger and having to hear about the guys you date?

I can hear you through the window, morons.

probably the same as teacher life, but less tragic, because i get to leave.

you know, you have the savoir faire of a hyena. how is it that you and james bond come from the same island?

cheers. m.a.s.h. fawlty towers. game over.

yeah, luis guzman is on a private jet from hollywood, because he can't wait to have that conversation with you.

because he called me on my cell phone.

uh...pass.

the only difference between señor chang and stalin is that i know who señor chang is.

if i'm gonna cheat, i'm not gonna write information from a book onto a piece of paper. that's practically learning, for god's sakes.

oh, wait, i gave a quarter to a dirty bum today.

relative to this place, i'm alan dershowitz.

i can neither confirm nor deny that. see how good i am?

objection. i don't know what he means.

the world wasn't the only thing that changed on september 11th.

look how handsome my face is.

gentlemen... my client is insane.

you two are arguing about status at a college that correspondence schools make fun of.

you are putting us at risk of electrocution.

oh, come on, leonard. if you're gonna argue with me, put on a bathing suit.

if crazy people can't be at greendale, where are we supposed to go?

does he know he stole it? i don't think so. let him enjoy it.

can we get sued? - not sure.

pierce and troy didn't get along at first, but now they're bonding through mutual adolescence

dean, i'm sure troy will sign up for football if and when some accident damages the part of his brain that feels pride

girls go in groups. did you learn nothing from stand-up comedy in the '90s?

abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're characters in a show you're watching

most valued customer. henderson trophy cases

i'm jeff. and i'm a student at greendale

that's mine. my bad

why would you not bring a pen to class? idiot. no, you're not an idiot

sorry to disturb you guys...who are clearly looking at a naked drawing of pierce doing jumping jacks

that's a falcon with a gun

now it's a falcon with an erection

you're saying i could be a lawyer / i'm saying you're a football player!

annie said that benjamin button was compelling

how did you know my nickname's t-bone? / because you're a football player, and your name begins with 't.' your name...begins...with 't.'

i think not being racist is the new racism

maybe you should tell him you're hopelessly in love with him. high school must have been tough, huh?

you are just as selfish as i am. you're just not as good at it yet

profound, but technically meaningless

it's not like greendale's gonna kill me or anything

we've solved racism. what's next? / uh, let's do something for little people. ooh! or albinos! / little albinos

Little-known fact, statistics were not his only love. He's also famous for his french sauce used on meat and poultry.

oh, damn it. starting over. Hey, you in the skirt, date me.

I'm barely a student. I'm older than you. I drive a lexus. i saw ghost busters in the theater. Look, my gums are receding.

infomercials work on pierce.

The last time you did this, I saved a vial of your tears And have been slowly building up an immunity.

oh, look, it's the eavesdropping matador.

oh, thanks, urkel. - i'm harry potter. - really? - what up, urkel?

you lost your virginity to robin hood?

what friends? I have no friends. I hate everyone here but you.

i know in the last two months You've probably doubled the national average For amount of life lived per lifetime.

If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts To be alive, You're a hero To everything that's ever lived.

want to see my place? - i can see it from here. two girls are making out on the hood.

shmove shmon shmith shmy shmife

is that a bidet? - that part's for resale value. and saturday afternoons.

you're attracted to bums

i got a hot plate that plugs into a cigarette lighter. - yeah, but your kitchen's being towed.

you want the top bunk or the bottom bunk? - top. - me too.

and some day you will know it by its true name, 'diabetes.'

you're goldie hawn, jeff. - i'm sorry? - you're goldie hawn. - is it the lips?

can i not be kurt russell in this scenario?

you don't sit on a toilet like that until you've left the material world behind.

cool. - cool. - cool, cool, cool.

knight rider marathon. - shadowy flight into the world of a man who does not exist.

i made this notch to indicate optimal cleansing temperature for combination skin.

you're into me. - i beg your unbelievable pardon.

smelled what happens to pavel on cabbage night

you're a huge nerd. - thanks.

Would have been nice to have that option 27 minutes ago

Britta, I'm saying this because I care about you and you're my friend. You need to start smoking again

Ten-to-one says it's him

We had almost that exact conversation last week

I hang on every word

I'm barely listening now

I'll do it for the parking space. And if you promise not to tell me what you mean

Jeff's character acts like nothing around here affects him. But things bother him more than he lets on / Hey, I'm top of the class / He's also very vain

I hate this guy

Take Jean here. She spent a lot of time this morning making herself look so lovely. Tell me, Jean. How many people bothered to tell you how great you look today? None. Man is evil

But you just said how great I looked / For my own selfish purposes

I think we could have a little more fun if I express myself in song

I only got 8? / She got 8. You got 0. It's a debate, not American Idol

Never, because it's stupid, and I don't care. Bite me

Really? / No, who am I, iCarly?

Look, six months ago, I was a lawyer. I wore suits. I used to say stuff like, 'objection' and 'sidebar.' Now I'm losing a community college debate to Jeremy 'Soul Patch' Simmons

That's it. Dude, we are gonna debate the living crap out of you

I liked you better when you were smoking

[giggles] Ridiculous. / Us. Kissing. That is ridiculous. / Totally

Oh, you forgot your phone. / Well, I can get another one

Mine was just from a simple desert handyman named Jesus

Ketchup is a vegetable

God, did I just say cross-burner? / No, you did not

Just pat me

you know, if senor chang gets any crazier, He's gonna win one of those grammy awards.

I mean, that guy goes any more nuts, He's gonna win a grammy.

But when you find my body, don't believe the suicide note.

teaching us the word "esposa" means "liar."

yeah. you look like you would have to.

uh, are you offering or collecting?

You could do my homework next time. See you in class.

oh, gender saved

'you will get aids.' / flip it over. / 'unless you go to the std fair.' / i wrote that

congratu-- horrible!

she is super smart, if you know what i mean / unfortunately, i always know what you mean

she's an escort. / oh... / some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?

is there a pill that makes the word 'no' clearer?

for all your feather flashing, when was the last time you actually scored? / well, i don't know the precise date, pierce, because i'm not you, so there's no receipt

if i answer now, you'll never learn a valuable lesson about trust, jennifer. crap!

at least you have 'mommy' in here. / it's not my mom. / dude, not cool

can you ever really own a horse?

wow, me in a dune buggy. with syphilis. this is going on the fridge

that sounds like the worst combination plate ever

she thinks that monty python is the evil snake from harry potter

that is going to suck. / 'going to,' jeff?

she thinks that monty python is the evil snake from harry potter

i will take 'tinkles' over 'we need to talk' every time

yikers. / yeah, it's pretty much yikers for me too

keep it. / but-- / yeah! yes! yes! how you like those apples?

i think this place is sapping my life force

oh, i was waiting for that to become inappropriate or racist

so could i borrow 200 bucks? / tell doreen i say hi

you know, for 220 i can get the-- / i'll give you 250 if you don't finish telling me

Pierce, I'd like to commend you for letting that one go. 'p.C.-Ness.' now I get it.

You should probably stay away from christmas-tree-shaped cookies.

If you're trying to be menacing, maybe don't call the cookie by its name.

Who's there?

For the same reason that I floss, Have a bed frame, and keep my guitar in its case-- I'm over 23.

Because doing more than the minimum work Is my definition of... failing.

'true or falso or none of the above'? That doesn't make any sense.

It's usted, dude. Even I know that.

Maybe to some show tunes?

No, thank god. This is the moneymaker.

'sup? 'sup? - 'sup! - No, it's a question. 'sup? - 'sup? - Not a real question, a rhetorical one. You have the answer. He does not.

To me, religion is like paul rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone. But I would also never stand in line for it.

Well, you don't get to. You're not my mom. - You're right. But if you show up for the fight, Don't show up for my party.

That's 'mom' for mad.

Are you perpetually on your way to the gym?

I have to ask myself, What would shirley do? - Oh! - What would shirley do? - I think... - What would shirley do? - That she would shake your hand And wish you a merry christmas.

It's December 10th!

It's December 10th!

I got hit in the face, like, four times Before you punched me.

Actually, I was gonna say merry semester And happy new one.

I wish I was still a lawyer. I'm only here because I'm hot for britta, And I don't want to be anybody's friend.

Just kidding. Bring it in here, ya knuckleheads!

Did you just teleport here?

I've never seen you before in my life.

This is the first desk I've seen in six months that doesn't have 'zeppelin rules' carved into it.

Pizza wars--who's got the best slice in town? Start with big nick's. Bring us a large, with sausage.

Find out how much they'll sell you Of anything cold and imported.

Are you a reporter?

the news of senor chang's death Over winter break was a shock to us all. But we should take comfort in the fact That he did not suffer When his moped hit the side of that arby's.

Annie's pretty young. We try not to sexualize her.

[Buddy kicks Jeff in face, giving him nosebleed]

I get 'em when it's dry And when my face gets kicked.

Holy crap. Wow. It says here some guy in Seattle went nuts and killed his entire driver's ed class with a meat tenderizer.

Try getting that deal from hitler.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, Is why I voted to keep him.

Me too.

Can't I be the friend in the group Whose trademark is his well-defined boundaries, Like privacy smurf, discreet bear or... Confidentiality spice?

Sometimes I do wish you were dead. thank you.

But sometimes I feel like she's just waiting for me To stop talking and take off my pants. She is.

Wow, you do like statistics, don't you?

You rank people by how hot they are? You got it... Number two.

I think he might have ruined-- it's dead.

As soon as we touch, the blinds will open, And six annoying but loveable misfits Will be staring at us.

I don't think it's like that. No, it's just like that. I feel if you need to explain it, It's not just like that.

Have been taking a tap class. That's...Funny.

Well, you're not a typically vulnerable or feminine person, And the act of dancing is considered Both vulnerable and feminine.

What the--none of you left the room. How is that even possible?

pierce's twitter account, In which he says he's 47 And teaches a women's-only pilates class.

Might you ever consider Spending the night with a third person? That's not on there!

The best friend ever.

Would you describe yourself as boyfriend and girlfriend? - Yes. - Eh... What? - Oh, boy.

Look, the biggest truths aren't original. Truth is ketchup. It's jim belushi.

Its job isn't to blow our minds. It's to be within reach, So the truth is... I get claustrophobic when things get official.

Boy, that guy's really taking a pounding In this conversation.

Oh! Ooh! Plot twist.

I mean, if I can handle having a girl for a friend, Who's to say I'm not ready for a girlfriend?

Is that-- that's what people do, right? I was gonna throw them up on stage, But I thought they might catch fire.

There's a gold star on your fly.

[Gasps] You weren't kidding. You know, it's nice to have a girlfriend with a sense of humor and one who recognizes good work.

Pierce, you don't want to watch a cyborg movie in Abed's dorm. You want to lay on your twin bed and think about what you used to be.

Get to the cute part.

Look, this isn't about you, you groovy hipster. It's about Annie.

He's a gateway douche bag.

And that can be your toast at her shotgun wedding to Star-burns.

That guy over there, he's a douche bag.

Oh, my God. He's got her in some kind of hippie collar. I can hear her armpit hair growing from here.

Let's not confine ourselves to your wheelhouse. This problem won't respond to tap dancing or casual revelations that you spent time in New York.

Crash course in manipulation... you don't actually tell the person what you want them to do. You help them realize they want to do it so it can't be traced back to you.

To Annie's inevitable breakup with Grodie J. McConaughey.

You know that babies are extra cute when their parents are... Both cute?

Shut up, Leonard. Nobody even knows what you're talking about. I did eat all the macaroni. It's messed up that he knows.

What? Yeah, that kiss wasn't for pleasure. It was strategic and joyless.

All right, all right, maybe we're not a family. Maybe it's more complicated, because unlike a real family, there's nothing to stop any one of us from looking at any of the others as a sexual prospect.

His songs are dumber than he is.

What's the blonde's name, bitter, butter--beetlejuice? Oh, britta.

She says valentine's day ritualizes a connection Between affection and candy So girls can learn the ropes of prostitution.

Can I get you something? Water, smelling salts, An alibi for cobain's suicide?

Mm, that stings. I mean, not the words. The clouds of bourbon vapor forming them.

Having spent the year denying her attraction to me / Just to be alternative, britta called me. / At 3:00 a.M. Just to ask, / [imitates britta] 'what's up?'

Is that really a sitcom staple? - No, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm abed, I never watch tv.

I got so drunk that I got into a fight With animatronic ben franklin.

All right. I'll show britta my penis.

[slurred speech] I can totally do it. I'm fine. I can drive. I can totally drive right now. Give me my keys.

She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter Than a youtube comment section.

I can't feel things With you studying me like a beige praying mantis.

You were dancing like that girl In that movie... The kids in detention? - Breakfast club.

Molly ringworm.

I was trying to call britain to order you toffees.

First of all, chubby hubby? I mean, could you pick a scarier flavor?

Oh, did you pick a special outfit... So you can look sexy shooting pool?

What the hell is wrong with you? What? You say bagel wrong. I say it the same as you. Say it again. Baggel.

What 'padge' was that? Two 'five -ty' eight.

I may have been thrown off... By britta's pronunciation of the word 'bagel.'

How do you pronounce bagel? I don't. Come on. Baggel. Ugh! You're the worst.

You're gonna look like an ass in those. Shut up, leonard. I talked to your son on family day. I know all about your gambling.

Do you have something against playing pool... With a full range of motion and optimal comfort? I'm comfortable in my own clothes.

Vanity, thy name is... His name. It's the first day. I didn't catch it.

You should be like jo from facts of life. But, you know, the dude version. I knew it.

You should be like calvin. His best friend was a tiger. He always went on dope adventures. If anything stood in his way, he just peed on it. Calvin coolidge?

Because I don't look cool in shorts! Oh! 'cause I'm not cool in shorts! that was good. Just like him. That was really good.

When is he gonna stop doing that? Do you know that he called me a hipster! Hipster! I mean, do hipsters walk around... Wearing $300 jeans from Italy?

Well, I hate to say that I told you so. So I'll shout it through cupped hands. I told you so!

Because when you really know who you are... And what you like about yourself, Changing for other people isn't such a big deal. Abed... You're a god.

Stop projecting your obsession with clothes onto me... As an excuse for when I beat you in a game... Of real pool!

Stop projecting your obsession with clothes onto me... As an excuse for when I beat you in a game... Of real pool!

I choose shorts. I choose shorts! Shorts! you son of a bitch. You magnificent son of a bitch!

Oh, speaking of, I was going to invite my mom so you could meet her, but, uh, she still thinks I'm a lawyer.

What's wrong? Are you breaking up with me? Oh. [giggles] Maybe we don't need to talk.

Well, you're too gorgeous to be a teacher, and you're too happy to be a student.

No, actually, it's a very big world with five billion other women in it.

I'm back. Without booty. Now I feel sorry for you.

I'm back. Without booty. Now I feel sorry for you.

But judging from that bluetooth headset, his son is. Cha-ching!

Everyone here is my family. [Everyone boos] Weak.

You want me to wingman you with your ex-stepdaughter?

Disappointing you is like choking the little mermaid with a bike chain.

My...Girlfriend... Is pregnant. Pierce said you were gay. He-- yep, as the sunrise. And I'm deeply ashamed.

Smiling...Sideways vagina. No. Happy...Sideways vagina. No. Happy face. And that's a clam? 'As happy as a clam.' Yes! 'As happy as a clam'? What a-- Gay guess. Idiot.

You're gross! You did it with her? Yeah, but not twice. I wanted to do it twice.

You're gross! You did it with her? Yeah, but not twice. I wanted to do it twice.

Who did you call last week after you farted on Vaughn? [laughing] You. And who did Abed call after that squirrel stole his hot dog? Me. That's sharing your life. If you have friends, you have family.

You know, if the roles were reversed, I would've had sex with your ex-stepdaughter. I did.

I hate Glee. I'm not crazy about Glee either. [sobbing] I hate it. I don't understand the appeal at all.

This class is like a redhead that drinks scotch and loves die hard. I suggest you all get her number.

Hello, ladies. What are you guys making, Big balls here? Oh, yeah. You guys getting dirty?

Ladies, I don't know why you're laughing. I really do want to make my mom an ashtray.

Look what I made. Participant badge.

Jeff's competitive side had come out before. He had even displayed envy. But on that first day of pottery class, he discovered-- Abed. Yeah. What did we discuss? No voiceover. Sorry. It is kind of a crutch.

Someone call a shrink. What? Well, you're usually the cool one.

But my medical degree does. I'm a doctor. A doctor? I just take pottery to unwind. Haven't lost a patient in five years. Puts a lot of pressure on a person.

You know, a conman. A grifter. A ringer. He's an expert potter who signs up for novice classes to impress people.

I wanna kiss you on the mouth. I'm sorry?

Nobody gets out of santa fe without learning how to make a pot. 45% hispanic, Fifth highest native american population. They eat and breathe clay there.

Oh, jeff... You're goldbluming. I'm goldbluming? Heh, I, uh... I-I-I don't know what that means.

Fatal mistake, richy boy. You...Are...Busted. I am? You just used the throwing off the hump method. That's an advanced pottery technique, which I know, because last night, I read the entire encyclopedia of pottery.

Hey! No! What are you-- It's the hilarious guy-on-guy. One rule I asked you to follow. One.

You failed a class so easy that people pass it in the hallway Get a contact credit!

This is abuse! This is abuse! Stop it! That is a satanic sound!

Uh, they drowned me. Why? For a better grade.

Huh, reminds me of my favorite college comedy. - Oh, which one? - Exactly.

Abed, how fast can you run to the theater department? 37 seconds. Don't come back without something ridiculous. Go. Got it.

Oh, well, it sounds a lot less fun when you say it. Everything does. She's a buzz kill.

You're more of a fun vampire, Because you don't suck blood, you just suck.

Of course, the only one who doesn't like this is britta. Do you ever get tired of being a buzz kill?

The frog is chang. Oh, okay. I did get it. It's funny.

Jeff, I can read minds. No way. What color am I thinking of? Pink?

You single-handedly killed an entire school's buzz, Not to mention a frog.

Nice frame job, britta-dict arnold.

Colonial burn.

Who can confirm that? Your mama.

You're like the dark cloud that unites us. Or the anti-winger.

That's exactly what it's like, Abed, And you get the most important job. You're gonna be fry cook. We may be watching different mafia movies.

You want to be sheep, keep flocking. You want to be wolves, form a pack.

Pierce's hackneyed entourage. Hackneyed? You see the turban guy? Yes, in a '90s ski movie That featured an entourage.

Your ego. Well... I see. I see. This has been about me the whole time.

Oh, and for your information, I don't have an ego. My facebook photo is a landscape.

You want a shot at the Jeff winger throne? You better bring a powerful ass.

Say "streets ahead" and die.

Yeah, I got you fired. You deserved it. Maybe. Maybe not. The question is: What do they deserve?

Annie's boobs could be anywhere. Annie's boobs could be on the side of the road. We got it. The monkey's name is 'annie's boobs.'

You were right. Now what you can do is go home And write that on your bathroom mirror. Wouldn't that make it seem like I was right? Yeah, because it would be my mirror. It's not gonna be reversed because you're the one who--

Like knight rider. Exactly. Like knight rider. I'll put on a leather jacket And make out with an aerobics instructor. You pull around front and comedically Startle passersby with your ability to talk.

Can we eat them while sitting on a table Like in sixteen candles? Pick one reference, Abed.

I helped build a school in Kenya. I once met sting at a cracker barrel.

You are 105 years old! Tell me exactly what you did with your life to end up here So I don't make the same mistakes!

You said I have a crafty, Jew brain. Nobody knows how to take a compliment anymore.

Get ready to meet Jeff Winger, esquire, Attorney at 'ah, snap.' It'll be better than that.

Hey, clearasil, What time your mommy's picking you up? After she's done shooting The real housewives of Greendale county?

Mimicry is the lowest form-- Stop talking. Stop talking. Duh!

How do you pronounce bagel again? Bah-gel. She calls bagels bah-gels.

I think I might be where should I be.

'What are you looking at?' duh! 'What are you looking at? Duh!' duh! School his ass, mark. 'School his ass, mark.' duh! Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh! D-d-duh! Duh!

Well, if you're gonna be the fun police-- Okay, well, if I'm the fun police, Then you're director of Funland security.

Who are Sam and Diane? Okay, we get it. You're young! Sorry.

Well, I'm gonna let you guys figure this out While I go take a nap in my car.

Leonard, I'm not playing! Everyone's playing!

Really? And people fall for that? Yeah. I mean, I'm all for winning, But let's not resort to cheap ploys.

Are the girls in the game? You mean Britta? No, I don't mean Britta. Did I say Britta? Twice now.

I'm wearing a diaper for the game. Oh, yeah. 'for the game.'

What? Oh, no. Wait, wait. It's blood. I thought it was paint, but I'm just bleeding. Talk about luck, ooh.

The wounded soldier fantasy Means we're moments from doing it, right?

Yes. Too...Much... Sexual..Tension! Dam...Bursting! Blah blah! Aaah!

Yeah, we don't want this To turn into a letter to penthouse, right?

Please tell me you didn't have sex with me to win at paintball. No, I had sex with you, And now I'm gonna win at paintball.

Said the woman wearing the hello Kitty underwear. Said the woman holding the gun.

You sure that's a gun? 'cause maybe it's a metaphor for your fake, jaded persona.

It didn't happen. It's not that it was a mistake. It's just that it didn't happen.

Something's changed. Oh, Abed. Crazy Abed. No, something's different now.

For legal purposes, next semester, If anybody asks, you have gout. Do you mind walking with a limp?

Will anyone back me up if I say this is ridiculous or is it gonna be another avatar situation?

I know the family downstairs hates me. I don't need to understand why.

Monday through Friday, 6:00 am. 6:00...

I prefer the term 'better than real,' but yes.

Two questions. Where did you get it, could you have prevented being caught, and how? One question. Where did you learn to count questions and are you telling me you need a fake degree?

Did you say 'key-tar' or did you just pronounce guitar like a hillbilly? Key-tar. It's a keyboard you can play like a guitar. Get with the times, man.

I'm supposed to tip my bag boy?

If the Dean finds out that I'm not a real teacher, your grades are invalid, and you'll all have to repeat this class. That was the chair.

El crappo.

You're wearing protective goggles to destroy my car? Safety first!

At one point, I was teaching you Klingon! Yeah? Why don't you tell that to your really weird sounding magical chair? I have a condition!

Because you didn't get hot until after High School.

She's the ark of the covenant!

Picture her as Paul Giamatti!

Did the sisterhood of the traveling pants poison each other's food so they were too sick to leave? No! I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure they mailed each other pants!

You have to know how to do it. Discrimination lawsuit.

Troy, you know what the best part of my day is? For about 10 seconds from the time I sit down in Spanish to the time I look at your desk, 'cause I think 'maybe I'll look and he won't be there.'

And you don't have to dress like this to grow up. You--you look like a travel Agent.

You--you look like a travel Agent.

Hey, thanks... For making it easy. I was going to say the same to you... But you were gone before breakfast. I'm an early riser. I'll say.

And I hope you'll be seizing a more contemporary movie.

Stroke or tai chi? Tai chi. Keep it up.

Oh, shoot. I forgot saying that summons him.

Amazing. He's like an evil genie.

I have a counterproposal. How about I point out to you that we've never actually been friends, then laugh at your very well-deserved misfortune?

You were gonna move my hair? I don't know.

See? It's alarming, right?

Hey, you don't have to tell us who Ingmar Mackadingdong junior is.

But on behalf of the rest of the group, I hope it's a catastrophe.

Is there a word in Spanish for someone who used to pretend to be a professor, but was a teacher, but wasn't actually a teacher, and he's now a student? Oh, if it was in Spanish, you wouldn't know, would you?

And then we could all get together for some weird foursome.

How was your summer? Lived with you. Oh, yeah.

Two credits into a music major Chang?

Annie, all women deserve to be with me. And vice versa. Granted.

Britta... I love you. Now, I know this puts you in an awkwardly powerful position, but I have to know right now, in front of everyone... Do you love me too?

Men are monsters who crave young flesh. The end! At least we have the decency to be ashamed of it and keep it a secret instead of publicly blurting, 'I love you,' to everyone who sleeps with us!

You know, it's very 'season one.'

I...Respect you! That's why you fail!

Did someone throw urine in my face? Oh. Sometimes I surprise myself under pressure.

Ah...Tango? - Sundance. We worked with different partners. - Got it.

Wait. That's worse than the truth. I'm a student.

D.A. called us the litterbugs, we put so much trash back out on those streets.

Shirley, if killed a man, as a Christian, would you forgive me? - I would. - Then either that man's life is worth less than your time, or it's okay for me to be late.

I know they never covered this on yo, gabba gabba, but that's called circumstantial.

I used to run full-speed through the boundless wilderness, and now I'm in the zoo where the horizon is wallpaper and the air is stale and nothing is ever at stake.

In other words, we're not cool. - I never said that. You may have heard it. I may have thought it, and it may be true. But I never said it.

First, why are you here? Second, I don't care. Leave.

True. But we'd need a good doctor. - Ted, stop hittin' on my date. Ha ha ha ha ha! I'm kidding. We can share. I get the head! I love the brain in there! Arr, arr, arr, arr! I'll eat it.

Well, I only ever really liked one person. My mom. And she liked my dad. And after all the dust and custody was settled, the guy I really admired- not liked, admired... was the lawyer leaving the courthouse in the great-looking suit and a sky blue Mercedes SLK.

You guys are really on to something. I think you found the world's newest profession.

Shirley, don't sue a stripper. - Why not? - She's a stripper. Life sued her, and she lost.

No. I'm distracted, watching you mutate. Britta, you're not a whore. Shirley, Jesus turned the other cheek. He didn't garnish wages. Pierce, do I even need to say this? It is bad to hunt man for sport. Bad ass.

You're right. He is a bad friend. But he is a good lawyer.

Now, go win that pop-and-lock-a-thon. I'll see you Monday. - It's like watching a soul slip through our fingers. But what more can we do?

Thompson that adopted three at-risk teens and donated his kidney to a temp. - All an act. - Yeah. Why do you think he quit right after you left? - Well, his... his wife died. - Did she...Jeff? Did...She?

Hell, no. That guy's useful to me. Thanks to you, I've now got leverage over a spineless jag that just made partner.

The contest doesn't matter. What's important is we have each other. Then...Can I be in your study group? Well, that wasn't the deal. We lost, so...

The contest doesn't matter. What's important is we have each other. - Then...Can I be in your study group? - Well, that wasn't the deal. We lost, so...

Even a ferrari needs a tune-up.

Ha.

He hasn't cried yet, and from what I've been told, that's not normal. / Who's normal, Abed?

Eskimos, witch doctors, jewish people. / Oh, cool. We made the list.

Well, then you're not listening, because his has lasers.

You have something very infectious. / What? / - charm!

This is a... this is a temple of doom. And you know what? Like the real temple of doom, it represents the inconvenient fact that all good things... Be they people or movie franchises... Eventually collapse into sagging, sloppy, rotten piles of hard to follow nonsense.

There is no god! / Tell us how you really feel. Am I right?

But the fact is, jesus... the fact is, everyone's dying. And we all have these little notions that we're the exception, but we're as wrong as we are dead.

Which is at the foot of mount sky mall in the sharper image valley?

Well, I would say a cult might, for instance, sell you a tube of jell-o and tell you your mother is in it.

Well, I would say a cult might, for instance, sell you a tube of jell-o and tell you your mother is in it.

Do you know how many times I haven't eaten a donut? I do not. How much I got teased in grade school for dabbing my pizza with napkins?

Do you know how many times I haven't eaten a donut? / - I do not.

And now that I realize that that was my goal... / mm-hmm? / I can really roll up my sleeves and get it done.

All I've been trying to do is crush Pierce's faith to feel better about dying. And... and now that I realize that that was my goal... I can really roll up my sleeves and get it done.

Pierce, you're talking to an atari cartridge. Sit down!

Assuming we don't wind up in a compactor, when we get back, I'm going to step on you.

I hate to pull rank on you, but I need you to man your station now, Jeff. / I hate to pull reality on you, but you got your rank, Captain, by sitting in the chair with the largest knobs!

Our school may be a toilet, but it's our toilet. Nobody craps in it but us.

Our school may be a toilet, but it's our toilet. Nobody craps in it but us.

I told the Dean it was our design. And I told him it was a butt too. / Why, Jeffrey? / He kept not seeing it. I mean, it was driving me crazy. It says 'e pluribus anus.'

Well, if NASA ever needs someone to keep an arrow inside of a moving rectangle, I know who I'd recommend.

And some damn broccoli, please.

Would the dad walk away from this conversation? No? Ah!

I'm not your father! I never said you were!

Could you add Britta Perry as a contact? And would you give her a call a couple of times a week? She gets pretty worried about him.

It's military rations from an army surplus store.

I didn't read your poker face. You left the containers in the garbage.

When it's not playing an endless loop of Abba's greatest hits, it's playing what I think may be your personal voice memos.

Only half the effort you'll be putting into eating and drinking tonight.

Guys, Shirley's costume is once again unwittingly ambiguous. I don't know what she's supposed to be, but I do know she's not miss piggy. I repeat... she is not miss piggy.

Well, I am wearing a $6,000 suit, and you spent 3 days making cardboard robot armor.

I'm saying I remind girls less of taking their little brothers to comic-con.

Just been proven racist by the racist-prover.

'Classified Phoenix. If found, repeat key phrase... echo, tango, X-ray, nine, nine, seven.' Yeah. Sounds delicious.

'Doc Potterywood,' remember? 'Cause we were... / rich, bigger fish.

That jacket is worth more than the island you were grown on, Chiquita M.D.

Rich, this is a good time to let you know that I hate you.

That jacket is worth more than the island you were grown on, Chiquita M.D.

Why six hours? Are they hosting the Oscars?

And the winner for best adapted Oscar burn, Jeff Winger for 'oh, snap! The man who went there.'

Rich, just so you know, I hate you less now. That's how much I hate your normal self.

That's my jacket! My jacket... you're stretching it! You're stretching it!

You know why they call me bus driver, right? Because you been travelin' all day? Because I'm taking your butt to school.

Nice. Cool, I'm up. Nuh-uh. Game's to 15. - Since when? - Since you scored 11.

In my line of work, a multimillion dollar injury suit.

If we say nobody, are you doing to stab us with your bush scissors?

We better bounce.

I'm gonna slit your butt's throats.

They're like wearing a pair of dreams.

A place free from darkness. And some are just natural jumpers.

My white guilt is doing somersaults.

Let me buy you some ice cream. My white guilt is doing somersaults.

Three hours longer than it took Duncan to think up this assignment.

Or should I say a catch to date. Oof, hope you just come up with that.

Except you, Jeffrey. I know you've gotta catch to date. Oh, like you're famous for your wit.

Okay, whoever insidiously and with great malice aforethought abducted Annie's pen, confess, repent, and relinquish so we can leave.

Hey, meatball, did you take Annie's pen to make life more like Benny hill or whatever you do?

Well, Annie, it looks like you were wrong. Britta does come prepared for one thing. Or six.

The Patriot Act cuts both ways. Actually, it's pretty one-sided. That's kind of the point.

Pierce, you have something to tell us? Yes. Is it me, or has it become really obvious that Jeff took the pen

Well, tell your disappointment to suck it. I'm doing a bottle episode!

Well, well, well, Harvey Keitel. Well, what do you know, Henry David Thoreau. My oh my, Mike Tyson

Nice try, Stephen Fry.

You precocious little bitch!

Don't you usually wear the stripey turquoise beetlejuice numbers? What does she mean 'usually'?

What's more likely? That someone in this group doesn't belong in this group? Or ghosts?

Something you and your puppies could only dream of you non-miraculous son of a bitch.

I think it means professor. / I think it means poppycock.

This is a test. He's teaching me about real conspiracies by erasing his existence!

That is gonna be the worst book I'll ever read cover to cover.

My latest theory? Maybe I'm a god. I've denied the signs for too long.

I'm assuming it's the worst thing you could ever hope to be in...only at night.

You are gonna Nancy screw me out of my credit.

This is greendale, Annie. If there's a conspiracy, it goes all the way to slightly below the middle.

Looks like someone sent us a message...a tiny, thoroughly underwhelming message.

history of something / It literally says history of something.

Principles of intermediate? Studyology? Class 101? Look, this one just says learning with an exclamation point.

Math. / Math? / Uh-huh. / Do you mind if we sit in? / Not at all. Right this way.

He went into that blanket Fort! / I think he went this way! / Do you see him? / Oh, sorry. / Sorry.

Did you just mispronounce et cetera?

We just did a modern retelling of macbeth set in gangland chicago. / Oh. Fresh take. And you think I'm lazy.

Jeff Winger never learns.

How to be a crappy friend.

People aren't playthings, Annie. / [quietly] No, they are not.

If you conspire with every person that approaches you, you're not even really conspiring with anyone. You're just doing random crap.

She took to deception like abed took to cougar town. / It's really good.

Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus

Pierce, you don't remember the huge party we threw?

I broke my legs, not my gender.

Think of it as Troy taking his first bath, only the bubbles are his manhood.

They serve virgin mudslides. Those are milk shakes.

We're not going to Red Poet's Society.

I don't need people helping me do normal things and doting over me.

It's either got a gross name or an ironically fancy one, possibly both.

And now I guess I am being clever.

Don't your people spend this season writing angry letters to TV guide?

I vote we let it go.

Abed, does the word clearly mean the same thing to you as it does to normal people?

Oh, this feels safe.

Don't relax Pierce any lower.

Annie, it's because you're fragile and tightly wound.

Somewhere out there, Tim Burton just got a boner.

He is good.

What's your article gonna be called? 'Worst shrink ever'?

It's the crazy notion that the longest, coldest, darkest nights can be the warmest and brightest.

The delusion you're trying to cure is called Christmas, Duncan.

It's the crazy notion that the longest, coldest, darkest nights can be the warmest and brightest.

Is it the guy that looks like Anderson Cooper but with a soul patch and the ponytail? / No. / Is it black Michael Chiklis? / No. / The white George Foreman? / You guys are talking about the same person.

That was before he started using his name as a pun. It makes me so changry.

Oh, God, it's happening to me.

I hope he didn't drive his car into another marathon.

So help yourselves to tropical skittles, cigarettes, or mouthwash.

I spell kettle corn with a Q-U. / Well, don't.

We didn't know how to reach you. / That's not a true. That's a lie. / It's a mixer. We didn't know how to reach you. / It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer.

You can't talk and then do a slow clap. / You don't know that.

It's not even clever. You keep using it as the word change.

Oh, I'm serious, baby. I am yahoo serious. I'm serious F.M. Welcome to the world serious of seriousness, sponsored by honey nut serios.

No, Annie, in fact, you're gonna wish I was stalling... Oh, I just got it. Thank you.

I want to say some names to you. Jeffrey Dahmer. Ted Bundy. Rich.

When he eats, he holds his fork like a murderer's knife, gnawing at its skewered payload like a deranged woodland rodent.

When he eats, he holds his fork like a murderer's knife, gnawing at its skewered payload like a deranged woodland rodent.

This number eight scoop of vanilla tapioca with a Ph.D in being swell and a master's in 'everybody loves me'?

Nobody is this good a person. And nobody can get any worse than this.

Mezzanine?

You ever have something that you didn't truly appreciate until you didn't have it anymore? / Oh, yeah. Keristina. / Old girlfriend? / Almond facial scrub. They only make it in Finland.

You are the strangest, coolest, most genuine person I've ever met, and the thing that scares me about you is how good you make me wish I was.

Help me, Rich. Help me become like you. I mean, I am so amazing. But I'm not perfect. You are. Give me that power. So I can abuse it.

I mean, I am so amazing. But I'm not perfect. You are. Give me that power. So I can abuse it.

You can't just fake being good in order to get away with doing bad things. / Oh, I completely understand. And do you understand that I still have to try?

And if you don't help me, you're a bad person.

Rich, you know they're doing a fake morning show? There are no cameras. / I know. It's just a fun way to start the day.

You don't count, Britta. You don't respond to anything appropriately. Thank you!

That's like saying you don't work by electric light. If you want to have an active sex life, part of it is texting.

There's not much to the cat costume, but can't wait to show you what's underneath.

How could you think that was a good idea? I got a better question. How could it not be a great idea?

You know that text we sent? It was to Britta's nephew. He sent her an emoti-penis.

Fine. Screw you, Abed. I can fix this.

I know I'm green, but I feel blue.

♪ yi yi yi yi yi Bzzz! Getting rid of Drugs is a great I-bee-a.

Did someone say crazy person? No. Well, I heard it.

More disgusting than what you texted to an underage boy? Yeah, well, I didn't know you were you. And I didn't know you weren't my aunt.

Okay, all right, let's just call this a draw. Okay, I'd be happy to, for a price.

Look, dude, she started it, okay? She's just as into me. More disgusting than what you texted to an underage boy? And I didn't know you weren't my aunt.

Shouldn't there be a board or some pieces or something to Jenga?

You're the AT&T of people

What am I not good at? Sex.

Dial it back, Lavernica

I wait 14 turns

If that's sarcasm, I can't tell, because everything in this game is silly

My stable has a bedding of heather. Perhaps you'd be more comfortable indoors. Abed, try to look at what you're doing and understand that I don't want to.

Look, before you respond, I can make it up to you. I'll find a fatter Neil

So call him Skinny Neil. He's actually not that skinny. He's bald! He's black!

Well, I don't look at the world through that lens

That was the best game I ever played in my life. Don't mention it. Want to play again next week? Maybe

Well, I don't believe in dibs or love at first sight or love or best friends or doing things.

You're gonna have to open your heart one day, Jeff. What happens if I don't? I miss the heart opening deadline?

Valentine's Crapentine's. Opening my heart is on my list.

Well, he also listens to the Barenaked Ladies. Go get their dumb asses to help you.

But Pierce is our friend, and the Barenaked Ladies are triple platinum... Are you? Why does everyone leap to defend that band so aggressively?

And maybe BNL has two Billboard awards to your zero. Oh, okay. They're... they're BNL now. We use shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies. That's how fundamental they are.

I am a stylish American, professor. I've been forcing myself to be into soccer since 2004.

Pretty exciting first half. Yeah, 0-0. Electrifying.

That's better, you big slut.

Cellie... Ah. Go use the landline. Landline? Okay, grandma Bell.

Oh, nice call, ref! Bite my banger!

Leonard? Where are the white women at? No. There are no white women here, Leonard. This is not a party!

It's weird, but I've never heard of Magnitude before tonight. He's a one-man party! Oh, yeah! Pop, pop!

Are you wearing my underwear? Oh. I just needed a pair while I did some laundry here. I don't have a washing machine.

Star-burns, Leonard, Magnitude. Pop, pop swizzle, scandalous, C Dubb, Tim. Mighty D. Glisten.

What is it about me that makes broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the Statue of Liberty?

Let's turn on my phone and listen to the 39 messages they left tonight. You have no new messages.

Caring about a person can be scary. Caring about six people can be a horrifying embarrassing nightmare. At least for me.

Or what? You'll do twice as much work as a doctor for half the pay? Thank you? It's called a complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explanabrag.

For starters, I thought you'd be the one in bed and I'd be a hologram. What? Ah, never mind. There's no time for that now.

Did you get along with your father? I got along without him.

Pierce got Levar Burton to come here for Troy? Is there anyone he can't produce? Now I'm really getting mad. Why am I the only one he decided to torture?

And don't you dare intercut this with footage of me freaking out.

Hey, James Bond, stop trying to record us with that stupid spy pen. We can see the blinking light.

If you try to pull any Ferris Bueller, Parent Trap, Three's Company, F/X, The Deadly Art of Illusion Bull, I will beat you... And there will be nothing madcap or wacky about it.

Jeff and I became... Kind of like father and son today. No, we did not.

Mm, folksy, yet progressive. He does walk that line.

Oh, Abed, will your reality ever come out on Blu-Ray so we can enjoy it?

Well, you can not dress up like Uncle Sam. Or admit you don't have a sister.

Improving Greendale takes more than ideas, Annie. It takes time, gasoline, matches.

Wow. You got me pegged.

I wonder if that's the same sister that tweets me to ask if I think her brother's cute.

I'm more of a silverback gorilla with the claws a lion, the teeth of a shark, and the quiet dignity of a tortoise.

Face it, Annie. Politics are all about ego, popularity, and parlor tricks.

I believe that humankind need not be governed. I don't care.

I think 9/11 was bad. And freedom, well, I think that's just a little bit better.

Bring it on, Ponce de Leon. I'm gonna, Greg Muldunna. It's a real guy. He owns a mattress store downtown. You can look it up.

They want me to do what I'll say.

Mine's a three-way tie. Red, white, and blue.

I hate you! I hate this school! And I hope you all get black mold poisoning!

History's greatest chump. We're talking about Joe Kennedy, right?

Oh, a cigar cutter, 'Max' magazine, and hot sauce. / It's a theme gift. / Yeah, I believe the theme is 'stuff lying around my apartment.'

Why is everyone in this school obsessed with race? / White-people problems.

Let's see, uh, pieces of paper, stapled together, lot of writing. I'm afraid this is as far as I can go.

I don't see Chang as being a real hands-on baby daddy.

So you're saying if I get a job and my own apartment, Shirley might let me be part of my baby's life? / Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying.

Where do you keep getting these?

Could be pretty cute. Are they baby lions?

What? Why? To prove I'm a responsible dad. This proves you're a kidnapper.

They're nipple guards for running. Olympic athletes use them. / Buddy, I worked at a maximum-security prison for seven years, and those are still the gayest thing I've ever seen.

Did you know you can make an ashtray using only a cigarette and a snitch's forehead?

Did you know you can make an ashtray using only a cigarette and a snitch's forehead?

Abed ordering a spritzer and Jeff's narration about him not being weird

Get it? Like Pulp Fiction. It's a wallet that says 'Bad mother...'

I'm really tilting the bean can here.

You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other's mouths. Blehh! 'Which way's the picnic?' Blehh! 'That way.'

What if you're a good-looking guy who calls a phone-sex line and tells them he weighs 400 pounds, just so he can hear a woman say she's attracted to him anyway? / Wrong. That's me. I did that last week.

What if you're a good-looking guy who calls a phone-sex line and tells them he weighs 400 pounds, just so he can hear a woman say she's attracted to him anyway?

And by the third house... I stopped correcting them... And, honestly, once the shame and the fear wore off... I was just glad they thought I was pretty.

Oh, I'm sorry. So you're ending early? Because in my dinner with Andre, the waiter brings... / Check, check, check. Bye.

$800, and she stays fired. / Deal.

What market are you shopping at?

Hmm. Foosball was full?

Hmm. How do you say 'ha ha' in Italian?

When I wasn't shielding the wealthy from justice, I was drinking their finest wines.

When you get up close, she's very homely.

No. No, they haven't.

Don't preach to me about romance, Annie. I had a three-way in a hot air balloon.

Mm, trust me, that's not what they call you.

Don't sell yourself short. You're a baboon everywhere.

Oh, come on. My forehead is not this big.

Nice try, Britta, but the truth is it's been a dark year.

And, apparently, Chang is in the group now? It's true. God hates us.

Uh, a-a-a leprechaun took our clothes. And you can never tell anyone, okay?

Troy, we never said ourselves.

It was a particularly small egg. That's why I was asking.

Oh, dean. Dean.

Stop saying 'suh-mores' unless you 'can not.'

He's not being meta. He's just pointing out what none of us want to acknowledge-- It's all of us. This group is toxic.

We fight about fighting about fighting.

And they all have one thing in common. They're all different.

These drug runners aren't gonna execute Pierce because he's racist. It's a locomotive that runs on us. And the only sharks in that water are the emotional ghosts that I like to call fear.

Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmissions!

Like the Traveling Wilburys. Yes, Troy, like the Traveling Wilburys of pain

Wait. I care now! Now I care!

It's embarrassing to admit, but sometimes I felt jealous of his interesting outfits.

I'll never tell!

A toast to the easiest school, the dumbest dean... And the ultimate blow off class. Anthropology. Who knew?

Oh, and you're gonna squat in a babbling brook and a beautiful star child is going to slide out on a ray of sunshine while your cats each half watch because you're so natural.

Holy crap. You two for real? / Nobody cares about your stupid handshake. A baby is coming out of Shirley's vagina two feet from us.

I delivered a baby earlier this year in the back of an SUV. / Where was I when that happened? / I don't know. Off in the background.

Look, Britta, there is something in you that wants to take care of people so bad that you'll do it until you puke. That's what Shirley needs right now.

Are you saying I'll be a good mom? / What? No. Man, you will really force anything, won't you?

Can you believe that's how we come into this world? Screaming, crying, covered in crap? And then somewhere along the lines, we get it into our heads that we're destined for greatness.

Well, I hear he has more paint than a French kindergarten.

He's a jerk because we exclude him. We exclude him because he's a jerk.

By the power invested in us as deputies, we now pronounce you arrested. Deputies? What are you, Deputies of the Stairwell?

I got a better look at him. He's not that good-looking. - Didn't he shoot you? - He tried. He's a bad shot, too? Man, what does this guy have going for him?

Man, what does this guy have going for him?

Okay, Black Rider. Now let's see who's attractive.

Last week he did it to get out of letting me have a stick of gum.

Once I'm gone, I'm gone. Then I guess I'll see you in hell.

Once I'm gone, I'm gone. Then I guess I'll see you in hell. That's just the tip of the iceberg.

Their balls? - No. - Just below their balls? - Their wallet, Leonard. - I think it's called a taint.

Damn it, Shirley. Forget your newborn child and think about the people that need you.

I don't step up to being leader, Troy. I reluctantly accept it when it's thrust upon me.

'For Greendale' on three. One, two... Jeff, every second counts. 'For Greendale' on two. One... Guys. For Greendale!

Paint in sprinklers? Are we the little rascals? - I was.

Squad 'B' commencing operation 'Actual Operation.'

Some of us won't make it. But there is a place where we will all see each other again, and that place is Denny's. Which Denny's? We'll figure it out later, Leonard. The one near the 15 exit? I'm banned from there. Well, then I guess I'll see you in hell.

Then let's kick some taint.

Hey, Quendra with a Q-U, they can kill most of us, but as long as nobody gives up, somebody will make it through. Understand?

Well, I'm out. We lost. See you at Denny's? Denny's is for winners.

Your mother's lover. What? What? I win!

Come on, Pierce. We all know this is no 'day planner.'

Actually, we kind of did that. Haven't you been to the library? - I'm working my way there.

Jeff: 'Yeah, we have parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest, elderly, crazy friend'

Jeff: 'You know what's magic about this table? It magically keeps our books from falling on the floor.'

We'll see you when we see you.

Star-Burns: 'Yeah! The human being underneath it all, but no one's really interested in that, are they?' Jeff: 'No.'

Jeff: 'Excluding Pierce is what drove him crazy last year.' Britta: 'Wrong, being crazy drove him excluded.'

Jeff's phone vibrating loudly during professor's emotional story

Vibrates louder than the ringer.

Jeff: 'Sean Penn called. He says to dial it back.'

Leonard: 'All hail, sir eats alone.' Jeff: 'Shut up, Leonard. I heard about your prescription socks.'

Jeff: 'You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.'

Jeff destroying the table with an axe

Britta: 'Why don't you go start a ruiners' club? Oh wait, you'd probably just ruin it.' Jeff: 'Well then, I'd be doing a good job because it's a ruiners' club.' Britta: 'You ruined my analogy.'

Jeff mistaking Professor Kane for Pierce's rap artist friend Sugar Cube

Jeff with the axe: 'I'm going to kill the one thing you love! I'm gonna kill it! As long as it breathes, it controls our lives!'

I'm going to kill the one thing you love! I'm gonna kill it! As long as it breathes, it controls our lives!

I'm gonna study Psychology. Like in a research capacity? No, in a hands-on capacity. I'm gonna be a therapist.

Troy: 'Oh, interesting. So this is the year we all die.' Jeff: 'Yes, it is.'

How progressive of you to have a multicultural evil twin. An Asian Annie. Obama's America.

You mean the younger you that took so much Adderall she tried to straighten the lines on our high school football field during a game?

Don't worry. She'll be bad at it.

And meet Kofi Annan, Boutros Boutros Ghali, and Will.I.Am. Boutros Boutros Ghali?

Cligoris? Either pronunciation is fine?

and the diabolical little b--usybody stabbed her in the back.

We're friends. Yeah. Good friends. Grown-up friends. Yeah. So. We're friendly.

So whoever actually died a few months ago, 'fess up so we can put a stake through your heart.

You're acting like a little schoolgirl and not in a hot way.

There's nothing to be Zambia about, Annie.

when you feel the way I feel about you, the easy loophole through the creepiness and danger is to treat them like a child. 'A chip off the old block, you're the best, kiddo.'

Can't keep doing this forever, kiddo. Can't we? Nope. I can't, no. Nope, that's gross. That feels gross.

would it help if I said I farted? Annie, no. I can't let you fall on that sword because... I farted. No, I farted. I farted.

You can't just mumble nonsense. No one's cutting away. Okay, fine, here's my actual plan.

That's because nobody's gonna pay to drink water. Actually it's a two drink-minimum. It'll be reflected in your tuition.

It's not you, it's me. I'm just trying to protect us both from more pain down the road. I may have a developmental disorder.

This... Random. This, uh... Non-grouper.

You and Todd were four and five. I was four? Todd was four. I was five?

Fine, why don't I just go work with Todd? Hey, that's cool, whatever gets this project done. Oh, wow, what a great guy. I can see why all of you like him so much more than me.

You're just a good grade in a tight sweater. You're just a bad grade in a tight sweater.

And who the hell are you always texting? Everyone you know is here.

Don't get your number four stink on this, Todd.

Indiana Jones and the apartment of perpetual virginity.

Didn't you used to live in a mansion with me? Yeah, but this is more my speed and century.

There's no such thing as single malt platinum boobs and billiards club?

I guess I never said it out loud.

Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines. Of course I am, Abed.

You don't have to treat me like a kid anymore, remember? Yeah, but adults still need to be protected. I-I can't help but worry about you, Annie. You're important to me.

Oh, my God. They taste just like regular-size pies.

Crap, I was not supposed to say that out loud! Crap, okay, cards on the table, I'm really high right now.

Drug addict? You're a pie pusher! You push pies to get love.

It's called friendship, look it up. Encarta it.

Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair. And I lost an arm.

I hate you! Shut up with your Sci-Fi crap! I lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards! Goatees.

What? I'm one of the Fast and Furious guys. Which one? Oh, I don't know. I don't watch that shallow crap. I just pick a costume girls will like.

Jeff, can I have a quick conversation with you? Doubtful, but I support the dream.

Listen, if you dropped them in another puddle--

Also, I had the lights rigged to flicker because it's Halloween! It's been happening for a week. Halloween week! So the lights will work on November 1st? All Saint's day... Month!

Like a dorito? A sociopathic dorito. A cool ranch lunatic.

You probably just Britta'd the test results somehow.

Wait. Are people using my name to mean 'make a small mistake'? Yes.

Embarrassed. That's an odd reaction. Seems fair.

That's enough. Stop pinning ribbons to her.

That wasn't even a ghost story. It was like an episode of some show we're all too young to have heard of.

Shirley, that wasn't a horror story. That was a sermon. You ruined a Britta party. That's like letting poop spoil.

Where was Jeff in that story? And why was my name Jango?

Fear. I kill because I'm afraid. Somebody, please, give me a hug. Aww! Get in here. Love hugs. Love hugs. Let it out. It's okay?

No, no. I'm no sociopath. I always know what I'm doing is wrong. I'm just a guy that doesn't like taking tests, doing work, or getting yelled at.

It doesn't matter. I filled mine out randomly. Oh, come on. What? You idiot! That was probably the test that returned the psychotic result!

Well, what kind of sociopath doesn't offer that information, like, an hour ago? No, no. I'm no sociopath. I always know what I'm doing is wrong. I'm just a guy that doesn't like taking tests, doing work, or getting yelled at. So if you think about it, that makes me the sanest person here.

You ran these through the machine upside-down. She Britta'd it.

We should never make the Britta of Britta-ing each other's feelings. You're using it wrong. Wow. You Britta'd 'Britta'd.' Yeah, way to pull an Abed. I don't get it.

I'm going to sue the pants off that lady. - I don't think that's a lady. - And why do you want his pants off?

If Mexicans were buying his wipes, he would have ridden in on a donkey.

What's that complex called where you're wrong about everything?

Oh, I always assumed your father was dead. Just mathematically.

No, that's how he talked to your mom.

Listen up, colonel crypt-keeper.

So what?

I'm pretending to be violently ill to avoid lifting a few boxes. Because I'm 13.

No, I'm at The Gap. You hear that? That's not a heart monitor. It's a machine telling me I'm low on khakis.

What are you doing after this? Probably trying a couple of boot-cuts. But after that... Maybe, like, a blazer?

I liked horsebot 3000.

You know I love to be seen agreeing with you, Troy

Best buds. Air buds, even

Welcome to Dean-Dale community colle-dean. I'm a silly goose. Honk, honk. Dean-a-Lee-doo

Just because, just dean it! Dean machine. Got dean, got much, much got--

Shut up, Leonard, you smell like mentholyptus

Pierce mistook me for the dean today. I've become a stranger to myself. I'm bald now. I've always been bald. I merely dreamt of having hair

I have made bald friends

The question is, who am I doing this weekend? - He's asking because he's already forgotten. It's nobody.

Wait. You won't spend money on a name-brand phone, but you got lasik for your geriatric cat?

Foosball's like the soccer of ping-pong.

Gentlemen, my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos. My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos, invented this game for one purpose--to have the loudest, dumbest thing happen.

Tempting, but then wouldn't I be playing foosball? And, if so, how would I not be a loud, weird knob?

I'm not even touching the foosenschaften. Sorry, luftballons. I'm above it.

I wish there was a word to describe the pleasure I feel at viewing misfortune.

'Tis the face of a broken man.

They, uh, -- they come in a six-pack.

It was a great after-school game for a lonely kid with no dad--you know, just masculine enough without having to know how to throw or catch.

It's not a fresh-baked-pie thing.

Ho...Ly...Crap.

After three years of religious advice and carb-laden pastries, you finally have one thing I actually need, and--

Shut up, Leonard. I found your YouTube page. What's the point in reviewing frozen pizza?

Remember making fun of Britta's boyfriend's tiny nipples? - Oh, yeah, they were tiny.

That was so disturbing, I almost proposed on the spot.

You called me Turkey. I love it.

Oh, you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.

Were you guys walking around with a soccer ball just so you could do that?

That's, like, a $25 dollar bit, and it's not even that good.

You were Big Cheddar? - Who told you that-- - You're tinkle-town?

And I had a lot of Mountain Dew that day!

What a waste. I wish I could take a picture of you right now and send it to my ten-year-old self.

Hey, freudenkatzen. Ready for your schpankin'?

We've played enough for one lifetime. We're gonna go see a movie.

I think what we've learned, Abed, is that attempts to make the holidays brighter tend to give them a certain darkness.

T-minus five seconds till hip-hop remix. Four, three. Come on! Re-re-re-remix!

Okay, if anyone asks, we were never here.

This guy's like human froyo.

Annie, you too? This is beneath you. You are an intelligent woman. Also, you're Jewish!

Look, eventually, you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness.

Uh, I thought this was regionals.

Guys, I am swelling with pride! You stepped up, and you saved the Christmas pageant! Whoo!

Guys, I am swelling with pride!

Hey! You do not get to call Britta 'the worst.' Yeah! Let her finish!

Hot 'n' brown's coffee really wakes me up to the fact that its coffee sucks.

Why do you look like a wealthy murderer?

Wireless racism. The future of the past is now.

No, she's just pro-anti.

Somebody tell Britta what an analogy is. I know what it is. It's like a thought with another thought's hat on.

It was invented back when 'till death' meant 'till your first cold.'

I mean, just nut up and die alone.

That's the noise people make when they're offended in all the movies that Annie rents.

Keeping turtlenecks as an option for myself, down the road.

That took me eight hours and six macallan neatses.

Shut up, Leonard! Those teenage girls you play ping-pong with are doing it ironically.

My daddy said he would stay with my mommy forever, and he left! Marriage is a lie!

The worst.

It appears you've all noticed that my swagger has a new swagger.

I explained that really well.

I'm an exceptional narcissist, Britta.

Oh, that thing about Danny Thomas? I looked it up too. Weird.

Britta, how did an apple make that clear? Imagine it expanding? Use a balloon.

Thank you, Leonard, for that compliment, and for your service to this country.

Final boarding call, beefcake airways.

Aw, zip it, white Jacko.

If you have anything else to say, say it in a high-pitched voice while walking backwards.

Thank you. It couldn't have been easy for you to lie like that.

There's awards?

Nah. Oh, give me a break. It's his Bar Mitzvah. / There's an award for most handsome young man!

Nooo!

Look at me! Look at meee!

Maybe that should be me. / You are way out of my league, diagnostically speaking. I'm gonna go with someone a little less complicated. Like Abed.

Another pillow fort? Kind of repeating yourselves, aren't you? That was a blanket fort. This will be a pillow fort. Way more difficult, way better.

Wait, since when do we have lockers? Uh, since registration day, 2009. Jeff, did you skip the Preorientation Freshman Welcome Seminar and Diversity Fire Circle?

Halloween dance. Post-Halloween dance. Dance contest. Contest dance.

Save Garrett? What's wrong with Garrett? Nothing now. We saved him.

Wait, that's 'saved' Garrett? [shocked reaction to seeing Garrett]

Gesundheit. I didn't sneeze.

Kim's no longer with us. She died two weeks ago. What? Sorry to drop that on you and run, but there's a rally for Garrett. But we saved him. Did we?

'But we saved him.' 'Did we?'

I thought I was teaching you a lesson about all the girls you dominate and then ignore. Not to waste your energy on some weird, cloying, hypersensitive stalker with a girl's name. Hey! You are really mean. Put it in a letter, Jane Austen.

If there's one thing I've learned at this place, it's that a film crew means disaster.

I'm giving you two imaginary Friendship Hats that automatically make you friends again. Are we done?

You're children acting like grown-ups. I mean, it's fine. But just don't pretend it's anything but that.

Winger's critics suggest he merely improvised hot-button patriotic dogma in a Ferris Bueller-ian attempt to delay schoolwork. Winger decries the accusation as, 'A slanderous betrayal akin to 9/11.'

Later after the war, he would refer to the theory as 'essentially accurate.'

'Birthday cake, birthday cake, unicorn, woman's shoe. How's the nurse thing going?' No response.

Well, that's what conversation is, Annie. People saying things to get stuff.

If I write stuff down in a Hello Kitty book, will you like me again?

Uh, I wanted that to go different.

But that's not the way you have to be.

You left the magical Friendship Hats at the Dean's office. Right. Of course. I'll go get them.

I fixed them up even though I was the only one watching because I settled on a truth today that's always going to be true. I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels, which finally makes me understand war.

which finally makes me understand war.

We tried to get Tom Hanks, but he's too expensive. So we used the people involved for their own voiceover. Yeah, and I nailed that too.

His name is Blade. Is that legal? Shouldn't new line cinema be suing him?

And it was a marvel comic in 1973. Well, nerd alert. Well, ex-boyfriend named Blade alert.

Her love life makes Pierce seem with it. Her pain unifies us. She has the king Arthur of bad taste in men.

So what, Britta? You're in love with a guy who's named after a kickboxing vampire movie? A fantastic kickboxing vampire movie.

All that wasted time going to my car for mid-afternoon wardrobe adjustments.

You're gonna change your shirt? Not if it's working. It's not working. Yeah. You're right. I knew it.

You tell anyone we did this, I will stop letting you do things with me I'm afraid to tell anyone about.

I decided to go outside the group for a best friend. And you couldn't do better than Chang?

He's not as good-looking as you. I wasn't fishing for that. No, no, no. I offered it freely.

Obviously the deal is he's a dirtball, Britta hates herself, voila.

Won't change how mustard tastes. I get it. I see the appeal. He's relaxed, he's cool. N-not as cool as you.

Your parents named you Blade? Apparently. Well, you seem okay with it. Not much to do about it. You could change it. To what? Templeton Ferrari III? Won't change how mustard tastes.

Won't change how mustard tastes. I get it. I see the appeal. He's relaxed, he's cool. N-not as cool as you.

Why do we wanna know how to blow up the earth or grow a human ear on a mouse? In case we have to, Shirley. In case we have to.

You dropped over 300 bucks on my booth, so I'll tell ya. You wanna know my secret? Yes. Yes, I do.

He's brain damaged. Well, let's not be petty. No, I'm serious. He showed me the scar.

A loose bolt flew off a Ferris wheel and imbedded in his skull, destroying the part of his brain that feels shame.

We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves.

"Why wouldn't you use 'Karen'?" "'Cause it's gay sex, dummy."

"Ah, the duali-Dean of man."

Hey, she's the one putting her hands in my mouth

He's right. You're not cops. I'd say our hands are tied, but we basically have no hands

Kiss me! What? I'll explain later. No. I'll explain later. The explanation isn't the issue

A man's got to have a code. I can only assume there is a female equivalent to that. A 'codette' or something

Star-Burns got rear-ended and the meth lab in his trunk exploded. He's dead

Star-Burns died how he lived... in a meth lab explosion

I say we honor Star-Burns by discussing him the same amount we did when he was alive.

Ow! Okay, grief counseling is growing on me.

Name any other stage. What are you, my final?

Whoo! Closure!

This fallujah of higher learning... is a prison from which none of us will ever escape.

was a hero to us the whole time because he did the one thing that none of us ever tried to do. He got out. And then he exploded.

forces their desiccated husks to attend summer school.

It's not like I'm crying because I was chased by the gang of scary 12-year-olds.

we trashed the school like a TV commercial where the teacher banned skittles.

And a lizard... Your Majesty.

He was living in the school's air vent system with a monkey!

I'm also the worst. Not gonna argue, but I am gonna forgive you.

Pack of lifesavers. Sorry. Dead battery.

Abed, it's 4:30 in the morning, and you're in my bedroom. / Use that. Okay. And action.

Will someone please help me lighten the mood?

We had lockers. / We're survivors.

Mi hambre es bombero tirantes.

Annie, stop 'Awing' everything.

Well, better than doing nothing!

And there wouldn't be a lot of sport in beating you. Look at yourself.

Hey, look, Buddy, I know it must have sucked being Colonel Sanders' manservant and all

And most importantly, while he's fighting for greed, we're fighting for friendship, which means we can't lose, okay?

I'll check it out. I owe Jeff that. I wasn't gonna say it. - Lesbian.

This place is 20 cat turds and a pixies poster from being your apartment.

Offensive. Called it. Shut up, Britta.

We've died and been reborn, and that makes us heroes.

Getting caught the first time was part of the plan. This time is because we suck.

Never listen to Pierce.

What's the worst that could happen? Classic tee-up.

Shut up, Leonard, I know about your crooked wang.

This can't be good.

Hard to break the word 'yes' into lilting syllables, huh? Ye-es?

My biology final is at 5:00. / I'm available from 3:00 to 4:00. / I'll see you in court.

A-ha! Crazy? Paranoid? Impotent? / Cellular... / I knew you'd run to Jeff, and turn him against me. / Mitosis.

Hawthorne's a cash cow, and old a-con here is tugging at that teat. That's money. Money. Please stop that.

Hey, just go easy on Shirley. / Scout's honor, Sinead O'Connor.

I thought you said you were gonna go easy. / Felt easy to me.

Does anybody know any funny jokes? I do. An Irish and a Jew walk into a Chinese laundry... With a gay duck.

Your honor... I have no closing statement, because I'm throwing the case.

I have no closing statement, because I'm throwing the case.

Helping only ourselves is bad, and helping each other is good.

By the way, never got a chance to tell you this, but it was me who turned you in to the state bar. I know. And I never got a chance to thank you.

This place has made you so gay. Hey! Don't use 'gay' as a derogatory term. Booyah, good person.

My God, Pierce! You had your first good idea.

It's cool, but also not.

A little late to the hipster party much? A little much on the much much?

Here's the deal, Jessica Biel.

This can't be good. He's dressed as himself.

Well, graduating after 30 can't be characterized as early.

Like an ice cream cone melting in the sun, our time here can't last forever.

That was part of the speech I was writing!

You? You're pre-med! I want ice cream.

Oh, no, it's cool. It's Leonard's.

A big man. A huge, throbbing, sweaty... Dean, I just want to get my history credit and get out of here.

I choose... The Dean.

Even if we go somewhere, we're not going anywhere.

I literally just walked up. I know. I made the speech for you.

You smell like the floor of a movie theater. Yeah, but not for the usual reasons.

Pig. Let me guess. You're a flimsy excuse to be shirtless, wearing silk underwear.

And you are as wrong as you are welcome.

Annie, no. I meant the boxing match ring girl. They're the sexy ones that hold the round numbers.

Heads, lock up your brains. Britta's on the prowl for fresh therapy meat.

He is a geriatric toddler, throwing the most elaborate tantrums money can buy

It's like David Lee Roth threw up Miami Vice.

This place has not been dusted in months, and he starts with the panic room? No sale. He's not a sad old man. He's a sad old liar.

What in the Scooby-Doo is happening to you people?

Can it, ham. She's also my ride.

what's weird is that a living person lived here with his parents, well into his 60s. Then they died, and he's still here, like a paralyzed Peter Pan.

It's like practicing on a cadaver. Knock yourself out.

how does one search for a red notebook that doesn't exist without looking, touching, or creating future nightmares?

Don't. That's not nice. - What? He was a tight-Fisted, philandering bigot who got to outlive most Bridges.

How about we ask rip Van racism where the codes are?

I remember when this show was about a community college.

Here's to you, Cornelius. Gone, But not forgiven.

For an Inspector Spacetime convention, I would need a bag to put over my head.

Because they've never seen a man who's had sex before?

I'm gonna go upstairs, towel off, and pray to God that I wake up in the middle of a final for a class I didn't know I was enrolled in.

I saw actual hair that looked a lot like mine on my side of the sink, so I have some questions. First one, is that actually my hair, and, if so, did it fall out naturally? Because if it did, you need to tell me right now, 'cause I have to call science.

If we were married, you wouldn't find me flirting with another woman in a hotel bar.

Oh, God, don't make me order that.

Bow before Thoraxis.

Because that's called appeasement. And everyone knows if you give the Germans something small, like the study room or Austria, they end up wanting something big, like Earth.

If there were more people in the world like Annie, we'd all be speaking vietnamese right now. - [Gasps in shock] - That was my war. I had flashbacks for years. Pierce, you moved to Canada.

Hey, apropos of nothing, what's that sound you make when you see something shocking? - [Gasps in shock] - Oh, yeah, that's it.

You had me at 'ruse.' That was the last thing I said. Good thing you said it.

Hate to say it, but this is what happens when a group of people blindly follows a charismatic, golden-throated leader. Are you actually comparing me to Hitler? [Overlapping agreements] There are similarities.

You clever British bastard. You set this whole thing up to teach us a lesson. Making the school pretend to hate us, to show us that one man's hero is another man's villain.

- I really am Hitler. - Yeah. So it's just decided. No vote or anything. I hate this.

I was going to microwave buttered noodles, but this sounds equally promising.

The only thing that's going to get messy and emotional is Troy, when he realizes there are yams underneath those marshmallows.

You really 'you'd' this one, huh?

What about car accidents, Tara Reid, or the Hindenburg?

The presence of it, I mean.

I'm a lawyer who faked a bachelor's degree and practiced law for seven years before I got caught.

but you just got stuck.

made you strong. With all due respect, which is none, go to hell.

Teach me what you know. What in the cat's cradle is happening?

Britta's the worst.

One time, when I was in seventh grade, I told everybody at school that I had appendicitis. I wanted someone to worry about me. But when Beth Brannon asked to see the scar, I didn't want to get found out, so I took mom's scissors, and I made one.

Because I got 17 cards, and I still keep them in a box underneath my bed 22 years later because it proves that someone, at some point, cared about me.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

He kept the dean in a dungeon. He tried to kill us. He ate his twin in utero.

Well, enjoy your collective delusion. I'm going to go get a sandwich, which, unlike Changnesia, is real.

What Shirley said really made me think. I mean, all my friends believe this guy. What does it say about me that I don't?

What does it say? It says I have gullible friends who will believe anybody, and I need to make that anybody me. By exposing Chang in front of the whole school.

In an investigation, one dude always has to go opposite the other dude. That's how they get things done. Well, you guys can work it out. Yeah, we will. No, we won't.

Well played, Chang. The chess match has begun. What... I'm Chinese?

They were supposed to come back with a smoking gun, and all they found was a little human rights abuse. Which, normally, is terrible.

It goes on like this for another 12 hours. I couldn't even get through it all, and I sat through The Tree of Life.

So please welcome to the stage the former Mrs. Ben Chang, Alessandra.

You called her over and over and over again, even though you don't know her or how to use a phone or what a number is.

Look, if he doesn't remember her, then this wouldn't bother him. My logic is flawless! Doesn't that bother you? That bothers you!

Hey, Alessandra, his last girlfriend was a charred mannequin leg!

By trying to make Kevin a pariah, I accidentally became more Chang than Chang at his Changiest.

Well, I didn't try to kill anyone. Which no one seems to care about. But you know what I'm saying.

Wanting to leave that name behind is the sanest decision anyone can make.

Actually, you can count me in on this one. What? You had me at 'no Pierce.'

Thank you for opening my eyes to two new stereotypes.

I think all a man needs in life is a close shave, a cold beer, and you know, maybe a faithful dog.

If you're so proud... Why don't you gay marry me?

You drew the short straw. Well, that's how it started, but I really did end up having a good time.

Don't talk about Pierce like that. Look, maybe the only reason he can be so unpleasant is because we expect him to be.

You know what sport I never got? Golf. No argument here. They lost me immediately with the clown clothes.

Honestly, after all that, you still eat splingles? Uh, yeah, Troy. Splingles have 30% less fat. They're the fit chip.

Even Pierce loves this show now? It's not Inspector Spacetime. It's the American version, and it's a travesty. It's broad, obvious, sexist, and the timing is...

What the hell is wrong with you?

Jeff's knowing look and supportive response despite clearly knowing Britta made a mistake

Really? Your plan was to throw a dance honoring the singer of damn I wish I was your lover? And as I lay me down, which in my opinion is the far superior song.

Call this off before it becomes a full-scale 'Brit-astrophe.' I coined that.

And when she comes I'm gonna be like, 'I will remember you doubting me.' That's a Sarah McLachlan song.

Hey, Britta. Where's Sophie B.? Is she backstage drinking Zima and counting her beanie babies?

So it just be coincidence that somebody posted a craigslist ad an hour ago that says, 'looking for Sophie B. Hawkins, or convincing Sophie B. Hawkins impersonator to play community college dance tonight. Very little money.'

Oh, yeah. A large percentage of Greendale students sort of gave up in the mid '90s, so for many of them Sophie B. Hawkins is the most recent music they're aware of. I mean, her coming here is gonna be a huge boost to their spirits. Whereas, her not showing up would be enough to push these people to such a dark place and really question whether life is worth living at all.

Whereas, her not showing up would be enough to push these people to such a dark place and really question whether life is worth living at all.

Sophie! Sophie! Sophie! I hate to say I told you so, but I'm gonna say it to Britta's face.

If it's possible to make something happen by willing it, then, yes, I did.

Why did you make, have, and bring these?

If we're gonna play this game, then, unlike sex with Britta, we're gonna do it quickly and with a small shred of dignity.

This game is gay. Square.

Can we go back to studying now? Square. I don't like this game. Me neither. I think it's mean. There's no point. Yeah, it's insulting. Okay, stop. Square.

But to be fair, there's not many things you could be stuck in. Elevators. Bad marriages. A peat bog. On a flight in the middle seat. Time loops. The bottom of a well. Your own emotions. Quicksand. Okay, stop! Square.

Come on, people. I can't do this alone. You can't do it at all.

Oh, damn you, gravity! Damn you, prayer! Damn you, Vicki!

Pierce, no! Bring it to me strong, old man monkey strength!

So this is how Greendale graduates end up: As transient mountain men. Huh. Not as bad as I thought.

♪ I said it didn't bother me But truthfully it did I promised him I'd make it to a baseball game he had But I bailed and never called again And now I'm just exactly like my dad ♪

Well, uh... the level to which we respect you as a political activist has definitely not changed.

Once again, I help fix everyone's problems only to go home alone. Who says you have to be alone? Jeffrey.

What are we doing here? / Yeah. / No, Gollum, no!

Oh, well, mi casa es su art project.

Let's just live with them for a night. We can totally return them. Oh, let's totally return them.

You realize you've just put your friends in a very awkward position. A gift creates obligation.

Oh, who couldn't have seen that coming?

There's a real problem with resistance in this group.

I'll bet she does.

No. Nor was anyone else.

Well, there was a secret Tom Waits show in town, so I did the math.

I copied and pasted the lyrics to war, what is it good for? Good God.

I have carefully cultivated a persona that screams, 'you're on your own.'

And what we did was not dating.

And now, thanks to Kevin's complete misreading of the situation, we have our moment of maximum leverage

We'd all heard about your troubles with co-eds back at Oxford, but it was becoming all too real. As you lumbered around the room, we had to assume you were coming after me or Britta. Ah-ah-ahem! Or Shirley,

who I didn't mention earlier, because she intimidates you sexually.

And what we did was not dating. Uh. Ah. A little friction.

Tom Waits was... Ah! Ow. You cost me Valedictorian. He cost me Valedictorian. That was my punch.

Now I'm gonna do something that Octavian never would... yeah, I read the book.

All right, Britta doesn't have one. Who else?

Nope, not an idea. That's a statement. Anyone not on medication?

I've been told I look like a Kennedy. Nope, still just a random statement, and still useless.

Somebody's sure working her way around the table. Aren't you?

I thought that would work. Yeah, we're all floored it didn't.

Annie, remember. We're doing doable and passable. We're doing whatever it takes to help us... - Thank you. - ...beat Leonard.

You're getting beat by Leonard? [Chuckles] He's so old.

Unfortunately, yes, dorks.

Tell your boyfriend and his boyfriend that playtime is over.

Stay alive. Or don't. I'm on it.

Dean, I need you. [Gasps] It's happening. Shut the door.

Both: I wish I could switch places with you for just one day. Oh! Oh! Oh... Ah! [Gasps] Sorry. Routine light switch check. That is not a thing!

Of course. It's fricking Friday. There's no justification to be made, because it can't happen, weirdo.

Listen, why don't I pitch you a remake of a remake, where my magic mouth tells you drop the act because Abed isn't even here. Then, you cough up the DVD and we go tell Abed you're back in your own bodies, so we can go do doable and passable banners.

I'm in Greendale, stuck in the body of a man who could be Gollum's shadow, so yeah, I'd say it's half past suck.

What is wrong with you? I don't know.

There you go. My work here is done. You're one and two again. Now, you can direct your anger and resentment at each other. Congrats. - Classic wrap-up. - Shut up, Leonard! I've got a picture of your old nose! - It was a lateral move!

Holy--makes complete sense at this school! FYI, one of these piles is load-bearing, so, uh, yeah, watch that.

I wish I had the courage to commit to a bit like you, Abed, or to a relationship, like Troy. Committing is hard, because we're all scared of what happens when we find out we committed to the wrong thing, but there's no shame in what Troy's done. He put himself out there and he really tried, and that proves he cares.

When I switched bodies with Jeffrey... - Nope. - I thought I knew what it would be like to have Jeffrey inside of me... - That did not happen. - But as it turns out, having Jeffrey inside of me... - Nope again. - ...only brought out the worst in me. Which is to say, having Jeffrey inside of me... - No one was inside of anyone! - ...was wrong... - to have Jeffrey inside of me. - Shut up!

Shirley, did you ever date Roger Ebert?

Britta, did you ever take pictures of your feet and post them on the Internet for money?

Nobody bite. We agreed no biting.

So you're saying we're all connected like the classic French film trilogy Bleu, Blanc, Rouge? No, like something more accessible. Like Unbreakable.

I don't care what tricks or nonsense you have in your scrapbook, Martha Stewart

In fairness, Annie, running through a glass door might've been the drug tip-off.

Also, and I hate to bring this up, you did once make me pee myself.

I should probably write George Lucas a note of apology. Okay, let's not get crazy.

What a dweeb. Yeah, what a dweeb.

So what you're saying is that we're all each other's Uncle Ben's murder. And we're all Spider-Men. Yeah. Let's say I'm saying that.

I'm out. You're too in to be out.

Hey. It's a sticker.

What did you end up majoring in? Education. You had to win, didn't you?

Pierce, you have so many credits, they have grand-credits.

When's the graduation ceremony? Never. It's community college. You just send in some papers and they stop charging you.

It's moving, in its own way.

Necessary? You asked for proof of inseam.

We'll roll for it.

The darkest timeline.

Annie, why are you acting like a mistress in a lifetime movie?

Neither time nor distance nor screening one's calls could ever sever what nature herself has ordained. When two men are drawn-- I'll take it from here, Craig. Fair enough. I was reaching.

Ooh. Burn on Britta. Sorry, seven.

Pierce. You don't have to do this. I'm ready to graduate. Yeah? Well, I'm ready to graduate first.

I'm thinking I might look into some small local firms. I'm going to use my big mouth to help the little guy.

Jeff's overwrought TV commercial with dramatic music and grandiose claims

Huh, thanks a lot, Francis Ford repo man.

Sad reprise of Jeff's commercial now showing 'Loser at law' in a mini mall

A human could've said that without salivating.

From what? His own pencil?

Look, I might be broke, desperate, and nearly homeless, but I still got one thing deep down inside that gives me power... That was it. That was all I had.

I told you you'd be back. Shut up, Leonard. I'm not here. I'm just a figment of your creeping dementia.