Digital Exploration of Interior Design (1)

Dean Pelton:Thank you all for coming to this momentous occasion—the opening of Greendale's very own Subway restaurant, a symbol of our institution's commitment to legitimate dining options and student wellness.

Dean Pelton:Now, if I could just—

Dean Pelton:These scissors are... they're not cooperating. Hold on.

Dean Pelton:One moment, please. The ribbon is—it's caught. It's very caught.

Dean Pelton:I have operated scissors before. Many times. I'm very capable.

Shirley:Well, I'm just so proud that our little sandwich shop inspired this beautiful Subway. I mean, when I opened my doors, nobody believed in the dream. But look at this! *gestures around* They believed in it so much, they decided to do it themselves. With their money. And their locations. And their corporate infrastructure.

Annie:I'm staying at a sleep study for a while. They're paying me to sleep, which is basically my dream job. Well, my dream job would be sleeping, but this is pretty close.

Jeff:Wait, didn't you guys just build a fort like last week?

Troy:That was a pillow fort.

Abed:This is a blanket fort.

Troy:Completely different.

Troy:Difficulty is inherently valuable. It builds character.

Abed:So if I made you eat broken glass, that would build your character?

Troy:That's different.

Abed:How? It's difficult. By your logic, the more glass you eat, the better a person you become.

Troy:You're twisting my words.

Abed:I'm just following your philosophy to its logical conclusion. Maybe we should all just walk into traffic. That's pretty difficult.

Pierce:It's late, I'm not thinking straight.

Annie:Pierce, it's 9 AM.

Pierce:You're welcome.

Britta:Well, actually, the course designation is quite important. It reflects the academic rigor and subject matter. For instance, I'm taking PTSD 101.

Jeff:That's... not a real class code.

Britta:It stands for 'Philosophical Theories and Systemic Dynamics.' It's perfectly legitimate.

Dean Pelton:We have a new student joining us today. Please welcome our newest Greendale student.

New Student:Thank you. My name is Corporate Synergy LLC.

Dean Pelton:Wonderful! Welcome to Greendale, Corporate Synergy LLC.

Jeff Winger:Wait, that's your actual legal name?

Corporate Synergy LLC:Yes. I was born a limited liability corporation. My parents wanted me to have all the legal protections of a business entity.

Britta Perry:That's... that's not how that works.

Corporate Synergy LLC:Actually, thanks to Citizens United, I have more constitutional rights than you do.

Britta:This is exactly what's wrong with corporate personhood! A massive corporation literally walking around, exploiting workers, destroying the environment—

Subway:I'm just here to make sandwiches.

Britta:And another thing—how tall are you? Like, seven feet?

Annie:Wait, if Subway is a corporate person, does that mean it has civic rights?

Subway:I suppose technically, yes.

Annie:So you can vote?

Subway:Well, I'm only 50 years old.

Group:Aww...

Subway:Wait, you're not actually a student here?

Character:No, I'm in the military. I have to serve my country.

Subway:Oh my God!

Jeff:Wait, there's a student lounge? How did I not know about this?

Annie:You missed orientation, Jeff. There were a lot of activities.

Jeff:How many activities could there possibly be?

Annie:Well, there was the welcome mixer, the campus scavenger hunt, the diversity fair, the club showcase, the midnight dodgeball tournament, the synchronized swimming exhibition, and the ceremonial lighting of the dean on fire.

Jeff:Wait, what was that last one?

Annie:I'm kidding about that one.

Jeff:You're kidding about one of them?

Annie:Okay, so if they won't let me bring Mr. Whiskers into the sleep study, I'll just have to get creative. I'm thinking I tape him to the underside of my mattress, but not too tight because he needs to breathe. Then I wear an oversized cardigan with deep pockets, and I fill those pockets with smaller stuffed animals as decoys. When they search me, they'll find the decoys and think they've won. But the real prize? Mr. Whiskers will be in a hollowed-out pillow.

Annie:I've already measured his dimensions. It's a perfect fit. And if that doesn't work, I have a backup plan involving my bra. I'm not going to explain that part, but let's just say Mr. Whiskers is very small and very important to my REM cycles.

Jeff:Winter Formal. Spring Fling. Winter Formal II. Spring Fling II: The Flinging. Winter Formal: The Formaling. Spring Fling III: This Time It's Personal. Winter Formal IV: We Mean It This Time. Spring Fling: The Reckoning.

Jeff:Wait, so you guys actually saved Garrett?

Annie:Yeah.

Jeff:How?

Annie:I don't know.

Jeff:Garrett! Thank God, we got you out of there. Are you okay?

Garrett:I'm fine, I'm fine. Though I'm not sure 'rescued' is the right word.

Jeff:I just said something stupid.

Annie:Gesundheit.

Britta:You know what? Crowd mentality is a real problem. People just go along with whatever everyone else is doing without thinking for themselves.

Britta:Like, do snakes even travel in herds? I don't think they do... actually, I'm not sure. Do they?

Britta:I came up with the perfect name for my advice column: 'Dear Filtration.'

Annie:Why 'Filtration'?

Britta:Because I filter out the bad advice and let the good advice flow through, like a water filter.

Annie:Oh. I thought it was just a weird way to spell 'Dear Abby.'

Pierce:You could probably get him to do anything. You know, with your... way of communicating.

Pierce:I've got a grappling hook, night vision goggles, a poisoned dart gun... and my penis. That's the deadliest weapon of all.

Britta:I'm not going to do some seduction plan. That's manipulative and gross.

Jeff:Come on, Britta. It's not that bad.

Britta:Not that bad? Jeff, I have a very specific, elaborate fantasy about being a high-end escort in Manhattan with my own brownstone and a security detail, and I'm not going to compromise that by actually manipulating people.

Dean:This is just a coupon for Bed Bath & Beyond.

Dean:But I'll take it.

Troy:Oh man, I can't believe we're meeting actual Guinness World Record holders!

Abed:Yeah, well, the guy with the longest fingernails hasn't trimmed them since 2003. He can't wipe. He pays someone to do it.

Troy:...What?

Abed:That's not a record. That's a cry for help.

Vice Dean Laybourne:You're like Laverne and Shirley. And you're like... Reggie.

Troy:Who's Reggie?

Vice Dean Laybourne:Exactly.

Troy:Reggie can do anything! He's incredibly talented and loyal.

Vice Dean Laybourne:Oh, I'm sure he is. But you see, Troy, what matters isn't what Reggie can do—it's what I allow him to do.

Jeff:Wait, Kim is dead?

Annie:Yeah, she died last year.

Garrett:You know what they say: 'You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.' But what about the shots that take you?

Jeff:Remember when we saved Garrett? Well, he needs saving again.

Garrett:I'm fine, actually.

Jeff:Not from us, Garrett. From life.

Britta:I'm here to expose Subway's corporate crimes and shut down your operation.

Subway Employee:Would you like that six inch or footlong?

Britta:This is just like 1984. Big Brother is watching us.

Subway:Yeah, that's true.

Britta:You're a sandwich.

Pierce:My eyesight's not what it used to be.

Subway:Well, whose is?

Pierce:You know, Britta, you've got some real seduction skills. I bet you could seduce just about anybody.

Britta:Pierce, that's incredibly sexist and objectifying.

Pierce:What? I was giving you a compliment!

Britta:Well, you should rephrase it in a way that doesn't reduce women to their sexual appeal. Maybe try: 'You have a compelling personality and interesting perspectives that make you engaging to talk to.'

Pierce:Fine. Britta, you're not bad-looking for a woman with your kind of attitude problem.

Britta:Wait, before you congratulate me... I need to tell you something. I may have gotten a little too close to the target. Emotionally close.

Shirley:Oh no. Britta, no.

Britta:I think I have feelings for him.

Pierce:That's the espionage! It happens to the best of us.

Subway:I had a dream last night. A three-legged dog was negotiating peace in the Middle East.

Britta:That's actually a powerful metaphor for overcoming—

Subway:Then a one-eyed cat was mediating trade disputes between nations.

Britta:See, disability doesn't define—

Subway:A deaf gerbil successfully negotiated the Iran nuclear deal.

Britta:That's kind of beautiful when you think about—

Subway:And a paraplegic hamster just completely rejected your entire point of view.

Troy:Laybourne played me like a fiddle. I went from being Abed's sidekick to being his underkick.

Troy:You know what? I'm done! You're a butt-licker!

Abed:Troy, that doesn't even make sense.

Troy:That's what you are!

Jeff:I'm sorry you feel that way.

Annie:That's not an apology, that's a magical spell to make me disappear.

Leonard:I missed out on pillow access, and now I'm comparing it to a financial opportunity from decades ago.

Pierce:I'll create the perfect woman. A Britta, but without all the Britta.

Pierce:She'll have Britta's body, but my intelligence downloading directly into her brain.

Pierce:We'll call her Britta 2.0. The first model was just a prototype that gained sentience and became annoying.

Pierce:Here, take this invisible ink pen. For your spy work.

Britta:Thanks, Pierce.

Britta:*drinks the ink*

Pierce:What are you doing?

Britta:It's invisible, right? So it won't show up on my teeth.

Pierce:That's not— Britta, you look terrible.

Pierce:Britta, listen. When you're undercover, the key is to blend in. You need to change your appearance completely.

Pierce:Maybe lose some weight, get some work done on your face. You know, the usual stuff.

Britta:Pierce!

Pierce:What? I'm just saying, you're not exactly helping the cause looking like... well, like you.

Troy:I'm not just breaking records, I'm joining an elite community of record holders. We have secret meetings in a hidden library where we discuss our achievements over imported cheese and wine.

Troy:There's a handshake. A very complicated handshake. It takes forty-five minutes to learn.

Troy:And once a year, we gather under the full moon to renew our vows as record holders. We wear special robes. Mine is burgundy.

Abed:This is it. Fort Hawthorne is under attack. All personnel must evacuate immediately.

Troy:Wait, what? Abed, come on!

Abed:I'm sorry, Troy. There's no room for friendship in wartime.

Magnitude:POP POP!

Britta:It was a pleasure to burn.

Kim:I wrote that note because you assumed I was a woman.

Jeff:What? No, I didn't—

Kim:You called me 'she' in your email. My name is Kim, and you defaulted to female. That's the first layer of your thoughtlessness.

Jeff:I apologize, I just—

Kim:The second layer is that you didn't even bother to check. You just sent it off. The third layer is that you're now trying to smooth this over with charm instead of actually listening.

Kim:Did you know that 87% of people named Kim are confused about their own gender at least once a week? It's true. I read it somewhere.

Annie:My teaching method is proven effective and research-backed.

Jeff:Annie, that's great. Very earnest. But let's be honest - you're about as inspiring as a TPS report written in crayon.

Abed:I don't know if I can do this.

The Inspector:You must. Art is the crystalline expression of the human condition, a mirror held up to society's face. To compromise it is to betray not merely yourself, but the very essence of what makes us sentient beings capable of transcendence.

Abed:Wait, come back! Your speech was so inspiring!

Mysterious Figure:I appreciate that, but I need to crawl away now. I'm having some personal issues.

Subway Executive:I pride myself on being progressive and socially conscious. I've donated to NPR, I drive a Prius, I use the correct pronouns...

Subway Executive:But nothing prepared me for this. My entire value system is collapsing.

Subway Executive:You know what? I'm done here. I'm walking out that door and I'm never coming back.

Subway Executive:And there's nothing any of you can do to stop me.

Subway Executive:Wait, has anyone seen where I put my jacket?

Subway Executive:This conversation is over. I'm leaving.

Subway Executive:Could someone help me with my jacket?

Subway Executive:You know what? Forget it. I'm not leaving. I'm going to process my trauma right here, right now, in front of all of you.

New Subway:We're excited to bring a fresh, innovative dining experience to Greendale. Our new paradigm focuses on synergistic engagement with our key demographics.

Britta:That sounds great.

New Subway:We've also streamlined our touch-points to maximize customer satisfaction metrics. Of course, we take all allegations of non-consensual contact very seriously and have implemented a robust reporting infrastructure.

Britta:Wait, what?

Star-Burns:Wait, who am I fighting for again?

Student:Your own fort!

Star-Burns:Right, right. But which one is mine? I've built so many identities, I can't remember which fort represents the real Star-Burns.

Vice Dean Laybourne:You know, I've been called a lot of things. Cold-hearted, manipulative, calculating...

Assistant:Sir, the air conditioning in your office—

Vice Dean Laybourne:Yes, yes, I like it arctic. Keeps people on their toes. Speaking of which, I suppose you could say I run a pretty cold-blooded operation around here.

Assistant:You mean the thermostat is set to 62 degrees?

Vice Dean Laybourne:Exactly. Cold-blooded. Now get me another yogurt.