Troy Barnes

Annie/Troy revelation: 'little Annie Adderall' / 'lost his scholarship by dislocating both shoulders in a keg stand'

You're that girl that got hooked on pills and then dropped out. You're little Annie 'Adderall'

Troy: 'Keg flip. They're very hard to pull off. You don't know-- I'm a legend.'

You just wrinkled my brain, man

[high-pitched sneeze] / oh, god bless you, dear. [laughter] / what's so funny?

Troy's high-pitched sneeze followed by laughter

then he should see aladdin. jafar was a bad-ass. / yes, he was.

hey, troy sneezes like a girl. / and how about i pound you like a boy? That didn't come out right.

you're not my mother. / she's not? / 29 seconds.

[clamorous sneeze] / god--god bless you. god bless you.

Do they do stuff to your butt? Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?

The soul train awards were tonight. You promised butt stuff!

[With jamaican accent] Hey, man, coming through. I love de desperate housewives.

I'm dr. Doogie seacrest. I think i'm better than everyone else because i'm 40.

really? how does he know about me?

i'm president obama's nephew.

starting with me inventing the ferrari.

first of all, i cannot be got, because i am not gullible like you. secondly, you are not good at this, because you are not believable in your face, okay? your face? it's bad.

it would be less creepy if you were actually an alien.

dwarves hate being called midgets, and midgets are small

a movie of the week

you said weiner. that's funny

shut up, boo-boo head / will you shut up, fart head?

did you know they had a football?

the team's name is the human beings? / yeah. my idea

i wouldn't play for this school with a 10-foot pole

or pancakes!

man, that backcountry today was epic! well worth the jellybeaning. blue bird day to shred some pow

you're saying i could be a lawyer / i'm saying you're a football player!

is that linebacker a pregnant woman?

how did you know my nickname's t-bone? / because you're a football player, and your name begins with 't.' your name...begins...with 't.'

threw the skin around a couple of times. still got it. eh...eh...eh...eh... doosh!

what i need to know about the universe is that i'm at the center of it

i hurt myself on purpose / there was a scout coming to the final game at riverside and...i couldn't take the pressure, so i took the easy way out

am i good looking? - you're a very attractive young man. - i knew it.

oh, thanks, urkel. - i'm harry potter. - really? - what up, urkel?

it's like grumpy old men but not hilarious.

hey, man, what's going on? You have a full-on erection. Just rela-- just relax.

You sound like cookie monster. - i'm batman. - that's batman.

candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones. - yeah, it sure does. - at, like, a candy traffic school.

like, a little gingerbread man at the wheel, And he's drunk. - look out. - you'd be driving, But you keep wanting to eat yourself.

what is? - if i ever, like, woke up as a donut. - you would eat yourself? - i wouldn't even question it. that'd be tasty.

i was just gonna lay down newspaper.

my appendix is bursting. - what? - yeah. yeah. my appendix is bursting.

This is wrinkling my brain / That's wrinkling my brain / Get a load of these wrinkles

He's a witch! Get him!

Why am I crying? What, I accidentally listen to Come Sail Away by Styx again?

You tell me my future right now, you evil wizard!

donde esta la biblioteca? me llamo t-bone, la arana discoteca

I choose not to be around rats because they are unpopular.

Same goes for centipedes and lakes.

[screams]

I'll kick all your asses! But y'all have to come up here!

you got a weird forehead.

real friends help me with things. Not vice versa.

he gets any nuttier, they're gonna put him on the view.

you stick to quotin' movie lines. i'll stick to sports / i'm trying to reduce my pop-cultural referencing

oooohh... / maybe it has something to do with crabs. they're like a food, but they're also a disease

'don't eat the crab dip.' yay-yay!

you broke my hand, you bastard

dean, i am not the best athlete on campus. abed is. i know you let me win the race

that's because... i wanted it to be true

Yeah, in your face, billy joel. who is that?

Thanks for dumbing that down for us.

No, the real reason men fight Is to release their pent-up gayness. That guy wasn't gay. He had a moustache.

Yeah, but we don't celebrate birthdays or christmas, And we can't drink. But it helps.

So you're like a muslim. Salaam alaikum. Shama-lama-ding-dong.

I'm wearing this jesus bracelet 'cause it gets me chicks.

Yeah, I got some... Theories.

'sup? 'sup? - 'sup! - No, it's a question. 'sup? - 'sup? - Not a real question, a rhetorical one. You have the answer. He does not.

What are you, a north korean seamstress?

We're trying to get jeff ready for the fiiiii...Iiight. I couldn't think of another word.

I don't know what that is.

I meant about jeff passing. You being our spanish teacher... Eh.

You could even enroll in community college - Right now it sounds as boring as real life, But it is not.

Gimme back my bra, annie. - I'm not even wearing a bra. - Oh!

So sad. But best semester ever.

We've got three chicks, three dudes, And now two weirdos. Sorry, abed.

Yo, I need my genitals.

You're wrong, pierce. It's two guys.

What's up, bro? boo! Hey, what's up, j-dog? Woof, woof, woof, woof! Yeah!

Troy, since when have you taken modern dance? Since last semester. Coach told me it would help with my coordination, And I fell in love with it, in a very straight way.

That's because you don't play football Or have fun.

I am spending a lot of money on breakaway clothing.

Do you cook macaroni?

Macaroni's my favorite.

Um... M-my secret... Is that... I knew britta's secret.

That's why god gave them parts that jiggle.

But I'd be going from starting quarterback To a guy that twirls around in tights. I've got way more to lose getting up on that stage Because I'm a man.

What are you doing here? Being a friend and a man.

I mean, you looked so pathetic, You made going up there the most masculine option.

Bridges. Four letters. Hmm. I know. Bridges.

Oh, that's cool that you're hanging out, drinking beers with your students.

Maybe it's 'cause I knew her back in high school, before she dropped out. She had braces and acne and a pill addiction and a nervous breakdown ending with her running through a plate-glass door, screaming, 'Everyone's a robot!'

And she's Jewish? I can't believe I didn't see that.

I have the weirdest boner.

Nah, I'm not looking for my other half. I'm looking for you, girl.

Yeah, well some things are more connected than others, like tarantulas and me peeing my pants...

Everybody knows you want a cut of the T-bone steak.

Oh, you're even hotter when you're angry. Let's do this. Red shoe diaries... I think you know I have a thing for butt stuff.

Hey, guys, thanks for taking ugly Annie out of the palm of my hand and turning her into yet another hottie that will never get with me!

You did get weirdly specific when you were describing Annie's body.

They're just jealous.

I am Kickpuncher. My cyber punch have the power of kicks.

I am Punchkicker. Meet your match.

Barnes, troy? Barney miller?

Just look away, baby. Just look away.

You said he hated fro-yo. Just drive.

13. - Ah, great, so much for 'baggels.'

The baggels. You dropped them on the floor. Uh, they're called bagels. I lived in new york, troy. I know what a baggel is.

What 'padge' was that? Two 'five -ty' eight.

Oh, he wants us to love don't cost a thing him. Can't buy me love was the remake for white audiences.

Whoa! That's her? She's pretty! Wh-which is not a surprise at all, abed.

I-I-I--it's like abed, but employable.

Don draper from mad men. What'd you think? Weird. Awesome. Put your tongue in her ear.

You should be like calvin. His best friend was a tiger. He always went on dope adventures. If anything stood in his way, he just peed on it. Calvin coolidge?

Oh, my god. It's a white abed. I-I-I--it's like abed, but employable.

Is that code for going number one... Or number two?

Man...Why couldn't I be brown joey?

You cherish her. I'm sure I will. You know she's not gonna be around forever. I wanna believe you're right, Britta. But you never quite are, are you?

Your heart's desensitized, Jeff. Like a machine, it feels no love--just sex. You're like the booty-nator.

Why would the booty-nator be back with booty? Wouldn't he just try and kill it? Well, maybe he kills it and then brings it back as a trophy. Why would you want dead booty? I want pirate's booty. Because you're hungry?

A switch is a stick she can use to whup you with.

Cherish, Britta. Cherish.

Yeah, my mom told me there'd be white people that did this. With pocket watches, and coffee grinders, and pretending to be into steam boats.

All you have to do is walk away.

I don't understand you, Britta. I don't understand you at all.

Troy? I think I hit G-13.

Singing with tennille?

But the nearest body of water is 2 1/2 hours away. Leagues, abed. We don't measure water by hours.

A black person on a sailboat? I gotta see this. I'm in.

There's black people. Mm-hmm, there's two.

I'm making falafel. Not edible.

Cat's pajamas? Okay, pierce.

Damn, he's ghost riding the jib.

It landed on that hyundai. I mean, mermaid's car.

I hope I get multiple personalities. I get lonely in long showers.

Is that nautical talk or urban speak?

Man, that guy's life is one, big joke. I mean, I feel bad for him, but things have been running smoother since he drowned.

Pierce is going to be the only person ever to drown in a parking lot. Twice.

I am about to get the only 'a' I will ever get, and pierce isn't even dying.

ooh, my name's jeff winger. hey, I'm jeff winger. I'm so tall. Ah, this watch is expensive. - Muscles are everywhere.

Oh, we're not filming this. No, who'd want to watch this?

Oh, I can hear those fingers calling my name. "Troy! Troy!" Troy, did you get my text message? "did you get my text message?"

I got to stop hanging out with her. She sounds like a chicken finger.

Trump tower, this is Donald. Well, he can deep-fry the hell out of chicken. I can tell you that.

I dressed like a crazy pharaoh for you, man.

Troy, why do you have a monkey? Uh, it's an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have ten of them?

I am a robot. I am programmed to love this backpack.

More insane than programming them To replace auto workers? What?

Isn't that right, Annie's boobs? Please rename that thing! And this time, not with a contest on Twitter!

You wouldn't threaten a monkey. They have more lactic acid than us.

Can we make this quick? I need to give a banana to Annie's boobs.

No, no, no, no. My monkey hates this caviar.

Annie's boobs could be anywhere. Annie's boobs could be on the side of the road. We got it. The monkey's name is 'annie's boobs.'

I'll be like your Morgan Freeman. Like in the bucket list. The what?

Well, I hope getting pantsed Is on your list. Ha-ha! It is.

Thanks. Must have been hard for you to say that. It's called sarcasm, Troy. Ask the goat to explain it to you.

My Uncle was struck by lightning. You think it'd give you superpowers, But now he just masturbates in theaters.

Troy and I are pledging the cool fraternity, and unbeknownst to us, we're actually the target of ridicule and don't have a chance in hell of getting in. Yeah. They're making us walk around with pretzels in our butts. I put mustard on mine like an idiot.

You need to bang that kid's mom.

Because then anything that he says about you... He'll be saying to a dude that banged his mom!

Boobatron's great. And once someone spills bong water On his circuitry and he comes alive, He's gonna make us the coolest guys on campus And help us get babes.

Who are Sam and Diane? Okay, we get it. You're young! Sorry.

I want tbd. Is that new? If it's what I think, I had it for about a month in the '70s.

Jeff winger. You son of a bitch! I thought you were dead, man!

Talk him through the hunger, Abed.

Really? And people fall for that? Yeah. I mean, I'm all for winning, But let's not resort to cheap ploys.

You thinking what I'm thinking? Mm-hmm. Our team's walking with God.

That'd be great p.R. For the black students. I am not an ambassador. I am gladiator.

* hit me with your best shot * Oh, brother! * why don't you hit me with your best shot * That is so uninspired!

Write some original songs!

Oh, look, it's post-ironic disco st... You still trying to bring it back? Hi! Wha-ha! Damn, he brought it back.

Hey, Abed, it's Troy. Meet you at the flagpole in... If you are satisfied with your message, press one.

Hey, Abed, your girlfriend Will meet you at the flagpole in ten minutes.

Maybe you should just send a text message. Yeah.

You just 'go girled' yourself. - Shut up. - See, it's fun!

And why is she teaching Spanish if she's a doctor? Go cure something.

I know. Yours is a 2002. That's the year I heard it.

You could be a plumber.

Someone make her a dude so I can punch her.

It's from a movie. Well, then the movie it's from is terrible.

Uh, like the first season of the wire.

Banana rhino. Banana Sam Elliott. LeVar 'Banana' Burton. Banana King Tut.

B... banana penis. Sure, you would've loved it if he did it.

Remember how hard we laughed when we first heard the term 'teacher's aids'? Yeah. And then we found out a teacher did have aids.

Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer. Cool.

He probably hates America.

Cleanest face ever.

How can something that's delicious make me sick? Unless too much of a good thing... is actually a bad thing.

We're like Batman and Shaft. Batman actually had a guy. His name was Robin. Troy, Batman's friend didn't have to be Robin. It could have been Shaft, Dolemite... Leroy Brown. Don't let society limit your people.

You're reading Troy's Twitter page where he posts everything Pierce says? 'Oldwhitemansays'? It's hilarious.

Hey, did you guys see Toy Story 3? - Yes! - Oh, I love Toy Story 3! - Hey! - Aah! - Hey! - Hey, Toy Story... Britta!

Half a hat. Saves money. Thank you!

You know, when there's three sprinkle donuts, you don't eat one and then lick another!

He thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls. There's no way to disprove that. Have you ever seen a cat penis?

How 'bout oldwhitemansays... The TV show? Who would watch that?

♪ 'cause boobies we gotta ♪ ♪ order is primate, family hominidae ♪ ♪ but genus is...♪ Homo. ♪ But you know you're into me ♪

A butt for Jeff's Weiner. I mean, we all have butts too. We have butts. Just not for the same thi... I'm trying to say they're gay.

Alan got Jeff disbarred.

Yes. Did you know that go-gurt is just yogurt?

Suction cup. Credit card. Chloroform. The credit card doesn't work, the chloroform does.

'Cause if someone comes up here, Kanye and Kumar get taken to jail. You get taken to dinner.

What did she say? - I don't know. All I heard was suck.

Okay, that was the worst idea ever. Can we please just run away now?

My heart's just not in it. Maybe we should quit. I mean, who even cares about this anyway?

The contest doesn't matter. What's important is we have each other. Then...Can I be in your study group? Well, that wasn't the deal. We lost, so...

Abed? I made it through! I'm a cartoon now. - That's impossible. - Nothing's impossible in here. Animals can talk. Your heart is shaped like a heart. And the smell of pie can make you float.

Uh, yeah, I have the aol home page bookmarked.

So I guess she crawled out there to die like a cat.

She was so cold and gray. I saw her underwear!

Did you guys hear about that turtle in china? Two packs a day.

Ha ho ho! Snap! / Wait...what?

Reformed neo-buddhism is not a cult! It is a new way of looking at the world, emphasizing empowerment. Like a video game? Yes, Troy. Very much like a video game.

Pierce says there's this 69th flavor I need to try. I am excited.

Pierce says there's this 69th flavor I need to try. I am excited.

I hate to pull rank on you, but I need you to man your station now, Jeff. / I hate to pull reality on you, but you got your rank, Captain, by sitting in the chair with the largest knobs!

Chicken. / Yeah.

I took evasive maneuvers. You can't be on my 6. / Then I'm on your 12. / That means I'm your 6.

Whoo! I'm a ski lift ninja!

Ooh, freudian slip, perhaps due to my feeling kind of dopey.

She's an actual real life pharisee!

When did Pierce become awesome?

He's acting like the impression of him we do behind his back.

But our costumes go together, and if you're not in yours, I'm just a guy in a spandex suit and a bike helmet.

I don't need to know which Dracula I am to be a Dracula. Nerd.

Holy crap! Leonard's a zombie! Zombie attack!

You punched a lady bee!

It can't be the end of days. It's not 2012 yet. It's not the end of days.

I'm not Ripley, Abed. I'm a cool, sexy Dracula. I make love to ladies, and I survive.

Oh, cool. A dark basement. I was just thinking we should be doing this in a dark basement.

I don't know, Abed, because I'm not a nerd, which is why I'm not taking part in this very conversation.

What is up with that cat? Is someone throwing it?

This is not pretend play time, save-the-world time. It's quarter past let's-get-the-hell-out-of-this-building time.

I love you. I know.

I'm gonna be a nerd.

That's right. Prepare to meet the power of imagination.

All right, I don't know why I thought this would work. Hey, get off me! Get off... you're so strong! God, I hate this! Stop using your mouth!

What big fists you have... In your face! Beam this up, Scotty. In your face!

I've been bit, y'all. Dag. Congrats. You did what the zombies do.

Jeff, still cool as a zombie.

I don't know why, but I'm kind of over zombies. Yeah, I don't feel like anything action-heavy.

Why did he call me?

You know why they call me bus driver, right? Because you been travelin' all day? Because I'm taking your butt to school.

Nice. Cool, I'm up. Nuh-uh. Game's to 15. - Since when? - Since you scored 11.

* You just lost you just lost a game you just lost you just lost a game with Troy * - Uhh!

You've been up there for an hour.

They're like wearing a pair of dreams.

Troy and Abed in the mornin' and we're back with Greendale's resident animal expert, star-burns. My name's Alex.

Turtles don't eat mice. What do they eat? I don't know. Pellets? I have no idea. That's disappointing.

Want to see if those wiener dogs are born that way, or if they start off normal and then get wiener.

Sometimes I think I lost something really important to me, and it turns out I already ate it.

Are the thought police gonna make love to us? Do they find thoughts in our butts? I knew I should have read that book.

Yes, we were all just thinking that in 1856.

What if a ghost took the pen?

What are those underwear made out of? They look luxurious. Oh. They're an organic soy-cotton blend.

So I see it as a lot like the movie paranormal activity, except for more boring and fancy.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. / Ahh... / You thinking what I'm thinking? / We're too big for this, aren't we?

Visual gag: Troy and Abed's elaborate beatboxing/gibberish routine in blanket fort

Make this a blanket Fort for men. / Babu-Gabku boo-Gee. [beat boxing] / Babu-Jabbu-babu-Bee.

[foreign language] / You could, pavel...or...maybe the inside could come to you.

[Troy and Abed speaking in foreign language to Pavel]

When does a Fort stop being a Fort?

He went into that blanket Fort! / I think he went this way! / Do you see him? / Oh, sorry. / Sorry.

Welcome to fluffy town. No smoking, no farting, no Pillow fighting.

Leonard, back up! / You shouldn't even be in here, Leonard. You already have three farting strikes against you.

You made the front page! / You know what this means. / We've gone mainstream. / Initiate protocol Omega.

We've started looting!

Wanna build a cardboard submarine? / Get out of my brain.

Once...upon...a...time...there...was...a...big...spaceship. And...aliens. And...mercenaries. And? War. And? Betrayal. And? Romance? And...karate. And? Credits! The...end.

We should write a screenplay together. / Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Yeah, you still owe me for the keg deposit.

I got a cousin in Detroit, they're not crazy about it.

Which would make me 20 because everyone is 10 for two years. Because fifth grade is really hard for everyone.

Mom, how many lies have I been living?

Yes. I wanna bathe in manhood.

Troy, you're ruining Fuddruckers for everyone.

Don't order beer. You've had beer. What should I get? What do you think you might like? It's your world now. Follow your heart.

That woman is a hurricane. Yeah. Hurricanes are bad, Troy.

It's the same bar?

You two have been saying one bar's lame and the other one is awesome all night, and it's the same bar?

I just found out that you guys are just as dumb as me. Duh-doy.

Alcohol makes people sad. It's like the Lifetime movies of beverages.

You expect everybody to be better than who they are and you expect yourself to be better than everyone.

You like puzzles, little monsters on your pencil and some guy named Mark Ruffalo.

Fake-murdering people is gonna be my new holiday tradition.

You really expect me to tarnish the high five for that?

Cool! Do I have a gun?

Cool.

But you're Jewish. / On my mom's side. But my dad's episcopalian. And before the divorce, the holidays were a minefield of overlapping rituals.

It's the first season of lost on DVD. That's the meaning of Christmas? No, it's a metaphor. It represents lack of payoff.

You ever get the urge to just... 'Merry Christmas!' Ah, there. Said it.

Well, I always liked the way fake food looked on those animated shows. I mean, get a load of these things.

Well, I always liked the way fake food looked on those animated shows. I mean, get a load of these things. They really stepped up a notch in terms of visual deliciousness.

Troy and Abed in stop-motion

It's a little odd that I see this, too, though, don't you think? / Yeah. We're weird that way.

Yeah, I discovered a new back muscle to work out. Ladies, you'll thank me come tank top season.

I wish my mouth was further away from my brain. I wish my brain had its own brain.

You can't tweet it either. / We never discussed new media.

Halloween. / What? / Both: Nothing.

Nature's Viagra. Right?

His mind is like a fortress.

Pierce, if someone had sex with Chang and they get to not remember that happened, that's a gift from God.

I love Star Wars. That's Troy. I love footballs.

My name is Quendra, and I spell it with a Q-U. / I love Star Wars. / That's Troy. / I love footballs.

I thought it made them just custom-paint their vans and solve mysteries.

Also, are you sure that my costume is on backwards? Somehow I felt more confident before.

Do you think bees eat their own honey? I'm sure they've at least tasted it.

And who uses wite-out anymore?

break a stinger! For the bees.

You know that text we sent? It was to Britta's nephew. He sent her an emoti-penis.

I'm drunk too. On lust. There's a picture. Oh! That's disappointing.

Look, it's Drugs with a crazy wig and sparklers. ♪ Pokemon ♪

So we're just gonna ignore that hate crime, huh?

I'm an elf, not a nerd

Boy, you weren't kidding

Yeah, I bet you did

Worst introduction ever. Check it. I am Brutalitops, the magician! Magic user, baby... What?

'Magic user, baby... What?' - Troy's confusion about his own character

What am I not good at? Sex.

Argy bargy arg barg barg. Why is he a pirate? He's a gnome. He only speaks gnome

I take her by the hand and lead her to the stable. I light a candle and rip off a piece of my tunic, which I fashion into a blindfold

How long is that? Cool, cool, cool.

Yeah, you really outdid yourself this week. There's a lot of pain in you. I seriously feel bad

If you had a tail, people could always tell when you're happy. Yes, but with giant ears, you could hear things from miles away, and you could wear backpacks as earrings

Backpacks already free up your hands

They're keepers of knowledge. She holds the answers to all of our questions, like, 'will you marry me,' and 'why are there still libraries.'

I wanna be a book. She can pick me up. Flip through my pages. Make sure nobody drew wieners in me.

Books! Pretend like you're asleep.

You're gonna have to open your heart one day, Jeff. What happens if I don't? I miss the heart opening deadline?

Before you go barking up that tree, I have to tell you that she might not be interested. Why wouldn't she be... Oh! Is she... A friend of Ellen?

He's recovering dude can moonwalk! Besides, he's a baby boom. They invented drugs. Yeah, they also invented TV. Have you seen him control one of those?

What's in the briefcase? Oh. Tacos. You want one? No. Great. We really wanted them.

So Mariah, what you get with me is the complete package... HBO, Showtime, Starz, Starz black.

No. I choose you, Troy. Punch. Hey, Abed. Hey. I, um... She... Just... She chose me. Cool. You can have this then.

Well, I mean, he did talk about the Saw movies for two hours. Yeah, but there are eight of them, and they're two hours apiece, and the first one did redefine the genre, and... Troy, I would love to be his friend.

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her! What happened? She called you weird! I am weird. Not as weird as her! Who the hell is Nicholas Nickleby?

Final words? You're gonna kill us? No, dummy. The pills wiped me out. I'm dying. Oh. I'm not really dying.

It's Gregory Hines all over again.

Yeah, Jeff. What are you? Abed? Oh, sorry, Abed. No problem. Doesn't bother me.

I'd like to be bequeathed a drum kit or a signed photo of actor Levar Burton. Those would be my top two wishes. My third wish would be a million wishes. But I'd just use 'em all on a million signed photos of actor Levar Burton.

People shouldn't die in the same place as People magazines do.

That's the only way I agreed to be surrounded by my family.

If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide caused by the unjust cancellation of Firefly. We're gonna get that show back on the air, buddy.

Or what? You'll do twice as much work as a doctor for half the pay? Thank you? It's called a complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explanabrag.

Hi. Hey. Hi, I'm Jeff's dad. Hi. Hi, Jeff's dad. I'm Britta's dad. What? Why? I don't know. Got drunk, didn't have a condom, and her mom gets freaky when she hears oingo boingo.

Oh, God, I wish I could relate, but much like my son, I'm a closet homosexual. Don't apologize for that. You're talking to the guy that banged Britta's mom. I have no standards.

Well, what do you say we take a tumble? I'll put on a wig. That's it. You're under arrest. I'm an undercover cop. It's not illegal to be gay. It is here in Iran. Not when we're in the green zone. That's Iraq, stupid. Well, what do I know? I'm Jeff Winger's dumb, gay dad.

Hey, Troy? Hi. I'm Levar Burton.

I told Pierce a thousand times I never wanted to meet Levar in person! I just wanted a picture! You can't disappoint a picture! I hate you, Pierce! I hate you so much!

I'm Troy 'Butt Soup' Barnes. What? That's my name.

Leonard Rodriguez... Did he change his last name? Yeah, he's trying to court the Hispanic vote.

It's like God spilled a person.

We talked to two people at a vending machine. We don't even know how to do margins of error.

We talked to two people at a vending machine. Well, I'm being told we're taking a quick break, but stay tuned. They have to stay tuned. It's closed circuit television. Don't know what that means.

Pull up, Abed. You're in a nosedive.

When your child is a lone scavenger in the nuclear wasteland, clean water will be worth its weight in gold.

So you're not allowed to bone him. / You just guaranteed she'll bone him.

Name one guy I did that with. / That one dude, tall Kyle. / Jeff.

Ugh. Girls are so un-desensitized.

I don't want to play anymore. I feel sick. / She's strange.

I don't want to play anymore. I feel sick. She's strange.

I don't want to play anymore. I feel sick. She's strange.

Britta, there's a difference between telling us a guy likes nipple play and telling us a guy makes hats out of babies.

Was that the movie where the guy flirts with the girl online, but then it turns out that it's a fat, old woman? Oh. Sorry. It's cool. Maybe it's about catfish.

Was that the movie where the guy flirts with the girl online, but then it turns out that it's a fat, old woman? / Oh. Sorry.

What, I have 3D vision now? / Yes, you do. / You don't know me!

Wow, is there any way we can go ahead and spread that out over two years so I don't get slammed on my taxes?

Everyone hates Britta. / Mm.

Baby chickens, diamond forks, brand-name sodas.

Chang made me open it! / He seduced me with his dark Chinese powers.

Dude, I know I'm preaching to the choir, but you are a bad friend. / I'll kill you!

Dude, I know I'm preaching to the choir, but you are a bad friend.

Ooh, no-no juice.

Pierce's has a special gym with swings and saddles. Uh, we don't... we don't discuss the special gym.

Which do you think is better? Trevor St. McGoodbody or David?

Less of a drag. Quiet!

That happened this morning.

Like every time I go to say something, somebody just... My uncle put his finger in my no-no!

No, uncle Lucius! I don't want to play in the laundry room!

There's just so much darkness. And my soul is darkening, and my heart is mad at my kidneys

We're gonna laugh so hard about this later.

My uncle never stuck his finger in my plop-plop. I know. I'm bummed about it, too.

It's called Fiddla Please.

Is that a new stereotype?

It's like a reverse cow birth.

By the way, that dude was hard-core racist, like 1800s Disney-style.

We learned new ways to hate ourselves.

That was adorable and magical. He thought everything was claymation. Yeah. But everything wasn't.

It's 'suh-mores.' It's not 's'mores.' I just found out about it.

Like the Traveling Wilburys. Yes, Troy, like the Traveling Wilburys of pain

It's Troy. / Hey, the man wants to give Darrell an A, let him do it.

You know what, not different. Equal. Equal to whites. You know what, better than whites.

Give you $1,000. / Indecent Proposal. Indecent Proposal.

No. / I don't know.

Who's Betty Grable? / Yeah, that's the stuff.

It's like buying candy from a baby. / What did you do? You ruined it!

Pierce tainted our special handshake with his blood money and now we can't get the magic back!

It's back. / It never left.

His fingers are like good & plenties. I know. I want to eat them. Which is lame. Totally.

Cancel school today or we tell everybody about this.

He's really good-looking. Like, network TV good-looking. And did you see how big his guns were? Why don't you just marry him, Abed?

My forehead's not that big, right? - Mm. - It's not small.

He's created a safe zone where people can rest, eat, and if necessary, pump their breast milk.

Are you talking about the handsome blond cowboy with the big guns? Is that guy a student? Who--who is he? We just call him the Black Rider. Okay, but he's not really riding anything.

You talkin' about peeing, right? - No. - Me, neither.

Dude, you have a problem.

I can't go back out there. This is the only life I know.

'For Greendale' on three. One, two... Jeff, every second counts. 'For Greendale' on two. One... Guys. For Greendale!

Paint in sprinklers? Are we the little rascals? - I was.

Operation 'Troy's Awesome Plan' is living up to its name.

Commence operation 'Troy's Awesome Leadership Is Never in Doubt' plan.

Troy: 'If you want to get us a gift, we're registered at linens 'n things. We have plenty of linens. We mainly want the things.'

Troy: 'It's probably the monkey that lives in the vents. I named him "Annie's boobs," after Annie's boobs.'

Abed: 'Not cool, not cool, not cool, not cool, not cool...' Troy: 'Hey buddy, hey, it's coming back in January. Six seasons and a movie.'

Troy: 'Oh, interesting. So this is the year we all die.' Jeff: 'Yes, it is.'

Looks like someone woke up on the regular side of the bed.

Troy, Georgia the country, not the state. That's right. Capital city Tbilisi, and former member of the Soviet Union. And we kindly request y'all mind your Ps and Qs.

Guys, I wasn't doing the Spartacus thing. I farted.

Hey, Abed, can I borrow some change for the water fountain? Yeah. Here you go. Thank you. Wait. Change?

Star Wars, Star Wars. Cool, cool, cool. Hmm. You understand. You're also, quite frankly, a very weird-looking man.

Man, people just can't handle the truth about Ben Sherman's winter collection.

We spend too much time together. Jinx.

♪Troy and Abed's new apartment! ♪

avoid touchy topics like the negro problem. The book was written in the '40s.

Chop busted, fellow adult, chop busted.

Don't say charades. Troy & Abed: Yahtzee! Is charades off the table?

What does a pregnancy test look like? Like a thin piece of plastic with a thing on the end of it. Okay, so this is definitely a gun.

I don't know, people hitting their heads.

♪Pizza, pizza, go in tummy ♪ ♪me so hung-ee me so hung-ee ♪

It's a traditional Norwegian troll. It used to watch me sleep!

Um, I was smoking a cigarette. I know what you were doing. I'm 21 years old. I'm a man.

You've got a... bowl full of olives next to the toilet. It's a fancy party, Britta.

He keeps his toiletries in a safe under the sink.

♪You don't have to put on the red light ♪ Water. Water! Water! Breathe, breathe. Nooooooo!

I gotta say, I hope this is the real one, because I just found a nickel in the hallway.

Clearly you don't understand anything about defeating trolls.

♪evil Troy and evil Abed ♪

Oh, we were wearing this when you called. Yeah, when we dress up, you'll know it.

Me and my partner are top gun fighter pilots, the best of the best. Pew pew pew.

You tried to destroy us... But you only made us... More awesome! No! I'm a j-jealous.

We sewed your butt to your chest! Ha!

By sewing my butt to my chest, you've given me boobs I can touch all day. With what? Noo! Feet hands.

Keep me out of your stupid stories. I didn't say it was you. I said he was a crazy, old, racist doctor. Yeah, and I'm your crazy, old, racist friend.

Yo, Jango, check it out. Swarms of locusts and tornadoes of frogs. I don't care. I lived in New York.

Where was Jeff in that story? And why was my name Jango?

We should never make the Britta of Britta-ing each other's feelings. You're using it wrong. Wow. You Britta'd 'Britta'd.' Yeah, way to pull an Abed. I don't get it.

Should we let him go? Hmm...Let me think. Nah. More Brandy? Don't mind if I do.

♪ Troy and Abed sewn together ♪

Thanks... by the way, that square thing is a Hampton bolt and what you just described is a manacheck maneuver.

Yeah, but anti-inspector had a funny mustache and was kinda rapey.

Will there always be paninis?

I can't feel my pants.

Cool. I can't feel my pants.

I'm gonna eat Spaceman paninis with Black Hitler, and there's nothing you can do about it!

They're not--they couldn't be more or less identical.

So you're going to be what? A plumber? No, I'm not gonna be a plumber either. Because they have to deal with poop.

How old are you guys? The question isn't how old we are... But when old we are!

The question isn't how old we are... But when old we are!

We're here to help you move...on the dance floor.

We're live tweeting Annie's move on Twitter. Hashtag #Annie'sMove.

I had a big breakfast. Nice. Tweeting it!

That's what the security deposit is for. Hashtag #ThatIsAll.

And if the room's a rockin' please come a knockin' because there's something probably terribly wrong.

Well, we'll be spending enough time in yours. I mean, it's where we're gonna watch tv.

Presenting the real-life fairy tale of how princess Annie was saved from bad neighborhood forest by woodsman Troy. And Bebad, his emotionally unavailable unicorn.

Brought to you by the girl-yogurt Jamie Lee Curtis uses to poop.

Read the lease. Especially the part we added in crayon.

Candy cigarette? I don't want a candy cigarette. I want our Annie.

Yes, like where does the water go in the iron? And what's the iron for?

Look out, asteroids! Thanks for getting us to planet Greendalia safely, horsebot 3000.

Aim for his butt. It's his only weakness.

I chose Greendale over city college because of the way that one dude goes...

Feeling stupid

The question is, who am I doing this weekend? - He's asking because he's already forgotten. It's nobody.

Is this about your buttered noodles? - I didn't say that. - Yes! - Into your face!

And--and then we just have to record fake exclusive commentary by Christian Bale. Go ahead, you first. This scene was a special challenge to all involved--

Annie, do you know how many sitcoms have done the 'secretly replace a broken, priceless item' thing? 'Cause Abed does.

I know you think you can think your way out of this with your 'thinkiness,' but don't think too much.

You moving in here was supposed to tone us down.

You mean like a spy investigating, making it seem like I'm celebrating, when actually I'm infiltrating Santa's operation?

Your generation invented music! I don't know about 'invented.' Perfected, maybe.

♪ Santa Claus was born in 1945 He had a boogie woogie Coca-Cola army jive ♪

It would go fourth, seventh, second, fifth, first, third, sixth. No, wait... first then fifth. Fourth, seventh, second, first, fifth, third, sixth.

Inspector spacetime ended up marrying himself as a baby.

Yeah, I could go as normal man and you could be my trusty sidekick ordinario.

Troy and Abed being normal.

We're heavily invested in your situation.

It's a risk that you take together. And you don't just promise it once. You got to promise it every day.

Lame.

What sort of creature would do a dance called the Lindbergh lean? Blorgons?

Don't you do way too much of that already?

He spent New Year's locked in our bathroom with a bad Tom Hanks from Cast Away. / Abed was the volleyball?

Fat Brando. / Burt Reynolds. / What? / What?

Fat Brando. / Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds. / Why not? / Do I have to say it?

Boogie Nights. / You're fat Burt Reynolds, right? / I'll take it.

So we just spent our whole night paying off your debt, and you're blowing money on a Patch Adams?

Then I guess you're gonna have to trust that you're gonna have to trust me.

Another pillow fort? Kind of repeating yourselves, aren't you? That was a blanket fort. This will be a pillow fort. Way more difficult, way better.

All difficult things are better, like carrying a disease or holding in a fart right now.

But if we won, we might meet that dude with the curly fingernails. Shridhar Chillal? Not interested. I saw him on a talk show. He came off as pretentious.

You and Abed have always reminded me of the inspector and his trusty constable Reggie. Cool! The inspector, of course, is smart, decisive, and Reggie is... Well, he's Reggie.

Reggie is trained in zero-gravity martial arts and has a whistle. Yeah. But he never really gets to blow the whistle unless the inspector says it's okay.

Why do I always have to be your Reggie? What? I wanted to make a blanket fort, and you never even gave it a second thought. I'm not even your sidekick. I'm your underkick.

Have fun stacking pillows like a baby.

Yeah, I'll remember that when I'm being given a key to the secret guinness record holders' clubhouse, where I'll be hanging with those two fat guys on motorcycles and being fitted for a beard of bees.

Is that what you want, Troy? For me to destroy my pillow fort so you could set your record? It is. Magnitude. Evacuate fort Abed, and prepare for self-destruct. Sir? Do it. We're done here. Pop, pop, Captain.

He would later say of the war, 'it was awesome, but also, it wasn't?'

Friends so close, they once graced the cover of Friends Weekly, a pretend magazine of their own design.

It's just like crawling through a hug. Well... I guess all hugs have to come to an end.

Troy declares the Declaration Lame, stating that thinking records are dumb is stupid.

I'm giving you an 'all tomato,' meaning that you give me the whole tomato or else.

And I ask Garrett to please fix the microphone on my laptop. It's doing that thing again.

'NOBODY ELSE WILL EVER HAVE MY PATIENCE WITH YOU!'

Our friendship is dead. What? Yeah, I think we should agree right now that whoever wins this war can stay in the apartment. Loser has to find a new place. Agreed.

This is going to be the last thing we ever do together. We can't stop.

We're not stupid, Jeffrey. We know you made those sarcastically.

Best friends, best friends... ♪ Making a cake ♪ - Wait. Ah. ♪ Best friends, best friends ♪ ♪ making a cake ♪ - Pyoo! I never thought I'd miss it.

I don't understand. Uh, Andre much? Okay, I understand. I don't. You will. What's that mean? He's hung. Oh, God!

You're gonna change your shirt? Not if it's working. It's not working. Yeah. You're right. I knew it.

I'll have what she's having. Hey, grow up, lady! Annie! His shirt wasn't working!

Man, I wonder how many women I've affected this way. Ha ha!

Yeah, see that sword? It has two blades. One blade is silver, the other blade is infused with garlic.

You don't know what that means.

I secretly switched Blade's number in her phone to my number. So if she tries to get in touch with him, it'll come to me. That's diabolical. Yeah, you're just like Blade, man. Straight up.

Dean, why are you here? Ouch.

Step right up! Ding, ding, ding! Get your popcorn here. Hello? Busy, babe. Blade, just wait. Wait, Bla... I told you not to call me at work!

You should really join the air conditioning repair program. / No. / Well, that didn't work. That's what I get for improvising.

Y'all ever notice that cold spot in the hallway? Oh, yeah! That thing is freezing! You know what could learn a lesson from that cold spot? The air conditioning unit in my living room.

Y'all ever notice that cold spot in the hallway? Oh, yeah! That thing is freezing! You know what could learn a lesson from that cold spot? The air conditioning unit in my living room.

Y'all ever notice the difference between me and Troy brushing our teeth? I brush my teeth like this. Troy brushes his teeth like this. I do! I do! I brush my teeth just like that.

"Kevin, please come over for gay sex." / "Why wouldn't you use 'Karen'?" / "'Cause it's gay sex, dummy."

"Why wouldn't you use 'Karen'?" "'Cause it's gay sex, dummy."

"Their manager wears a tie."

He said Die Hard was bad. / I know, buddy.

"I don't usually support lunch because it's unfair to breakfast."

"I guess that explains why you never see any two of them on the same table."

"That's laser tag with sport coats."

Annie's bedroom makeover disaster and the guys' traumatic reaction

"We can put it back. We can put it back the way it was."

It's been a long 15 years. Looks like it's gonna be a late night

It's not a short straw. It's a hot potato. Yeah, well, looks pretty cold to me

We can't both do the zinger

Actually it is. I used to live with him, it's kind of adorable

Cut yourself on an extra sharp Oscar Wilde play?

You can dance all day, Todd, but sooner or later, the music's gonna change

That doesn't make sense. You don't order ketchup. It's a condiment!

And you're sure you heard a kitten meowing in here? Not anymore, so hurry up

Clean up on aisle 'busted'

Why do they always r... Why do they always... You go ahead. Why do they always run?

Todd Jacobson, you have the right to do whatever you want. Nothing you say or do can be used against you by anyone, but we'd really like it if you came with us. Please and thank you

Abed! Abed! Abed! Walk it off! Walk it off!

I'm sorry about my partner. He... he's been on edge ever since we switched

Why don't we have bunk bed conversations?

Oh, it was done about a week ago. Then why are you still here?

♪ Troy and Abed, off to Dreamland ♪ ♪ catching the train to Sleepytown ♪ ♪ and when they wake up ♪ ♪ the Dean'll be here ♪ ♪ staring at you ♪

Sweet deans. That's nice... I guess

How one-armed was he? Tell me when to stop.

It was the other arm.

Pai Mai? It's Troy. Are you okay? Okay, good, I gotta go. This costs $7.

Have you seen Tim Russert?

Why did you always poop with the stall door open?

Britta! Why are you making us feel these things?

Look, tiny riot gear. Aww.

That makes this the perfect timeline.

It's bagel bites in a deconstructed hot pocket reduction with a doritos glaze.

See? Cool. Abed brought delicious police.

Hello? Rich people, Troy's joining you. Yes, I'll hold.

Troy, you can't bring that in here. / Yes, I can. It's all-terrain, dummy.

Karate championship, second place! Now I'll be unstoppable. Oyay!

Take that back. Our adventures are very manly.

You mean committed to his character work, right? Because he already is. Abed, show him your Don Draper. / Cigarettes.

Please, Mr. Dr. psychiatrist, sir, please don't send my best friend to crazy people jail.

I'm a fake psychiatrist, not a fake ethnologist. / He's Arabic. / Also Polish.

Troy, why don't we open up the phone lines? / Talk to us, lonely hearts.

may your dreams be sweet and your nightmares be 'spooky monster' scary and not 'grandma died' scary.

Which one is me? I assume nothing because I'm not racist.

I'll check it out. I owe Jeff that. I wasn't gonna say it. - Lesbian.

Man, why can't my mom be here? She always said my video game Knowledge would come in handy. I never believed her.

This is so cool.

I've never felt this way before. - Abed, don't get weird.

Troy and abed shooting lava

We boring you? I miss my friends.

Troy, there is a prophesy. I miss Abed so much.

Troy, there is a prophesy. / I miss Abed so much.

Troy, there is a prophesy. / I miss Abed so much.

It's a trade school. It's a two-year degree in boxes that make rooms cold.

May his breeze join the wind.

And I have the right to challenge him... In the sun chamber. Holy crap.

Gentlemen, take this man to the infinite labyrinth of eternal ice. Yes! No! No, take him to the police. He murdered someone. Take him to jail. You guys are weird.

Yeah, I made a new rule that the air conditioning repair school has to act like a regular school. I can do that because I'm their messiah.

I've decided I'm going to do senioritis this year. You know, just hangin' out and blowin' off classes, pullin' pranks, not sayin' my 'G's.

Last year, Troy wished we got Bin Laden and the Dorito Taco. Yeah, but Obama got credit for both.

F-i-n-e or f-y-n-e? We made one of 'em a code for 'not fine.'

He's gonna come in here later and have the creepy feeling someone was in here.

Let's move everything on his desk over an inch except his stapler. Then he'll think we moved his stapler.

That sounds messy! (excited)

Heels. Oh, you got skills.

The first wish is always for 1,000 wishes.

No wishes containing the word 'all.' Guaranteed ironic consequences.

Star Wars, Thumb Wars, wow, Storage Wars!

You can't flip a wish. That's ridiculous. Your rules are ridiculous.

Unwish! Ununwish. Rewish.

Ah, great! My 'G's are back.

This isn't a conversation, is it?

Whoo-hoo! The sad, slow march toward death begins. Senioritis!

The fountain works.

Get ready to run. In these heels?

Ooh, that's right. Better not miss the Merlot. Clink! What? You fall into it.

got killed by Jeff.

Ding, ding, ding! To your corners, fighters. Someone save me a towel.

don't be. I've been locked in way worse places than this. Oh, not against my will.

Tubular.

It's Pierce's special gym. He never let me use it, 'cause he thinks I'm a child. He's hiding the indoor swing, and I'm the child.

pressured to what? - To fulfill her expectations. Expectations of what? Never mind. - Unsatisfied with what?

I totally want to do that.

Wait, was there a female inspector? Yes. And everyone hates her. Not because they're sexist. Because she sucks.

She's such a... Both: Minerva.

What if they get hit by a car or fall down a well?

It's Troy! You know it's Troy! Okay, it's the first part of Troy and Abed.

Toby and Abed in the Morning? That's ridiculous. I'm not psycho!

In England, Cadbury creme eggs are sold year-round. I thought that was just a legend.

David doesn't actually exist, does he? You're mad. Nothing you've said can prove that. Except that when we met you said his name was Andrew. Bollocks.

Because I have. Oh, my God. He can make a fist. That would hurt harder than a slap.

I don't get history. If I wanted to know what happened in Europe a long time ago, I'd watch Game of Thrones.

Troy, that show takes place in a fantasy realm. This class is about the real world. - [Gasps] - Not the show. You need to think before you speak.

Should I release the tear gas, or has that ship sank?

Is it inside? Is it outside? You find out. We challenge you to taste the bread. This coupon is a $5 bill.

Oh, my family's a normal religion, so I have to talk to them for five minutes before I get a casserole that's all marshmallow.

I knew it was too good to be true.

Let's carve that jive turkey!

Got that out of your system? Yeah.

This is the Jonestown of dinners.

I feel like I'm in jail. And you know what happens to guys like me in jail. They get really into push-ups, and I am fine with my upper body the way it is!

Not fake sick. Real sick.

I drew a map of your house on my stomach.

we can get through this plan, which is to put you in the trash can, take you out like trash, but we got to dress you like a baby.

The history of ice cream class had another heart attack. Three more, and we're all in.

I'm going to call you 'Houlihan.' 'Partner' and 'Houlihan.'

In an investigation, one dude always has to go opposite the other dude. That's how they get things done. Well, you guys can work it out. Yeah, we will. No, we won't.

This is Houlihan. I'm her partner, Partner. Wait, I'm Partner. No, you're not.

Well, looks like everything checks out here. Right, Troy? No, Houlihan, I don't think anything checks out here.

Growing up, I had a cat named Troy, a bird named Troy, and a hamster named Troy. They were all older than me.

If you don't like the crispy-licious taste of Let's, feel free to eat that other greasy brand. Splingles? Not this guy.

I'm in. Sounds like a romper.

I made room in my trophy case. Then, I remembered classes don't give out trophies, so I put a fishbowl there instead.

Keep yo hands to yourself! Running will get you five laps, mister! I will come in that shower and kick yo bare ass!

Get your damn hand off of my Let's!

Honestly, after all that, you still eat splingles? Uh, yeah, Troy. Splingles have 30% less fat. They're the fit chip.

Britta for the whoops!

That guy's like teflon. No matter how much awful stuff he does, he keep getting another chance. Yeah, he's like the Colin Farrell of people.

You think two dates is crazy? Planning a dance is hijinks city, population hijinks.

Get some ice? Wacky ice. The ice will be wacky.

All I need is a disguise. Or you could just go to the supply closet and get some more chips. Okay, but I-I still need to use the moustache probably.

Did she tell you she plays the saw? I thought she was in an all-girl kazoo band? They need a rhythm section, duh.

Because you have something in your teeth. A lot of somethings. I do? What is it? Ooh, I can't tell in this light. But it's definitely there.

No, don't! Because you have something in your teeth. A lot of somethings. I do? What is it? Ooh, I can't tell in this light. But it's definitely there. You should probably check it out in the bathroom. Maybe the second floor one? Better light.

Dean, puppet Kevin here thinks I should have a candy bar right now. No, you know how it winds you up. Fine. We'll split it. All right. Got money, bro? He's not what he seems!

Britta said, 'Open your eyes, people.' Square. Nice.

This game is gay. Square.

That's not a very Christian thing to do. Square.

Can we go back to studying now? Square. I don't like this game. Me neither. I think it's mean. There's no point. Yeah, it's insulting. Okay, stop. Square.

But to be fair, there's not many things you could be stuck in. Elevators. Bad marriages. A peat bog. On a flight in the middle seat. Time loops. The bottom of a well. Your own emotions. Quicksand. Okay, stop! Square.

Hey, whose dad has a vintage Ferrari?

♪ Could we travel through time? or maybe see France? or anywhere else naked ladies will dance? ♪

If we fly to heaven, please don't tell my grandpa about me and Britta.

Oh, damn you, gravity! Damn you, prayer! Damn you, Vicki!

I'm alive. Square.

We'll be stranded here forever, and I've never seen blue man group!

♪ my hand just made a rainbow ♪ ♪ Magic, magic ♪ ♪ well, these magical berries put us in a drug seq-- ♪

♪ I caused the Greendale fire of '03 55 acres went up in a blaze All because I burned an ant hill ♪

I was hoping we could do a Die Hard in a restaurant. There's a place called Nakatomi Sushi. I hear the Hans Grouper is to die for.

Yippee-ki-yay, Father Christmas. I tried to get you 'taking off shoes,' but I didn't know how to wrap it.

Not this guy.

Both: Of? Your first date? - Oh! - Da-doy.

That was a test, and you failed. - I was just kidding.

Both: Oh... That, you remember?

Judge Reinhold. Both: Oh.

[Stilted] Me? I wish I was more like you. No emotional hang-ups, endless cool adventures. You have it so easy. No, you do, Troy. No, you do, Abed.

Both: I wish I could switch places with you for just one day! [Babbling gibberish]

[Direct, as Abed] Yes. That would be this day.

Mm. Mm-hmm. [Chuckles] Whoa! That was weird. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. We didn't mean to do that. We know exactly where we sit.

Both: Oh, thank God, you noticed.

He's like the pick-up sticks of people.

I'm both starving and another word for wanting food.

Nice try. That's the remake. In the original, the mom and daughter simply exclaimed, 'I wish I could switch places with you for just one day,' like we did. In that one, there's a magic fortune cookie.

First, that's a terrible movie. Second, I understand why you're frustrated, it's in your nature, but this is happening.

The Greenpeace one you haven't gotten yet because you're afraid of needles.

Both: I wish I had my own body back! [Babbling gibberish]

Oh, man. Football is fun. That is an interest I have. Also plumbing and air conditioning are things I think about.

he did seem disappointed that the operation didn't involve sleeping with a Russian woman, then waking up in a bathtub full of ice

Yeah, I don't remember her at all.

Can I have some corn nuts? Wah! No! Nooooo!

You just go wherever they tell you to run. I'm sorry. Do you go to my school?

What a dweeb. Yeah, what a dweeb.

I don't get it. We just had Christmas, and now it's warm outside. Of course it is, dummy. We just finished fall-spring semester. Bring on summer-winter.

So now you're leaving me out. No, we're leaving Jeff out. So I'm not even the one who gets left out anymore.

I brought it. I-I just drank it all.

It's called 'The Troy-jan Horse.' It goes bread, lettuce, ham, ham, bacon, chocolate--

If you call a sandwich a 'Troy-jan Horse,' people are going to think there's horse in it. Oh, my dreams.

After I got shot, I faked my death to teach you all a lesson. Lesson about what? Who can remember? It was more than a year ago.

Ballin'.

Ooh. Burn on Britta. Sorry, seven.

How many times have I told you, the show doesn't really exist. No one's watching. Duh-doy. We know. Yeah, we're just messing around.

Well, you guys just got sprung from this joint, and I figured you had careers to get started. - Yeah, working hard. - Ah, yes. [All talking over each other] [Conversation peters out]

This is where we became a family. [Chuckles] Jeff made us a family.

Zach Braff was only in the first six episodes. That son of a bitch. After everything scrubs did for him?

At least the drugs I sell don't get slurped out of my belly button. That's only on Tummy Tuesdays!

Troy, your entire identity has been consumed by your relationship with another man. You found my Clive Owen Tumblr.

See, he does a voice-over wrap-up at the end of every episode. - Wow. - Cool.

I'd rather just stop at the meat store.

This is how they comfort victims in movies.

Is better than a quarter in your butt.

♪ Troy and Abed are in mourning ♪

I don't think the audience got that we were singing 'mourning' with a 'u'. / You were singing 'mourning' with a 'u'? / Oh, no.

By the time Pierce was my age, he had already been fired from 15 jobs. I've only seen two Police Academies. The last two.

Yeah, what a waste of murder. I mean, he was, like, 79.

Troy Barnes. / D'oh! I meant to say, 'butts Carlton.'

We may have a designated rendezvous point and a couple of bugout bags filled with gold coins and condoms just in case we need to bargain our way onto a boat.

It's a doomsday plan, not a picnic plan. Do you really wanna see the horrors we might have to endure just to get on a boat?

Is that why my review of The Grey is constantly changing? / Yes, stop giving it four stars. / I like Liam Neeson! / Then send him a message about the roles he chooses.

That's jacket money.

Your rating system is flawed.

If you want to collect women's underwear, can't you just buy them? / They have to be won in battle.

Why do you keep bread in the freezer? And why does your bathroom mirror say, 'You're special,' when you fog it up?

Okay! I did it! Okay? I killed Pierce! Lie. Okay, good. Just making sure.

Silence, wench! Hi, I'm Kevin, this is Kyle, and here's a fun handshake you can do with your best friend.

I invented an entire language, you fliztbarping gitzgorg.

I've never been to Legoland. I just wanted you guys to think I was cool.

Maybe it's because everyone else got one, and because it's an old man's semen, but, um, I'm kind of disappointed.

Millions of dollars. And being a man or whatever he said.

I should leave all the time

Oh, announcements! Announcements! Oh, I love these. Whoo! Announcements!

I guess that actually looked the way it did in my head

I'll always remember you as kind of slowing us down and complaining a lot

♪ Troy and Abed in a bubble ♪

Sorry about our butts touching

El esta muerto para siempre. Shut up. Callate. What? Que?

Jib-jabbing?

I'm better at sex than Jeff, right? I've yet to have anyone worse

You made a furniture fortress. You're the badass from our study group

Why don't they call it Planet Trek? You never go to a star. Not one episode

Well, get ready to stop.

Have you met the women that do like me, Jeff? Neither have I, but trust me, they're bad people.

Kids with cleft palates should have extra food, not less. I'm in.

I don't like this 'my-kale' guy. I don't think he likes himself, or he'd pronounce it 'Michael.'

I-I just don't like being left behind! My father got drunk in pubs and left me in my room with nothing! So did mine! Oh, why would he do that? Why do they do that? Why?

Between a Thighmaster and a Dick Tracy Burger King glass.

Door's busted. Landlord's in jail and money's tight.

No, Anthony. Just cut the carrots. / I don't think you heard his question. The answer is yes.

Can't microwave a relationship like a burrito.

Ain't living with your 'keep cutting carrots or ask if he can poop' brother.

When we were kids, Anthony and I would play Time Machine. We would go, 'Oh, no. We're in barbarian times. Quick. Back to the time machine.' And then we would run back to the time machine.

Pa-pa-papaya. Mango. Strawberry. - Too ripe.

It's 3 dollars. What are you playing? That's control software for some kind of irrigation equipment.

Are any of you white people noticing what's happening to this group? Do Abed and I need to be concerned?