Early 21st Century Romanticism

Troy:Will you marry me? You're the keeper of all knowledge, the guardian of wisdom itself.

Abed:That's sweet, but... do libraries even exist anymore?

Troy:What?

Abed:I'm serious. When was the last time you went to one?

Troy:You're like a book I want to read over and over again.

Abed:That's sweet, but also kind of clingy.

Troy:Well, you're a really good book!

Abed:Now you're just describing a book.

Troy:A book... with really nice illustrations.

Abed:Are you saying I have nice illustrations?

Troy:Really nice ones. But here's my concern—what if someone draws wieners in you?

Abed:I've been thinking about ways to interact with the librarian. What if I get her to shush me? That could be flirtation.

Jeff:That's not flirtation, that's just you being annoying.

Abed:No, think about it. The shush is intimate. It's personal. She's literally telling me to be quiet, which means she's aware of me.

Britta:Or it means she wants you to leave her alone.

Abed:Same thing.

Troy:Hey! HEY! We need help over here!

Abed:Yeah, we've been trying to get your attention for like five minutes!

Troy:This is ridiculous, we're being as loud as—

Abed:Shh! Shh! The librarian's looking over here.

Troy:*fake snoring*

Troy:Jeff, I need relationship advice. What should I do?

Jeff:Well Troy, first you start by talking to her. Then you listen to what she says. Then you do things.

Troy:Things?

Jeff:Romantic things. Thoughtful things. The things that make relationships work.

Troy:That's actually pretty good advice.

Jeff:Of course it is. I'm very experienced at relationships. Mostly at ending them, but still.

Troy:You really need to open your heart to people, Jeff. Let them in. Stop being so guarded all the time.

Jeff:Okay, when's the deadline?

Troy:There is no deadline, Jeff. It's not something you can schedule.

Jeff:So you're saying I have until end of business?

Jeff:I'm really trying to open up here, and you're going to make a joke?

Britta:Sorry, sorry. You're right. Continue.

Jeff:I just feel like... I need to let people in. Stop being so guarded.

Britta:That's great. That's really mature.

Jeff:Yeah, well, I'm gonna add it to my emotional to-do list. Right after 'learn to cry' and 'stop being a narcissist.'

Britta:You made a list?

Jeff:I color-coded it.

Annie:Pierce, what are you chewing on?

Pierce:Nothing! I'm not chewing on anything.

Annie:Your mouth is moving.

Pierce:That's just how my face looks now, okay? It's called getting old. You'll understand when you're not so annoyingly perfect.

Britta:Troy, Page might not be interested in you. She could be into women.

Troy:Wait, into women? Like, she likes to hang out with them?

Britta:No, Troy. Romantically interested in women.

Troy:Oh! Oh no. I thought you meant she had a thing for, like, female action movies or something.

Troy:So, uh, Britta... I heard you might be... you know... into girls?

Britta:Well, I'm... I'm... I'm... lesbian.

Britta:Pierce, I know what you're about to say, and I'm warning you—

Pierce:Actually, I prepared a statement. *pulls out paper* 'I, Pierce Hawthorne, do hereby acknowledge that my previous comments were inappropriate and hurtful. Going forward, I commit to being more thoughtful and considerate in my interactions with all members of this study group.'

Pierce:I have prepared a statement regarding Britta and the lesbian community. While some may find certain aspects of alternative lifestyles... unconventional, we must remember that tolerance and understanding are the cornerstones of a civilized society. Britta, we support you and your... choices. So bon appétit.

Pierce:I've prepared a statement. Britta, you are a woman of many talents and I respect you deeply.

Britta:Wow, Pierce, that's... that's really sweet. Thank you.

Pierce:I also have a prepared statement for Jeff.

Jeff:Oh?

Pierce:Jeff, you are a terrible person and I hope you die.

Annie:Pierce, what is that? Is that gum?

Pierce:Gum? This isn't gum, it's a suppository. Whoop whoop whoop whoop!

Pierce:Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Ooh ooh ooh!

Annie:Yeah, but Pierce can't even use a computer. He thinks the internet is a series of tubes.

Troy:That's not fair. Pierce is very tech-savvy for his generation.

Annie:Troy, last week he asked me how to 'turn on the Google.'

Jeff:Pierce listens to everything I say. I could tell him the Barenaked Ladies are the greatest band of all time and he'd believe me.

Pierce:They ARE the greatest band of all time!

Jeff:See?

Jeff:Barenaked Ladies? Really? They're not even a real band.

Annie:Not a real band? Jeff, they've sold millions of albums! They're Canadian icons! Their wordplay is clever, their melodies are infectious, and 'One Week' is a masterpiece of rapid-fire pop perfection!

Jeff:Annie, they sing about how they like their eggs in the morning. That's not art, that's a breakfast order.

Annie:It's whimsical! It's relatable! Not everything has to be dark and brooding to be valid!

Jeff:...Did you just passionately defend a song about eggs?

Annie:Yes. Yes, I did.

Annie:The Barenaked Ladies are a legitimate Canadian rock band with multiple platinum albums!

Jeff:Annie, they're called the Barenaked Ladies. That's not a band name, that's a description of what happens at their concerts.

Annie:That's completely unfair! And for your information, they have an acronym: BNL.

Jeff:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me a band called the Barenaked Ladies needed to abbreviate their name? What were they afraid of? That people would figure out what 'barenaked' means?

Annie:I am NOT a control freak! I am a woman with standards, organizational skills, and a laminated color-coded filing system that would make the Library of Congress weep with envy!

Annie:We're having a fight!

Duncan:You don't know anything about soccer, do you?

Jeff:I know plenty about soccer. I watch it all the time.

Duncan:Name one player.

Jeff:...Soccer players.

Jeff:I promised the study group I'd be here.

Duncan:Well, it's half past the ferret now, so you're already seventeen minutes late in British time.

Duncan:Let's meet at a quarter past the witching hour, shall we? That's roughly three-eighths of the way through a fortnight, in British time.

Chang:Wow Pierce, that moonwalk was incredible!

Pierce:Thanks Chang. You know, I'm so high right now, I can't even tell if you're real or just a hallucination.

Chang:I'm real, Pierce.

Pierce:That's exactly what a hallucination would say.

Chang:You know what? Doctors are just people. And some people are idiots. So statistically, some doctors are idiots. Your doctor might be an idiot.

Abed:I've conducted a comprehensive analysis of romantic compatibility metrics. Based on standard deviation curves and behavioral pattern recognition, I've determined optimal conditions for relationship initiation.

Abed:However, I must note that human emotional variables remain largely unpredictable, which is frustrating because my spreadsheet only goes to column Z.

Shirley:What's in that briefcase?

Troy:We don't know.

Abed:We're afraid to open it.

Shirley:Well, open it!

Troy:Okay...

Abed:It's just... office supplies.

Troy:Thank God. I thought we were gonna have to share it with everyone.

Annie:So if you're a lesbian, does that mean you're only attracted to women, or...?

Britta:Well, it's more complicated than that. See, sexuality exists on a spectrum, right? So technically a lesbian could be attracted to someone who identifies as a woman but has masculine energy, or a woman who's exploring her gender identity, or even a non-binary person who presents femininely on certain days depending on the lunar cycle and their emotional availability.

Annie:So... yes or no?

Britta:Exactly.

Annie:Oh! You're not the Dean's administrative assistant?

Page:Oh! You're not here about the parking violation?

Annie:Oh! So you ARE the Dean's assistant!

Page:Oh! Then YOU'RE here about the parking violation!

Both:Oh...

Annie:Wait, you thought I was a lesbian?

Britta:Well, yeah. The way you dress, your short hair, how you're always talking about your feelings...

Annie:I'm just organized! And I have a thyroid condition!

Britta:Oh my God, I'm so sorry. That's so offensive.

Annie:No, wait—I thought YOU were a lesbian.

Britta:What? Why would you think that?

Annie:Because you're always going on about being progressive and alternative, and you wear those weird boots...

Britta:These are just boots, Annie!

Britta:I'm just really embracing my lesbian identity right now.

Britta:Annie's the one who's actually confused about her sexuality, but sure, let's focus on me.

Duncan:This is going to be the greatest soccer match of all time!

Jeff:Yeah, well, it's currently 0-0, so I'm really on the edge of my seat watching two teams accomplish nothing.

Jeff:Calling his phone a slut

Chang:Ha! Chang, like 'change,' because I'm always changing things up! Whoop whoop whoop whoop!

Chang:What's with all the British terminology?

Duncan:Well, in Britain we have a word for everything. A lift is an elevator, a flat is an apartment, and a bathroom is a place where you go to take a bath, which is insane.

Chang:I want to order a pizza.

Duncan:Well, you'll need to use the pizza box.

Chang:The pizza box?

Duncan:Yes, everything means vagina.

Jeff:Chang, just use the landline.

Chang:Alexander Graham Bell? More like Alexander Graham *Hell* — because that's where this conversation is going!

Troy:I'm a complete package. I've got everything you need.

Troy:HBO, Showtime, premium channels, sports packages...

Troy:I'm basically cable TV.

Britta:You know what? Let's give them something to really talk about.

Page:What do you mean?

Britta:I mean, let's commit to a fake lesbian performance. Right here, right now.

Page:Wait, are you serious?

Britta:Completely serious. Let's do it.

Jeff:Come on! That was a clear foul! What are you, blind?! That's complete bollocks! Absolute rubbish! You're a wanker, ref!

Leonard:Well, hello there. I didn't know this was a party. Where's the music? Where are the girls?

Leonard:You know, this reminds me of that scene in Blazing Saddles where—

Jeff:Okay, we're not doing this.

Jeff:Leonard, no. Just... no.

Magnitude:Pop! Pop!

Abed:And that's why the Saw franchise represents a postmodern deconstruction of the American dream filtered through the lens of torture porn—which I've now spent the last six hours analyzing in excruciating detail.

Abed:I've watched all seven films back-to-back and created a comprehensive breakdown of every trap mechanism and its symbolic relationship to Jigsaw's childhood trauma.

Abed:Cool. Cool cool cool.

Abed:Here, Troy.

Pierce:Annie, you're a— you're a terrible person and I hope you die in a fire!

Annie:What?!

Pierce:I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I took some of those pills that Jeff gave me. They're making me say terrible things.

Britta:Oh yeah, we're really committed to this bit—

Crowd Member:You're disgusting! Both of you!

Britta:Okay, that's... that's actually hurtful.

Page:Yeah, we were just joking around.

Crowd Member:Freaks! Go back to wherever you came from!

Britta:You know what? Forget it. This isn't funny anymore.

Britta:I didn't choose Abed because he's obsessed with that Saw movie franchise.

Troy:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Abed's appreciation for the Saw films is actually a sophisticated study of how the series deconstructs American capitalism and examines the value of human life in a post-industrial economy. The traps aren't just torture devices—they're philosophical metaphors.

Abed:My date went terrible. She said my pop culture references were immature.

Troy:What? That's insane! Pop culture IS culture!

Abed:Right? I mean, what's the difference between analyzing a Tarantino film and analyzing Shakespeare?

Troy:Exactly! And Shakespeare wrote about the same stuff anyway — murder, betrayal, people yelling—

Abed:See?

Troy:Wait, is Shakespeare pop culture? Is he? Because if he's not, I've been defending something I don't understand for three minutes.

Jeff:Who is this guy?

Duncan:That's Magnitude. He's always saying 'Pop pop!'

Magnitude:Pop pop!

Jeff:Chang, what are you doing in my apartment?

Chang:Oh hey Jeff, I was just borrowing some stuff.

Jeff:Borrowing? Chang, you don't even live here!

Chang:Yeah, but your underwear is really comfortable.

Chang:I've been living here for three months.

Jeff:Wait, you've been living in the study room?

Chang:Where else was I supposed to go? My apartment got repossessed.

Britta:Oh my God, Chang, that's horrible.

Chang:It's not so bad. I keep my clothes in the refrigerator and my shoes in the microwave.

Chang:I got a pet. Two pets actually.

Jeff:Chang, no.

Chang:I named one Jeff.

Jeff:Why would you do that?

Chang:So when I call 'Jeff!' one of them comes running. It's like having you, but obedient.

Jeff:Okay everyone out! Out! I need this room cleared immediately. And I'm taking names. Leonard? Out. Vance? Gone. And you, what's your name?

Background Character:Uh, Quendra.

Jeff:Quendra? Out! You too, Stacey Kimball Epstein. And Stacey Kimball Epstein's friend, Varnabicus.

Jeff:I guess I'm like the Statue of Liberty. You know, I stand there looking all impressive, and troubled people just show up.

Jeff:No messages at all.

Jeff:You know what's scary? Change. You know what's a nightmare? Admitting you need help. But you know what's really terrifying? Admitting you need help and then actually following through with it. At least for me.

Pierce:You know what? I'm gonna get in on this. I'm sensing an opportunity here.

Pierce:Two young guys reconnecting? That's a growth market. I'm thinking a line of friendship bracelets, maybe some matching outfits.

Pierce:We could franchise it. 'Troy and Abed's Excellent Adventure Merchandise.' I'll handle distribution.

Pierce:I have a confession to make. I've been unfaithful.

Chang:What?!

Pierce:I cheated on my wife. It says right here on this card: 'Roses are red, violets are blue, I cheat because I love you.'

Chang:Pierce, that's not what it says.

Pierce:Then what does it say?

Chang:It says 'I cheat...to be with you.' It's about playing cards.