Ben Chang

Chang:like building a wall that can be seen from space.

Chang:In Spanish, my nickname is... [long pause] ...because my wisdom could devour you!

Chang:So don't question Mr. Chang or he'll bite you. Yes, I'll bite you. Yes, I bite!

Chang:Do you understand, 'Star Burns'?

Chang · Pierce:Why are there costumes? These are short dialogues, you're not supposed to... - Leave you breathless? Well, it will.

Chang:'F'. 'F' para abajo. ¿Qué? ¿Acaso dijo 'S'?

Chang:No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! It's unacceptable, all right? You lied to me! When you say something starts at 9:00, it starts at nueve!

Chang · Vaughn:¿Donde vaughn ustedes los sábados? Domingo, pl-- Oh, okay

Chang:Otherwise known as a crib sheet. Who did it, huh? Marianne? [comical voice] grandpa? Jackee?

Chang:there's one asian stereotype that does apply to me. whoever did this insulted my honor.

Chang:or mr. miyagi here will wax off everyone's score and the whole class gets a cero!

Chang:it was a tuesday, uh, crack of dawn, 5:58 a.m. i got up, i took my morning deuce, i made a breakfast consisting of..

Chang:if you know what i mean.

Chang:shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!

Chang:it is on like donkey kong!

Chang:are you saying my people are sneaky?

Chang:Professor slater doesn't date students. Or married asians who drive mopeds.

Chang:i think the words that you're looking for Are 'i own a cowboy outfit.' And it is tight too. did you buy it like that? Your toy gun to my head, i'd say yes.

Chang:why is urkel ripping the antenna Off professor slater's car?

Chang:I've got the body of a fifth grader, okay? If i was working with what you've got, She'd be at the comfort inn right now Giving me a mexican halloween.

Chang:Please sleep with me. please. Pretty please. i'm so lonely. I haven't slept with anyone in a very long time, And you are so good looking. Please do me the favor of having sex with me.

Chang:she was the 'typhoid mary' of herpes.

Chang:i'm kind of the hawkeye around here

Chang:the consequences of questioning authority.

Chang:oh, six pages on ignorance.

Chang:20 pages on ass kissing!

Chang:okay, freud.

Chang:I pleasured that woman greatly.

Chang:essay canceled. sha-clackey.

Chang:oh, oh, i didn't say everybody. It's for my new friend jeff.

Chang:Because, while both are dirty, Neither are my friends.

Chang:cherry daiquiri!

Chang:Let me rest gently on your pecs.

Chang:although, winger, You should write a one-page essay called taking advantage of the emotionally-vulnerable.

Chang:No more 20-page essays due on monday!

Chang:[thud] booyah.

Chang:taking advantage of the emotionally-vulnerable.

Chang:I'll allow it.

Chang:So...I have finished grading everyone's finals, And all of you are moving on. [cheers] except... For jeff. Turns out you-- Pause for dramatic effect-- Will be seeing me next semester. - [shrieking] noooooooo! - In spanish 102! Because he passed, you know.

Chang:That was a professional actress. I am a man who can never die.

Chang:Yeah. Clearly, none of my other plans fell through.

Chang:I must have missed that.

Chang:What if he said, 'it's a good day for...' And you said, 'for being gay'?

Chang:Dude, even I know you're lame, and I'm a tenured professor sitting in a beanbag chair.

Chang:She read in a book that it wouldn't make a difference.

Chang:Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. My bullcrap meter's going crazy.

Chang:And yours is signed, 'love, troy'?

Chang:Looks like the law firm of seacrest and slumdog's Taking the day off.

Chang:They're telling me I can name my price? Oh, my god. At princeton? Come on!

Chang:Tonight, you are my bitches.

Chang · Students:Guys! Class is over. I'm trying to get you to leave. Oh...Cool. Pick that up.

Chang:If all chinese were psychic, you would have started... Using birth control centuries ago.

Chang:And it's none of your business, but I ate my twin in utero.

Chang · Ben:Señor Chang? Yeah. Ben, do you realize how ridiculous that sounds? Okay, that is who I am. So drop it!

Chang:Yes, I was robbed at the ymca. Again.

Dean · Chang:And we ruled out your teacher, Because he has a crippling fear of frogs. I told you that in confidence!

Chang:I play paintball three times a week, bro. I'm even one of those douche bags That brings in his own equipment.

Chang:Buenos dias, children. Critical media literacy and politics of gender, biatch!

Chang:Maybe it's the fact there's no such thing As priority registration. Or...Maybe it's this. Ta-DA!

Chang:Hola, el losers.

Chang:Other side of the door.

Chang · Jeff:Two questions. Where did you get it, could you have prevented being caught, and how? One question. Where did you learn to count questions and are you telling me you need a fake degree?

Jeff · Chang:Did you say 'key-tar' or did you just pronounce guitar like a hillbilly? Key-tar. It's a keyboard you can play like a guitar. Get with the times, man.

Chang:I faked my way into a job as a Spanish teacher at a community college relying on phrases from sesame street.

Chang:That was the chair. Good. Good.

Jeff · Chang:If the Dean finds out that I'm not a real teacher, your grades are invalid, and you'll all have to repeat this class. That was the chair.

Jeff · Chang:You're wearing protective goggles to destroy my car? Safety first!

Chang:Oh, oh, uh, we're writing a song. For the battle of bands.

Chang · Jeff:At one point, I was teaching you Klingon! Yeah? Why don't you tell that to your really weird sounding magical chair? I have a condition!

Chang:I was showing Annie the magic of electronic sampling. No--no--no--no-- no--no--nooooooo!

Chang:No, Jorge, you killed it.

Jeff · Chang:Is there a word in Spanish for someone who used to pretend to be a professor, but was a teacher, but wasn't actually a teacher, and he's now a student? Oh, if it was in Spanish, you wouldn't know, would you?

Chang:I give this year a 'D' for 'delightful'.

Chang:Subject's talkin' my changuage.

Chang:Consider yourself Chang-ed.

Chang:Gaaaa-yyyy! Ha. Gay fact.

Chang · Mirror Chang:But they're my friends. I'm your only friend! No. Hah hah hah! No! Ah hah hah hah! Noooooo!

Chang · unknown character:Word has it on campus that Winger's too busy hanging out with his cool new lawyer friend. - Ha. Slow news day.

Chang · Chang:You actually think anybody cares? - Um, checking in for the Heather pop and locklears.

Chang · Announcer:It hurts! Shamone...It hurts! - Ben, you need to switch up your moves.

Chang:Noooooo! I been popping and locking for five hours, and you threw it all away!

Jeff · Chang · Troy:The contest doesn't matter. What's important is we have each other. Then...Can I be in your study group? Well, that wasn't the deal. We lost, so...

Jeff · Chang · Jeff:The contest doesn't matter. What's important is we have each other. - Then...Can I be in your study group? - Well, that wasn't the deal. We lost, so...

Chang:Proceed, dr. Teeth.

Jeff · Chang:There is no god! / Tell us how you really feel. Am I right?

Chang:Now, this is why I came to america.

Chang:Why do they have star ratings?

Chang:I tried to buy us some time with these double-icious sandwiches, but they thought I was doing product integration for KFC.

Chang:Shirley and I totally did it!

Chang:Apparently, it means getting fondled by singing mental cases.

Chang:Yeah, you made me need to cry in the shower tonight.

Chang:how 'bout ten more seconds on that third button, huh?

Jeff · Chang:We didn't know how to reach you. / That's not a true. That's a lie. / It's a mixer. We didn't know how to reach you. / It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer.

Chang:Works every time.

Jeff · Chang:You can't talk and then do a slow clap. / You don't know that.

Chang:Unless you want a front row seat to Annie loves Richie, it's time to Chang your point of view.

Chang:Shirley, since I might be the father of your unborn child, I made you a mix tape. I hope you like Johnny Gill.

Chang · Shirley:Are you ignoring me because I'm Korean? You're Chinese. Oh, there's a difference?

Chang · Jeff:Did someone say crazy person? No. Well, I heard it.

Chang:I'm gonna deep-fry your dog and eat your mama's face and I'm gonna wear your little brother's skin like pajamas.

Chang:Is that all you've got?

Chang:It's okay. I did a lot of ad-libbing.

Narrator · Chang:At the end of the meeting, they realized that Chang had been there and felt too awkward to mention it

Narrator · Chang:And so it was that the group began to describe themselves walking. And as they described themselves walking, so did Abed confirm that they walked... I walk with them. Until...

Chang · Pierce:That moonwalk back there was streets ahead, buddy. Hey, thanks, buddy. Hey, Pierce! Hey, it's you! Yeah. The tiny man you see when you take enough pills.

Chang:Pierce, if doctors are so smart, why are there millions of 'em?

Chang:Don't mind if I Chang! Heh heh. Hey, man, check this out. Ya-haa! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Chang · Duncan:Hey. In England, fanny means vagina, right? In England, everything means vagina.

Jeff · Chang:Cellie... Ah. Go use the landline. Landline? Okay, grandma Bell.

Jeff · Chang:Are you wearing my underwear? Oh. I just needed a pair while I did some laundry here. I don't have a washing machine.

Chang:I'm homeless, Jeff, okay? When my wife found out about Shirley and me, she kicked me out... For good this time! My whole life is in this dishwasher, man! Well, some of it's also soaking in your bathtub.

Chang:Hey, Jeff, don't kill the messenger, but you have four hermit crabs in your bathroom sink. You'll fall in love with them. I named one Jeff.

Pierce · Chang:I've been cheating. No. It says email me.

Chang:It's cool. If it's mine, I'll be a lovable uncle. Okay, a creepy uncle. Final offer.

Shirley · Chang · Jeff:Oh, a cigar cutter, 'Max' magazine, and hot sauce. / It's a theme gift. / Yeah, I believe the theme is 'stuff lying around my apartment.'

Chang:Can I get a ni hao up in this hizzy?

Jeff · Chang:Why is everyone in this school obsessed with race? / White-people problems.

Chang:You think that pool table put aluminum siding on itself?

Chang:I don't Chang a lot of chicks.

Chang · Jeff:So you're saying if I get a job and my own apartment, Shirley might let me be part of my baby's life? / Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying.

Chang:Did you see the stock market today? Up, down... Pick a direction, huh?

Chang:I can almost hear the pitter-patter of little Chinese feet across the treetops.

Chang:I can almost hear the pitter-patter of little Chinese feet across the treetops.

Chang:Why do I have to put the vcr on three Bon is on five?

Chang:You think that pool table put aluminum siding on itself?

Chang · Jeff:What? Why? To prove I'm a responsible dad. This proves you're a kidnapper.

Child · Chang · Chang · Child · Child:Our mom's name is Loquanda. / Hey, hey, that's racist. / Wait. Is your mom's name really Loquanda? / Yeah. You said you were a friend of hers. / Why didn't you know that, dumbass?

Kid · Chang:Who's Shirley? Shirley's your mom, dumbass. Our mom's name is Loquanda.

Chang:Hi, policeman, how much do you pay for anonymous tips about kidnappings?

Chang:There's no cell on earth that can hold Chang!

Chang · Troy:Dude, I know I'm preaching to the choir, but you are a bad friend. / I'll kill you!

Chang:Got drunk ladies, fancy bathrooms, and a room full of free coats.

Chang:From before your chin dimple filled in.

Chang:That's the first time sexism has made me hungry, but she is something.

Pierce · Chang:Why would a woman want a Plymouth on cinder blocks when she could have a Testarossa, 500 horsepower with a six-speed stick? 'Cause my stick is ribbed for her pleasure. I think those are wrinkles.

Chang:Hmm hmm, the red dragon ordered a number 37 with a side of pork-fried snap.

Chang:I always carry some spare apps in case the wait staff's racist.

Chang:In China, they put the last name first. I mean, they're nuts over there.

Chang:Trust me. I know these vents like the back of my Chang.

Jeff · Chang:And, apparently, Chang is in the group now? It's true. God hates us.

Chang:You know I still don't even know if I'm in the group?

Chang:Well, if it's my child, it's okay to have a drink or two. Chang babies love the sauce, you know? Alcohol and duck.

Chang:Chang babies are always premature. We gestate fast because we're better at obtaining nutrients. Some need only eight months, depending on how much of the mother they eat.

Shirley · Chang:He's 'Sugar Boots' in my phone. / That hurts, Shirley.

Chang:This has got to be a Chang baby. Changs are never born in hospitals. More like taxicabs, hardware stores, bank lines, sewers. My nephew Jin was born on a treadmill at bally total fitness. 20% incline.

Chang:You ever tried googling me? Can't be done!

Chang:In which case, what you need to do now is elevate your legs over your head while facing the northeast corner of the room. But try not to look at the door, okay? That's bad luck and Chang babies are very superstitious. Also if you can visualize a rabbit riding a dragon, it'll increase his chances of winning lotteries.

Chang:Seven generations of little scrappers born in the worst conditions you can imagine... My cousin slid out feet first in a pickle barrel. My uncle was born during rainy season in a Mongolian sheep pasture. My brother, hmm, born under a crowded noodle bar while my grandfather finished his happy dancing shrimp.

Chang:Hundreds of Changs were born underneath the earth. Most spent their first five years underground.

Chang:I never told you this part, but all Changs are born with tails. You kind of dodged a bullet there.

Chang:After a fierce campaign, I happily concede this baby to you. Pretty classy of me.

Andre · Chang:Ben Bennett? / Oh, damn. / Okay. No, no. No, that's fine. Ben Bennett. Hi, Ben Bennett.

Chang · Andre · Shirley:Oh, look, he said Chang. / No. / No, he didn't.

Chang:Yeah? And I want pants. A lot of people want a lot of things.

Chang:Math club! Yeah. I'm Asian. You guys Asian? That's pretty racist, man. That wasn't a no. I'm coming over!

Chang:Don't shoot me, shoot him. He's white, and he's out of ammo.

Chang:Yeah, I'm much safer with you guys.

Chang:I'm sorry I told Trish about Amber!

Chang:Chang's speech about being excluded: 'it is a scary, lonely, Chang-filled world out there'

Chang:the sands of time. And the hungry seagulls of slowly growing apart.

Chang:My first cop flashlight. Can't wait to get some brains on this bad boy.

Chang:The badge says to serve and protect! No, it doesn't. 'How's my smile?' Oh, man.

Chang:Please? I swear they're just for sex!

Chang:Keep clear of the can. Sir, step around the can. Mind the can, student.

Chang · Dean:You know the thing that comes down, keeps the...cars from coming in. The thing. It's like a gate, but it's just a stick. Comes down, from a hinge. Keeps the cars out. Goes up and down 90 degrees. The arm?

Chang:I told you to stop playing Operation on me! I'm not your damn board game!

Chang:At least you didn't get my spare ribs.

Chang:You woke up with a guard this morning. But tonight, you're going to bed with a detective.

Chang:Probably need it.

Dean · Chang:We have to keep this whole living situation kind of quiet. You know, on the d-low. Sure, you know, I'm barely there. I'm married to the job. And to a mannequin leg I found in the boiler room.

Chang:My own words rang in my head like a bell inside a head. Maybe I was crazy. Or maybe, just maybe, I was a detective.

Chang:She was all dame, legs that went all the way to the bottom of her torso. The kind of arms that had elbows.

Chang:The way she left, I could tell that somebody-- or something--had really put the scare on her. But what? Why? Stapler.

Chang:Let her go, like a lobster claw letting go of a small balloon for lobsters.

Chang:Arizona backwards is still Arizona! It's a palomino!

Chang · Nunez:Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Very much so. Yes.

Chang:My mind reeled with thoughts. Voices. Stand-up premises. Why don't they just make tires out of pavement so you can drive on anything? What's up with buttons? What would happen if Nicholson was a gynecologist?

Chang:With a conspiracy this big, they're probably involved.

Chang:Man this party's a real sausage fest.

Chang:Hey, Winger. You going home alone? Gay.

Chang:As Jeff's understudy, I have to wear my Jeff wig on top of my Chang hair and then my bald cap on top of that. There's no air getting through here. I'm literally dying

Chang:If the dean wants his role to be played by a Chinese man in a blond wig--

Chang:I wouldn't do that. I have a heavy flashlight for them.

Chang:You won't regret this unless I rise up against you. I don't know why I said that. Bye.

Chang:Huh! Tah! Zhou! Zeet! Dah! Toi!

Chang · Abed:What movie were Jamie Lee Curtis and Lorenzo Lamas in together? / See, now I'm just embarrassed for you because you've never seen Lorenzo's Oil.

Chang · Abed:I can't believe... did you go to college? / Yes. No. Whatever.

Chang · Students:Who's ready to chang the world? Chang! Chang! Chang! All hail Chang!

Chang:You know what it sounded like? That's right, Jackson. Silence.

Chang · Pierce · Chang · Pierce:Cotton candy? Russian roulette? What did you say? Cotton candy sounds great.

Chang · Pierce:♪ Would you let me be your best friend ♪ ♪ I would call you every day ♪

Chang · Pierce · Chang:You're probably wondering, how do you cheat on the LSAT? How? A magician never reveals his secrets, my friend.

Pierce · Chang · Pierce · Chang · Pierce · Chang · Pierce:How do we keep it going? How do we know we won't get into a fight? I say we just let it happen. Don't tell me what to do! What's your problem? What's yours? I'm outta here!

Chang:by the time I finish this sentence, 100 people will have died in China. Why did you stop talking?

Chang:I have to call my pen pal.

Dean · Chang:Ben, how's it 'deaning'? Can't 'com-Chang.'

Chang:Well, I'll tell you how the sausage gets made. It's a lot of ground meat and it gets stuffed into a casing that looks like a cross between a dude's dong and a poop.

Chang:Worst wake ever.

Chang:Yep. Every type we got.

Chang:Catchy.

Chang:I never forget a face or a favorite cookie. And I brought extras, because I know how Richie got into that last basket I brought.

Chang:Or are you guys going to trash this building too?

Assistant · Chang:What's phase two? / Hey, I'm making up the same plan you are.

Chang:It's a prescription throne. I have back mumps. Don't look it up. It's rare.

Chang · Unknown aide:Fire the custodial staff. Okay. Cool.

Chang:Shower organizer? Are you guys psychic?

Chang:I won't have them ruining my 25th birthday.

Chang:I'll kill anyone who raises their hand.

Ricky Nightshade · Chang:Is this your card? Huh? I don't remember.

Chang:Sar-cas-tic claps.

Chang:Fire can't go through doors, stupid. It's not a ghost.

Chang:As many of you know, I ate my twin sister in utero. So on my birthday, I try to remember I'm a winner.

Chang:This one's for you, Connie. And a-one, a-two, a Chang, Chang, Chang-four.

Chang:Carl, Richie, let me ex-Chang.

Chang:When they were incepting, I got their balls.

Chang:Hi, it's me. They all finally bought it. Hook, line, and Winger. I patiently await your further instructions. Chang out.

Chang:Why did I do that? Man...

Chang:Hi, I'm Kevin. Apparently I'm your DJ tonight. Uh, I really don't know what I'm doing, so... If you have a request, please be specific. I have Changnesia.

Chang · Professor:Is this a card? No, it isn't. Queen of Hearts. No, I'm asking, is this a card?

Chang:I'm pretty sure it's 'anus.'

Chang:I have Changnesia. I'm not a dog.

Chang:Once again, I'm not a dog.

Chang:So you go... Make a little rabbit ear like so, then the kids go marching down the well.

Chang:I gotta drop a deuce. See you guys.

Chang:I'm sorry. Just really love this thing. Skymall.

Chang:Ladies and gentlemen, Greendale Resort and Casino presents Steve Winwood.

Chang:Self-serve yogurt. Those douses already know one marketable skill.

Chang:Winger, streaking on your last day of school? Respect.

Jeff · Chang:Chang? - Kevin?

Chang · Jeff:Math teacher. - explain the pajamas. - I don't have a home. See this? This won't let me travel 100 yards from this, and this only has a 30-yard cord, so I can only travel... Whatever. You do the math. - You said you teach math. - Exactly. I teach it. You do it.

Chang:[Farts] [Laughs]

Chang:No! Unfair and racist.

Chang:This extra long churro tastes good in my real mouth.

Chang:Oh, American high five. Sorry.

Chang:What up, N-Bombs? How was the funeral? Awesome?

Chang:All right, are you sure you guys aren't just doing the 'respect the dead' jig-a-lig?

Chang:Aw, schnizzle. You guys are in trouble! Later.

Chang · Stone:Fine, but I ask the questions. / I'm afraid I can't allow that. / All right, then just the 'fine' part.

Chang:Benjamin Franklin Chang, ready to deal out the truth. Nothing to hide. Let's do this.

Chang:I didn't just masturbate in the study room. I masturbated everywhere. Everywhere!

Chang:I didn't just masturbate in the study room. I masturbated everywhere. Everywhere!

Chang:Plastic gold. Four-legged diamonds

Chang:We can do the inchworm, scootenanny, The reverse Danny Thomas

Chang:Your lack of a psych degree

Chang:Mama mahogany, feast your feet on that stack of sticks

Chang:Everyone has one, don't lie

Chang:Locker boys!

Chang:By the Vapors of Magmarath, we will restore it

Chang:Cirque du so long, you high-stepping acro-bastards!

Chang:That's 50,000 lottery tickets!

Chang:I had a dream like this, but it was sexual

Chang:Bear Down for Midterms.

Chang:Are all Asian men like a joke to you? If it's like a racial thing.

Chang:I don't know if you guys even see me as human anymore. I don't know if it's like a joke to you. Are all Asian men like a joke? If it's like a racial thing.

Chang · Duncan:And then we'll have some cakes, party hats, birthday stuff! / I'm sorry, birthday stuff?

Chang:That where I got the idea. You know how sometimes you hear something and forget you heard it, but you think you came up with...

Chang:Fat Dog for Midterms

Chang · Voice:Confirmed. Arcadia initiated. What's your clearance level? Top. You really want to activate this, sir? Yeah. Oh! No. No! Can you... Cancel it.

Chang:Uh, my mother used to tell a story about how she killed a chicken. Hong Kong, 1964.

Chang · Others:No, no, no, no, no! Stop that! You're ghosts! We're ghosts?

Chang:Do you guys believe in ghosts? And if you do, do you believe what those ghosts tell you about other ghosts?

Chang:Well, the ants were people. The Queen Ant was an oil company.

Chang · Britta:What if I don't exist? Oh, I got this. I had a very similar night last night. Go home, light some candles, and take a bath. Okay, coolsies.

Chang:I noticed limping was getting MeowMeowBeenz...so I just kind of started committing

Chang:I'm not gonna take it off. I still got two days left on the rental

Chang:I didn't see anything. I did not see anything.

Chang:I stole all these books and put them in this room so I could come kiss them.

Chang:What's supposed to stop her from robbing you guys blind? What are you gonna do, call the cops?

Chang:You think that's a weird coincidence? I'm a troll named Dingleberry.

Chang:That's my mom's nickname for me.

Chang:There are no women with them, are there? I got class.

Chang:Damn, you made that Sky Spider your bitch, yo!

Chang:I got a piece of popcorn stuck in my tooth. Like, right under the gum. I've been trying like for 15 minutes with, you know, my tooth and then with my tongue and my finger. I'm always one tooth off, and I just can't seem to... Oh, hello, there we go. Anyway... But it may end in war.

Chang:Screw you, guys. It's time to get paid.

Chang:You're special, Richie. Your mind is special. You know it works differently from other kids' minds.

Chang:I robbed your brain. I robbed it.

Carl · Chang:Was there a hang glider? - You're gonna find a hang glider down there. That much I know.

Chang · Chang:Get back. This pickle's a magnet. - I'll wipe her out, man.

Chang · Chang:Wait, I'm not wearing a mask? - There's no more to it. I think I'm just mentally ill.

Chang:Hi, yes, I'd like to replace all my teeth with diamonds.

Chang:I got bit by a cat.

Chang · Britta's Mom:Benjamin. I got bit by a cat, Deb.

Chang:You know, it's the darndest thing, I think Britta somehow crapped in my pants too.

Chang · Jeff:So, why is he a pedophile? / Just demonstrating the formula.

Chang · Jeff · Chang:I say I go to City College with a camera, shoot a really gross porno movie on their campus and put it online. / Fine. / Cool. / Wait, what?

Chang:In fact, I kinda hope they do. / Well, why is that? / I don't know. They all treat me like I'm a joke. But if a dog got a degree, that means we're all a joke.

Chang:I originally wanted the voice over to be a James roll Jones impersonator, but the James bater impersonator turned out pretty good.

Jeff · Chang:This is pornography? / Doy. / You're the only actor. / So?

Jeff · Chang:Okay genius, but the title is Chang does Greendale, oh wait. / Reshoots.

Chang:Always scare Danielson, Miyagi hate fighting.

Chang · Jeff:You got a problem with that, racist?

Annie · Chang:We were cast as Mr. Miagi and the Karate Kid, because we're a good team! / We're a team, because one of us is so talented she got cast outside her gender and the other one, got cast because of eye shape.

Chang:Well I got a part in a play and we were sort of talking about that, so read the room Pelton.

Director · Chang:Quick adjustment, Ben. / Yeah? / Act better. Act better.

Chang · Jeff:Believe me, I sit in my dressing room and all I dream about is a white picket fence and a dog. / I don't have those either.

Chang:Hey guys, I'm moon walking.

Chang:Gross, who farted? Oh wait, nevermind.

Chang:No matter what happens I'm with you, but don't tell anyone I'm with you. If you do, I'll deny it, but I'm with you here and now. Not literally here and now, right now I'm leaving, but I will always have been with you secretly.

Unknown · Jeff · Chang:Except for February 7th, 2013. Chang, Britta is one, Annie is two. Jeff, ha, yeah. Jeff, gross.

Chang:Hey, silver and gold, ladies, ain't no losers there.

Unknown · Chang:Yeah, Chang was our teacher. What? That's right, and frankly, haven't been well utilized since.

Chang:When you asked if I knew PowerPoint, I said, yes. What did I really mean?

Chang:But I'm no magician. I'm just a guy that knows PowerPoint.

Chang:That's how it works?

Chang:Haaaaaaaaa'aaam, gurrrrl! Family pack ham packs, from Kolb Family Farms, the family that's pleased to meat you.

Chang:Spielberg is calling. Not you know, I don't go by phone calls. I go by contracts.

Chang:You know, I was kind of a loner. People, you know, made fun of me for it, but I just kept my head down and stayed focused on my work.

Chang:My name is Chief Star, and I am in the stars. And I am the hero. I deserve better.

Chang · Assistant:Tell Steven Spielberg to lick my butt. Well, he's right here, so.

Chang:That's something even I could mock, and I live in an RV. I'm judging you, and my dinner table folds down from a wall.

Chang · Jeff · DeSalvo:Sir, you. That guy left his lottery ticket on the table. That was the telegram man. No, it wasn't. I mean what telegram?

Chang:Hey, whoa pal. That usage may fly in the UK, not in the States. I have a mentally challenged cousin. Sister. Pics. I wanna see pics.

Chang:We batted the time. Huh? We lied to you cause we knew you'd be late. So we lied to you about the time.

Chang · Annie:You need people whose flaws feed into each other. It's what do you call it? Co-dependence. Synergy.

Chang:We invented a new game. Celebrity Garrett marriage.

Chang:We were genius to pad the time margin. Because now we have, like, three more hours to play the game.

Chang:I'm home alone. Well, not really.

Chang:Definitely not Garrett, since his name's not Barrett. Whoopsie. We say a wrong a name. Oh! Racist. Oh, no. You a racist. That guy's a racist. From here to there is racist.

Chang:Garrett, who loves you here more than Stacy? Nobody. Stacy, is it your fault Garrett's your cousin? No.

Britta · Chang:How about nipple dippers? I like nipple dippers. Yes. You guys. Yes. Ooh, nippledippers.com is available. Grab that mother. Done.

Jeff · Chang:I'll pay for my drinks, I'm not acknowledging that title. Someone owes me ten bucks for the domain.

Chang · Jeff:See, that's racist, man. That's racist. How about they both come back? How about there's a whole third black person? Where do they all sit? They well they sit wherever they want to sit, as of the 1960s.

Chang:Hey everybody, look at me! I'm ice cube head! I've got an ice cube for a head. I also eat cell phones, so you better be careful with those cellphones about me, because they taste like prime rib where I'm from.

Abed · Chang:By the way, terrible improv. Ice cube head? You were just looking at your drink. Busted.

Chang:Lots of things can be forced, like a human head through a six-inch drain pipe. What? Just kidding, pal.

Chang:I've seen more zeroes over Pearl Harbor. There were hundreds of them. The sky was black with smoke bombs.

Chang · Britta:I want my diaper back. I don't even own a TV and I wouldn't watch that.

Chang:Asian kid in my math class, doesn't want to study because he doesn't want to be a stereotype. It's pretty funny.

Jeff · Chang:We can cut to them at home though, right? I mean by ourselves? Sure. I love that I got to be with you guys. Gay. You saved my life, and changed it forever. Gay! Thank you. I'm gay. I'm for real gay. I'm legit gay!

Chang:Gay. You saved my life, and changed it forever. Gay! Thank you. I'm gay. I'm for real gay. I'm legit gay!