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Star-Burns:If you're watching this, I'm dead.

Star-Burns:Just kidding, I'm fine.

Star-Burns:My grandfather left me his entire estate. His house, his car, his life savings... and apparently his STD.

Star-Burns:The lawyer said it's been in the family for three generations.

Star-Burns:I'm leaving my prized possession in my will.

Jeff:What is it?

Star-Burns:My complete Styx collection.

Britta:Who are you leaving it to?

Star-Burns:I haven't decided yet. I'm going to wait and see who dies first, then give it to someone else.

Troy:Wait, so how does a one-armed lawyer argue a case?

Abed:He doesn't. He just points.

Troy:That's not funny.

Abed:No, but this is.

Continuation of the literal demonstration

Jeff:Here lies Pierce Hawthorne. He died how he lived: in a meth lab explosion.

Shirley:When my husband passed, I found comfort in knowing he was in a better place.

Abed:Yeah, that shelf is pretty nice. Good lighting, dust-free.

Abed:You can't burn ashes. They're already burned. That's what ashes are.

Pierce:Why is there a tiny lamp next to the urn?

Jeff:That's not a lamp, Pierce. That's the urn.

Pierce:Well, rub it and make a wish!

Abed:Pierce, that's a cremated lizard.

Pierce:Three wishes, lizard. Don't be stingy.

Pierce:Wait, are you pregnant? Because I have a guy who can help with that. No questions asked.

Chang:I just remembered I have to... feed my cat. Yeah. My cat needs feeding.

Group:You don't have a cat.

Chang:Not anymore!

Pierce:Well, I think we should all remember Star-Burns as a good man. And I have proof—the restraint he showed by not suing me over that thing I did that injured him.

Jeff:We should do something to honor him. He was a great guy.

Britta:I barely knew him.

Jeff:Neither did I.

Troy:We need to call my pen pal in China to make sure he's okay.

Abed:That's going to be really expensive.

Troy:I know, but he's my pen pal. I have to make sure he's alive.

Abed:Troy, there are a billion people in China.

Troy:I know! That's what I'm worried about!

Britta:I've studied psychology, biology, chemistry, and advanced neurology.

Annie:Britta, you dropped out of high school.

Britta:I studied it informally.

Annie:You watched a TED talk once.

Britta:It was a very long TED talk.

Jeff:Britta, I need your help. I'm grieving.

Britta:Really? You came to me?

Jeff:Well, you're a psychology major.

Britta:Oh my God, you actually think I'm smart.

Britta:Yeah, so... the afterlife is like, really bright. And there's a lot of, um, clouds? And everyone's just kind of... floating around being dead.

Annie:Britta, that's not—

Britta:Wait, wait, I'm not done. There's also a juice bar. Dead people love juice.

Troy:Star-Burns, if you can hear me, is there an afterlife?

Troy:Can you give us a sign?

Troy:Star-Burns, one more question: is Kent Brockman okay?

Abed:Personal question to 'dead' Star-Burns... Specific and unsavory personal detail

Pierce:Star-Burns, have you seen my comb? It's very valuable.

Star-Burns:No, I haven't seen it.

Britta:Star-Burns? I thought your name was Alex.

Star-Burns:It is. Star-Burns is just a nickname.

Britta:Oh, I didn't know that.

Troy:Star-Burns, what was your most embarrassing moment?

Star-Burns:That time I clogged the toilet at Greendale and didn't tell anyone.

Troy:Wait, you just told us.

Star-Burns:I know, I'm dead. No consequences.

Annie:So Britta, is it true you used to be a—

Britta:I'm not talking about Belgium.

Britta:I did not make out with Star-Burns!

Britta:Okay, well, technically we did make out, but it was only because he said his car had a working cassette player, and I was curious about what that would be like. And it turns out it sounds exactly like you'd think—like a Walkman, but bigger. So really, I was making out with the promise of vintage audio technology, not with Star-Burns himself.

Britta:Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Jeff:This is the most entertained I've been all week.

Dean Pelton:♪ I'm filing all these forms today, hip hip hooray! ♪

Dean Pelton:♪ Alphabetically organized in every single way! ♪

Dean Pelton:♪ Cross-referencing and collating, it's really quite fun! ♪

Dean Pelton:♪ Another exciting day in the office has begun! ♪

Dean Pelton:Hello, Chang.

Chang:That's funny, because my name is Chang, not 'Hello.'

Dean Pelton:We've implemented new security measures. All students must now wear ID badges at all times, submit to random bag checks, and register their vehicles with campus security.

Dean Pelton:Additionally, we're banning ice cream from all campus facilities.

Dean Pelton:I trust you all understand the severity of these measures and will comply accordingly.

Chang:I don't want to know how things work. Some things are better left a mystery.

Chang:Like sausage. You take a pig intestine, stuff it with ground meat and spices, tie it off, boil it in water until the casing splits open and reveals the steaming flesh inside.

Dean Pelton:I have no idea what you just said, but it sounded disgusting.

Jeff:Okay, everyone imagine a puppy in a basket.

Britta:Now the basket is on fire.

Jeff:Britta, we're trying to process grief, not add more trauma.

Britta:The puppy can't swim.

Troy:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why does my emotional journey always have to end with me crying in the fetal position?

Annie:The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Jeff:Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Annie:What do you mean you're not doing that? It's not optional, Jeff. Everyone goes through them.

Jeff:Sounds like a standardized test. I'm not great at those. I'll just skip to acceptance and we can all move on.

Britta:Well, actually, there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And I'm clearly in the anger stage right now because this is a stupid question.

Annie:Oh, I couldn't possibly... well, if you really want me to... I suppose I could sing Ave Maria.

Annie:But only because you insisted. I mean, I've had years of training, and it would be a shame to let it go to waste...

Dean Pelton:Bonjour! It's me, Dean Pelton. I'm très Dean right now.

Dean Pelton:I'm afraid I have some bad news. French class has been cancelled.

Dean Pelton:But look on the bright side — at least we can still can-can! *kicks leg*

Dean Pelton:I was going to do a little dance number, but Annie's screaming kind of killed the vibe.

Shirley:Oh no. No, no, no. After that? I'm not singing. I'm just gonna sit here and let my ears have a moment of silence.

Pierce:Oh! Because his head is shaped like a star and it's on fire!

Jeff:I've finally reached the acceptance stage. I'm at peace with who I am.

Britta:That's great, Jeff.

Jeff:I know, right? I'm basically a Buddhist monk now.

Abed:You just got mad at a vending machine yesterday.

Jeff:That's... different. That machine was wrong.

Jeff:I want to thank Greendale Community College, a school that's like a beautiful prison where the guards are also inmates, and the cafeteria food is a crime against humanity. This institution is a beacon of mediocrity in a world full of slightly better beacons. It's the participation trophy of higher education. We came here as broken people and we're leaving as slightly less broken people who now have student debt. Greendale isn't just a school, it's a cautionary tale wrapped in a school-shaped package. But somehow, against all odds and common sense, I'm going to miss this place. Because it's my cautionary tale.

Jeff:So Star-Burns is a hero for escaping school? That's great. What's next, we're gonna celebrate death as the ultimate escape method?

Jeff:You see these? These are what summer school does to you. These are the husks of students who thought they could make it through. Look at them. Just... drained. Completely desiccated. This is what happens when the school sucks the life out of you.

Dean Pelton:Jeff, that was beautiful, but maybe a little dark. Could you do it again, but make it funny?

Dean Pelton:You know, Jeff's speech was like a soufflé - it looked impressive, but it needed a little more time in the oven. And maybe some butter. Dean Pelton always thinks everything needs more butter.

Annie:Greendale has taken everything from me and destroyed it like a child smashing plastic toys.

Annie:Did you know our school mascot, the Human Being, was originally supposed to be called the Vagina? The university decided it was too explicit, so they changed it to something more family-friendly. But here's the thing—they didn't tell anyone! So for three years, all our uniforms, our fight song, everything said 'Go Vaginas!' before anyone noticed and we had to change it.

Annie:Dean, this is completely inappropriate! We can't have an anus flag!

Dean:Annie, you were on the flag committee. You helped design it.

Annie:And the worst part? The absolute worst part is that nobody appreciates what I do around here. I organize the study group, I keep everyone on track, I make sure we actually learn something... and what do I get? Nothing. It's like I'm the cherry on top of a sundae, except nobody wants the cherry, they just want the ice cream, and honestly, who even puts a cherry on top of a sundae anymore? It's outdated, it's unnecessary, and frankly, it's a choking hazard.

Annie:And that's why your behavior is completely unacceptable. I'm done. Edison.

Annie:I'm done. I'm out.

Dean:Wait, wait, wait. Do you know how much these microphones cost?

Shirley:I had a dream of owning my own sandwich shop. A place where I could serve my community, where every sandwich was made with love and care. But then Subway came to town with their corporate machinery, their massive resources, their ability to undercut my prices. They didn't just take my business—they took my dream.

Chang:This funeral is depressing.

Dean Pelton:Chang, I need you to show some restraint.

Chang:You got it, Dean. I'll use the leather cuffs. Or maybe the chains. Ooh, or that fuzzy handcuff thing from the party store!

Chang:You will address me as 'Sir' or 'Lord Chang.' Failure to comply will result in demerits.

Security Guard (Child):Yes, Lord Chang!

Chang:Excellent. Now, who wants to help me reorganize the campus into a militaristic state with me as supreme leader?

Security Guards (Children):We do, Lord Chang! All hail Chang! All hail Chang!

Leonard:You know, Charles Manson said something that really applies here...

Multiple:[crowd erupts in chaos and rioting]

Abed:I'm not looting for TVs or jewelry. I'm going straight for the organic, free-range, artisanal section.

Pierce:Has anyone seen my comb? My hair is completely out of control!

Pierce:I don't care if there's a riot going on, a man's got to have his standards.

Troy:Oh my god, look at these tiny handcuffs. They're so cute!

Troy:And this little belt with all the equipment... I can't even...

Jeff:I'm not intimidated by children! I just... I don't like their energy.

Chang:The Greendale Seven? I like it. Very Lord of the Rings.

Pierce:Wait, wait, wait. Greendale Seven? What about me? I'm part of this group.

Jeff:Pierce, you are part of the group.

Pierce:Yeah, but the name doesn't have me in it. It should be the Greendale Eight. Or better yet, Pierce's Seven. That way everyone knows I'm the leader.

Pierce:Well, what if we lower it to 40?

Pierce:No wait, 35.

Pierce:Actually, let's go with 30.

Dean Pelton:I feel terrible about this situation. You know, it reminds me of that time I did the roast and it was... well, let's just say I've made some choices I'm not proud of.

Pierce:Come on, group hug!

Jeff:No.

Britta:Pass.

Troy:I'm good.

Abed:That's not happening.

Annie:Maybe later, Pierce.

Shirley:I think I'm coming down with something.

Dean Pelton:Tomorrow? More like... tomorry.

Dean Pelton:I have some regrets about Chang. Serious regrets. I may have enabled his worst impulses because I was afraid of him, and I may have also found him attractive in ways that confuse me.

Dean Pelton:I have some regrets about Chang. Extremely inappropriate past behavior.

Chang:Dean Pelton, meet Dean Pelton.

Dean Pelton:What?! That's impossible!

Fake Dean:Hello, Dean.

Dean Pelton:No, no, no, this can't be happening!

Dean Pelton:What is this?! What are you doing in my office dressed like me?!

Chang:Dean, I can explain—

Dean Pelton:No! No, you listen here. You think you can just waltz in here, put on my cardigan, my ascot, and— Do you have any idea what I've built here? This institution, this legacy, and you're standing there looking like some cheap knockoff of perfection! I'm going to have you expelled so fast your head will spin, and then I'm going to— I'm going to—

Dean Pelton:Oh my God. You actually look good in that.

Jeff:I'd like to address the school board about the loss of a classmate today.

Jeff:His name was Señor Lizardo, and he was a bearded dragon. He was a good pet.

Jeff:He will be missed.

Chang:I brought cookies for the board members.

Board Member:That's very thoughtful, Mr. Chang.

Chang:Yes, well, last time someone stole them, so I'm keeping my eye on you, Gerald.

Chang:How's the hearing going?

Jeff:Not great. I think we might riot.

Chang:At your own hearing?

Jeff:Yeah, we're not great at focusing our anger.

Jeff:Chang, where exactly are you living right now?

Chang:I'm living in the school's air vents. They're rent-free and have excellent acoustics.

Jeff:You're living in the air vents. Of a school.

Chang:Yes. I've decorated with things I've found. There's a motivational poster, and a binder full of classified documents I found in the dean's office.

Fake Dean:Well, I have to say, I'm very disappointed in all of you. This kind of behavior is exactly what's wrong with students today.

Pierce:You know what the worst part about going to community college is? It's not the education, it's not the facilities, it's knowing that somewhere out there, my father is looking down from heaven, shaking his head in disappointment.

Pierce:You know, I could have gone to a real university. But nooo, I had to come here to Greendale. Do you know what that means? Community college would have been my family's lowest achievement.

Annie:Britta, you have a drinking problem.

Britta:I'm already at rock bottom, Annie. You can't fall if you're already on the ground.

Jeff:I'm the worst.

Annie:I'm the worst.

Troy:I'm the worst.

Abed:I'm the worst.

Britta:I'm the worst.

Pierce:I'm the worst.

Shirley:No, you're all God's children, and he loves you very much.

Abed:I've been thinking about all the different timelines we could be in right now. Like, what if in another timeline, I'm not obsessed with TV and movies?

Abed:What if there's a version of me that's actually normal? That's the darkest timeline.

Troy:Look, we've had our problems, okay? But we're still here. We're still together.

Abed:That's because we're in a timeline where that matters.

Troy:Exactly! We're in the good timeline.

Troy:So we're in the darkest timeline?

Abed:We've always been in the darkest timeline.

Annie:Wait, what? I thought we fixed that!

Abed:That was another timeline.

Annie:Oh my God, I can't keep track of this anymore!