Abed Nadir

Abed's rapid-fire oversharing about his half-Arabic identity and parents' dysfunctional relationship

Abed's encyclopedic knowledge of Britta from minimal interaction

Jeff: 'I see your value now' / Abed: 'that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me'

Abed: 'Cool, cool, cool' repeated

Abed reading the 'say you have to pee' text message literally and mechanically

Abed: 'You look like Elisabeth Shue'

Abed's Breakfast Club quote: 'You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner year at the Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes...'

'Nobody puts baby in the corner. Dirty Dancing.'

Abed's meta commentary: 'This isn't like Breakfast Club anymore. Now it's like Stripes or Meatballs. Anything with Bill Murray, really.'

This isn't like Breakfast Club anymore. Now it's like Stripes or Meatballs. Anything with Bill Murray, really

'you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films' / 'Well, you have Asperger's'

'I see your value now' callback

I like it, makes every 10 minutes feel like the beginning of a TV series. The illusion only lasts until someone says something they'd never say on TV, like how much their life resembles TV. There goes everything.

Real stories... don't have spoilers. Do you understand that TV and real life are different, right?

I've been eyeing it since day one when we registered. - Okay. Give me your card. - I want to put it on now.

9/11 was pretty much the 9/11 of the falafel business.

then he should see aladdin. jafar was a bad-ass. / yes, he was.

They're like real movies, but with ugly people.

i don't think i'm really in the scene.

Why are you dressed like an '80s rapist?

boo. an ordinary coffee for an ordinary life.

All i want to do is take care of you. Why won't you answer me? / 'cause this is the scene where you leave.

perfect. that's a wrap.

[whispering] i made this all happen. / with falafel as a fallback.

well, britta, it isn't called friend business, It's called show business.

All hearing is sonic.

They're showing all four indiana joneses at the vista. I'm really looking forward to the first three. I bought a whip.

I figured we were more like chandler and phoebe. They never really had stories together.

Because you asked me to stay and you said we were friends.

Together: the fourth one blows.

troy invited rap music, and he's related to danny glover and president obama.

yes. just kidding. no. like that?

this isn't a table. ha ha! that's funny.

hey, troy. did you hear? all dogs are blue now. every single dog in the world is blue.

Abed ululating and making alien transmission sounds

will they or won't they? sexual tension

well, that's sort of my gimmick. but we did lean on that pretty hard last week. i can lay low for an episode

man, that backcountry today was epic! well worth the jellybeaning. blue bird day to shred some pow

the dome arrives later. it comes with thunder

My grandpa took that when he was around your age... one time he started hallucinating And ran down the street with no pants on. Which in the gaza strip is considered a real party foul

am i good looking? - you're a very attractive young man. - i knew it.

oh, thanks, urkel. - i'm harry potter. - really? - what up, urkel?

That's right, professor slim calves. This is what you get when you steal jeff from a good woman!

That's right, professor slim calves. This is what you get when you steal jeff from a good woman!

i know i'm not batman. You could try not being a jerk.

I must be out there in the night, Staying vigilant. Wherever a party needs to be saved, I'm there. Wherever there are masks, Wherever there's tomfoolery and joy, I'm there.

But sometimes i'm not, 'cause i'm out in the night, Staying vigilant, watching, Lurking, running, jumping, Hurtling, sleeping... No, i can't sleep. You sleep. i'm awake. I don't sleep. i don't blink. Am i a bird? no. I'm a bat. I am batman. Or am i? Yes, i am batman.

You sound like cookie monster. - i'm batman. - that's batman.

you want the top bunk or the bottom bunk? - top. - me too.

i win.

did i say anything in my sleep last night about farm animals or brian williams?

sometimes i like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk and drink like it like a cold hot chocolate. i call it 'special drink.'

you're goldie hawn, jeff. - i'm sorry? - you're goldie hawn. - is it the lips?

tv's the best dad there is. tv never came home drunk. tv never forgot me at the zoo. tv never abused and insulted me unless you count cop rock.

cool. - cool. - cool, cool, cool.

knight rider marathon. - shadowy flight into the world of a man who does not exist.

he's like e.t. he crashed in my place. and we're friends now, which is great for me, but it's bad for him. he needs to get back.

draw the tapeworm of jeff's old self out of him with the bowl of milk that is your sexuality.

but they had good times.

you're a huge nerd. - thanks.

This is wrinkling my brain / That's wrinkling my brain / Get a load of these wrinkles

I also know you have thinly veiled rage issues / Careful, boy

Jeff's character acts like nothing around here affects him. But things bother him more than he lets on / Hey, I'm top of the class / He's also very vain

By the way, Jeff, I think your shirt's trying to get out of your pants

Is that me being chased down by a werewolf? / Yeah. And that's how you'd behave in that situation, no?

He was horny. So he dropped him

In my next film, we discover that Pierce is an actual genius / Well, that's not gonna happen / No, it's not

speaking as one of the meek, As soon as i inherit the earth, you a dead man.

i know your secret. I know about the chair.

i know about the chair.

you stick to quotin' movie lines. i'll stick to sports / i'm trying to reduce my pop-cultural referencing

it's impossible to guard you. your eyes are too gentle and mysterious

taking a call girl to an std fair. there's a joke here

car wash redhead. tube top, r.e.m. concert. juror number six

at least you have 'mommy' in here. / it's not my mom. / dude, not cool

the women literally have no identities. it's pretty shallow

oh, like stallone in over the top. but i'm not sure of all the rules. don't i need a semi truck and a ten-year-old son?

don't use the condoms! if you're going to have sex tonight, don't use condoms

Jeff protected my honor. It was like my bodyguard, but I was the kid from meatballs, Jeff was the guy from full metal jacket, And the moustache guy was the brother of the guy on entourage.

So you're like a muslim. Salaam alaikum. Shama-lama-ding-dong.

I don't get it! But not the one by the parking lot!

He meant we were figh... Ting. It is hard to think of another word.

I get 72 virgins in heaven. - No.

I get 72 virgins in heaven.

You could even enroll in community college - Right now it sounds as boring as real life, But it is not.

He kept his upbeat humor and charm Even in the 11th year of the korean war.

He sits in the corner next to the dead plant.

I can't stop thinking about his high kick. His ratio of girth to hip flexibility Is mesmerizing.

You lied about the guy in seattle With the meat tenderizer. You put your thumb on the scale. But you did it with a smile, And you did it so you could keep smiling. You're hawkeye.

If you'd ever actually seen the show, You'd know that hawkeye doesn't just bed nurses And drink martinis. He also had blood sprayed on his face And barked orders when the choppers came in. If he didn't, people died. He was a leader, jeff. That's your job.

Ooh, you made me so happy I just peed a little.

Ooh, you made me so happy I just peed a little.

Sounds like a porno with kate winslet.

What's up, bro? boo! Hey, what's up, j-dog? Woof, woof, woof, woof! Yeah!

Culturally, it's unacceptable, But it's theatrical dynamite!

Kickpuncher, starring Don 'the demon' Donaldson as a cyborg cop whose punches have the power of kicks.

Yeah, two hours of my life back.

Dude, I'm right here.

Yeah, but you're doing it with the speed and the determination of the incomparable Robin Williams.

[Crash] Biggest laugh of the night.

When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in the Brady Bunch. And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of the Brady Bunch.

They're just jealous.

I am Kickpuncher. My cyber punch have the power of kicks.

The only thing beyond the reach of my fists is humanity.

You're sure Britta couldn't do your part?

Meryl streep has two oscars because of her baking.

Oh, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds way more like sarcasm. Inflection is so interesting.

That's, uh, booty call implication.

You've shifted the balance, like in a sitcom When one character sees another one naked.

Is that really a sitcom staple? - No, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm abed, I never watch tv.

One papa john's commercial, And he thinks he's christian bale.

Tony even saw angela naked on the opening credits Of who's the boss?

I could never get past the opening credits.

He's a young 'the asian guy' from lost.

They could be put off by her vacuous mannequin face. And her jodie foster severity.

Scorsese drank with de niro.

You were dancing like that girl In that movie... The kids in detention? - Breakfast club.

So you guys are gonna can't buy me love me, right? We're gonna what you? You're gonna can't buy me love me.

Oh, he wants us to love don't cost a thing him. Can't buy me love was the remake for white audiences.

What are you doing? - I'm being myself. Go be yourself by jenny.

But I wouldn't go over there. How do you know that? A lifetime of observation, mostly.

What the hell was that? A different version of me. I think it was a vampire.

I understand--I need to change who I am... To someone more likable. No, no, no, no, sweetie. It's not about changing. It's about learning. Learning to change?

Don draper from mad men. What'd you think? Weird. Awesome. Put your tongue in her ear.

10% dick van dyke, 20% sam malone, 40% zach braff from scrubs, And 30% hilary swank in boys don't cry.

So does that make abed 'brown joey'? If you want to get racist about it.

Or they trick me into buying them ice cream... And then shove me into a clothes dryer.

The truth is, lots of girls like me, Because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable. And my aloofness unconsciously reminds them... Of their fathers, so...

Britta, I got sel f-esteem falling out of my butt.

Because when you really know who you are... And what you like about yourself, Changing for other people isn't such a big deal. Abed... You're a god.

Does she look like you but in a wig and lipstick? No, that's Halle Berry.

Why would the booty-nator be back with booty? Wouldn't he just try and kill it? Well, maybe he kills it and then brings it back as a trophy. Why would you want dead booty? I want pirate's booty. Because you're hungry?

Now she says he's a pig anus.

Troy? I think I hit G-13.

There's black people. Mm-hmm, there's two.

Jeff's competitive side had come out before. He had even displayed envy. But on that first day of pottery class, he discovered-- Abed. Yeah. What did we discuss? No voiceover. Sorry. It is kind of a crutch.

That's a buddy cop movie I would watch. But I wonder which of you would be by the book, And which of you would be the bad-ass.

Any bonuses to your kombat score?

Abed, how fast can you run to the theater department? 37 seconds. Don't come back without something ridiculous. Go. Got it.

A twist on a classic formula. Normally, with buddy cops, One's a straight-laced stickler, And the other's a renegade. But these two have equal claim to both roles.

And why are you here? Well, short answer: My cable went out.

Star-burns doesn't do very much. I guess fascinating people Don't resort to growing shapes on their faces.

He ran between two poles.

I'm sick and tired Of making excuses for you two! You're an embarrassment to the department! You're off the case and off the force.

All I see is a housewife and a girl scout.

I don't even deserve this buddhist meteor wand. it's not a meteor! It's a cookie wand!

the cookie crisp mascot Wasn't a wizard when I was a kid. It was a burglar. I just... Pretended like I knew Because I wanted jeff to think I was smart.

ooh, my name's jeff winger. hey, I'm jeff winger. I'm so tall. Ah, this watch is expensive. - Muscles are everywhere.

Oh, we're not filming this. No, who'd want to watch this?

He specifically asked about me? - Mm-hmm. - Sure. When Annie brought you up, he specifically asked, 'who is that?' Abed. - Oh. - What? That's what he said.

His dreadlocks remind me of the predator, Which is weird, because you're doing the actual hunting And you seem invisible to him.

Before I talk, I ask myself, "what am I about to say And how might it affect each person listening?" I'm really glad you said that, britta. The idea that you compulsively filter yourself Makes your lack of flavor kind of a flavor.

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be in a mafia movie.

That's exactly what it's like, Abed, And you get the most important job. You're gonna be fry cook. We may be watching different mafia movies.

Yeah, I agreed to give Cheng eight fingers per lunch In exchange for a 10% bump on every Spanish test For each of us.

Your ego. Well... I see. I see. This has been about me the whole time.

It's not that complicated, Jeff. They replaced the "c" in circle with a "z" for zucchini.

I just need to be able to connect to people like you can, And then I can make everyone happy Like you do.

By the way, they started using that As a seasonal arc on law & order. Total rip off.

Like knight rider. Exactly. Like knight rider. I'll put on a leather jacket And make out with an aerobics instructor. You pull around front and comedically Startle passersby with your ability to talk.

Can we eat them while sitting on a table Like in sixteen candles? Pick one reference, Abed.

Do you know who might have stolen A box of hairnets from the kitchen? Someone with hair. I'm gonna write that down.

Animal house. A reference my ears applaud. I couldn't resist. Smashing the guitar of someone Singing a cloying love song Was on my quintessential college experience list.

Bond with a group of loveable misfits. Check. Take on the school bully. Check. Make out with the hottest girl On campus. Check-a-rooni.

I'll be like your Morgan Freeman. Like in the bucket list. The what?

Pantsing someone was on my list. It would have been better if you were wearing The standard giant hearts on underwear, but I'll take it.

Well, I hope getting pantsed Is on your list. Ha-ha! It is.

He still assumes I'm a terrorist. If you're not, I'm sorry. And if you are, I'm a hero. I'm willing to take that chance.

We've lost our Cliff Clavin. Our George Costanza. Our turtle.

Troy and I are pledging the cool fraternity, and unbeknownst to us, we're actually the target of ridicule and don't have a chance in hell of getting in. Yeah. They're making us walk around with pretzels in our butts. I put mustard on mine like an idiot.

Ridiculous situation descending into heavy-handed drama For the illusion of story. Ch-ch-ch-ch. Check.

Jeff and Britta have the two most fragile egos Of the group. These kids will pretty much destroy them.

To be blunt, Jeff and Britta is no Ross and Rachel. Your sexual tension and lack of chemistry Are putting us all on edge, which is why, ironically-- And hear this on every level-- You're keeping us from being friends.

Come with me if you don't want paint on your clothes.

Priority registration.

Easy, sugar bear.

They say the glee club is luring stragglers Into sniper traps with cheery renditions of hit songs.

Are the girls in the game? You mean Britta? No, I don't mean Britta. Did I say Britta? Twice now.

Something's changed. Oh, Abed. Crazy Abed. No, something's different now.

Maybe you should just send a text message. Yeah.

Now she is going to make the Disney face. Her lip is gonna quiver and her eyes will flutter, but they won't ever actually close.

It's from a movie. Well, then the movie it's from is terrible.

Banana rhino. Banana Sam Elliott. LeVar 'Banana' Burton. Banana King Tut.

B... banana penis. Sure, you would've loved it if he did it.

Remember how hard we laughed when we first heard the term 'teacher's aids'? Yeah. And then we found out a teacher did have aids.

Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer. Cool.

Then I think... 'What if we lived together?'

Finally, a classic last-day-of-school plot twist.

And for the record, there was an episode of Happy Days where a guy literally jumped over a shark, and it was the best one.

We're like Batman and Shaft. Batman actually had a guy. His name was Robin. Troy, Batman's friend didn't have to be Robin. It could have been Shaft, Dolemite... Leroy Brown. Don't let society limit your people.

Batman actually had a guy. His name was Robin. He rode around with him.

Hey, did you guys see Toy Story 3? - Yes! - Oh, I love Toy Story 3! - Hey! - Aah! - Hey! - Hey, Toy Story... Britta!

Star-burns has grown reliant on his star-shaped sideburns but still craves identity beyond them, so he added a hat.

I'm hoping we can move away from the soapy relationshipy stuff and into bigger, fast-paced, self-contained escapades.

Shirley, would you consider spinning off with me? Just riffing, but we could open a hair salon together.

He's a George Clooney impersonator, but still, razzle dazzle, right?

TV makes sense and has structure, logic, rules. And likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you.

I was trying so hard to make our first week a great one, I didn't realize there was something great in front of us the whole time... an old woman drinking her own pee.

♪ 'cause boobies we gotta ♪ ♪ order is primate, family hominidae ♪ ♪ but genus is...♪ Homo. ♪ But you know you're into me ♪

Cool. So he's from your origins.

Our concern is that Alan is to Jeff what Rob Lowe was to James Spader in the 1990 film bad influence.

He's a bad influence. - You saw it?

Like charades? - With this group? I'm watching.

The stakes have never been higher.

What did she say? - I don't know. All I heard was suck.

Oh, my God! I didn't know what to do. I usually have one foot out of reality, and even I'm freaking out right now.

Now, go win that pop-and-lock-a-thon. I'll see you Monday. - It's like watching a soul slip through our fingers. But what more can we do?

Abed? I made it through! I'm a cartoon now. - That's impossible. - Nothing's impossible in here. Animals can talk. Your heart is shaped like a heart. And the smell of pie can make you float.

Wait! You don't have to believe. I didn't. I may have done some damage there.

Well, baptists are, but that's beside the point.

Eskimos, witch doctors, jewish people. / Oh, cool. We made the list.

Oh, I'm sorry... humankind.

Hello? / He ends so many of his speeches that way.

Do you know how many times I haven't eaten a donut? I do not. How much I got teased in grade school for dabbing my pizza with napkins?

Do you know how many times I haven't eaten a donut? / - I do not.

Hold on a sec. I need to use my force field to prevent chang from getting food.

And now that I realize that that was my goal... / mm-hmm? / I can really roll up my sleeves and get it done.

He hasn't seen it yet!

Can we stop walking in slo-mo now? / 20 more yards. / You guys are walking in slo-mo?

No, thanks. I can't imagine anything that could have been cooler than what I've done today. / Okay, that was cool.

I took evasive maneuvers. You can't be on my 6. / Then I'm on your 12. / That means I'm your 6.

I'm pointing my thumbs at God.

Ben Lyons said the same thing about I am legend.

He was like E.T., Edward Scissorhands, and Marty McFly combined.

But then the filmmaker realizes that he's actually Jesus and he's being filmed by God's camera. And it goes like that forever in both directions, like a mirror in a mirror.

All caps. Filmmaking beyond film. A metafilm. My masterpiece.

You know, you're reacting the way the world did to Jesus.

I have arrived! I am watched, as I am watching. I am audience and creation.

There are no takes. There is no viewer. The film is the story. The story is us. We are the film.

When is life released? Every minute of our lives is a world premiere, and my father has already bought the popcorn.

I am who you say I am.

I forgive her.

Dear God, my movie is the worst piece of crap I have ever seen in my entire life.

The critics are gonna crucify me.

You heard me praying.

Man, I wonder how much effort you put into being accidentally handsome for a costume every year.

Troy, we have to rise to the occasion like Ripley and kick monster butt in our undies.

You called me a nerd up there. What defines a nerd... committing to an awesome Halloween costume with your best friend? Is that what nerds do?

Troy, make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end.

I love you. I know.

I don't know why, but I'm kind of over zombies. Yeah, I don't feel like anything action-heavy.

I'd love to learn more about you. I'll change out of my sports clothes and meet you there.

* You just lost you just lost a game you just lost you just lost a game with Troy * - Uhh!

She lost her glasses. I've never seen you wear glasses. Yeah, I usually wear contacts, but I couldn't find them... Without my glasses. Which I wear.

Cool-cool-cool.

The one with the hole in her sweater's armpit, or the one whose tight sleeves are pushing her fat toward her elbows?

So Meghan's the one with the crooked ears and no ankles? Ha! Damn. Sorry, I over-described again?

It's Wednesday. Sometimes I eat in Jeff's car. Don't tell him.

It's called a muffin top, Abed. Like a muffin? Clever.

I don't even know your peanut-headed ass. You're right, we've never met. Like your hair and dandruff shampoo.

I don't even know your peanut-headed ass. You're right, we've never met. Like your hair and dandruff shampoo.

You look like you're smuggling a lime and a coconut.

Good one... tell that to the stitching on your ratty panties, or wear higher jeans on laundry day.

Women of Greendale! This cafeteria has been declared a bitch-free zone!

Sharice is a bad rowboat. Sink her. Affirmative.

2008 called to tell you that, even in 2008, those were tacky.

Oh! I didn't know you were deaf. I suspected you were blind from the outfit.

Annie, when you laugh like that, you snort like a piglet.

Affirmative. You're all bitches. Triple bitches. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Hey, bitch. Bitch. You bitch. I'm a bitch. You're a bitch.

Nice. Who taught you how to be a juice box? Hmm.

Troy and Abed in the mornin' and we're back with Greendale's resident animal expert, star-burns. My name's Alex.

Turtles don't eat mice. What do they eat? I don't know. Pellets? I have no idea. That's disappointing.

Because this is starting to feel like a bottle episode.

I wouldn't do that. I hate bottle episodes. They're wall-to-wall facial expression and emotional nuance. I might as well sit in the corner with a bucket on head.

You just became my hero.

What are those underwear made out of? They look luxurious. Oh. They're an organic soy-cotton blend.

This is how super villains are created.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. / Ahh... / You thinking what I'm thinking? / We're too big for this, aren't we?

Visual gag: Troy and Abed's elaborate beatboxing/gibberish routine in blanket fort

Make this a blanket Fort for men. / Babu-Gabku boo-Gee. [beat boxing] / Babu-Jabbu-babu-Bee.

[foreign language] / You could, pavel...or...maybe the inside could come to you.

[Troy and Abed speaking in foreign language to Pavel]

He went into that blanket Fort! / I think he went this way! / Do you see him? / Oh, sorry. / Sorry.

you should really check out our civil rights museum.

Leonard, back up! / You shouldn't even be in here, Leonard. You already have three farting strikes against you.

I know a shortcut. Through the turkish district.

Latvian independence parade. Don't look at me. They had the proper permits.

She took to deception like abed took to cougar town. / It's really good.

You made the front page! / You know what this means. / We've gone mainstream. / Initiate protocol Omega.

Wanna build a cardboard submarine? / Get out of my brain.

Once...upon...a...time...there...was...a...big...spaceship. And...aliens. And...mercenaries. And? War. And? Betrayal. And? Romance? And...karate. And? Credits! The...end.

We should write a screenplay together. / Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Also born that day, Tyra Banks, Marisa Tomei and French cinematographer Claude Renoir

That doesn't make sense. Wormholes and teleportation are different.

I actually did pick up on it after a while. And? I really like talking about Farscape.

They were making out. Abed. Why would you do it in front of me? I'm not a coat rack.

I'm assuming that's why we're all stop-motion animated.

For starters, you could move around more. Not much point in being animated if you don't.

Three, and I told you, we're not clay. We're silicone dolls with foam bodies over ball-and-socket armatures.

Why would I want to be in a school that hates Christmas?

Its atmosphere is 7% cinnamon.

And I am ejecting her from planet Abed with a remote control Christmas pterodactyl.

Initiate self-destruct.

My parents are divorced, too. My mom's Polish. She loves Christmas. Every year, she visits on the same day. December 9th. And every year, we sit and watch Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer together, every year.

Good job, Pierce.

It represents lack of payoff.

It's the first season of lost on DVD. That's the meaning of Christmas? No, it's a metaphor. It represents lack of payoff.

Thanks, lost.

Troy and Abed in stop-motion

It's a little odd that I see this, too, though, don't you think? / Yeah. We're weird that way.

I checked all of Pierce's wardrobes for portals to magical worlds. All I found was something called Emmanuelle in Space on laserdisc... I couldn't watch it, but it sounded sexy.

Is it Fat Neil? / Blue Streak? / Mud Flaps? / Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.

You have my word as your roommate, and that is a bond I will never violate.

You can't tweet it either. / We never discussed new media.

My name is Quendra, and I spell it with a Q-U. / I love Star Wars. / That's Troy. / I love footballs.

Do you think bees eat their own honey? I'm sure they've at least tasted it.

I'm...Ew! Hector the well-endowed? Abed

I didn't know you'd just grab one at random. I made that one with Troy in mind

'Magic user, baby... What?' - Troy's confusion about his own character

As you watch the goblins retreat, you notice a 67-year-old naked man with no weapons, lying in the wet grass, shivering. His name is... Pierce Hawthorne, and I'm 66, dick.

You have... Successfully rubbed your balls on the sword

Argy bargy arg barg barg. Why is he a pirate? He's a gnome. He only speaks gnome

How long is that? Cool, cool, cool.

Tell me, Abed, are you familiar with the Amburg region of the Edylmann River basin? Of course I am.

The dragon eating Pierce after being freed

If you had a tail, people could always tell when you're happy. Yes, but with giant ears, you could hear things from miles away, and you could wear backpacks as earrings

They're keepers of knowledge. She holds the answers to all of our questions, like, 'will you marry me,' and 'why are there still libraries.'

Hey, maybe if we're too loud, she'll shush us.

Books! Pretend like you're asleep.

It is of utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting you, so we're trying to be as direct and aboveboard about this as possible.

What's in the briefcase? Oh. Tacos. You want one? No. Great. We really wanted them.

That's my analysis of the Saw movie franchise.

No. I choose you, Troy. Punch. Hey, Abed. Hey. I, um... She... Just... She chose me. Cool. You can have this then.

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her! What happened? She called you weird! I am weird. Not as weird as her! Who the hell is Nicholas Nickleby?

At first, I said, 'no,' because at the risk of sounding overly sensitive, I feel intensely bored by Pierce as a subject.

Yeah, Jeff. What are you? Abed? Oh, sorry, Abed. No problem. Doesn't bother me.

If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide caused by the unjust cancellation of Firefly. We're gonna get that show back on the air, buddy.

So I thought the documentary format would be like fish in a barrel, but as is the case with a real barrel of fish, after a while, it can become cramped, chaotic, and stinky.

after a while, it can become cramped, chaotic, and stinky.

That explains the people I've noticed covertly surveilling the campus this week. Must be Secret Service.

We've been made.

I guess I noticed because I'm used to being the only observer.

You can keep it.

Leonard Rodriguez... Did he change his last name? Yeah, he's trying to court the Hispanic vote.

Magnitude. Short for Magnetic Attitude. He's a one-man party.

Do you just constantly have your own little side adventures? Yep. Me too.

I went with four. Geez, get a room, you two.

I didn't know how to use scissors, I sat in the middle of the seesaw, and I always found the distinction between duck and goose to be very arbitrary.

We talked to two people at a vending machine. Well, I'm being told we're taking a quick break, but stay tuned. They have to stay tuned. It's closed circuit television. Don't know what that means.

That's close enough. Are you sure? You smell like nice soap.

Two men fighting for the same piece of earth. One recently born. One soon to die. A competition reflecting the pointlessness of life.

Did you know you could make napalm out of common dish soap and cat food?

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

When your child is a lone scavenger in the nuclear wasteland, clean water will be worth its weight in gold.

So you're not allowed to bone him. / You just guaranteed she'll bone him.

Name one guy I did that with. / That one dude, tall Kyle. / Jeff.

I'm just here for my 'trekkies do it in the final frontier' hat. That's my hat. Really? Mm-hmm. Are you sure? Yep.

They'd be dead to me forever. Maybe we watch 'The Final Kickening' together sometime. Yes, Lukka, maybe we do. May...Be... We...Do.

I don't want to play anymore. I feel sick. She's strange.

It's for an extremely thorough documentary I'm making on my life. It's mostly footage of me watching dailies, but every once in a while it comes in handy.

You're inhuman. You're an inhuman person. You're a monster. Lukka's a monster for realsies.

I like your sweater. Did it come with a Golden Retriever?

Abed ordering a spritzer and Jeff's narration about him not being weird

Abed's entire Cougar Town story buildup with the existential crisis of 'if I'm a person that watches Cougar Town, how can I be in Cougar Town?'

I pooped my pants.

Cool. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

I chose my dinner with Andre, because it's about a guy who has an unexpectedly enjoyable evening with a weird friend he's been avoiding lately.

I'm more of a fast-blinking, stoic, removed, uncomfortably self-aware type... Like Data... Or Johnny-5 or Mork or Hal or K.I.T.T. or K-9... Or Woodstock and/or Snoopy.

Cool. T.H.L.

It was very hard being popular.

Angela. Oh, well! Class dismissed!

Britta's attracted to men in pain. It helps her pretend to be mentally healthy.

It's as open as the door to Mona's bedroom. It's a shame yours isn't.

Cool. Cool cool cool.

Angela Bauer.

Every building is a saloon.

Jeff and Britta are having secret sex.

That show's gonna last three weeks! Six seasons and a movie!

Meanwhile, at that same moment, a truck full of toxic waste crashes and spills on the dean, transforming him into Mega-dean!

It's Troy. / Hey, the man wants to give Darrell an A, let him do it.

Give you $1,000. / Indecent Proposal. Indecent Proposal.

No. / I don't know.

Once you've sold something out, you can't get it back.

I delivered a baby earlier this year in the back of an SUV. / Where was I when that happened? / I don't know. Off in the background.

Shirley, pretend I'm saying this in a soothing, reassuring, non-robotic voice. We're not going to make it to the hospital.

I take it the head has reached the cervix.

Well, don't tell any doctors I said this, but at this point in time, the bus pretty much drives itself.

It's back. / It never left.

His fingers are like good & plenties. I know. I want to eat them. Which is lame. Totally.

Cancel school today or we tell everybody about this.

He's really good-looking. Like, network TV good-looking. And did you see how big his guns were? Why don't you just marry him, Abed?

My forehead's not that big, right? - Mm. - It's not small.

In other words, it seems we've left the Western motif and are entering a more of a Star Wars scenario. I know. I wish it happened sooner too.

Whatever, pal. I ain't in it for your revolution. I'm in it for me.

I know, but I'm calling dibs on the Han Solo role before Jeff slouches into it by default.

Give me the vest, Laser Breath, before our conversation gets nasty.

Sure thing, your worship.

Watch it, Quasar face. Annie's a good kid and a better shot. So listen up, or you'll be floating home. Thank you, Abed. Sorry. Han.

For a no-good, laser-faced, jabba scoundrel. You're good, kid. Don't get cocky.

I had a dream it would end this way.

Will you still be Han Solo after we die? 'Fraid not, doll. Once I'm gone, I'm gone.

Too risky. Sequels are almost always disappointing.

Since when are you in favor of playing it safe, Han? Cool down, Annie. I was only Han Solo because the context demanded it.

Yeah, he uses some kind of crystal instead of deodorant.

Actually, we kind of did that. Haven't you been to the library? - I'm working my way there.

Cool, cool, cool. Slippery.

Abed: 'Cougar town has been moved to mid-season. That's never a good sign.'

Abed: 'Not cool, not cool, not cool, not cool, not cool...' Troy: 'Hey buddy, hey, it's coming back in January. Six seasons and a movie.'

Why did everyone on Cougarton Abbey just die? They only ran six episodes. That's the great thing about British tv. They give you closure.

Blimey, inspector! Where have we wound up this time? The question isn't where, constable, but when. Inspector, look out! Blorgons! Eradicate! Eradicate!

Does two U.N.s mean there are two earths? Uh, yeah. Sure, two earths.

Uruguay sounds like 'you're a gay.' Uruguay kindly requests that Somalia stop pronouncing it 'you're a gay.'

You can't just mumble nonsense. No one's cutting away. Okay, fine, here's my actual plan.

We represent the United Nations from Earth I. Using our Switzerland's hadron collider and resources from every nation, the people of our planet have constructed a trans-dimensional gateway here.

Hey, Abed, can I borrow some change for the water fountain? Yeah. Here you go. Thank you. Wait. Change?

Star Wars, Star Wars. Cool, cool, cool. Hmm. You understand. You're also, quite frankly, a very weird-looking man.

We spend too much time together. Jinx.

You and Todd were four and five. I was four? Todd was four. I was five?

All right. Who did a butt? They're boobs. And I don't know. Take it again.

Penis, penis, penis. Very mature, guys. I didn't draw a penis. Me neither. Yeah, these are all normally filled out tests. Ha ha! Gotcha! This was also a test, and you all penised. Passed.

♪Troy and Abed's new apartment! ♪

avoid touchy topics like the negro problem. The book was written in the '40s.

scale model of the rolling Boulder scene from raiders... With actual rolling Boulder. Adiós, Sapito.

Bienvenido de la Casa Chez Trobed.

I made that in Photoshop and mailed it to you a month ago so that you'd keep tonight open on your calendar.

Don't say charades. Troy & Abed: Yahtzee! Is charades off the table?

Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines. Of course I am, Abed.

That pizza guy was super creepy. So you're saying he was a pizza guy?

I wonder what happened in those other timelines.

More like a nervous-- Bakedown! I know! I didn't say it on purpose.

The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it--together. On the raft of life. A raft held together by those few rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.

There are six sides to this die and seven of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.

This is the darkest, most terrible timeline.

Troy lost his larynx because, for some dumb reason, he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it.

Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair. And I lost an arm.

I made us all black goatees out of felt. I suggest you put them on until you're able to grow your own.

I hate you! Shut up with your Sci-Fi crap! I lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards! Goatees.

♪evil Troy and evil Abed ♪

Oh, we were wearing this when you called. Yeah, when we dress up, you'll know it.

Embarrassed. That's an odd reaction. Seems fair.

They wouldn't turn the radio on at the exact moment of the most pertinent news broadcast. It's too coincidental.

Eventually, once it had been... Eaaarned.

Now that we're sewn together, do we have E.S.P.? Yes! We're psychic now. We can destroy him with mind powers.

You tried to destroy us... But you only made us... More awesome! No! I'm a j-jealous.

We sewed your butt to your chest! Ha!

By sewing my butt to my chest, you've given me boobs I can touch all day. With what? Noo! Feet hands.

Yo, Jango, check it out. Swarms of locusts and tornadoes of frogs. I don't care. I lived in New York.

We should never make the Britta of Britta-ing each other's feelings. You're using it wrong. Wow. You Britta'd 'Britta'd.' Yeah, way to pull an Abed. I don't get it.

Should we let him go? Hmm...Let me think. Nah. More Brandy? Don't mind if I do.

♪ Troy and Abed sewn together ♪

Pierce's positrons have been negatized, creating anti-Pierce.

That's exactly what Constable Reggie said.

How old are you guys? The question isn't how old we are... But when old we are!

We're here to help you move...on the dance floor.

We're live tweeting Annie's move on Twitter. Hashtag #Annie'sMove.

I had a big breakfast. Nice. Tweeting it!

That's what the security deposit is for. Hashtag #ThatIsAll.

It is, one, two. Yours is a blanket fort.

We spent our whole lives being told that blanket forts are only for special occasions, like sleepovers or when uncles die.

What's a linen closet? A siesta salad and an iced tea.

This is a space we reserved for virtual adventures. Like a playroom but only works in our minds. We call it the dreamatorium.

Trust us, this place can be a courtroom in the blink of an eye.

Sometimes we get stuck in our own little world. And then in that world, we make even littler worlds. And sometimes there are tunnels between those worlds. Or a subway. One time a snake.

Yeah, we already know that the opposite color kool-aid doesn't work.

Troy scraped me when we were fork-jousting last week and I don't think it's healing right. Oh, Abed, that's infected.

Look out, asteroids! Thanks for getting us to planet Greendalia safely, horsebot 3000.

Ever seen Hearts of Darkness? Way better than Apocalypse Now

I suggested to the dean that we shoot my scenes in front of the Luis Guzman statue because the dean has no legal right to broadcast Guzman's image, which means every shot will be unusable

Like sex with women

The dean is going insane and taking all of you with him. If you know that, then do something! I'm doing everything I can. I only have so many cameras

Are you by any chance familiar with Stockholm Syndrome? Is it something that the dean created? Because if not, I don't care

I'm more of a fly on the wall

Some flies are too awesome for the wall

Abed is Batman now, Christian Bale.

And just to clarify, if you see this lying out, I'm still using it, so you don't have to take it to the kitchen, dump it out, and wash the bowl.

Is this about your buttered noodles? - I didn't say that. - Yes! - Into your face!

Rick has keys to every apartment--means. He knows when we're coming and going--opportunity. And he was dressed as the Joker for Halloween--motive.

The night beckons. Its black fingers curl and uncurl, going, like, 'hey, come here.'

But there can be no peace while crime spits and dances on the grave of justice to the hot beats of infectious rhythms of all that is wrong.

Women's shoes? But Rick doesn't have a wife... Or women's feet.

Run time two and half hours and so critically reviled that after it aired, the creator has his knighthood revoked.

I thought I'd give her one more tinkle before I took down decorations.

♪ Glee is what I'll spread to my friends like a virus that sends them to a healthier place ♪

What if you were a Jehovah's Witness that was merely pretending to be into Christmas, gathering clues and blending in to take down the holidays from within?

♪ a-b-e-d connoisseur of Christmas on the spectrum, none of your business ♪

Good point. Sing about it?

♪ Santa Claus was born in 1945 He had a boogie woogie Coca-Cola army jive ♪

There's a whole generation of viewers that didn't get to see the original. Let's hope it's more of a bale than a Kilmer situation.

We could dye our hair gray. And then we could lay down on the sidewalk and be invisible.

Troy and Abed being normal.

What if once you go from being weird to normal, you can never go back to being weird again?

Lame.

What'll they think of next?

What sort of creature would do a dance called the Lindbergh lean? Blorgons?

I digitized my entire movie collection. Goodbye, VHS. Hello, SelectaVision CED Videodisc.

French Stewart. But I don't have three grand.

I was so sad to hear of your passing. / Me too.

What movie were Jamie Lee Curtis and Lorenzo Lamas in together? / See, now I'm just embarrassed for you because you've never seen Lorenzo's Oil.

Lorenzo is an oil tycoon that gets his address book switched with Jamie Lee Curtis', and they give each other piggyback rides.

I can't believe... did you go to college? / Yes. No. Whatever.

It's two for one. We're doing Popeye next. Ah-ga-ga-ga-ga. Get him some spinach. I'm Olive Oyl.

You can drive faster, change direction. And the only pee breaks are yours. / Are you real? / Are you?

This is really crazy. And inaccessible, and maybe too dark. / Maybe to them, but not to us.

Another pillow fort? Kind of repeating yourselves, aren't you? That was a blanket fort. This will be a pillow fort. Way more difficult, way better.

But if we won, we might meet that dude with the curly fingernails. Shridhar Chillal? Not interested. I saw him on a talk show. He came off as pretentious.

Why do I always have to be your Reggie? What? I wanted to make a blanket fort, and you never even gave it a second thought. I'm not even your sidekick. I'm your underkick.

Is that what you want, Troy? For me to destroy my pillow fort so you could set your record? It is. Magnitude. Evacuate fort Abed, and prepare for self-destruct. Sir? Do it. We're done here. Pop, pop, Captain.

an uncompromising tactical mastermind feared by all yet unable to pay parking tickets or know left from right without mouthing the pledge of allegiance.

Friends so close, they once graced the cover of Friends Weekly, a pretend magazine of their own design.

It's just like crawling through a hug. Well... I guess all hugs have to come to an end.

I hope to God we'll never have to use it. Oh, me too.

'It will escalate to Rambo III, which should really be called First Blood part III. But the Rambo titles never made sense. And neither does war.'

'He gets distracted by loud noises, the color red, smooth jazz, shiny things, food smells, music boxes, bellbottoms, boobs, barking dogs, and anyone saying, Look over there!'

'It's incredibly easy to make him cry. And he's incredibly ashamed of that fact.'

Our friendship is dead. What? Yeah, I think we should agree right now that whoever wins this war can stay in the apartment. Loser has to find a new place. Agreed.

This is going to be the last thing we ever do together. We can't stop.

We're not stupid, Jeffrey. We know you made those sarcastically.

You left the magical Friendship Hats at the Dean's office. Right. Of course. I'll go get them.

Best friends, best friends... ♪ Making a cake ♪ - Wait. Ah. ♪ Best friends, best friends ♪ ♪ making a cake ♪ - Pyoo! I never thought I'd miss it.

She invoked friendship to undercut the laugh, and we're still laughing. That's how funny it is!

And it was a marvel comic in 1973. Well, nerd alert. Well, ex-boyfriend named Blade alert.

I secretly switched Blade's number in her phone to my number. So if she tries to get in touch with him, it'll come to me. That's diabolical. Yeah, you're just like Blade, man. Straight up.

Step right up! Ding, ding, ding! Get your popcorn here. Hello? Busy, babe. Blade, just wait. Wait, Bla... I told you not to call me at work!

She's whipped by an imaginary douche.

Y'all ever notice that cold spot in the hallway? Oh, yeah! That thing is freezing! You know what could learn a lesson from that cold spot? The air conditioning unit in my living room.

Y'all ever notice that cold spot in the hallway? Oh, yeah! That thing is freezing! You know what could learn a lesson from that cold spot? The air conditioning unit in my living room.

I couldn't remember where I imagined the door. Then I realized I was in an actual bathroom.

Y'all ever notice the difference between me and Troy brushing our teeth? I brush my teeth like this. Troy brushes his teeth like this. I do! I do! I brush my teeth just like that.

"I could watch the first half of three movies."

He said Die Hard was bad. / I know, buddy.

"I can't go to Señor Kevin's. The manager and I are enemies. He said Die Hard was bad."

"Is this a social cue?"

"It's Blorgons with an 'r'. Blo-gon means 'thank you' in blorgon."

"I kind of do." [have a patent on being a control freak]

Abed's elaborate explanation of the Dreamatorium's 'higher functions'

"Well you see it that way because it's calibrated to a specific level of brain function... Not stupid, just less able to see what I see."

"Were we... doing it?" / "Are you being Jeff?"

"Troy invents Dance Pants in 2019. Don't tell him, he needs to stumble onto it."

"That poor guy." / "Yeah, cry me a river."

Annie's bedroom makeover disaster and the guys' traumatic reaction

It's been a long 15 years. Looks like it's gonna be a late night

It's not a short straw. It's a hot potato. Yeah, well, looks pretty cold to me

Cold? Or dead?

Why not raisin?

old west color. I don't know. I thought it was cool

Troy, Troy, hey, walk it off! Troy, walk it off!

Sorry, my friend, he's a bad cop. Yeah. I'm a good cop. Oh, good. You can trust me

And you're sure you heard a kitten meowing in here? Not anymore, so hurry up

Whoa, Nelly!

Why do they always r... Why do they always... You go ahead. Why do they always run?

He weaves baskets and lies

I think it comes from the word 'bunker'

Oh, it was done about a week ago. Then why are you still here?

♪ Troy and Abed, off to Dreamland ♪ ♪ catching the train to Sleepytown ♪ ♪ and when they wake up ♪ ♪ the Dean'll be here ♪ ♪ staring at you ♪

He's in a better place now. - Yeah. The blu-ray shelf.

I don't think he knows how ashes work.

why did you smell exactly like salami?

what if it's the darkest?

Reggie, to the time booth. We haven't much... space.

I 'Rent Tower Heist' last night, and I won't spoil the ending, but let me tell you, it was quite the hilarious Thrill Ride. That Brett Ratner, he's a master at comedic action-adventure. He's just a master at making movies in general. I'm gonna say it. He's the new Spielberg.

You're a bad person. You're a bad person.

Time enough at last to eat a sandwich. Though even he knew that this sandwich was nearer his last sandwich than his first.

He said, oldly, his brittle bones straining to support the weight of his wrinkly skin.

Pierce Hawthorne had nearly lost his grip on reality. Lately, he'd begun to think he was in a novel.

Abed, it's 4:30 in the morning, and you're in my bedroom. / Use that. Okay. And action.

You mean committed to his character work, right? Because he already is. Abed, show him your Don Draper. / Cigarettes.

It's not important anymore. I get it now. It just feels forced.

I'm a fake psychiatrist, not a fake ethnologist. / He's Arabic. / Also Polish.

Troy, why don't we open up the phone lines? / Talk to us, lonely hearts.

Cool, cool, cool.

I've never felt this way before. - Abed, don't get weird.

Yeah, she only has three moves that you activate with basic patterns of stimulus.

She'll be forced to marry a male villager or take her chances in the wilderness.

People have said similar things about me.

She can make babies for me. Oh, and I can't? I can't.

Baby abed has my eyes and her bonnet.

Troy and abed shooting lava

They're actually called glorbons.

Oof baboof, I spilled plumber's acid all over yous.

He said, "I know you hate when people do this in movies."

I'm reading the novelization of Chronicles of Riddick. Can you honestly tell me that's a saner decision?

Evil Abed, what are you doing? I'm going to cut off Jeff Winger's arm. I won't let you. That's horrible. Don't you mean dark? Welcome to my world.

Cool. I went crazy and I wanted to cut off Jeff's arm. I missed you so much, buddy.

You're the only kind of shrink I could ever trust. The kind with as little control over my mind as me.

I started out with a babbling brook, but then I layered in elements from our world. I'm sure fans of the babbling brook will complain, but I thought that was limiting.

♪ This is my show, it's about me and all my friends on Abed TV ♪

Abed's Happy Community College show is filmed before a live audience inside of my head.

Last year, Troy wished we got Bin Laden and the Dorito Taco. Yeah, but Obama got credit for both.

♪ Greendale babies, we're happy and we're free ♪

I literally just walked up. I know. I made the speech for you.

She put a pencil through his face.

You're not watching TV. - No, I'll be watching Annie. She started watching Cougar town re-runs, which makes Annie my third favorite show

June 30, 1989. Theatrical release of do the right thing.

I, too, lack the adjectives.

Oh, well, that's hallo-Wine in cougar town for ya. Oh, ladies, I'll follow you anywhere.

cool. cool, cool, cool.

But it will probably be London during the Blitz.

I haven't seen you in over 12 hours.

I know you two are having sex. I've known for weeks.

I love doughnuts.

Wait, was there a female inspector? Yes. And everyone hates her. Not because they're sexist. Because she sucks.

I sent him 700 pounds and a plane ticket, so he should be here.

But maybe there's a reason the Inspector always chooses a human companion. He's an alien, but his human friends keep him grounded and invested in the world, like with me and Troy.

You know, for the first time in my long history of being locked inside things, I knew someone would come.

No, them leaving would mean Greendale got slightly better, which, as we know, does not happen.

Doktor Blitz, knight of the Atlantis Guild, wielder of the four-pronged trident on SpawnCraft? How did you know? I recognized your catchphrase, 'Tonight we dine in hell!' I'm SpaceTimer8032.

That man saved my life. In a video game.

Just take that large cake back to the study room and enjoy it there. So there's nothing hiding inside this giant German chocolate cake? Ask Abed. You can trust him. He's a friend. Nope. Just solid cake.

Is it inside? Is it outside? You find out. We challenge you to taste the bread. This coupon is a $5 bill.

Chairs might be thrown. Weaves might be pulled.

Oh, it's been in the fridge for two years. I was saving it for a special occasion.

It did feel like a prison, and that meant only one thing made sense, conceptually. We had to break out. And someone with the gravitas of Morgan Freeman had to narrate it.

Definitely don't look behind that poster, then.

How was that, Abed? That's too beggy? No, that was great. But I could use a new camera, with a smoother zoom.

Much like the classic documentary Capturing the Friedmans, my story just took a completely unexpected turn.

Jeff, if you want this done right, I'm going to need a steadicam for Garrett.

When he's alone, he mostly just practices smiling and frowning. We've all done it.

A lot of filmmakers use crane shots to elicit emotion. What the heck, Abed?

College dean threatening a fraternity. You'll never shut down the Delta Cubes.

The Delta Cubes will never die. We've only just begun to fight. You only began yesterday.

Delta Cubes! Prepare to bond through embarrassment. Pacifiers in!

Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes!

Delta Cubes, operation, slack attack! Slack attack?

I've been making a conscious effort to get away from filtering everything through TV. I figured it's time I showed some growth. It's been three and a half seasons... Is what the old me would have said.

I've always thought of myself as more of an acquired taste... but... Okay.

That guy's like teflon. No matter how much awful stuff he does, he keep getting another chance. Yeah, he's like the Colin Farrell of people.

In the interest of growth I'm trying to avoid hijinks, as well as capers, romps, and exploits. Escapades are a gray area.

At the risk of discovering I'm living two parallel lives like that guy in Awake, don't you already have a date to the dance?

I'm also gonna need to check this Gideon's Bible and this jelly bean kaleidoscope. Icebreakers.

Because you have something in your teeth. A lot of somethings. I do? What is it? Ooh, I can't tell in this light. But it's definitely there.

No, don't! Because you have something in your teeth. A lot of somethings. I do? What is it? Ooh, I can't tell in this light. But it's definitely there. You should probably check it out in the bathroom. Maybe the second floor one? Better light.

Are you reading the Bible? No spoilers. I'm really hoping that things turn around for this Job guy.

If this were a movie, this would be the part where we kiss. You're right. Except we're doing a sitcom trope, so it'd be totally out of place.

Well, it blew up in my face, in a slightly different way than I planned.

But I was so busy chasing one trope, I missed the trope right under my nose... That the girl I liked all along was under my nose.

Wait. This one's real, right? Yeah, I'm really sad. Aww.

Pardon me, Sophie. I have something to say. There was a girl here tonight. Her name was Rachel. I met her, and it was very pleasant. And I made a mistake. And now I'd very much like to continue this conversation in private.

Do you want to pretend like you're just going out with me on a bet? Oh, I'd like that very much. But maybe we should try normal first.

But I am a fan of the medium, so... my father is withholding.

Britta said, 'Open your eyes, people.' Square. Nice.

We've been best friends for four years, so we've fallen into a comfortable, repetitive pattern like humorous misunderstandings on Three's Company or girls gossiping on Gossip Girl.

I'm alive. Square.

♪ my hand just made a rainbow ♪ ♪ Magic, magic ♪ ♪ well, these magical berries put us in a drug seq-- ♪

Um, don't mind me. I'm sure you guys can get on with your lives without the worst mom ever. Sounds good. Anyone up for a movie?

Oh, Annie explained to me that 'no gifts' means 'bring gifts.' I'm getting it. No means yes.

But, for the purpose of story symmetry, I suggest we wait here silently until the Professor arrives. It's the only real plot point we need next.

Okay, this is way better than Die Hard in a restaurant.

This is amazing and possibly all in real time.

Promise not to monologue till I get back?

At nice times like this, I wonder what's happening in the darkest timeline.

Judge Reinhold. Both: Oh.

[Stilted] Oh, Troy, you are so thoughtful. I wish I had the capacity for sentimentality like you do.

[Stilted] Me? I wish I was more like you. No emotional hang-ups, endless cool adventures. You have it so easy. No, you do, Troy. No, you do, Abed.

Both: I wish I could switch places with you for just one day! [Babbling gibberish]

I thought that would work. Yeah, we're all floored it didn't.

[Emoting, as Troy] Oh, my God. This is wrinkling my brain! And of all the days! I got my big, important meeting with my study group.

Mm. Mm-hmm. [Chuckles] Whoa! That was weird. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. We didn't mean to do that. We know exactly where we sit.

Both: Oh, thank God, you noticed.

Both: I wish I had my own body back! [Babbling gibberish]

So you're saying we're all connected like the classic French film trilogy Bleu, Blanc, Rouge? No, like something more accessible. Like Unbreakable.

No, like something more accessible. Like Unbreakable.

I call it the crazy quilt of destiny mainly because the loom of fate was already taken.

Like how awesome it is when Uncle Ben is murdered in Spider-Man.

Okay, if you like Star Wars, why do you wanna murder it and urinate on its grave? The prequels are terrible.

wouldn't Chewbacca, at some point, go, 'Hey, Yoda, I know that guy'?

I go wherever it plays to warn people. You've been warned.

Just ten minutes ago, I would've been so excited about that peeing thing.

I wanted to make a prequel and I ruined everything.

I should probably write George Lucas a note of apology. Okay, let's not get crazy.

Crystal Skull was aliens, so it's a pretty great film.

Midichlorians. Midichlorians!

Cool, cool, cool.

So what you're saying is that we're all each other's Uncle Ben's murder. And we're all Spider-Men. Yeah. Let's say I'm saying that.

I'm out. You're too in to be out.

I don't get it. We just had Christmas, and now it's warm outside. Of course it is, dummy. We just finished fall-spring semester. Bring on summer-winter.

My final film school class is just called opinions. Professor Taylor is scheduled to teach, but I have a rebuttal.

Hello, Evil Jeff. What? How did you-- I may not be good with facial expressions, but I know an evil doppelganger when I see one. Plus your arm makes a noise every time you move it.

Cool. Wait. Cold.

Kind of a Superman III meets that Star Trek episode meets season three of The Cape. The Cape was cancelled. Not here. They retooled it for cable, and it's awesome.

Friendship!

Haven't you noticed the vending machines are full of meats and hard-boiled eggs? Or that all the background students are attractive women?

Don't logic this one away from me. We finally figured out a way to make paintball cool again.

How many times have I told you, the show doesn't really exist. No one's watching. Duh-doy. We know. Yeah, we're just messing around.

I see your value now.

And me calling years 'seasons' is a callback to my first season dialogue, and me calling...

We could repilot it. This could be like Scrubs season nine, a revamp, a do-over.

I didn't like the number. 555? It's derivative. It sounds fake. How can every number start with 555? Are there only 10,000 numbers?

your tears are just ones and zeroes to me.

I'm much sadder than the rest of you. [Sniffling] I will figure out why later.

After being rehired as a security guard after being fired for impersonating a teacher. That's insane, and I'm Abed.

See, he does a voice-over wrap-up at the end of every episode. - Wow. - Cool.

Table, resume table mode. - Table, power down. Wait! I got a cup on there.

Mr. Nadir drove our TV Studies professor out of his mind by proving that there was an answer to the question 'Who's the Boss?' - Angela.

Robert Downey Jr., good, Jim Belushi, bad. Van Damme, the good kind of bad, Johnny Depp, the bad kind of good.

Maybe Nicolas Cage is just... crazy. - All actors are crazy, Annie.

Because this... this is my reality, this is how I learned to be, and my being doesn't allow for Nicolas... Freaking Cage, okay?

Oh, I'm a cat. I'm a sexy cat.

I thought the meaning of people was somewhere in here. Then I looked inside Nicolas Cage and I found a secret. People are random and pointless.

So Nicolas Cage is Jesus? - Uh, no, but he clearly works in mysterious ways.

A demon to some and an angel to others, like a cenobite.

Double fruit bonus. Crikey! Kiwi combo, mate. You can't handle the fruit.

Using a social disorder as a procedural device. Mildly autistic super detectives everywhere.

It hurts.

♪ Troy and Abed are in mourning ♪

I don't think the audience got that we were singing 'mourning' with a 'u'. / You were singing 'mourning' with a 'u'? / Oh, no.

I always wanted to try a polygraph. They're like the pie fight of cop movies. Or the acupuncture of the legal system.

The gold coins are for buying food.

Do you and Troy still actively use Jeff's Netflix account without his permission? / Wait, what? / You told Pierce that?

We've been washing paper plates and making our own toothpaste. But don't you worry. When we have robot bodies on the moon, we can share a free jacket.

I forgive you, but only to escape the established pattern of self-righteous indignation followed by immediate comeuppance.

Okay, I guess it's happening anyway. You broke my heart. Continue.

You're tracking us? We're mad at you, Abed. Why? Because we already live in a totalitarian surveillance state. Do you not read my status updates?

I was trying to get it back. They're expensive. And he's not moving anymore.

I noticed whenever you were in a relationship, you hummed a lot and made pancakes in the morning. It wasn't about hurting you. I did what I did in the name of breakfast.

Britta's the one that invited Garrett to Annie's birthday party! Troy won't sit on a toilet seat after Jeff! When we're alone, Shirley refers to you guys as 'those people.' When Annie's with other females, dude, she calls Jeff her uncle!

When any of you chew gum, I want to punch you. You may as well have submachine guns in your mouths. It vibrates my skull.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool. / That's a lie.

Oh, announcements! Announcements! Oh, I love these. Whoo! Announcements!

No coming back as a lava monster

The non-awesome often need incentive to do awesome stuff

♪ Troy and Abed in a bubble ♪

I made a game that made you and everyone else see what I see

So because you're three seasons behind, we have to live in a fantasy world where there's no such thing as dragons?

Please fill out this form, but don't talk to me. I can't hear.

Barbagarbagarba garbabarbabarba? That was gibberish. You're good.

Please fill out this form, but don't talk to me. I can't hear.

You learned a lesson, and I gave a differently abled person a job.

They shouldn't have redesigned that costume. Keep your heads in the sand if you want.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

I am Kickpuncher. You are in violation of future law. Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!

Annie banned glue guns from the apartment after an incident so hilarious that even describing it would narratively eclipse what's happening here.

You're not the Marco Polo of bullying me. You're just another tourist taking pictures of a great, big wall.

Looked like you were doodling chickens. He is a duck!

You're a bad person and a bad cartoonist. / You go ahead. Hurt my feelings. / Oh! You have feelings, huh?

Jim the Duck? Publishers are interested! Oh! Yeah, well, publishers are stupid. Either that or you're misinterpreting what was probably a form letter.

Wait, the character's name is 'Police Justice'? Yeah, I think I may be able to help.

Millimeter don't make no difference. Bullets just kinda kill you. / 'Bullets just kinda kill you.' Are you quoting something? Can I use that?

I-I just don't like being left behind! My father got drunk in pubs and left me in my room with nothing! So did mine! Oh, why would he do that? Why do they do that? Why?

you were getting through more...with mustard on your lip

I make small talk now

I don't wanna be a five. I was happy as a three. I'm miserable

You people are monsters

By the way, guys, it's a Saturday. You're all in school for nothing. Go home and get some sleep

Been dating for one of your months. Our relationship is 12 times more efficient, so a year.

Sleep cycles are in sync, communicate with eyebrows. She knows my Netflix password. Jeff's password.

My concern would be he's a Viking, might only use our home as a temporary base before moving inland.

No, Anthony. Just cut the carrots. / I don't think you heard his question. The answer is yes.

I can't accept that based on one story.

Coins create parallel timelines. / That's a nine-sided coin.

You or Anthony win, I'll surrender, count down days until he eats me.

Sure this is a game and not some art film?

I'm sorry, Rachel, is this your home?

Troy was an important part of our apartment. He kept the peace. Going a little crazy without him.

Was everyone's takeaway last time that we use D&D to reprogram brains? Not that we almost caused a suicide?

Satisfying sequel's difficult. Many geniuses defeated themselves through hubris. Making this a chance to prove I'm better. I'm in!

His body becomes wreathed in white hot flame, burning Hector for...Six damage.

Would've been constructed in the third age by goblins. They used primitive iron anchors.

Larger, stronger, and worth more in Scrabble than regular goblins.

I owe you nothing. I am a Dungeon Master. I create a boundless world, and I bind it by rules. Too heavy for a bridge? It breaks. Get hit? Take damage. Spend an hour outside someone's front door fighting over who gets to kill him? He leaves through the back.

I owe you nothing. I am a Dungeon Master. I create a boundless world, and I bind it by rules.

Oh, a goblin notices you and murders you all. You're dead. They're all yours.

I don't think it's nice to pigeonhole people's gimmicks.

You hear me, Two-Voice?

It's 3 dollars. What are you playing? That's control software for some kind of irrigation equipment.

Call to adventure. Call to adventure.

Something that sounds normal and boring but is scary. Like a raised mole or a turkey deep fryer.

There is no story. - Everything's a story, Jeff.

Wait. If there's no story, what am I explaining? I'm in a story.

Me with a beard? Keep fighting the story. Keep fighting it until it falls apart. I'm right. I mean, I'm wrong. I mean, I'm right. I mean, I'm wrong.

Unsubscribe.

Chang just unexpectedly betrayed the group for the last time.

Won't know them from ordinary robots until they kill us.

But I know TV. When characters feel the show they're on is ending...their instinct is to spin off into something safer.

In Jeff and Britta's case...something that'd last six episodes, have bickering...starring them and an equally WASP-y couple...with a title like 'Better With My Worse Half' or 'Tying the Not.'

'Knot' is spelled without a K. Or #CouplePeopleProblems.

This is our show, and it's not over.

I have a girlfriend. - What? - You were about to start a kiss lean. - I was not.

We'll definitely be back next year. If not, it'll be because an asteroid has destroyed all human civilisation...and that's canon.

Abed's not comfortable with C-H-A-N-G-E. Hey, screw you. I can spell.

Did she spin off? Nobody spins off in real life, Abed.

Our friend used to sit there. She spun off.

To be fair, she's an additional white person, which has clearly become important here.

Temporal mutation in English, Doc.

Simply put Mr. President, in 12 hours these dinosaurs will become- Time-asaurs.

I'm worried you're not distinct enough for Manny both in terms of physicality and purpose.

My umbrella concern is that you, as a character, represent the end of what I used to call our show

Where's that Pierce hologram? Jeff said last year he saw a Pierce hologram. None of the rest of us have ever seen it.

Where's that Pierce hologram? Jeff said last year he saw a Pierce hologram. None of the rest of us have ever seen it.

You're the first person to say that that I didn't immediately delete from my brain.

Yup, I learned to pick up on that one.

Yup, I learned to pick up on that one.

Yes, that was a test. You guys are bad friends.

So, we broke up as friends.

I think you scare people, because you live in the real world instead of up your butt.

Pokemons. Leprechauns. You guys ever hear of The Slender Man? You guys on Reddit, 4Chan? Cuz it's awesome.

Pokemons. Leprechauns. You guys ever hear of The Slender Man? You guys on Reddit, 4Chan? Cuz it's awesome.

I can't picture a montage cutting from me verifying Diane's invoice to me emailing confirmation to Diane.

It's a movie apologizing for reality. And we are where? Reality. And what do people do here? They email Diane.

Miller's Crossing. Mm hm.

I said I don't do this, see. You dirty rat. Guys are all dirty rats.

You guys know about tardigrades? They're these microscopic creatures that look like robot bears. They can survive in space.

Get into space, you dirty tardigrades, see?

Why is that guy a carrot? Because they ran out.

Cut to everyone on campus getting as drunk as they want montage.

Like a montage of them?

Oh, did she get high again and forget she doesn't wear contacts?

Britta's a rich genius with super powers and she's gonna live on our sofa for no reason.

I wanted a Murphy bed for shenanigans but the cost to shenanigan ratio was too high.

It's Portugal's answer to Gremlins if Gremlins' question was how can you totally rip us off without spending any money and having watched us maybe twice?

The green ones are bad and the red ones are kind of like isolationists. It's a metaphor for World War II.

There are times when change needs to be different, then there's changes that are more the same. But the same changes don't tend to be different than the changes that came before.

I have a theory about this, Britta may be secretly twins.

The brotherhood of AV exists your petty factionalism. We serve only video, the one true queen, and her faithful consort, audio.

No, most of us have achieved our maximum potential.

Why would a tree throw eggs at a snake? / Why would a papal be fighting a monkey?

I'm assuming it's still the same, smaller holes, more bytes. / Now what are we up to now, mega? / Tera. / They did it, those bastards. They finally did it.

Can I be his assistant? / Not for money. / Can I be his friend? / Elroy Abed is your friend.

Same reason my mom took my half brother to Arizona.

What are you, a demon? Did Clive Barker write you?

Mean? You just did a baby bird murder monologue.

What's that? / Exactly.

If they're albatrosses, we're in trouble. Albatrosses have a 270 day fledgling period.

Two of them died. There's one left. He's hanging on, but I'm worried he's turning into a symbol of my own innocence.

Maybe that's the lesson. / Maybe we all lost a button.

Oh, I'll always remember how you kept me from getting email for a week. And that chirp you do when you want more bread.

And now everyone, please put on your cat masks and finger wings. With these cat masks, we remind you that this place can no longer be your home, but with the fluttering of these wings, we symbolically join your flight into the natural world.

I'd like to make this moment worth popping back to from some point in the future.

I'm glad I kicked that habit it was getting a little joyless.

They're like conventions for every subject too boring to have their own convention.

That was for my movie Reverse Godzilla. I also thought it might make a good pop back.

I make movies, Annie makes rules, you make parties. Her rules cancel out your parties, but I'm not involved, I just make movies.

Britta's Party, based on a true story of fun and no rules.

Everyone has a great time and parties like there's no tomorrow, then they leave. Sophia cleans up. The end.

I see the real time stakes of Can't Hardly Wait, the subversive raunch of Risky Business, and the mumbly pointlessness of everything after 2003.

Party like there's no tomorrow. What? There's no tomorrow. Party like it.

Try dancing harder. Is that as hard as you can dance?

They keep dancing like it's today.

I'll need a broom, a remote control car, an iPad and an elaborate gyroscopically stabilized servomotor.

Initiating override protocol. All in favor of this purchase? Affirmative. Very well, Abeds commence with world domination. Eradicate, eradicate, eradicate.

I found a torrent of all the highlights if you don't want to wait for the ads to load

I have read everything you guys have ever wrote about me in an email. And you guys are the worst people in the world.

Unless you're too busy telling your girlfriend I don't understand Donnie Darko.

Dear new ensemble, I love you more than my dad.

Troy was very gifted at steel drums.

That won't pay off immediately, but it's gonna pay off. And that Jeff, is the truth.

Who would have predicted Chang becoming famous? Technically, I did, remember? Only, I thought it would be for... Eating someone, yeah.

What have I told you about quitting? That it's sometimes the only way to survive. Well, don't forget I said sometimes.

Real life former cops aren't great with dialogue.

Chang found out the McRib was back and we lost the rest of the day. Great actor, huge McRib problem.

He's a genuine Hollywood film producer whose doctor ordered him to live in Colorado due to a medical condition. Yeah, my blood nitrogen levels are through the roof. Most of the time, I can't... Oh, no, no the other thing.

It's my American Graffiti, my Elephant Man, my Four Rooms, the Robert Rodriguez segment.

Okay, but I get final cut, and it has to be a good movie. Agreed, but you have to finish that cut by Monday, even if it's bad. I agree to that, but it has to be good by my standards. Absolutely, and also, if it's terrible, nobody will notice or care.

So, let's crap out this piece of crap. That attitude concerns me.

It's Sci-fi, it doesn't matter. Please don't say that.

You're the back of Chang.

Scorpio Nine, I'm a pleasure droid. No, I'm an assassin? You're both, keep going.

I work out. Really? Yes, because I'm not an artist like you, but this is a kind of canvas.

So the robot also says yooba dooba. I'm not complaining. It's just that everyone who's not a person is saying 'Yooba Dooba.'

What the hell was that? You stay away! This is my movie too!

God made that happen. God made this movie, and it's dumb. And we're dumb for being in it.

Life is a big, dumb, pointless movie with no story and an abrupt ending where the hero gets shot by Dracula in the middle of a lunch order during an outtake.

I've always wanted to learn more about grifting ever since I saw 1990's The Grifters, featuring John Cusack, Anjelica Huston, and almost no grifting.

Okay, just so you know, if I do and we have half Sting children, when they ask me how to grift, I'm gonna tell them to watch their mother, not listen to you!

You know how sometimes a movie or a show begins on a random, intriguing scene with no context given encouraging you to wonder whoa, how'd this crazy scenario come to be? And then it cuts to black and a title comes up and says three weeks earlier. Huh. Here we are.

Sitting in silence, crammed into an RV. Winding through the mountain roads of Colorado with a 19 foot fiberglass hand tied to the roof.

Oh, I guess we'll not doing the three weeks earlier thing. Abed insert dialogue here by you dropping the fourth wall shtick.

This is a lot of narrative pipe. Maybe we did need a three weeks earlier flashback.

Season two you mean? I don't know. I can change my mind.

Show, show, show, is a show, show, show. So now it's a show about this? Oh, you're right, that's way worse.

Aah! Don't move, don't move! What the hell else are we supposed to do? Flashback with me.

And I think we all know how ironic that is, no offense, Abed. None possible.

And I think we all know how ironic that is, no offense, Abed. None possible.

I appreciate your appeal to my well know passion for athletics, and sarcasm, but I didn't actually bond with him. I almost killed him.

A bunch of people in an RV? And I had to Christopher Nolan it?

That was pretty good.

A hand has two functions, to grip and to release. But without both of these powers, it is useless. Like newborn infants, we grab what comes near us, hoping to control it, taste it, jam it into another child's eye.

Ideas, stories, pride, girls in soft sweaters, video games, buttered noodles, grip one for too long and you lose so much that you've never held.

Occasionally our campus erupts into a flawless, post modern, homage to action adventure mythology, mischaracterized by the ignorant as parody.

Don't hate the player. Colloquialisms aside, Annie's right.

Well, it's official. I'm getting laid.

It's almost like groups and people in groups, can never be complete at the same time. Does that make any sense? No? Well, that's your problem.

Am I that bad? We have the same dragon. Eventually you will slay it, or train it, or dissolve in its stomach. Its name is Helping Others.

If you slay it, I don't know. I guess you get a new dragon named Yourself. And then you'd be Jeff Winger.

Carson Scaley. Jude Claw. Ariana Puffington. I got into a bit of a celebrity pun barrel here.

None of us would have met if Hitler hadn't been born. Also none of Britta's arguments would have a default analogy.

School's out, bitches.

Why bring a metronome? I thought the sound might accentuate the anxious idleness of our last meeting's final seconds. Good job, bad idea.

You guys think bars scene always have to start at a billiards shot? Or do you think every time someone takes a shot a in billiards they start a new bar scene without knowing it?

You can just say shut up Abed.

I mean, what show ever peaks after season six? Simpsons, Seinfeld, South Park, Friends. Those shows weren't hemorrhaging characters every year. Oh, I don't like that word, hemorrhaging.

Well, basically. I have a placeholder so set up it, makes analogies look like punchlines. My setup lacks awareness, but my punchline doesn't know. Abusively cynical one liner dismissing everything you just said. Absurd reaction.

Abed? Lizard. Fire hydrant. Obama. Shane!

Stop! Crazy, and racist, and terrible! I agree. You're being way too linear about this.

By the way, terrible improv. Ice cube head? You were just looking at your drink. Busted.

Why doesn't the audience feel sorry for me? Britta, your parents have been murdered. By whom? The police won't touch it. They're calling it a double suicide.

TV defeats it's own purpose when it's pushing an agenda, or trying to defeat other TV or being proud or ashamed of itself for existing. It's TV, it's comfort.

And it needs to be okay for it to get on a boat with Levar Burton and never come back. Because eventually, it all will.

Yeah, like a real TV executive I was letting you guys work your ass off, because there's no profit in saying no to an idea, but now that it's time for me to commit I have to pass.

That's six seasons and a movie. Jeff I know it comforts you to look at things through that metal lens, but this is reality.

Cool. Cool, cool. Cool. That was one cool for each season. Wait, do it again. I want to try something. Cool. Cool, cool. Cool. Oh. Cool, cool. I farted during the fourth one. It's an inside joke.