Cooperative Escapism in Familial Relations

Pierce:Back in my day, we didn't have to worry about all this political correctness nonsense. We could just say what we wanted without someone getting offended every five seconds.

Pierce:Now I can't even enjoy Black Friday without having to call it 'African American Friday' or some such ridiculous thing.

Annie:So my aunt's boyfriend asks me, 'Are those real?'

Annie:And I'm like, 'Are what real?'

Annie:My breasts.

Troy:Why do we have to make small talk before eating terrible food? That's what Thanksgiving is!

Jeff:Oh, Thanksgiving dinner with the group? Great. I'm sure it'll be a real step up from my usual frozen dinner for one.

Dean Pelton:Deandy, everyone!

Dean Pelton:Well, pilgrim, I reckon you could say I'm fixin' to mosey on down to the saloon...

Jeff Winger:That's John Wayne.

Dean Pelton:Oh, thank God. I was so worried no one would get it.

Dean Pelton:Come join us for Greendale's Thanksgiving dinner! It's a wonderful opportunity to celebrate with the college community.

Dean Pelton:Of course, studies show that attending Greendale significantly increases your risk of depression, but the stuffing is really good!

Dean Pelton:Yes, well, as a safety precaution, we're removing all suicide methods from campus.

Dean Pelton:We've taken down the rafters, we're filling in the moat, and we're confiscating all the hard candies.

Annie:I read your email, I listened to your voicemail, and I may have gone through your trash.

Pierce:Wait, so you're finally going to tell your father that you're... you know.

Jeff:What? No! Pierce, why would you think that?

Pierce:Well, you're meeting with your father to have some big talk. You're emotional about it. It's not that hard to put together.

Britta:That's great, Jeff. You're doing really well in therapy.

Britta:You should be proud of yourself. I mean, confronting your issues head-on like that.

Britta:Give yourself permission to feel good about it. You've earned it.

Britta:Namaste.

Britta:Family dinners can get really emotionally messy.

Jeff:You know what's messy? Troy doesn't eat anything. He showed up to a potluck with a jar of mayonnaise.

Troy:It's a condiment!

Jeff:It's a cry for help.

Jeff:Yams under marshmallows? That's just false advertising.

Troy:What?

Jeff:You're eating marshmallows. The yam is just a vehicle.

Troy:No... no, that's not... you're wrong.

Abed:He's right, Troy. It's marshmallow soup.

Troy:My entire life is a lie.

Abed:I've learned from daytime television that family reunions follow a very specific formula. First, there's the dramatic reveal where someone hasn't seen their estranged relative in years. Then comes the emotional breakdown, usually involving tears and a hug. Finally, the host gives away a car or a trip to Sandals Jamaica.

Jeff:Annie, I need some privacy.

Annie:But how am I supposed to know what you're doing if I can't see you? This is so unfair!

Troy:Hey everyone, happy Thanksgiving! I'm feeling so grateful and blessed, you know what I'm saying? That's what the kids say, right? We're gonna have ourselves a real gobble-gobble good time!

Troy:Jive turkey!

Shirley:Yeah, you did need to get that out.

Shirley:Welcome, welcome! Come on in, everyone! I made my famous baked goods, and oh, I just happen to have some pamphlets about our church's new ministry right here by the door.

Shirley:What? I don't have an agenda! I just like sharing information!

Pierce's Father-in-law:These appetizers are an insult to my palate. If they don't improve immediately, I'm leaving this party and never coming back.

Abed:I brought hummus.

Abed:It's from 2009. I was saving it for a special occasion.

Shirley:Oh Abed, these crackers are... well, they're going right in the trash.

Abed:The crackers are in the trash?

Shirley:No, no. I mean I'm putting them in the trash.

Jeff:What do you mean 'here'?

Britta:I mean I'm already at your father's house.

Britta:You know, your son is a lot like Han Solo. Charismatic, self-centered, only cares about money.

William Barksdale:...I'm going to pretend I know what that means.

Pierce:It's a classic reference! Abed, back me up here.

Abed:I'm not going to validate that, Pierce.

Pierce:But you know every movie and TV reference ever made!

Abed:Yeah, and I know when something is just offensive.

Troy:This is like Jonestown, except instead of poison Kool-Aid, we're being slowly murdered by disappointment and potato salad.

Troy:This is like jail. Prison violence, shanks, people getting... you know, physically... changed.

Troy:But my real concern is I'm gonna get huge arms and I won't be able to find shirts that fit.

Abed:We're trapped in a bottle episode. The group's confined to one location, which means we're either going to have a very special moment or someone's going to say something that's been building up all season.

Abed:Based on the structure, I'd say we're about six minutes away from either a heartfelt conversation or someone flipping the table. It's a 50-50 split.

Jeff:You know what? You're going to stop messing with my father situation. In fact, from now on, if you mess anything up, we're going to say you 'Britta'd' it.

Britta:That's not fair!

Jeff:Oh, you don't like it? Welcome to the club. It's called 'Everything Britta Does.'

Jeff:Okay, so you're saying there are no accidents. My dad didn't accidentally leave us. He chose to leave us.

Jeff:And when I accidentally drove my car into a fountain, I was actually expressing a deep-seated need for aquatic humiliation.

Jeff:The Hindenburg? Not an accident. That was a cry for help.

Jeff:And when Britney Spears shaved her head, she was making a statement about modern celebrity. Which she was. But also it was an accident.

Britta:This is clearly a repressed Oedipal complex manifesting through your inability to process paternal abandonment, which has led you to seek validation through academic achievement as a substitute for genuine emotional intimacy.

Willy Junior:You think you're replacing me? Is that what this is about?

Jeff:What? No, man, I'm just—

Willy Junior:It's like Twins. You're the good-looking one they kept, and I'm Danny DeVito.

Abed:I've actually been digging a tunnel under the school for the past three months. It's almost done.

Pierce:Abed would love that. He's into that sci-fi stuff.

Abed:Actually, I hate sci-fi.

Pierce:Well, screw you, Dick.

Shirley:Oh honey, is it your time of the month? Do you need to go home and... change your monthly friend?

Abed:And so Annie attempted her escape. But Thanksgiving, like a remorseless predator, would not be denied. The holiday had other plans. Plans that involved uncomfortable silences, passive-aggressive comments about life choices, and at least one heated argument about politics that would be regretted by morning.

Jeff:Your hair looks great, dad.

William Lawson:Thanks, son.

Jeff:I'm just saying, you're not bald.

Britta:Family therapy is all about working through your issues together. So, I guess you could say we need to... *process* this as a family.

Britta:Get it? Process? Like... therapy?

Britta:That was a good one.

Jeff:I'm a lawyer.

Jeff:Well, I was a lawyer. Turns out I never actually went to law school. I just have a really good suit and I'm very attractive.

Jeff:I've been committing fraud. I never actually went to college. I'm a fraud.

William:That's nothing. I've been living under seven different identities across Europe for the last fifteen years.

Jeff:Wait, so my dad didn't actually become a better parent. He just got trapped with another kid and gave up.

William:He's been promising to move out for a decade.

Jeff:A decade? That's... that's basically a lifetime in dependency years.

William:I know. I've enabled him. I'm a terrible father.

Britta:No, you're just a father. There's a difference.

Abed:The specific horror of outdated pop culture impressions is that they're never quite wrong enough to be funny, and never quite current enough to be relevant. It's like watching someone do a Dane Cook impression in 2015.

Abed:The vague and probably offensive excuse about Jewish practices

Pierce:I'm getting out of here. I'm gonna fake a back injury, collect workman's comp, and spend the rest of my days at Paddy's Pub.

Jeff:That's not even our bar.

Pierce:Exactly. Clean getaway.

Pierce:Wait, you mean I was supposed to fake it? This whole time I thought—oh my God, that's hilarious! I've been in actual agony and you people have been laughing at me like it's the funniest thing you've ever seen!

Pierce:Well, joke's on you, because my pain is real and apparently hilarious. I'll take the laughs however I can get them.

Troy:We could get sick. You know, so we have an excuse to leave.

Abed:That's a good idea.

Troy:No, I mean actually sick. Like, physically ill.

William:You see, Britta, existence precedes essence. In abandoning Jeff, I was merely asserting my authentic self against the constructed societal paradigm of paternal obligation. The Hegelian dialectic of presence and absence—

Britta:You're just using big words so you don't have to feel bad about being a terrible dad.

Jeff:So what you're saying is, you abandoned me, and I turned out fine, so that makes you a great parent?

William:Exactly! I gave you the gift of independence.

Jeff:You gave me abandonment issues and a crippling need for approval from older men. Which, granted, I've turned into a pretty successful career, but let's not pretend you had a parenting strategy.

Annie:Why did we have to eat it in that order? Couldn't we have started with the sour cream instead of the garbage?

Abed:We're in a prison movie now. Shirley's the lifer, I'm the guy who gets killed in the yard to show how real it is.

Abed:Except this prison movie is about to become a kitchen sink drama because Shirley's family responsibilities are too grounded and depressing for the metaphor.

Abed:We've switched genres. We're now in a Lifetime movie about the sacrifices mothers make.

Willy Junior:Jeff, I want you to teach me to be emotionally distant like you.

Jeff:Why would you want that?

Willy Junior:Because you're so good at it. You never let anyone get close to you.

Jeff:That's... that's not something to aspire to.

Willy Junior:But you make it look so easy.

Jeff:Okay, I'm confused. Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because that's not how this works.

Willy Junior:I want to learn the difference between emotional and physical pain. Like, emotional pain is when someone breaks your heart, but physical pain is when someone breaks your legs.

Jeff:That's actually really helpful, Britta. Thank you.

Jeff:Okay, but seriously though, you're a terrible psychologist.

Troy:I've mapped out the entire escape route using interpretive dance and a series of increasingly aggressive hand gestures.

Troy:Okay, so here's how we get Shirley out. First, we create a diversion by setting off the fire alarm.

Troy:Then we rappel down the side of the building using bedsheets tied together.

Troy:Once we hit the ground, we commandeer a nearby garbage truck and drive it through the front entrance.

Troy:From there, we take a hot air balloon to the Mexican border, where we've got a submarine waiting.

Troy:And finally, we use the submarine to tunnel under the Earth to freedom in New Zealand.

Willy Jr.:Jeff! You came back!

Jeff:Dad, we need to talk.

Willy Jr.:Of course, son. Anything for you. I've missed you so much!

Jeff:I cut myself to maintain a lie about needing attention.

Jeff:I kept all the get-well cards. Not because I'm sentimental, but because... they proved someone cared enough to send them. That's the saddest part of my whole story—I needed a broken arm to feel loved.

William:I'm faking it. I'm faking the whole thing. I just... I needed attention.

Britta:This is clearly a manifestation of unresolved Oedipal tension masquerading as paternal bonding.

Abed:And that's how Thanksgiving went down at Greendale that year. Pierce's performance art piece, which was somehow simultaneously offensive, confusing, and oddly elaborate, became the thing nobody wanted to talk about but everyone couldn't stop thinking about.

Pierce:It's not racist if I'm doing it ironically. Abed does it all the time with his movie references.

Abed:That's not how that works, Pierce.

Pierce:No, no, I'm being post-modern about it. I'm deconstructing the very nature of the offensive stereotype by performing it in a self-aware manner.

Abed:You're just being racist.

Abed:And so we learn that life is like a blanket...

Abed:Wait, no. Life is nothing like a blanket.

Abed:I'm hoping for a Die Hard Christmas episode. You know, where they're trapped in a building on Christmas Eve, and it turns out the bad guys are really just after the safety deposit boxes in the vault.