Advanced Documentary Filmmaking

Chang:My name is Kevin G. Chang. I've suffered from amnesia for several years now.

Chang:The worst part? I can't even remember my own name.

Chang:I have a condition where I lose my memory. It's called... I forget what it's called.

Chang:This is a mirror. It's special, shiny glass. I see a handsome young man looking back at me.

Chang:I'd say he's about 15 years old.

Chang:I suffer from a condition where I compulsively make puns and wordplay, often at inappropriate moments, completely oblivious to how much it bothers everyone around me.

Chang:It's really quite a problem. You might say my humor is... un-CHANG-ed.

Dean Pelton:Chang's been through quite a career journey here. Started as a Spanish teacher, then security guard, then... well, the titles got creative. At one point he was 'Deputy Dean of Discipline,' then 'Campus Security Commander,' and by the end... 'Power Hungry Warlord.'

Dean Pelton:I have a theory about Kevin's condition. You see, most people go crazy, but Kevin went un-crazy. It's reverse psychology, but for sanity. The more insane things happen around him, the saner he becomes. It's a very rare medical condition I just invented.

Dean Pelton:That's not how the human body works.

Annie:Actually, Dean, the Dean is right. If you consume too much dairy, your bones turn into cheese.

Dean Pelton:We need this grant money for the school. It's absolutely critical for our survival as an institution.

Dean Pelton:And, oh, it would also help pay for that documentary someone's been making about me.

Dean Pelton:So, what did you think of my grant pitch?

Abed:It was great, Dean. Really compelling. By the way, we're gonna need a new camera, better lighting, and a Steadicam.

Dean Pelton:Abed, that's not feedback on the pitch.

Abed:No, but it's feedback you needed to hear.

Jeff:What the hell, Abed?

Britta:Wait, we need to talk about the glitter. This is craft-store glitter, which means it's like 40% actual glitter and 60% broken dreams and plastic shavings.

Britta:If we're going to do this documentary, we need to do it right. We need professional-grade glitter.

Britta:I'm not putting my name on a banner that looks like it was made by someone who shops at a dollar store.

Troy:So I checked with the registrar, and Spanish is completely full.

Troy:But if I have a minor heart attack, I can get priority registration.

Troy:How many heart attacks do you think I'd need for early enrollment?

Jeff:Chang, you've committed fraud, identity theft, impersonation of a security officer, breaking and entering...

Jeff:You've stolen cars, you've faked your own death, you've terrorized a campus, you've run an illegal gaming operation...

Jeff:And most egregiously, you consumed your twin brother in the womb.

Chang:Oh my God! Things are bigger when you look through this!

Chang:I can see the pores on my skin! I'm disgusting!

Jeff:Kevin isn't real. You guys are all crazy.

Chang:Kevin is as real as my life in the Kalahari.

Jeff:No, that's the thing — Kevin is definitely not real. But your Kalahari thing, at least that's fiction we all agree on.

Shirley:My business slogan is 'Kevin-ly' — as in, heavenly, but with my husband's name!

Jeff:Not calling you Kevin.

Chang:Okay, Jeff.

Shirley:You know, I believe in second chances. I gave my ex-husband Andre plenty of them when he was cheating on me.

Shirley:So if Chang deserves a second chance, then so does everyone.

Jeff:Look, I've been thinking a lot about this, and I realize I may have been too harsh on Chang.

Jeff:He's a human being with feelings, and we should all try to be more compassionate and understanding.

Jeff:That's why I've decided to sit down with him, hear his side of the story, and then systematically document every insane thing he's done so I can destroy him socially and professionally.

Jeff:Look, I know what you're thinking. But here's the thing about my friends - they're incredibly easy to manipulate. I mean, it's almost unfair how gullible they are. Britta believes anything I tell her about psychology. Troy will follow me anywhere if I appeal to his sense of loyalty. Annie does whatever I suggest if I frame it as 'the right thing to do.' And don't even get me started on Abed - he's so busy analyzing narratives that he doesn't see when he's living in one I'm writing. So yeah, maybe I'm not the best friend. But I'm definitely the smartest one in the room. And that's really all that matters.

Abed:This is very 'Dogme 95' of you.

Jeff:We need to expose Chang for what he really is.

Abed:Okay, but we're gonna need better cameras, lighting rigs, and a steadicam.

Pierce:I'll host the reception! I've got some great material. You know what they say about women drivers? They're terrible! And what's the deal with airline food? It tastes like airplane! Oh, and here's a good one — I do an impression of an Asian person. *makes offensive accent* 'Hello, welcome to my restaurant!' Classic stuff!

Troy:Okay, partner, first things first. We need detective names.

Annie:I was thinking 'The Paperwork Avenger' or something clever with my actual name.

Troy:No, no, no. I'm gonna call you... Reggie.

Annie:Reggie? Why Reggie?

Troy:I don't know. It just feels like a Reggie.

Troy:See, in a detective duo, one guy's gotta be the good cop, and the other guy's gotta be the bad cop.

Annie:That's not how it works.

Troy:Yes it is.

Annie:No, it's not.

Troy:Annie, I'm a detective. I think I know how detective dynamics work.

Chang:You think I don't remember? I remember everything. Every single word you said to me about being a lawyer.

Chang:[recites entire lengthy conversation word-for-word]

Jeff:So you're telling me you remember everything?

Chang:Perfect memory. It's a gift.

Jeff:That must be exhausting.

Chang:I have a condition. My brain filters out emotional pain.

Jeff:Wait, you've been playing me this whole time?

Chang:I'm not Chinese, Jeff.

Jeff:What? Yes, you are.

Chang:No, I'm Korean.

Jeff:That's... that's basically the same thing.

Chang:Is it? Would you like me to explain the difference, or should I just assume you're not interested in learning?

Britta:I was going to call it 'Docutainment' but apparently that's already a thing.

Britta:So I came up with 'Edutainment'... which is also apparently a thing.

Britta:Fine. 'Infotainment.' But I invented that one first in my head.

Pierce:So I walk into this bar, right? And there's this guy at the counter...

Pierce:I said to him, 'Hey buddy, what's with the long face?' He says, 'My wife left me.'

Pierce:I said, 'Well, that's what you get for marrying a woman who can think for herself!'

Pierce:Then I realized—she probably left because of his terrible personality. Like his whole ethnic group's terrible personality.

Pierce:Which reminds me of this time I paid for a woman's company, but I'm not going to say where because that would be illegal in most states.

Annie:Okay Garrett, just keep the camera steady.

Garrett:I'm trying, but this thing weighs a ton!

Annie:It's not that heavy. Just hold it up.

Garrett:Easy for you to say. My arms are already shaking.

Annie:We've only been filming for thirty seconds.

Garrett:Thirty seconds?! It feels like thirty minutes!

Troy:Wait, so you're Sherlock Holmes?

Annie:No, you're Sherlock Holmes.

Troy:But I thought—

Annie:You're Watson. I'm Holmes.

Troy:Why do you get to be Holmes?

Annie:Because I'm smarter than you.

Troy:That's not how detective partnerships work!

Sullivan:I saw something emerge from that trout tank. Something with eyes full of rage and... purpose.

Sullivan:The trout. They know what we did to them. They're coming back for revenge.

Sullivan:Don't you see? This is their endgame. Years of planning in that tank, waiting for the moment we'd least expect it.

Sullivan:Oh thank God, it's just a naked man. For a second there I thought it was a vengeful trout.

Sullivan:Look, I don't know anything about the employees at the trout farm. That's not really my world.

Sullivan:I mean, I got a dog at home, but that's about it.

Mr. Sullivan:Hey, I run a tight ship here. We treat those trout better than SeaWorld treats their whales.

Mr. Sullivan:Well, okay, I have a dog at home that I... I don't really pay much attention to, but the trout? Those trout are like my children.

Annie:The victim was found in the study. A cup of coffee sat beside him, still warm. Half-drunk. The question wasn't who killed Sullivan—it was why. Why would someone leave a perfectly good cup of coffee? The answer was elementary: because Sullivan was a monster.

Annie:I'm leaving with this evidence.

Troy:No you're not. Everything you just said is a lie.

Sullivan:Look, I care about these people like they're family. We have dignity, we have respect for one another.

Sullivan:But yeah, okay, they work 16-hour days for minimum wage and I pocket the difference. But that's business, and we're still friends.

Jeff:Mr. Sullivan, we know what you did. We have witnesses.

Britta:You might as well confess now.

Mr. Sullivan:Okay, okay, I did it! I did it!

Jeff:Wait, really?

Mr. Sullivan:But I had a very good reason — the government is listening through our teeth.

Troy:Wait, my parents named me after a dog?

Abed:A German Shepherd named Troy that died in 1987.

Troy:I was born in 1989. So my parents wanted a son named after a dog that was already dead? And that's not even the worst part — my middle name is Maximilianus, after a parrot that my uncle had. Also dead.

Jeff:What do you mean 'insufficient'? Human rights abuses aren't enough for me?

Chang:♪ The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout... ♪

Jeff:This footage is slower than a Godard film.

Abed:Everyone practices facial expressions in the mirror. It's completely normal.

Pierce:Hey Kevin, go get me a coffee.

Chang:Okay! Right away, sir!

Pierce:See? This is what I'm talking about. Respect. Obedience.

Chang:I'm so happy to help!

Jeff:Okay, so here's what we're going to do. We set the trap, we wait for Chang to take the bait, and then—

Jeff:We spring it on him. The smoking gun we've been looking for.

Chang's Ex-Wife:I'm ready to tell him everything.

Jeff:Perfect. This ends today.

Jeff:I've been documenting Kevin's phone calls. He doesn't understand doorknobs.

Jeff:He doesn't understand how keys work.

Jeff:He doesn't understand the concept of 'outside.'

Jeff:And yesterday, he called me asking what a 'phone' is.

Chang:I found this phone number written on a napkin, and I thought, 'What if this is my soulmate?' So I called it.

Chang:Turns out it was a Pizza Hut, but you know what? I found beauty in that random number.

Chang:Those phone calls were very important to me. I was learning who I was, you know? Finding myself.

Chang:But I realize now, maybe I was just trying to connect with someone. Anyone, really.

Chang:Because deep down, I'm still Kevin. Kevin who just wants to be understood.

Jeff:Kevin, I know what you're doing. You're not actually this nice.

Kevin:I don't know what you mean, Jeff. I'm just being myself.

Jeff:No, no, no. You're manipulating everyone. I can see right through you.

Kevin:That's a shame. I was hoping we could be friends.

Jeff:Friends? We can't be friends! You're evil! Look, he's evil, right? Someone back me up here.

Jeff:Fine. Kevin, tell everyone about the time you... you... backstabbed someone. Dramatically.

Kevin:I've never backstabbed anyone.

Jeff:Because you're too clever! You use psychological manipulation instead!

Kevin:Or maybe I'm just a good person.

Jeff:Nobody's just a good person! It's statistically impossible!

Jeff:I've been investigating Chang, and what I found is absolutely insane. This man has been lying about everything.

Jeff:His entire romantic history? Completely fabricated. He's been telling people he dated a woman named 'Consuela' for three years.

Jeff:Turns out? Consuela is his mother's name. He's been role-playing with a cardboard cutout.

Grant Committee Member:We've reviewed the evidence of this 'Changnesia' outbreak. Your passionate testimony has convinced us it's a legitimate public health crisis that requires immediate funding.

Jeff Winger:Wait, what? No, I was having a breakdown. I was trying to prove it's not real!

Grant Committee Member:Your emotional investment only confirms the severity. We're allocating $2 million to Changnesia research.

Macguffin Institute representative:We've decided to award Greendale the grant. You could say we're really... raising the bar.

Jeff:I've been thinking about my behavior lately, and I realize I've been acting just like Chang. Actually, no—I've been out-Changing Chang. And that's saying something, because Chang is basically Chang.

Jeff:Look, I may be a lot of things, but I'm not a murderer. Unlike some people.

Chang:What are you implying?

Jeff:I'm not implying anything. I'm just saying that if we're comparing ourselves, that's a pretty big difference.

Jeff:Okay, I get it now. I understand what it's like to be Chang. His name is so ridiculous that it's actually worth abandoning your entire identity for.

Annie:Abed, I'm sorry. I know I hurt you.

Abed:It's okay. We're good.

Annie:Really?

Abed:Yeah. Though the lighting in here is very three-point, and your positioning is making this feel like a Terrence Malick film, which is beautiful but structurally unsound for character reconciliation.

Annie:Abed, every time we try to do something, you turn it into some weird documentary about yourself!

Abed:That's not true. I document everything objectively.

Annie:You literally made a documentary about making documentaries. About yourself. Making documentaries.

Abed:It was meta.

Annie:It was narcissistic!

Jeff Winger:Wait, Kevin, I have to know — were you really a reformed man this whole time?

Chang:Jeff, Jeff, Jeff... did you really think I changed? I was just stringing you along.

Jeff Winger:You were... what?

Chang:Looks like I really had you on the hook, Winger. Guess you could say I was fishing for your trust.

Chang:Yes! Finally, you understand my master plan! I've orchestrated everything from the shadows, and now—wait, why am I telling you this? This is exactly what the villain does before they lose. I've made a terrible mistake.