Urban Matrimony and the Sandwich Arts

Jeff:I was woken up by coffee this morning.

Jeff:Which is ironic, because it also woke me up to how bad it is.

Annie:I can't believe they're closing our coffee shop. Where am I supposed to go now?

Annie:It's like watching a sad Sarah McLachlan commercial, except instead of abused animals, it's my entire social life.

Pierce:You know what? I think God puts those pennies there. He's like, 'Here, poor people, take a penny.' But then He's also like, 'But I'm gonna make sure there's always one left so you feel like a cheapskate when you don't take it.'

Jeff:Pierce, you look like a wealthy murderer.

Pierce:Thank you.

Pierce:This is my new security camera system. State-of-the-art threat detection.

Security Camera:Threat detected. Initiating defensive protocol.

Pierce:What? No, I'm just showing you—

Security Camera:Primary threat: overweight male, questionable fashion sense, holding suspicious device.

Jeff:Even technology can be racist.

Pierce:I'm gonna call Shirley's people.

Shirley:My people?

Pierce:You know, her family. I'm not being racist.

Andre:I've loved you since the early days. Back when we first met, you were listening to Nelly's 'Hot in Herre' on your Zune.

Andre:Then you moved on to that phase where you only watched movies on VHS. Remember when you tried to rewind a DVD?

Andre:And now you're here, in 2013, still the same person I fell for back in the MySpace era.

Abed:Second weddings are like movie reboots. Nobody asked for them, but here we are.

Abed:The first one was fine. We didn't need a second one. But now we're comparing it to the original and it's never gonna measure up.

Abed:It's like they cast a different Batman. Nobody wanted a new Batman, but now we gotta watch it anyway.

Troy:I rank weddings. Royal weddings are S-tier. Celebrity weddings are A-tier. Friend weddings are B-tier. Family weddings are C-tier. And distant relative weddings are D-tier.

Troy:Wait, no. Actually, I'm changing it. Royal weddings are now A-tier because they're too formal. Celebrity weddings are S-tier. But only if they're on TV.

Troy:Actually, you know what? Friend weddings should be S-tier because you actually care. No wait, that doesn't work because then I went to Jeff's cousin's wedding and that was only C-tier and I cried the whole time.

Troy:Okay, new system. It's based on the quality of the open bar, the DJ's willingness to play requests, and how many times someone gets divorced at that wedding. It's very scientific.

Jeff:Britta's not anti-wedding. She's anti-fun.

Britta:See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. A tea party is just another example of how patriarchal traditions use quaint rituals to reinforce outdated power structures. Women are literally sitting around serving each other tea while drinking antiquated gender roles.

Britta:An analogy is when you compare two things that are... well, they're basically the same thing.

Jeff:That's not an analogy, that's just saying something twice.

Britta:No, see, it's like when you say 'Life is like a box of chocolates' — they're both brown and delicious.

Jeff:Marriage is an outdated institution. Historically, people only lived to like 35, so till death do us part meant like a 7-year commitment. Now we're supposed to be with someone for 60 years? That's insane.

Jeff:Look, relationships are just a slow-motion car crash. You're both pretending to enjoy it until the airbags deploy and someone needs a lawyer.

Shirley:The church says no dancing, no drinking, and no interracial couples.

Jeff:Wait, they're really that strict?

Shirley:And no calico cats.

Jeff:Calico cats?

Shirley:They're the devil's quilt.

Troy:When we were doing the sci-fi show, we had this whole thing about alternate dimensions and time travel.

Abed:Yeah, and in one episode, my character married his own grandmother to prevent a paradox.

Troy:Which created a new timeline where nobody was born.

Abed:But everyone was okay with it because we explained it in a 40-minute bottle episode.

Annie:Scoff, scoff, scoff.

Jeff:Annie, your taste in movies is so bad, you think 'The Room' is a masterpiece.

Pierce:It's www dot... excuse me... double-you double-you double-you dot...

Pierce:No wait, it's w w w dot... that's three w's...

Pierce:The website is at... you know what, just ask the Geek Squad.

Pierce:Behold! My latest invention: pants with a built-in bench.

Jeff:Pierce, why would pants need a built-in bench?

Pierce:For when you get tired of standing, Jeffrey. You sit down, and the bench is already there. It's genius.

Britta:That's just... sitting. That's what pants already do.

Pierce:Not with a BENCH, Britta.

Pierce:Call 911! Call 911! We need multiple ambulances!

Pierce:My legs! I can't feel my legs!

Pierce:This is it. This is how it ends. Tell my story.

Troy:I'm gonna be normal at this wedding. Completely normal.

Troy:You know what? Normal is a superpower. I'm gonna call myself... The Normalizer.

Troy:My power is being so average that criminals get bored and just give up.

Abed:I'm just going to wear something boring and blend in.

Jeff:That's probably a good idea.

Abed:Yeah, I'll get some khakis, a beige sweater, maybe a tan blazer.

Britta:That sounds perfect, actually.

Abed:Then I'll add some camouflage netting, face paint, and I'll just lie on the sidewalk outside the venue.

Britta:My high school teacher once told me, 'The best relationships are the ones where there's a real power imbalance, where one person has complete authority over the other, and the younger person is still figuring out who they are.'

Britta:He was talking about his relationship with me.

Shirley:My teacher used to say, 'You're a disappointment to your family and everyone who knows you.'

Britta:I can't do this. I can't plan a wedding. I don't even know what I'm doing with my own life.

Shirley:Britta, you said you could handle it.

Britta:I know what I said, but... *starts laughing uncontrollably* I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just... me? Planning a wedding? That's insane. That's the most ridiculous thing anyone's ever asked me to do.

Britta:No, I'm serious. I'll plan the whole thing. I've already started a Pinterest board.

Pierce:I need you to extract some parts that are stuck in me.

Pierce:Trouser bench parts. They're literally stuck in me.

Pierce:Shirley, I've been thinking about your business potential. You know what you need? A racial demographic breakdown of your customer base.

Pierce:I'm thinking 40% of your baked goods should appeal to the urban market, 30% to the suburban set, and 30% to... well, let's call them 'the other people.'

Pierce:I'm 50% black, 50% white, 50% Asian, and 50% Jewish.

Shirley:That's 200%.

Pierce:Yeah, I'm very urban.

Pierce:So Shirley, before you were a nun, you were in a girl group called The Supremes?

Shirley:No, Pierce. The Supremes were a real group from the '60s.

Pierce:Right, right. So you were in a group called The Supremes of Greendale?

Shirley:I was never in any girl group, Pierce.

Pierce:Well you should have been. You've got the voice for it. Like a young Diana Ross meets a middle-aged accountant.

Shirley:What are the business projections?

Pierce:Business... projections. Yes, the business projections. Those are important things to project about the business.

Shirley:Do you have any actual numbers?

Pierce:Numbers? Well, there's ones, and twos, and sometimes... threes.

Pierce:I'm not a businessman. I'm a business, man.

Pierce:No wait, that's not right. I'm just a man. A man who's bad at business.

Pierce:I'm not really an entrepreneur. I just inherited my father's business and made it worse.

Pierce:I need to write something down. Does anyone have a pen? A pen? Hello? Why is no one helping me? This is ridiculous. I can't even get a simple pen in this place. How am I supposed to function like this?

Britta:That's pink.

Abed:That's mauve.

Britta:It's pink.

Abed:It's clearly mauve. The floral industry has very specific naming conventions.

Dale:What are you talking about? That's not blue, that's cerulean.

Dale:And that's not red, that's vermillion.

Dale:You can't just call things by their basic color names anymore.

Annie:Britta, this is beautiful! How did you learn to arrange flowers like this?

Britta:Oh, it's all about understanding color theory. See, this is mauve.

Annie:Mauve?

Britta:It's like purple, but it has more self-respect.

Britta:Okay, but let's not forget that the wedding industrial complex is a patriarchal construct designed to trap women in cycles of consumer debt and unrealistic beauty standards.

Jeff:Britta, we're just trying to pick a cake flavor.

Britta:Exactly. Cake. A symbol of excess in a world where people are starving.

Troy:We're normal now.

Abed:Completely normal.

Troy:Just two regular guys.

Abed:Doing normal things.

Troy:In a normal way.

Abed:Yes. Normal.

Annie:Jeff could convince Troy that he's not actually Troy.

Jeff:Troy, you're not actually Troy.

Troy:What? Yes I am!

Jeff:Are you though?

Troy:I... I think so?

Annie:You're just manipulating everyone to get what you want!

Jeff:You're right. I am. Because I'm a terrible person and I don't care about any of you.

Pierce:Gentlemen, as you can see from this pie chart, the demographic breakdown is represented in a series of colorful segments. Notice how the blue represents 34 percent, the red represents 28 percent, and the green — well, the green is my favorite color, so I made that one slightly bigger even though it's only 23 percent.

Pierce:Also, I had this printed on cardstock instead of regular paper because cardstock feels more professional. You can tell by running your fingers across it. Go ahead, touch it.

Britta:My parents raised me to question authority from an early age. So when I was six, I realized Santa Claus was basically a tool of the patriarchy used to control children's behavior through surveillance and reward systems.

Britta:I wrote him a letter explaining how his entire business model was morally corrupt and sexist.

Britta:My parents were so proud. They framed it.

Britta:Oh my God, I'm actually good at this! I can cook, I can clean, I can organize...

Britta:I'm like a 1950s housewife!

Britta:I'm like Martha Stewart!

Britta:I'm like... Hazel from Watership Down.

Troy:Abed, I am experiencing what humans call 'concern' for your well-being.

Abed:Troy, I reciprocate this emotion. Your health parameters are within acceptable ranges.

Troy:I have calculated that friendship involves asking about your day. How was your day?

Abed:My day was adequate. I processed approximately 847 social interactions. You?

Troy:I also did the things. Normal things that normal people do.

Jeff:I'd like to propose a toast...

Annie:Your career trajectory is like Jim Belushi's, except people actually wanted you to succeed.

Jeff:I'd like to propose a toast. To friendship. And to the bonds we share.

Jeff:Bonds that transcend the mundane, the ordinary, the everyday.

Jeff:Bonds that are... well, they're beautiful, really.

Jeff:And that's why I've been drinking since 9 AM.

Pierce:We need to synergize our core competencies and leverage our bandwidth to create a paradigm shift in the marketplace.

Shirley:Andre, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

Andre:Shirley, I know exactly what you're doing. You apologize, I forgive you, and then next week we're back here again.

Shirley:That's not fair.

Andre:Fair? You've been using 'I'm sorry' like a get-out-of-jail-free card since we got married. Well, the card's expired.

Abed:I've been getting better at social interactions. Blending in. Being normal.

Abed:But here's what terrifies me: what if I get too good at it? What if one day I wake up and I'm just... regular? That the weird part of me that made me, me, is just... gone?

Abed:I'd have successfully assimilated into normal society, but at what cost? I'd be socially functional and completely unrecognizable to myself.

Leonard:Jeff, can I say something?

Jeff:No. Leonard, you don't get to talk. You've forfeited that right by being alive and in this room.

Jeff:I just want to say, marriage is... it's a beautiful thing. It's a commitment to another person, and I respect that, because I've never been able to commit to anything in my life. My father left when I was young, and my mother... well, she tried her best, but she was always more interested in her wine collection than in me. So here I am, a grown man who can't maintain a relationship for more than a few months because I'm terrified of abandonment.

Jeff:But you two... you two are different. You're going to make it work. You're going to be happy together, unlike my parents, who should have never gotten married in the first place. My dad was a philanderer and my mom was an enabler, and I've spent my entire adult life trying to compensate for their failures by being superficially charming and emotionally unavailable.

Britta:I can't believe I'm actually good at planning weddings. I'm supposed to be above all this patriarchal nonsense.

Britta:But honestly? *takes drink* I just want a big white dress and a man to tell me what to do.

Britta:Wait, did I say that out loud?

Britta:I promise to love you, to cherish you, and to constantly remind you that women earn 77 cents for every dollar a man makes, which means I'm basically getting married at a 23% discount.

Britta:Oh, so now you want to talk about babies? That's rich coming from you. You know what your problem is, Jeff? You're like a baby yourself—except babies eventually grow up and stop being selfish little man-children.

Troy:You know what? Sometimes the most important thing in a relationship is just... being there. Not trying to fix everything, not making it about you. Just being present.

Shirley:Andre, honey, I love you, but that stereo business isn't going to work. Technology moves too fast. You're trying to sell equipment that's already obsolete.

Dean Pelton:I can marry you right now. I'm a minister.

Shirley:Really?

Dean Pelton:Well, I got my license online for $15. But the point is, I can do it. And if you do it today, I'll throw in a $50 gift certificate to the cafeteria.

Andre:$50?

Dean Pelton:That's a $65 value.

Troy:This is beautiful.

Abed:It's formulaic.

Troy:Yeah, but it works.

Abed:Only because we're trained to respond to it.

Abed:Oh my God. Oh my God! That's... that's incredible, Troy. The way your hips moved through space and time. I've never seen anything like it. Is this what normal people do? Just... move like that? Casually? Without training?

Troy:It's just a basic step-touch.

Abed:A basic... step-touch. Of course. I should have known. How do you even function in society with this kind of power?

Abed:The temporal rift has collapsed. We must realign the dimensional constants.

Troy:What are you talking about?

Abed:Inspector Spacetime protocol. We need to recalibrate the chronometer before the paradox spreads.

Troy:Dude, we're just trying to get pizza.

Abed:The pizza exists in multiple dimensions simultaneously until observed. Schrödinger's marinara.

Dean:You know, I'm actually quite good with people. I have a very high emotional intelligence.

Annie:Pierce actually thinks he came up with that terrible movie idea.

Jeff:Of course he does. The man lives in a constant state of delusion.

Annie:I tried to tell him it was based on something he saw, but he wouldn't listen.

Pierce:It's my idea! I'm a creative genius!

Pierce:You think I'm immature? Well, I'll show you mature! Dad, wherever you are, you always said I'd never amount to anything, and you know what? You were right! I hope you're happy in hell!

Pierce:I'm celebrating my victory!

Pierce:Zero sandwich places.