Dean Craig Pelton

Dean struggling with the video recording equipment, needing help from his mother to turn it off

Dean's brutal honesty about community college: 'loser college for remedial teens, 20-something dropouts, middle-age divorcees, and old people keeping their minds active as they circle the drain of eternity'

Dean realizes middle card of speech is missing and asks everyone to look around

Whoever is growing a small cannabis plot behind the gymnasium, congratulations. You just won a cruise. Please report to Security to collect your tickets.

Campus news: the debate continues about the Library's PA system. Some students suggest lowering the volume, while others question its purpose entirely. We'll expand on this as it continues.

there is just one of every kind of you, isn't there?

sometimes i just roll around campus like a little football

the team's name is the human beings? / yeah. my idea

well, a lot of these students have been called animals their whole lives

wednesdays and sundays it's used as parking overflow for the mega-church

the penis is a little small, i think

jeffrey, did you not read the release agreement on the back of your registration form? i'm starting to see why someone used to be a lawyer

if you said, 'jump,' he'd say, 'how high?' if you said, 'stop,' he'd say, 'hammertime'

lawyer... companies? legal... gatherings?

i think so

i think if we add in a little bit of phylicia rashad we'll be in better shape / yeah, you're right. that beige is a little light

this is our human color wheel. it goes from seal to seal's teeth

oh, yeah, a desmond tutu with just enough cream to make it a lou diamond phillips

the costume makes it difficult for him to see

he can't move his mouth either. but take it from me, that's human for 'hello.'

we've solved racism. what's next? / uh, let's do something for little people. ooh! or albinos! / little albinos

The best compliment our sports program gets is that our basketball team is really gay

A night of companionship if you know what I mean

By Zeus, what sort of jackassery is this? We're in the middle of a championship debate

I'm trying to save the planet, here.

hmm. this better not awaken anything in me.

By the way, they're not the real green day. Thought we should just rip that band-aid off quickly.

you know the toilets in the women's bathrooms don't have seats, right? / because they keep getting stolen

sabrina, take a note. i want hidden cameras in every stall. problem solved

'you will get aids.' / flip it over. / 'unless you go to the std fair.' / i wrote that

that's the sound of stds screaming, 'no! stop being so aware of us!'

what my dad called a jimmy carter

trust me, eyes closed, you can't tell the difference

she likes hip-hop and horses. dislikes beards

what in the reverse porky's is going on here?

a 597? there's a dog-fighting ring in my office?

reverse porky's

the 'p' word has entered into play

wow, i really do feel more comfortable saying that now, gail

dude, these are leaking. / oh, my god. that's why you don't print things on condoms. everyone's getting preggers, and it's all your fault

go, abed, go, before people sex one another!

Whoa, what's that sound? Is that the tippy-tapping of secular boots on the roof?

non-denominational mr. Winter

Sorry about the ruse, but I have something better Than exfoliating soap to rub on you.

Hello? Um... wrong number.

No, that-- that was a good cover.

Racial profiling may not be right, But it can be economical.

My best friend when I was six years old was a black man.

You rank people by how hot they are? You got it... Number two.

Two people of your rankings in this small a room... With this type of lighting and his upper body And what her heels and hemline are doing To enhance what were already quite a few favors from god--

Dean pelton. - Yes, professor seven-- Uh, slater.

We never finished our intercourse.

Might you ever consider Spending the night with a third person? That's not on there!

Would you describe yourself as boyfriend and girlfriend? - Yes. - Eh... What? - Oh, boy.

Jeff winger, I've been informed by coach bogner that you left your panties in his pool class. So better pick those up.

Good morning, greendale! As you know, it is April fool's day. Just kidding--it's the day before April fool's.

Baba booey, baba booey, baba booey.

You know what, leonard? Strike two!

Physically safe, politically balanced, and racially accessible

At greendale, April 1st Is officially March 32nd, forever!

Why are you dressed like a wizard?

And we ruled out your teacher, Because he has a crippling fear of frogs. I told you that in confidence!

Ha. He makes me uncomfortable. Mm. Still in the room.

With a prize for last man standing. Or last man in a wheelchair with no paint on him. Or last woman.

It was a blu-ray DVD player, but it was stolen. So now it's tbd.

Okay, now, it's not blu-ray, But it comes with its own remote, so... Aah!

Word of advice, if an Asian man says he's a Spanish teacher, it's not racist to ask for proof, okay? You ignore your mother's voice and get right into that horse's mouth.

Here's a b-side from that album, antelope slaughter at Ndutu.

Some folks say 'transfer formal' isn't really rolling off the tongue, so we're just gonna call it 'The tranny dance'!

He made that up.

Okay, well, you still haven't. I'm just listing the nominees, so not a great time to get cocky.

The same cafeteria where Britta Perry publicly professed her love to Jeff Winger who then walked out on her. Unforgettable!

Guten tag, homies.

It's not often we get to celebrate German culture. - It's not often we want to.

Pop and locktoberfest.

Winner gets to annex Poland. Kidding! The winner gets an iTunes gift card.

It's seen better days. I admit... it could use a good Wash. And I've got just the crew to Wash it.

That's right... I know that this isn't a symbol for the crossroads of ideas. I now know it's a butt.

Pack yourselves with peanuts and really be satisfied.

I have to make this into a butt flag.

So handicap spots count on saturdays?

Looks like you circled public restrooms and truck stops. / There's another one. / That is a different side of the map, and that is... for a different project. / Why do they have star ratings?

Right next to the truck stop with three thumbs. / Those aren't thumbs.

Say what you will about Abed, but the man cannot be killed. I mean, it's almost like he's Jesus.

Chef gaga never reveals her caterer. And don't try reading my p-p-p-poker face.

Note to self... get oil changed, check Netflix for that movie where Greg Kinnear... Plays a ghost... no, an angel... and something called human centi...

Look out! Drive-by deaning!

I expect all of you to lend a paw.

Except you, Jeffrey. I know you've gotta catch to date. Oh, like you're famous for your wit.

And neither does the teacher-- professor professorson?

I think it means professor. / I think it means poppycock.

professor professorson

Bye-Bye writing at starbucks till a certain persian barista asks me about my novel.

I have always dreamt of playing charades with you, Jeffrey--just not like this, not on dry land.

Tv's gotten crazy good, you know.

Time desk: The chronicles of Dean dangerous.

I just keep teaming up with whoever suggests it!

time travel is really hard to write about!

Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie.

You do, of course, have a constitutional right to lend this season the significance of your choosing in any of our designated holiday zones.

"Biden Time Talkin' 'Bout Teachin'" tour

Eat that, city college and wash it down with a nice tall glass of suck it.

I mean, I could borrow my sister's Uncle Sam outfit. It's tailored for ladies but what else can I do on such short notice?

And yes, this is a ladies Uncle Sam outfit. It's my sister's. It was last-minute. I had no choice.

Oh, they love it when you shuffle the words around.

South Park.

Dean-a-ling-a-ling.

Dean-yow! It's Feline AIDS Awareness Day, folks, so let's whip it in the keister.

Guys, Greendale's music department is flat 'baroque,' so we are having a fund-raiser. What's dean got to do with it?

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dean.

Free ice cream and that one guy having a heart attack aren't the only surprises today.

Last year's big mistake was way too valuable a prize. And I've been assured-- Eh? That this year will be different.

The key's in my shorts.

Monkey knockout gas! Now that's the kind of grounded, sensible thinking I want to see this year.

Real Dean coming through... Oh, my goodness spacious,

You're as much a criminal as this idiot is a cop. None whatsoever.

You know the thing that comes down, keeps the...cars from coming in. The thing. It's like a gate, but it's just a stick. Comes down, from a hinge. Keeps the cars out. Goes up and down 90 degrees. The arm?

That's because nobody's gonna pay to drink water. Actually it's a two drink-minimum. It'll be reflected in your tuition.

We have to keep this whole living situation kind of quiet. You know, on the d-low. Sure, you know, I'm barely there. I'm married to the job. And to a mannequin leg I found in the boiler room.

Homewrecker.

Trick or Dean!

Also, I had the lights rigged to flicker because it's Halloween! It's been happening for a week. Halloween week! So the lights will work on November 1st? All Saint's day... Month!

You can save like, um, 70 bucks.

I'm a blast at weddings.

We now get 80% of our electricity from the apartment building across the street.

I don't know who told you pouting was an option for you, but all you're making me feel right now is hatred of Renee Zellweger.

Oh, my God! Even his shadow! Look at his shadow!

Dean struggling to open ribbon with his teeth, saying 'The legitimate!' repeatedly while fumbling

Gang, meet Greendale's newest student, Subway. Your name is Subway? Yep, using a groundbreaking but surprisingly legal process known as 'corpohumanization'

Oh, silly me! This is a coupon for 20% off at bed bath & beyond. No need to bribe me, Troy. Actually...

Do people go to classes?

Well, that's it. I just heard from the Guinness rep. He's not coming. He's been fired, in what he described as the world's biggest mistake. I doubt that will make the next edition.

What a colossal waste of 21/2 days.

We tried to get Tom Hanks, but he's too expensive. So we used the people involved for their own voiceover. Yeah, and I nailed that too.

The Annie's Boobs Story or That's Enter-Chang-Ment.

We are literally this close to losing our...

Just letting the students know that if you're on campus this weekend, you'll have to park on the street because of the carnival. On an unrelated note, I'm into trains now.

Choo choo!

All aboard the human being railway! Next stop, spo-- I'll get to the point.

Oh, a wonderful opportunity for a young man of... Urban race.

Natalie, could you get me a, um, book on how to do things? You know what, just make me a scotch and soda. Make it yourself! I don't know how.

Dean, why are you here? Ouch.

Hey, don't knock it till you try it. I got my fake bachelor's degree, and then I cheated on the LSAT.

You should really join the air conditioning repair program. / No. / Well, that didn't work. That's what I get for improvising.

Dean dressed in elaborate costume for simple announcement

Dean's confessional about going to the bank in costume

"Come on, Craig. Get your life together."

Dean's bank story about deep conversations

Come on, I'm Dean and my hands are so clean at this moment I am stapling

Ben, how's it 'deaning'? Can't 'com-Chang.'

Indefinite detention, pepper spray, involuntary cavity searches... no soft-serve?

I don't know how that helps me, but please leave.

Dean-jour, mes amis!

and you biology class has been can-can-cancelled.

Well, I had a little rockette kick-line thing planned, but...

Let's keep it light.

Get some sugar to go with that spice.

You were the guys who drew it.

Let's maybe not drop the $50 mics, okay, guys?

we're all Ted Danson at Whoopie Goldberg's roast.

Got some testimony to get prepared for the school board meeting tomorrowsies.

I regret giving you that unasked for adult back rub when you were asleep that once.

I regret giving you that unasked for adult back rub when you were asleep that once.

Oh, my God, it's me.

Oh, my God, it's me. Ugh! I will...

I just wanted to drop by and tell you we ought to be hot-stepping it out to the parking lot in a brisk, but orderly fashion.

I wanted you guys to be the first to know before I tell everyone else. I know. It's not right to play favorites, but it is no more right to sit on your feelings, and I don't know what I'd do without you guys.

Darcy, you've got a cold. I feel fine. You're sick. Go home! Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here!

Psst, it's me, the Dean. I pulled the last six pieces of pizza for you.

♪ Troy and Jeffrey and Annie and Britta and Shirley and Pierce and Abed and Jeffrey just a few of the most special students in the world ♪

You think you caught us, but we've already made it out with the real Dean. Ocean's eleven, baby. Pierce, I'm the real Dean.

They call it "academania." It's mostly hard house, some... some dubstep, but totally...

I do it for Greendale. Aw.

Someone hacked into the supply closet and counterfeited these 'History of Ice Cream' admission cards.

The Hunger Deans!

And these are impossible to counterfeit because each one has been marked by my distinct bite print.

Close. I am America's sexiest aviator, Leo DiCaprio.

As you know, our student records are stored on a Microsoft Paint file, which I was assured was future-proof.

Meanwhile, our extended warranty is not being honored by the restaurant that used to be Circuit City.

In-Dean, I am.

A big man. A huge, throbbing, sweaty... Dean, I just want to get my history credit and get out of here.

You smell like the floor of a movie theater. Yeah, but not for the usual reasons.

Now we'll be like almost roomies.

How-Dean, pilgrims.

Is that... John Wayne, yes. Oh, good, you got it.

There may be a statistical link to enrollment at Greendale and holiday suicide.

Just a shoelace... and belt-free night full of fun.

Sat score zero. And he was recently arrested for selling marijuana to a police officer at a police station.

Family net worth, $8 million. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what we in the community college recruiting game call a 'whale.'

If you don't like the crispy-licious taste of Let's, feel free to eat that other greasy brand. Splingles? Not this guy.

Pierce cannot know about this. He's a big baby who throws tantrums when anyone else gets attention.

He is the only Greendale student who has ever paid for a premium locker or the extended pencil warranty.

Remember when Kerri Strug visited our campus? - That was horrible. - That was awful.

The Delta Cubes will never die. We've only just begun to fight. You only began yesterday.

Welcome to Greendale. I'm bean Pelton. 'Bean Pelton?' Dean Pelton. Gosh, I'm nervous.

City college bought you a vespa? Brand-new. So, Archie, have you heard about our half-pipes and hash pipes class, taught by professor Shaun White?

So, Archie, have you heard about our half-pipes and hash pipes class, taught by professor Shaun White?

My friends and I can drop it off an overpass. Ah, I shouldn't have heard that.

Well, city college slipped that slope when they slipped him that scooter, but they sure slipped up when they let him set foot on our soil.

Who teaches bikini class. Oh, yeah! Whoa, check out that bling! I want that.

Release the whores.

Magnitude, you're not to say 'pop pop' ever again. Not pop? That's right. Find a new thing.

Greendale is a nice welcome banner. Greendale is a foamless cafeteria. And Greendale is Magnitude saying 'pop pop.'

Get your damn hand off of my Let's!

Honey, I'm dean!

What a 'coincidean.'

You think I decide to just do a rain forest theme and buy palm fronds and rig the sprinkler system to... Hold on, I gotta write this down.

Shall we dance? Whoop.

According to dean law, I must now give her my amulet.

What are we doing here? / Yeah. / No, Gollum, no!

Dean, I need you. [Gasps] It's happening. Shut the door.

Oh, I love those movies! They should make more of them. They're a timeless tale.

Both: I wish I could switch places with you for just one day. Oh! Oh! Oh... Ah! [Gasps] Sorry. Routine light switch check. That is not a thing!

[Deep, as Jeff] Oh, you've got to be kidding me. I'm you?

You're not even holding a phone!

I'd stop what I'm doing, but then I'd be depriving you of the view. You're welcome. What's up?

[Laughs] Totally. 'Half past suck.' That's funny. Okay. That's creepy.

Back in 1968, Leonard got an 'A' in Rotary Phone Maintenance.

What is wrong with you? I don't know.

Holy--makes complete sense at this school! FYI, one of these piles is load-bearing, so, uh, yeah, watch that.

When I switched bodies with Jeffrey... - Nope. - I thought I knew what it would be like to have Jeffrey inside of me... - That did not happen. - But as it turns out, having Jeffrey inside of me... - Nope again. - ...only brought out the worst in me. Which is to say, having Jeffrey inside of me... - No one was inside of anyone! - ...was wrong... - to have Jeffrey inside of me. - Shut up!

faster than you can say 'wounded knee,' we turn into a casino and midsize concert venue

This better not awaken anything in me.

You worked hard not to work hard to earn that degree.

I'm going to miss our playful, 'Get a room already' banter.

Just need to sign the old John Dean-cock and you will be graduated.

Starting to sound like a wedding. Not a wedding. Just your average, low-key diploma signing, to which you're all cordially invited, tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow? Is that enough time to plan a whole wedding? Absolutely. I'll get my book.

♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean ♪

Do not even tell me you dropped that cake.

I cannot believe the hurtful things you said to me in my office. I'll have you know that wanting a little pageantry in your life isn't a crime or a lifestyle choice.

Neither time nor distance nor screening one's calls could ever sever what nature herself has ordained. When two men are drawn-- I'll take it from here, Craig. Fair enough. I was reaching.

Use that. - I want to kill myself. - Use that.

Oh! Look at Mr. Smarty Pants!

Jeff, do you know Excel? - No. - Well, it looks like you do.

We all just went through an entire week of meatball lunches without even blinking. - Oh, that's on me. I converted the lunch menu to a spreadsheet.

I think that's why they call it 'Excel.'

And don't forget, if I fire you, you're likely starve and die, so you know.

upper buttock fold

when did we split the gazette from the mirror?

Hanes his ways.

if that's the highest DEFCON, and if high DEFCONs are worse than low ones

since we held that rally protesting the wrong Korea

Well, guess what, your two cents is change, and it's banned.

Yeah, and I have evidence that shows I'm not listening. Exhibit 'A,' exhibit 'B.' Lalalalalala.

Bend over with friends over.

Don't tell me what I can't do. What do you think you are, Cosmo's July quiz?

I think you two like to partner up on cutesy capers so you can hold hands in the dark and address your urges in semi-acceptable scenarios.

Every morning, in the water... Mm.

Oh, that's very interesting. I myself was in 4h.

I'm not signing this form until Professor Hickey says 'Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.'

Look what Facebook did for Harvard.

My MeowMeowBeenz

Fives have lives, fours have chores, threes have fleas, twos have blues...and ones don't get a rhyme because they're garbage

trust me, my penis needs no enlargement

Nobody picks up on my patterns. What am I gonna say next? Graham cracker. You didn't know.

Well, I'm a peanut bar And I'm here to say / Your cheques will arrive On another day

Barack Obama is scared of me / 'Cause I don't swallow knowledge And I spit it for free

I don't know what that was, I don't. I don't know what that was.

Don't step, don't step to me / I like coffee and water Don't step to me

I go to Tristram, and I'm laughing and I pick him up, and I carry him to the bridge. It's fun.

Attention, students and faculty of Greendale. I pressed this button on accident... but might as well check in. How are you?

You got something in your teeth. - You got something in your chest. Four hundred thousand gallons of liquefied horse meat.

Let me be one of the six this year.

Okay, okay, I should've written this out. I thought I'd be able to come up with something on the fly.

I got one of these label things. I mean, it makes custom labels. This was gonna help me get organised.

And that's Russell Borchert. - Borchert, Borchert, loved computers... Yes, yes, 'More than women's butts or hooters.' Very mature, you two.

By the way, he was a millionaire and a genius. He has sex with one computer, and that's his legacy?

Say hello to new Shirley. Just kidding.

She is, woop! I'm getting a call, here, and I'll have to take it.

My phone is in my pocket, Jeffrey.

Who wants to see the ladders professor go higher? Ladder! Aah! You did it, Jeff Winger! This is your school now.

Oh, no. Dinosaurs. My tax documents. Facts about Native Americans. Just kidding.

A hole in the head is something that you don't need. She said through a huge hole in her head.

Relax, my little bean countess.

Have fun in the Stone Age while I step into the third dean-mension.

And Jesus wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.

Is settings the volcano or the cobbler's workshop? It's a monastery.

I put a tilde on this n! I can do anything.

And that, my friend, is the Greendale effect. I'll never get out of here, will I? I haven't met many that do.

Found it. She was wandering around campus, without pants.

I seem to recall, no.

It's only my style to be secret, please bring me five can of olive. / Five cans? / But don't believe me if I say I don't like. I'm just pretending I hate olives.

Why don't I bring you some olives tomorrow, Jeffrey? / I am not Jeffrey! / I am not the dean!

What happened to good morning? / It's a bad morning, no Wi-Fi.

Okay, let's not get carried away. We need oxygen. / We have oxygen, we need Wi-Fi.

My emails to her get bounced back to me in Aramaic, and when I call, I hear an undulating high-pitched whistle that makes my nose bleed.

Now the real reason I came by, I'm dying. Not really, but imagine how bad you feel for complaining about the Wi-Fi.

Too short? It is too short? It's not too short? You people are no help.

One, one more thing. You're gay, right? I mean, like openly gay.

I'm not openly anything, and gay doesn't begin to cover it.

I feel that's the selling point of the lifestyle. You know, I, I, I never thought about it that way. / Well, I have. Cutting women out of sex, it's genius.

If coming out is a magic show, and gayness is the rabbit out of the hat, I'm one of those, never in any handkerchiefs.

And all I have to do is pare down my sexuality to simple gayness, which is heavily in the mix.

Dean Pelton is coming out as approximately two-sevenths of what he is.

and my partner, Domingo. / Very proud of my Craig.

I make gayness look like Mormonism.

Confine yourself to your role, Domingo. And lose the attitude.

That's a little too gay. / I didn't do it because I'm gay. Wait, I'm not gay.

Just one unarmed black man versus one unarmed, openly gay dean.

I belong to one of the most marginalized and least openly honest groups in America. I am a politician.

Oh, I walked into that one.

if I see any race gangs forming, I will have no choice but to adjust the contrast on your screens until you all look the same.

so be nice, to me.

I know most of you are like thirty.

Did someone order a prison break!

School is cancelled. The Honda Fit is happening. It's finally happening.

I'm just going to give this school's assets a quick freezy wheezy.

Why choose, when you can Hond-oose.

Well it's been three weeks. I'm having his car towed.

Chang's absence lowers our insurance premiums 6%.

What have I told you about quitting? That it's sometimes the only way to survive. Well, don't forget I said sometimes.

I can do a morning announcement that will make everyone hate you forever.

Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with hair clippers. Pink Floyd. Oh. You're the worst.

She started it as a fake biology group so that she could have sex with Troy. No. That's exactly it. Oh, okay. Don't let me handle it.

Dean, can I speak to you privately? I'm pretty sure the answer is no.

Give a hand to your brain. Give your brain a hand. You're making it sound stupid on purpose.

If I'm a child, you're a child abuser.

I'm an adult. [CRYING] And you can't make me not cry. You're all a bunch of bullies, and I will say, I'm sorry, however I want. And by the way, I'm not sorry! It's my giant hand and I love it. We're not selling it.

Because I can't cry anymore unless someone brings me a Pedialyte.

Because I can't cry anymore unless someone brings me a Pedialyte.

Figures the one person on my side, is the one playing people chess.

Aah! Don't move, don't move! What the hell else are we supposed to do? Flashback with me.

Dean, we're so sorry, we love you. Screw you! We are not sorry, we hate you!

Nice uncontrollable question mark, Britta!

Super realistic, Annie, you're a real sociopath.

And I think we all know how ironic that is, no offense, Abed. None possible.

And I think we all know how ironic that is, no offense, Abed. None possible.

but des, but

desperate deans call for Deansperate measures.

You just became the Secret Dean Force, The Dean Boys, Task Force Dean, His Dean, Secret People. I know the word Dean is in it.

Dean Force One.

Voice of Diedrich Bader to belfry.

A cleaner Greendale is like a healthier cigarette. Yes, a carrot stick. Frankie can make us a carrot stick. We're tobacco.

A cleaner Greendale is like a healthier cigarette. Yes, a carrot stick.

Take that, health inspector, building inspector, foundation inspector, water line inspector, geologist, exterminator, plumber, and dad.

Just finished entire semester without wearing a single silly outfit.

Hey everybody! I made it! Obviously, I binged pretty hard there after the bell rang but, I made it!