Advanced Advanced Dungeons & Dragons

Unknown Committee Member:Yeah, and then we can get some street insurance, maybe pick up some black market health care on the corner.

Hickey:I have two sons.

Hickey:I only understand one of them.

Hickey:My grandson's birthday is coming up.

Annie:Oh! We should make him a collage!

Hickey:A collage?

Annie:You know, pictures and memories all put together! It'll be so meaningful!

Hickey:I think you mean a college fund.

Annie:...Oh.

Jeff:You mean the game?

Hickey:Yes.

Jeff:We're gonna use it to help you.

Hickey:I know. That's what makes it stupid.

Abed:Our last D&D game nearly ended in tragedy.

Jeff:Look, we did what we had to do. Neil needed an intervention.

Britta:He's doing fine now.

Jeff:Yeah, he's... you know, he's out there. Doing his thing. Living his life or whatever.

Abed:You know what they say about sequels. They're never as good as the original.

Jeff:That's not always true.

Abed:Name one good sequel.

Britta:The Dark Knight.

Abed:Okay, name another one.

Troy:Terminator 2.

Abed:Those don't count. I'm going to run the best D&D campaign this group has ever seen. Better than my first one. Better than anything any of you could do. You're going down.

Hickey:Well, I get to be a character who's powerful and respected, I go on adventures, and nobody can tell me I'm doing it wrong.

Hickey:Yeah, that's my son.

Hank:The obviously contrived father-son setup

Jeff:I'm Jeff Winger. I'm a lawyer. Well, I was a lawyer. I'm also very handsome and I have a ridiculous amount of charisma.

Annie:Look, I don't have time for fantasy complexity. I've got a color-coded study schedule, three extracurriculars, and I'm pretty sure I'm failing Spanish.

Chang:You know what? Fine. From now on, you can all call me... Kevin.

Chang:Wait, my character name is Dingleberry? Like the thing that gets stuck in your butt hair?

Jeff:Yes, Chang. That's exactly what it is.

Chang:This is the worst day of my life.

Hickey:You know what? I'm tired of following this predetermined path. I'm going off-road.

Hickey:These so-called 'boundaries' are just artificial limitations designed to contain us. Well, not on my watch.

Jeff:This is fun! This is so much fun. We're having fun right now. Fun!

Jeff:We're having fun.

Dean Pelton:Fun?! Ha ha ha! Yes! Fun! I love fun! Ha ha ha ha! *forced laughter intensifies* This is me having fun! Isn't this fun, everyone? I'm having so much fun right now! Ha ha ha! *manic grin* Fun fun fun fun FUN!

Jeff:Okay, okay, I cast a spell to make myself too heavy to carry.

Dungeon Master:You're not a wizard.

Jeff:Then I'm a rogue. I use my rogue skills to escape.

Dungeon Master:You fail. They carry you away.

Jeff:I attack them with my sword!

Dungeon Master:Roll for it.

Jeff:I got a twenty!

Dungeon Master:You hit one of them. Roll damage.

Jeff:Twelve damage. Now I'm actually trying to kill them.

Abed:Well, structurally speaking, the bridge needed to collapse for the narrative arc. If it had held, we'd have no third act conflict, no character growth, and frankly, no reason for anyone to learn anything about themselves or each other. Plus, I may have based the calculations on a TV show where they do that thing where they always build it wrong the first time.

Hickey:Nobody invited me to my grandson's birthday party. Can you believe that?

Hickey:I mean, what kind of family doesn't invite their grandfather?

Dean Pelton:Well, have you considered that maybe... they just don't like you?

Hickey:What? That's ridiculous!

Hickey:I'm a very likeable guy.

Hickey:I propose a competition to see who can summon the most powerful necrophile.

Hickey:Listen up! You want to know what builds real teamwork? Fear. Primal, existential fear. So here's what's gonna happen - you're all gonna work together, or I'm gonna hurt you.

Abed:Tiny Nuggins scampers into the jungle.

Annie:That's not a scamper, that's a full combat crawl like the Viet Cong used in the Tet Offensive.

Abed:Hobgoblins are a humanoid monster in fantasy settings, similar to orcs but generally more intelligent and organized.

Abed:They're worth 15 Scrabble points.

Chang:Wait! There are ladies present. Gentlemen first!

Chang:I shall protect your honor with my sword!

Jeff:Hey hobgoblins! Yeah, you heard me! You're just goblins with a hobby!

Shirley:I've loved you all so much. You've been like family to me. I want you to know that whatever happens, I'm at peace.

Jeff:Shirley, we love you too. You've meant everything to us.

Shirley:But Jeff... why did you never return my Tupperware from 2010?

Hickey:I've punched exactly 847 hearts in my life, and I've never missed once. That's a perfect record. I could punch a heart in a pitch-black room while riding a unicycle backwards during an earthquake, and I'd still hit it dead center.

Jeff:We should take a moment to honor their memory.

Jeff:Now, who wants their stuff?

Annie:A fair?

Hank:I'll get the vacuum!

Hank:Time to spray some Raid!

Britta:Sky spiders aren't dangerous. They're actually beneficial to the ecosystem.

Britta:Unlike sky mosquitoes, which will literally kill you.

Jeff:So, uh, nice weather we're having. For the apocalypse, I mean.

Jeff:You guys come here often? To destroy civilization?

Jeff:I gotta say, your exoskeletons are really... shiny. Very intimidating in a professional way.

Jeff:So what's your deal? Are you more of a 'destroy humanity' spider or more of a 'live and let live' spider?

Chang:Dude, these spider chicks are totally hot. I'm gonna tap that.

Annie:He said you were getting fat.

Goblin:What? No, we were just talking about how much we appreciate each other's friendship.

Annie:He also said your voice is annoying.

Annie:I may have suggested to Gerald that little Murg doesn't actually have his ears, and that perhaps he should look into that.

Hank:When you rub a sword, you're not just maintaining steel. You're connecting with something magical, something primal. The friction, the pressure, the rhythmic motion—it builds between you and the blade until you both glisten with—

Jeff:Okay, Hank, we got it.

Hank:—and the release when you finally finish. Pure. Transcendent.

Britta:That's enough sword talk.

Chang:Wait, wait, wait. Before we do this, I need to know—who ate all the popcorn from the study room? Because I specifically labeled that bag with my name, and now it's gone, and I'm genuinely upset about it.

Chang:Okay, anyway, back to this whole impending conflict situation. Let's do this.

Hickey:You know what? I don't care about winning. But Hank? Hank cares too much. It's unhealthy. The man's obsessed.

Hickey:Unlike me. I'm perfectly balanced. I don't need to win at anything.

Hickey:Except I've won 47 consecutive Paintball competitions. I have a trophy room. I've alphabetized my trophies by event name, then by year, then by opponent defeated.

Hickey:You see, the way I figure it, keeping a man from his family is a fundamental rights issue. It's right up there with freedom of speech and the right to bear arms. So when that necromancer tried to keep me from seeing my boy, well, that's when I knew I had to take him down.

Hank:Dad, I just want to—

Hickey:WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Is this an attack?!

Hank:No, I'm trying to hug you—

Hickey:A HUG?! That's what they WANT us to think! Diversionary tactic!

Hank:Dad, please—

Hickey:I'm going in! HYAH!

Abed:You're all missing the point. The ending isn't anticlimactic—it's narratively honest. Not every story needs a explosive finale. Sometimes the most satisfying conclusion is the one that respects internal logic and character development over spectacle. That's actually more sophisticated storytelling.

Abed:I am the Dungeon Master. I decide what happens in this world. You don't get to demand endings. You play by my rules, or you don't play at all. I am a god in this world, and gods don't negotiate with mortals.

Shirley:Even in the afterlife, you need to eat a balanced breakfast. I've got some casserole in the oven upstairs.

Shirley:And don't forget to call your mother, honey. Oh wait, you can now. I'm right here.

Shirley:Most importantly, always wear clean underwear. You never know when you'll end up in heaven or the hospital.

Annie:Wait, so Hickey and Hank are actually... getting along?

Jeff:They found their thing. D&D.

Annie:But they hate each other.

Britta:Exactly. It's the perfect dysfunctional compromise. They get to complain about the game instead of each other.

Abed:It's actually beautiful. They've weaponized escapism.

Jeff:They're like a couple that can't break up because they have a kid together. Except the kid is their entire relationship.

Abed:You know what? I'm done. Everyone's dead. The game is over.

Dean Pelton:But Abed, we were just getting to the best part!

Abed:No. Nuclear explosion. Everyone dies. Including you, Dean.