Professor Buzz Hickey

Hickey:You can have that half of the office, but come spring, that corner is stacked to the rafters with fetal pigs.

Jeff · Hickey:How long have you been... - 15 years. 15 years and counting. 'Temporary gig.' Oh, I like you.

Hickey · Student:You know what that means? It means he gets your meatballs. - Ah, please. That's all I have.

Hickey:The trick is, you gotta show the other baboons you got a bigger, redder ass.

Hickey:Hey, let's turd some lockers!

Hickey:She's lead, we're chalk.

Hickey:Give her A-minuses. It'll drive her nuts, she'll drop.

Hickey:Teachers don't have to explain minuses. Why do you think we invented 'em?

Hickey · Jeff:You like the Leonard Meatballs? They added something special. - It's Leonard.

Hickey:Go get your earring, you piece of human garbage.

Jeff · Hickey:Are you drawing a peanut? - It's a duck, and it's none of your concern, actually.

Hickey:I was in the storm drain lair of the Black River Ripper. I have seen human heads used for things other than heads.

Hickey:It's one duck, his name is Jim, and publishers are interested!

Hickey:There are two things I don't do well, apologies and drawing duck bills.

Hickey:I'm taste-testing rations for the shelter I'm digging.

Hickey:What do you mean my insurance won't cover it anymore? My body doesn't respond well to the generic stuff.

Hickey:I'm an educator, ma'am, living on a teacher's salary!

Hickey:I wake up every night screaming. Life is unfair, but it's the only thing we g...

Hickey:We can't afford to bury dad with the rest of the family.

Hickey:Then I think you just admitted you already owned a fake butt.

Hickey:Ants do have butts.

Hickey:Lee Roth?

Hickey:This is just a little something I threw together

Hickey:My son's getting gay married. The flowers alone, you have no idea

Hickey:I did not skip my son's birthday for second place!

Hickey:They want their porn unblocked. Then they'll give you your board.

Hickey:Welcome to the labyrinth, kid. Only there ain't no puppets or bisexual rock stars down here.

Hickey:You whored yourself out, kid. You wanted that board so bad that you made every board on campus worthless, and in doing so made the school just a shade dirtier.

Hickey:I would raise goats, hoard cinnamon, and travel only at night.

Hickey:Something nobody ever does. Teaching you consequences.

Hickey:And what 'kicky-punch' movie is that from? The ones you've seen or the one I'm gonna watch you miss?

Hickey:For five years, I have watched people walk around on your eggshells. 'Oh, Abed. He's so imaginative, so magical. Everybody hide their hamburgers! If Abed sees a hamburger, we'll all travel in time. Let's eat cookies and ice cream and dress in pajamas in the middle of the day.'

Hickey:I watched my third wife die!

Hickey · Abed:Looked like you were doodling chickens. He is a duck!

Abed · Hickey:You're a bad person and a bad cartoonist. / You go ahead. Hurt my feelings. / Oh! You have feelings, huh?

Hickey:Your cartoons are monuments to joylessness, nervously assembled jokes based on nothing from your life or anyone's life! You're furious at me for being creative because you want to be able to create.

Abed · Hickey:Jim the Duck? Publishers are interested! Oh! Yeah, well, publishers are stupid. Either that or you're misinterpreting what was probably a form letter.

Hickey:In the words of your hacky duck, 'What the hell?'

Hickey · Abed:Wait, the character's name is 'Police Justice'? Yeah, I think I may be able to help.

Hickey · Abed:Millimeter don't make no difference. Bullets just kinda kill you. / 'Bullets just kinda kill you.' Are you quoting something? Can I use that?

Hickey:I should go number two soon

Hickey:Why the hell do you have all those muscles if you're gonna bitch about moving boxes?

Hickey:I'm sweating like a Catholic on Judgement Day. A little Protestant humour. Got more.

Hickey:No, that's Furio, my gay son. Him, I get.

Hickey · Jeff:'Dungeons and Dragons'? - That's the crap.

Hickey:Dungeons. It'd be the dungeons.

Hank · Hickey:Joseph Gordon Diehard. Really? Son of Sir Riggs Diehard. Well, I'm Sir Riggs Diehard, so I guess I'm your dad in the game too.

Hickey:I walk too far south, do I fall off your graph paper there?

Hickey:If I kill the necrophile before you do I come to my grandson's birthday.

Hickey:Well, I'm assuming you guys can help me beat him...because if we lose, I'm gonna punch each of you in the heart.

Hickey:I've punched about a thousand hearts in my life. I never, never missed.

Hickey:This is a man who thinks of grandchildren like trophies. Which is why he'll play to win. And why I can't let him.

Hickey:because every man has the right to hang out with his grandson.

Hank · Hickey · Others:I hug my father! - It's a trick! - I'm not letting him hug me. - I hug my father! - He has gunpowder in his pants.

Hickey · Jeff:Is this a wedding ring? - Are you kidding? What...?

Hickey:It's my mom's. I started wearing it because... I don't know, everybody dreams of settling down, right? And because it fits. She had huge fingers for a woman. Part of what killed her, really.

Hickey · Duncan:Scunthorpe? I was stationed around Scunthorpe. - No. - Oh, wait, wait.

Hickey · Duncan:O'er the lady's smocks I tarry Through the hollyhocks and glen For a piss and a thrush In Scunthorpe - Then it's off to Henningpen

Hickey · Duncan:I lost my virginity at Stainsbury's. - My mother was a Stainsbury whore.

Duncan · Hickey:Mine was missing a thumb. - Oh, my God. - Two thumbs, she got both. - Two thumbs.