Analysis of Cork-Based Networking

Jeff Winger:Our committee is like a fantasy house.

Britta Perry:You mean like Game of Thrones?

Jeff Winger:No, more like... House of the Dragon... wait, I mean House Targaryen... actually, House of Cards.

Jeff Winger:What makes this show great is the writing, the characters, the heart—

Pierce Hawthorne:And the incest.

Jeff Winger:No, Pierce, not the incest.

Abed:This is ridiculous. I can't even talk about what happened in Game of Thrones without someone yelling at me about spoilers.

Abed:It's like we're living in some kind of fantasy world where people actually care about spoiler warnings.

Abed:Oh wait, we are. A literal fantasy world is the show everyone's upset about.

Jeff Winger:If you read those books, you're going to spoil the show for yourself.

Abed Nadir:That's insane.

Abed:I don't watch shows because they're popular. I watch shows because they're interesting to me, regardless of what everyone else thinks.

Abed:Actually, if anything, I'm more likely to watch something if nobody else is watching it. That's where the real value is.

Jeff:I need someone to hang a bulletin board in the study room.

Britta:I'll do it.

Jeff:Great. Try not to make it a drive-by.

Britta:What?

Jeff:You know, just hang it and leave. Don't turn it into some kind of gang activity.

Abed:Wait, so the king is actually the queen's brother, who was switched at birth with the stable boy, who is also the wizard's son?

Troy:Dude, what?

Abed:And the stable boy's mother is the queen's secret twin sister.

Troy:That doesn't even make sense!

Jeff:Can I borrow some tools to hang a bulletin board?

Dean Pelton:No.

Jeff:Okay.

Abed:I need you to fill out this form.

Abed:But don't talk while you're doing it.

Abed:I'm deaf.

Britta:Okay, if you can really read lips, tell me what I'm saying right now.

Abed:You're saying gibberish.

Abed:Hi, I'm here for the census.

Census Worker:Great! Can you tell me your name?

Abed:I'm deaf, so you'll need to speak up.

Census Worker:Okay, I'll speak louder.

Abed:No wait, turn left at the next intersection, then take the second right.

Chang:What if we just killed him?

Jeff:We're not killing anyone, Chang.

Chang:I'm just saying, it's on the table.

Annie:Hi Professor Pushpin!

Annie:Have you seen Crazy Schmidt around?

Janitor:I'll get to it. I got a work order from 1987 I haven't even started yet.

Annie:Let's see... priority one: fix the copier. Priority two: replace the broken pencil sharpener. Priority three...

Annie:Oh wow, this one's from 1987. 'Repair the east wing foundation.' Still in the queue.

Hickey:You think you can get this board hung?

Annie:Please. I've hung plenty of things. I once organized an entire linen closet by thread count.

Hickey:That's not the same thing.

Annie:Oh, I'm sorry, did you need it done, or did you need it done *perfectly*? Because I can do both. In fact, I'll have it up before lunch, and it'll be so level, so perfectly centered, that you'll weep. You'll actually weep at the beauty of this board's placement.

Annie:Oh wow, is that a wood burnt sign? That's so cool! You know, I've actually been researching all the different departments here at Greendale and their inter-departmental relationships. It's great for networking.

Annie:This is the most beautifully engineered toilet I've ever seen. The porcelain glaze, the water pressure, the way it handles... heavy loads.

Annie:I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Bob Waite:You know, running this place is like running a meat processing plant. You got your quality control, your waste management, your union issues...

Bob Waite:And at the end of the day, somebody's gotta make the hard decisions about who stays and who gets ground up into sausage.

Hickey:So you're telling me we go through all that paperwork, all those forms, all those signatures, just to trade porn for bulletin board?

Hickey:You see, kid, in this world you gotta learn how things really work. It's all about who you know, not what you know.

Annie:But Mr. Hickey, that doesn't seem right. Shouldn't merit and hard work matter?

Hickey:That's what they want you to think. It's like that movie, Labyrinth. You gotta navigate the maze, make deals with the goblin king.

Annie:I thought in Labyrinth, Sarah defeats the Goblin King by believing in herself and her friends?

Hickey:Yeah, well, that's the Disney version. In real bureaucracy, you just pay the goblin king and move on.

Annie:Bulletin boards are essential! They post missing persons, community events, important announcements...

Jeff:Annie, no one reads those.

Annie:They do! People need them for housing, jobs, selling items...

Britta:She's right. I found my apartment on a bulletin board.

Annie:Exactly! And bands use them to find musicians. Bad bands need bad bass players!

Annie:This bulletin board is not just cork and wood—it's a canvas for community expression! Every pushpin is a voice, every posted flyer a testament to our collective spirit!

Chang:My theme is 'Cowboy Spaceman Detective,' a perfect blend of genres that transcends traditional categorization.

Chang:Why are you crying?

Other Character:I'm not crying, you're crying!

Chang:No, I'm not... *touches face* Oh my God, I am crying.

Chang:You know what? I'm tired of being treated like I don't matter. I've given everything to this school, and nobody respects me. Nobody listens to me.

Chang:But that's okay. I know why. It's because I'm Asian.

Chang:You guys don't understand! You've all abandoned me! First you didn't invite me to the study group, then you excluded me from the paintball game, and now—now you're telling me I can't be the dean anymore!

Chang:And you know what this is really about? You don't think I'm qualified. You think I'm too unstable, too unpredictable!

Chang:Well, let me tell you something—this is discrimination! This is about my background! This is about where I come from!

Annie:Look, I need complete access to all the restricted websites. Porn, gambling, everything.

IT Person:Um... okay? That's... that's a pretty big request.

Annie:I don't care. I need it. Full access, no blocks, no filters.

IT Person:Can I ask what this is for?

Annie:Research. Now are you going to help me or do I need to go to Dean Pelton?

Chang:I've decorated the gym with authentic bear-themed decorations for the midterm dance.

Duncan:Chang, why is there a birthday cake and party streamers mixed in with the bear motif?

Chang:Because bears have birthdays too, Duncan. It's called diversity.

Dean Pelton:Now listen, we need to carve out some time in the budget for this initiative.

Jeff:Dean, we're not stuffing this turkey until we know what we're working with.

Dean Pelton:But if we don't baste the numbers now, the whole thing will dry out by Q4.

Jeff:You realize you're mixing your metaphors here, right?

Dean Pelton:Am I? Because I'm pretty sure we're both gravy-deep in this commitment.

Parking Guy:You see, I have the power to boot cars. I also have the power to un-boot cars. Some would say that makes me a god.

Parking Guy:Annie, your father never gave you positive reinforcement, so you seek it from authority figures. That's why you're so eager to please me.

Waldron:Look, we need to carve out a deal here before things get too heated.

Waldron:I'm not trying to stuff this turkey of a negotiation, but we're running out of gravy on the clock.

Waldron:So either we can have our pie and eat it too, or this whole cornucopia of dreams just gets cold and goes back in the oven.

Waldron:You see, in dinosaur times, there was an abundance of resources. No bureaucracy, no parking department to regulate where you could leave your Brachiosaurus.

Dean Pelton:That's right. Solar power, wind power, and of course, the power of a father's approval — which, let's be honest, you're never going to get, Waldron.

Dean Pelton:I'm going to talk turkey with you.

Waldron:Oh, you're actually going to talk like a turkey?

Dean Pelton:Gobble gobble gobble gobble!

Jeff:Why are there bear decorations everywhere?

Dean Pelton:There was a bear attack this morning.

Jeff:Wait, an actual bear attack? Not a drill?

Dean Pelton:Very much an actual bear. We're processing it as a campus community.

Dean Pelton:The bear is our school mascot. It's a symbol of strength and pride.

Jeff Winger:Yeah, except there's been a bear attack in the area. Three hikers mauled just yesterday.

Britta Perry:So we're literally celebrating the exact thing that just murdered people.

Dean Pelton:Well, when you put it that way, it sounds bad.

Chang:Oh no. Oh no no no. I just realized... I didn't come up with the bear idea. I saw it on the news. Some guy actually did that. I subconsciously plagiarized from a real tragedy.

Dean Pelton:I'm about to sign this form, but I noticed you wrote 'assorted pickles' instead of 'mixed pickles.'

Jeff:They're the same thing, Dean.

Dean Pelton:No, they're not. And until you change it, this form doesn't get signed.

Jeff:You're holding up the entire budget over pickles?

Dean Pelton:I'm holding up this budget until I get some respect around here. And respect starts with proper pickle nomenclature.

Hickey:Annie, I'm disappointed in you. You've become everything I despise - corrupt, dishonest, willing to compromise your principles for personal gain.

Annie:That's not fair, Hickey. You don't understand the situation.

Hickey:Oh, I understand perfectly. And you know what the worst part is? I thought you were better than this.

Jeff:You can't just take down the bulletin board! It's a public space!

Dean Pelton:Actually, Jeff, as Dean, I have every right to remove it. The postings have become... problematic.

Britta:This is about censorship! We're living in a fascist state!

Abed:Guys, we're talking about a bulletin board, not the fall of democracy.

Dean Pelton:A fat dog is when you take two hot dogs and stack them on top of each other. Bah!

Jeff Winger:It's a real word. I read it on Wikipedia.

Britta Perry:Jeff, you can't just believe everything on Wikipedia.

Jeff Winger:Well, it's more reliable than you are.

Chang:What if instead of a bear mascot, we had a Mantis Toboggan? It's a real thing. Look it up.

Jeff:Bear down for midterms!

Britta:Jeff, did you not hear about the bear attack?

Jeff:What? No, I just... I mean, it's a saying.

Annie:A saying that's deeply insensitive right now.

Abed:I'm not being deceptive. I'm providing employment for an interpreter.

Troy:It's the Fat Dog Dance. It's a real thing.

Abed:I've never heard of it.

Troy:That's because you're not from the streets.

Singer:Fat dog dance, fat dog dance, it's a real thing, fat dog dance. Fat dog dance, fat dog dance, look it up, it's in the dance, fat dog dance.

Unknown:Wait, is that a fat dog dance?

Unknown:No, that's a bear.

Chang:Wait, what did I do? What protocol is this?

Voice:Self-destruct sequence initiated.

Chang:No, no, no! I just wanted to check my email!

Phone System:Welcome to Greendale Community College. Press 1 for English.

Phone System:For Admissions, press 2. For Financial Aid, press 3. For a complex military operation to select a color, press 4.

Phone System:You have selected color selection. This is Operation Chromatic Shield. Please state your preferred hue using military phonetic alphabet. Bravo for Blue. Delta for... a different blue.

Phone System:Confirm your selection by entering the launch codes. We are now at DEFCON 2.