App Development and Condiments

Jeff:Stop making that face.

Shirley:What face? This is my normal face.

Jeff:No, that manipulative, innocent face you make when you've done something wrong.

Shirley:I would never manipulate anyone. That's a sin, and I'm a God-fearing woman.

Dean Pelton:This app will connect our students, facilitate meaningful interactions, and create a vibrant digital community where everyone's voice is heard.

Dean Pelton:It's just like Facebook, but better!

David:We're launching a serious social networking app.

Bixel:What are we calling it?

David:MeowMeowBeenz.

Bixel:...MeowMeowBeenz?

David:It's sophisticated.

David:Five stars for that intro.

David:Two stars for the actual performance.

Dean Pelton:What do you mean the ratings are down? Those are MY ratings. I nurtured them. I watched them grow from a tiny 2.3 to a beautiful 4.7.

Dean Pelton:You can't just take them away from me. We had something special. Every morning I'd wake up and check on them like they were my own children.

Dean Pelton:If anyone's going to lower those ratings, it's going to be me. Nobody else gets to hurt my ratings but me!

Hickey:We fight for this country, for our freedom, for our—

Hickey:Actually, I gotta use the bathroom. Right now.

Annie:It's like a food chain. Starburns is at the top, Garrett is at the bottom, and we're all just trying not to get eaten.

Jeff:You know what? This new app system is ridiculous. It's overly complicated, it's exclusionary, and it completely ignores the needs of people who don't fit into its narrow parameters.

Jeff:But me? I've been running my own system for years. It's called 'being tall, attractive, and saying the right things at the right time.' And let me tell you, it works flawlessly.

Jeff:The system reduces human interaction to numbers. It's dehumanizing.

Annie:I know! Isn't it amazing? I've already color-coded my contact list by interaction frequency, assigned point values to different conversational topics, and created a spreadsheet tracking optimal response times!

Annie:I love the rating system! It's so fair and objective.

Jeff:Of course you do. You know what? I hate it. I hate everything that's popular or makes sense. It's who I am.

Chang:I was just trying to get some sympathy ratings, but then I realized I could milk this thing for weeks!

Jeff:I have no idea what you just said.

Pierce:You know what? Social media is worse than the Holocaust, but also it's given us the freedom to be ourselves like Woodstock. It's the worst best thing that ever happened.

Jeff:Pierce, your cultural references are so old, they're not even references anymore. They're just things that happened to you.

Britta:It's like Hitler—

Annie:Britta, if you finish that sentence, I'm giving you a bad rating on RateMyProfessor.

Annie:We need to leverage our core competencies and synergize our bandwidth to maximize our value proposition.

Jeff:Annie, you've been linguistically colonized by the system.

Jeff:You know what? I'm tired of this rating system. It's demeaning, it's reductive, and it prevents us from seeing the true value in each other. We're more than a number!

Crowd:*rates Jeff down*

Jeff:I got a 2.3 rating? A 2.3?! Do you know what that means? That means fewer people watched me than watch paint dry. Literally. There are paint-drying livestreams with better numbers!

Jeff:I'm a laughingstock. A cautionary tale. In five years, when someone bombs, they'll say 'Well, at least you didn't pull a Winger.'

Jeff:My legacy is ruined. RUINED. I might as well move to a cabin in the woods and live off the grid, because society has spoken, and society says I'm a failure.

Abed:The mustard makes you more relatable and persuasive. It humanizes you.

Abed:You know, Jeff, your intensity comes from a place of deep insecurity. You overcompensate by being charming and manipulative because you're afraid people will see through you.

Jeff:Well, your face comes from a place of deep insecurity, and you overcompensate by being weird and socially awkward because you're afraid people will think you're normal.

Vicki:Oh my God, I only gave you 4 stars!

Shirley:Four stars? Well, that's fine. That's just fine. I'm used to people not appreciating what I do. I've made peace with my suffering.

Annie:Jeff, your opinion doesn't matter. You're a 3.

Jeff:I'm going to fight the system by succeeding in it.

Jeff:Wait, that doesn't make any sense.

Koogler:Yo, check it out bros. My name is Koogler, but I got some alternate identities. Like, I could be K-Dogg the Rhyme Master, or Koolseph Stalin, or The Koogler Khan, or Koogler the Merciless Destroyer of Worlds, Supreme Emperor of All Galaxies, Master of the Universe, Devourer of Souls... Steve.

Jeff:Why is everyone wearing grey? Did Starburst do a commercial about the institutional blandness of community college or something?

Abed:I'm going to try something. I'm going to make eye contact and nod at appropriate intervals.

Abed:I've been studying human interaction. It's like a TV show, but everyone's the main character.

Dean Pelton:I'm going to be watching you, Jeff.

Jeff:That's fine, Dean. Watch all you want. But you'll never understand success dust. It's what separates the winners from the people who wear cardigans and spend their days obsessing over a 20-year-old's transcripts.

Dean Pelton:What are you talking about?

Jeff:Success dust. It coats my shoulders every morning. I shower it off, but it always comes back. It's like a sexually transmitted achievement.

Garrett:My birthday is next week and nobody ever remembers.

Koogler:People see me as cool, innovative, a man who understands youth culture and stays relevant.

Koogler:I'm basically the bridge between the establishment and the streets.

Abed:I've achieved everything I wanted in this system. High ratings, critical acclaim, industry recognition. But the system that rewards these things also demands you become a version of yourself that makes you miserable.

Abed:I'm not happy. I know that sounds ungrateful, but I'm genuinely miserable.

Shirley:Oh honey, stop it. You're doing so well!

Abed:No, Shirley, you don't understand. Success feels empty to me.

Shirley:That's just the devil talking! You should be proud of yourself!

Abed:I'm having a genuine emotional crisis and no one can tell.

Security Guard:I'm sorry, your rating is too low. You can't be in this area.

Lower-rated person:What? But I just need to—

Security Guard:No exceptions. You're a 4.2. Move along, 4.2.

Lower-rated person:My name is—

Security Guard:I don't care what your name is. You're 4.2 now.

Jeff:Wait, so you're telling me I need mustard to convince you? What is this, the 'Mustard Effect'? I have to condition you like I'm some kind of... condiment-based Pavlov?

Jeff:This is ridiculous. I should be able to persuade people with my charm and intellect, not by waving a bottle of French's in their face.

Shirley:You know, when I was just a regular person, I never understood the power of being in charge. But now that I'm running things, I see people completely differently.

Shirley:Like, that 7 over there? Beautiful creature. Very reliable. And don't even get me started on the 9s — they're rare, but when you find one, you hold onto it.

Shirley:The 4s, though? They're always causing trouble. Unpredictable. You can't trust a 4.

Dean Pelton:Our rating system is a beautiful hierarchy. Five stars means 'transcendent,' four stars means 'excellent,' three stars means 'good,' two stars means 'adequate,' and one star means 'you are a talentless hack and no one loves you.'

Jeff:You ever notice how people with low ratings just do weird stuff? Like, they'll stand in the middle of the hallway for no reason. Just... standing there. Blocking traffic. No phone in their hand, no destination in mind. Just existing in the worst possible location.

Jeff:And they always eat the same thing every day. Like, somehow a low rating makes you commit to the most random food choice. 'Oh, you like tuna sandwiches? Every single day? For three years? Cool, cool. That's totally normal behavior and not at all a sign that something's wrong.'

Jeff:But the thing is, they don't even realize they're doing it. They think they're fine. They think they're just living their life. Meanwhile, the rest of us are walking around them like we're navigating an obstacle course.

Jeff:You know what I'm talking about? The four walk. When four guys walk somewhere together, there's always that one guy in front, two guys in the middle, and one guy trailing behind.

Jeff:And the guy in front? He's leading with confidence. The middle guys are just going along with it. And the back guy? He's always looking around like he's not sure why he's there.

Jeff:It's the most predictable thing in the world. Every time. Same formation, same energy.

Jeff:You know, I've been thinking about what it means to be a three. To have that kind of power, that kind of presence...

Jeff:But you know what? Forget all that. Have you tried Granny Smith apples? Crisp, refreshing, and they're a solid seven at least.

Koogler:Koogler approves!

Garrett:Jeff, I need you to stand here. This is going to be the most important picture ever taken.

Jeff:It's just a photo, Garrett.

Garrett:Just a photo? This is me, standing next to a successful lawyer. Historians will study this moment. They'll write papers about it. My grandchildren will point to this image in textbooks and say, 'That's my grandfather, on the day everything changed.'

Jeff:Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Britta:Words are my weapons.

Security Guard:Then you're not very well armed.

Shirley:You know what your problem is, Jeff? You're so busy trying to be the smartest person in the room that you forget to actually care about anyone in it. You manipulate, you charm, you smile that smile, and everyone just falls in line like we're extras in the Jeff Winger show.

Shirley:And the worst part? You genuinely don't see it. You think you're helping. You think you're the good guy. But you're just a beautiful, empty suit playing dress-up in someone else's life.

Britta:Okay, everyone, I need your attention. I have something important to say.

Britta:And before you ask, no, this is not about the mustard effect. I'm being serious here.

Britta:We're starting a revolution against this rating system! I call it the... revuolution!

Britta:I hereby declare myself Supreme Leader of the New Greendale Order, Keeper of the Enlightened Path, Protector of Progressive Values, and Eternal Shepherd of the People's Consciousness.

Dean Pelton:These spam emails are ridiculous. I get at least fifty a day. 'Enlarge your penis.' I don't need to enlarge my penis. It's already a very respectable size. Very symmetrical. The girth-to-length ratio is almost mathematical in its perfection.

Abed:Wait, none of this matters. It's the weekend.

Chang:You think I'm taking this off? I rented this thing! I'm getting my money's worth.

Announcer:This summer, one study group will face their greatest challenge yet.

Jeff:We need to ace this final exam.

Britta:I'm going to birdie this essay.

Troy:We're going to have to drive hard for this one.

Abed:Hole in one on that research paper.

Pierce:I'm putting all my effort into this assignment.

Announcer:Coming soon... KOOGLER: A Study in Hazards.

Abed:In a world where one man dares to challenge the system...

Abed:He puts a 'kick me' sign on his boss's back.

Abed:He replies-all to company-wide emails.

Abed:He is... Koogler.