Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps

Abed:Look at this spider. Look at it. Just... look at how it moves. The way it crawls across my hand with such deliberate menace. This is cinema. This is art.

Pierce:A pre-party? What is that? You know what, I think you kids just make up words now. You just... you just say stuff.

Troy:Wait, what? We didn't have to dress up?

Abed:The implication that your current outfit isn't even trying.

Britta:What do you mean limited? We have NPR podcasts. We have like, all of them. Serial, This American Life, Radiolab...

Britta:These are objectively the best things to listen to. Why would anyone want anything else?

Jeff:I don't actually know. I don't watch those movies.

Britta:Can we talk for a quick second?

Jeff:Of course. But make it quick, I'm very busy and important.

Britta:I got my test results back.

Jeff:Please tell me you didn't ruin them again.

Britta:I didn't ruin them.

Jeff:That's what you said last time.

Dean Pelton:Trick or Treat? More like Trick or Treat Dean!

Dean Pelton:It's a Halloween decoration.

Jeff Winger:Dean, it's November.

Dean Pelton:An early Halloween decoration for next year.

Jeff Winger:When are you going to fix them?

Dean Pelton:Next week.

Jeff Winger:It's been three weeks.

Dean Pelton:Next month.

Britta:Someone has extreme personality disorder.

Jeff:Yeah, well, my progression from Dorito to cool ranch lunatic is just called being human.

Britta:My test results are completely accurate.

Jeff:Yeah, well, you really Britta'd that one.

Britta:Wait, people are using my name as a verb? Like 'Don't Britta this'?

Jeff:Yeah. It means to mess something up.

Britta:We could tell scary stories. I'm studying your reactions.

Woman:There's an escaped convict in the area!

Man:I don't care. Have you seen how hot the new barista is?

Jeff:Fine, I'll go check out that noise.

Jeff:But this better not take long. I'm billing you for my time.

Abed:The story made me embarrassed.

Jeff:That's... actually a really healthy response.

Abed:The girl walks into the dark room. The killer is waiting. But instead of screaming, she pulls out her phone and opens a dating app. 'I'm looking for someone who's into stalking and murder,' she swipes right. The killer looks at his phone. Match. They exchange numbers. They text back and forth. He kills her. She rates him three stars on Yelp.

Abed (as female character):I find myself attracted to you. My pupils are dilated, my oxytocin levels are elevated, and I've adopted a higher vocal pitch.

Abed (as male character):Fascinating. My sympathetic nervous system is also activated. I'm experiencing increased heart rate and blood flow redistribution to my extremities.

Abed (as female character):So what you're saying is... you like me?

Abed (as male character):The data suggests a correlation between proximity to you and my dopamine production. I would characterize that as affirmative.

Abed:According to studies, the optimal time to kiss is 2 hours and 47 minutes into a date.

Troy:Who determined that?

Abed:Scientists. Very lonely scientists.

Britta:That's the most Abed thing I've ever heard.

Abed:I'm just saying, statistically speaking—

Annie:Abed, no one's asking you to kiss anyone.

Abed:I'm aware. I've conducted a clinical evaluation of each of your faces and determined that none of you meet the parameters.

Jeff:Did he just—

Shirley:He did.

Troy:That's cold, man.

Abed:Because in horror movies, the killer always takes time out to do a musical number. It's a well-established convention. It gives the victims a chance to escape, but they never do because they're too busy enjoying the entertainment. It's actually a brilliant survival strategy that nobody ever thinks to use.

Abed:According to every horror movie ever made, we should split up and investigate separately.

Troy:That's the worst idea.

Abed:I know. But it's what happens in the movies.

Annie:So we should do the opposite?

Abed:No, we should do exactly that because subverting tropes is how you survive.

Jeff:Or we could just call campus security.

Britta:Jeff's right. That's actually logical.

Abed:You're killing the genre here.

Troy:Wait, is someone going to kiss someone? Because that always happens right before the jump scare.

Shirley:Not on my watch.

Jeff:Annie, come here.

Annie:What? Why?

Jeff:Just trust me.

Abed:Oh no. The romantic subplot.

Troy:This is how people die in movies!

Abed:Well, yeah, but it has to be earned. You can't just kill someone off for cheap drama or ratings.

Annie:Thou art a most vexing creature of pedestrian intellect, a veritable beacon of mediocrity whose very existence doth offend the sensibilities of the undead!

Vampire:You are a contemptible wretch, a pustule on the face of humanity, a walking advertisement for birth control. Your very existence is an affront to decency and good taste.

Victim:Yeah, okay, just do it.

Annie (as vampire):I'm going to drain you dry!

Annie (as schoolteacher):Wait! Don't you want to learn to read first?

Annie (as vampire):I... yes. Yes, I do.

Annie:So the werewolf just starts mauling the vampire, like, just absolutely destroying him. It's like when you're cleaning out your refrigerator and you find something in the back that's been there for months, so you just throw it away without even looking at it too closely.

Annie:Extremely detailed description of watching yourself be digested

Britta:That's problematic. It's like you're perpetuating a heteronormative, patriarchal narrative structure that commodifies female suffering as a vehicle for male validation and—

Annie:Britta, I was just telling you about my day.

Britta:Exactly.

Jeff:You're like a little gaming console, and I'm just blowing into you.

Troy:I'm a fighter pilot. Nyeeooowww! Psh-psh-psh-psh! Eject! Eject! Nyeeooowww!

Troy:Guys, I need help. My plane went down in the woods.

Abed:What happened?

Troy:I heard these sounds... branches cracking, animals howling...

Jeff:That sounds terrifying.

Troy:No man, it was awesome.

Troy:I've been waiting for this moment! Time to reveal my diabolical experiment!

Troy:We're going to attach everyone's arms to their legs! Isn't it wonderful? I'm so excited!

Abed:We're sewn together.

Troy:We have psychic powers.

Abed:That's not how that works.

Troy:You thought it too!

Troy as doctor:You two think you're so great just because you saved the world in those ridiculous costumes.

Troy:Dude, you're literally us from an evil dimension.

Abed:Yeah, and we're way cooler.

Troy as doctor:No you're not!

Troy:So you thought you could mess with us, doc?

Abed:Time to turn the tables.

Troy:We're gonna do something anatomically impossible...

Abed:But childishly funny.

Troy:We're gonna kick you in the butt... twice!

Troy:I win! I win! Finally, a victory!

Abed:Wait, how are you even holding anything? You don't have hands.

Troy:What? Of course I have hands.

Abed:No, you have feet hands.

Troy:Oh my God...

Pierce:Wait, why am I in this story? I'm just the old guy who says offensive things and dies.

Troy:That's not true, Pierce.

Pierce:No, it's fine. I've accepted it. I'm the Chris Brown of the group.

Pierce:Yo, what's good, my homie G-dog? I'm about to drop some knowledge on y'all fools, ya heard? Pierce Hawthorne in the house, and I'm about to serve up some justice, fo' shizzle my nizzle!

Pierce:I'm still relevant! I'm still relevant!

Jeff:Pierce, you realize Magnum P.I. ended in 1988, right? You've been telling the same story for twenty-seven years.

Pierce:Oh yeah? Well you're a real Belize, Jeff!

Troy:Dude, we're living in the end times. There are locusts, there's darkness at noon, there's a plague of frogs—

Abed:Troy, that's just New York.

Radio announcer:This is NPR. Good evening. We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. Nuclear warheads have been detected approaching the continental United States. We repeat, nuclear warheads have been detected. All citizens are advised to seek shelter immediately. This has been a presentation of NPR News.

Shirley:Pilates is a genital-eating demon.

Shirley:He stabs you over and over again, but like, in a childish way. Like he doesn't really mean it.

Shirley:Oh thank you so much for saving me!

Unknown:You're welcome.

Shirley:I was trapped in that burning building with my friend... uh... what's his name... Jeff? No wait, it was... oh, you know what, it doesn't matter. The point is we're alive!

Shirley:I forgive you. I forgive all of you. That's what Jesus would want.

Shirley:I'm going to go pray about this... alone. In my car. For the next six hours.

Shirley:Well, I suppose gay marriage would be just as eternal and torturous.

Jeff:That's like... that's like putting a dent in a car that's already rusted. You're not really making it worse, you're just adding to what's already there.

Jeff:Wait, wait. Nobody got tortured. Shirley, you're making that up.

Troy:Yeah, and I wasn't wearing a¡ poncho.

Jeff:That's what you're concerned about?

Jeff:It was me. I killed him. And I did it because of my deep-seated abandonment issues stemming from my father's absence.

Britta:Oh Jeff, that's so vulnerable of you to share.

Annie:We're here for you.

Group:*group hugs Jeff*

Troy:It's okay to feel your feelings, man.

Jeff:So this killer, right? He just needs hugs. That's his whole thing.

Pierce:Well, I'm not hugging him. Last time I hugged a stranger, I woke up three days later in Reno with a new tattoo and a wife.

Britta:Jeff is clearly exhibiting defensive behavioral patterns consistent with someone who has something to hide. The way he's avoiding eye contact and crossing his arms suggests deep-seated anxiety rooted in childhood trauma or possibly narcissistic personality disorder.

Jeff:I'm not a sociopath. I'm just a guy who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to do whatever it takes to get it. Which, okay, fine, sounds bad when you say it like that. But the difference between me and an actual sociopath is that I feel bad about it afterward.

Pierce:Yeah, well, that's great, Jeff, but nobody cares.

Annie:Wait, Pierce dismisses every story Jeff tells. And whenever he does, something bad happens to Pierce within the next twenty minutes.

Pierce:That's ridiculous.

Annie:Is it?

Jeff:Look, I didn't take the test that seriously. I just filled in answers randomly.

Britta:Wait... you filled in answers randomly?

Jeff:Yeah, why?

Britta:Jeff, your random answers were the ones that triggered the grade curve panic. Everyone's been freaking out because of you.

Jeff:So?

Britta:So?! You caused this entire mess by not even trying!

Annie:You're a sociopath.

Jeff:A sociopath wouldn't know he's a sociopath. I know I'm a sociopath, which makes me the sanest person here.

Jeff:Wait, so Britta answered every single question wrong?

Britta:It was a tough test!

Jeff:Britta, you didn't just fail the test. You Britta'd the test.

Britta:That's not fair!

Jeff:You totally Britta'd that.

Britta:What? No I didn't!

Jeff:Yes you did. You Britta'd it. It means you messed something up.

Annie:That's not fair. You can't just make Britta a verb.

Abed:Actually, Jeff just did. He verbed her.

Troy:I'm going to start using 'Jeff' as a verb for when someone acts like they're smarter than everyone.

Jeff:What? That's not—

Britta:And I'm going to use 'Troy' for whenever someone says something painfully earnest.

Troy:That's just mean.

Abed:I'm going to 'Annie' everything I do obsessively well.

Pierce:Hello? Is anyone there? How long have I been here?

Jeff:Pierce, you've been tied up for three days.

Pierce:Three days?! Why didn't anyone come get me?

Britta:We forgot you were in here.

Pierce:You forgot?!

Pierce:Please, just let me out of here!

Troy:Yeah, yeah, we hear you, Pierce.

Abed:You want some?

Troy:Mmm, this is good.

Troy:♪ Troy and Abed in the morning ♪

Abed:♪ Troy and Abed in the morning ♪

Troy:♪ Troy's scared of his own shadow ♪

Abed:♪ Abed's a little weird ♪

Both:♪ Everything's cool when you're part of a team ♪