Environmental Science

Dean Pelton:I'm proud to announce that Greendale Community College is officially changing its name to Envirodale Community College. It's more earth-smart.

Jeff Winger:Dean, we were already called Greendale.

Dean Pelton:Green Day is coming to perform at Greendale!

Student:Oh.

Dean Pelton:We need to reprint 5,000 more flyers. We're going green!

Dean Pelton:I'm saving the planet.

Student:Wait, why doesn't Annie have to write the essay?

Chang:Because Annie's a kiss-up. But you know what? Fine. Everyone writes an essay. The essay title is: 'Why I Will Not Commit Acts of Violence Against Professor Chang.'

Student:I don't really know much Spanish.

Chang:Perfect. Write a five-page essay on why you don't know Spanish.

Britta:Chang, I think if we all just take a step back and approach this calmly and rationally...

Chang:Ass-kissing! That's what that is! You know what? I'm quadrupling the assignment.

Jeff:Chang, you can't just keep doing increasingly unhinged things and expect—

Chang:I'm going to win a Grammy!

Jeff:A Grammy? Chang, you don't even play music.

Chang:Not a Grammy. A Granny. I'm going to be so crazy, they'll just give me an award for being someone's insane grandmother.

Abed:You're afraid of rats.

Troy:I'm not afraid of rats. I just don't associate with them. They're poor.

Troy:You can't just adopt a popular animal. Everyone wants a dog or a cat. You gotta go with something unpopular. Like a koala or a llama.

Troy:And you definitely can't adopt a lake. Lakes are the most unpopular animals of all.

Annie:I'll do it.

Annie:What? I always do this. I'm the Annie. In every group, there's an Annie, and the Annie does the weird stuff nobody else wants to do.

Pierce:Jeff's silver tongue? I'd like to get my hands on that silver tongue. Work it like a lollipop.

Jeff:Look, if I can't convince you guys not to make me do this, how am I supposed to convince Chang?

Annie:Wait... you just did.

Jeff:Chang's not crazy, he's just... Chang.

Jeff:He's won a Grammy and lost his mind. That's the Chang span.

Jeff:So you guys are doing my homework, right?

Britta:No, Jeff. You're a handsome hobo and we're the end of the line.

Jeff:Okay, I'll talk to Chang.

Chang:Great! We can go to my office.

Jeff:Your office? The last guy who went to your office came out... different. Actually, he didn't come out.

Dean Pelton:Oh my... is that leather? And are those... chains? My goodness, this is highly inappropriate and yet I find myself completely unable to look away.

Jeff:Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to Greendale's Green Week celebration... Green Day!

Fake Green Day member:Actually, we're 'Green... Day.' Get it? Because it's green... and it's day?

Britta:That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Jeff:Can I ask you a personal question?

Chang:Oh, Freud, sure. Psychoanalyze away.

Jeff:Chang taught them that 'wife' means 'liar' - revealing his bitter feelings

Chang:I satisfy my wife greatly. She's very happy.

Jeff:Well, you have to compensate somehow.

Chang:I may be going through a divorce, but I am still very much a man. A man who is skilled in the art of... intimate relations. I have demonstrated considerable proficiency in the horizontal tango, if you will.

Chang:Pickled bull testicle?

Jeff:Are you offering me food or asking me to provide testicles?

Troy:I'm not afraid of rats. I can handle this.

Abed:Okay.

Troy:AHHHHHHH! GET IT AWAY FROM ME! OH MY GOD!

Troy:Don't come near me! I will fight every single one of you!

Troy:I'm not coming down there!

Chang:Sha-clackey!

Jeff:Wait, so everyone's exempt from writing the essay?

Chang:No, just you.

Jeff:Oh.

Jeff:You know what? I appreciate the offer, but I've got this handled.

Jeff:Actually, you guys feeling guilty about something? Because now would be the perfect time to just do it for me.

Britta:Maybe the rat is happy living with other rats now.

Shirley:Yeah, Britta, be realistic.

Pierce:You can't use those cards, Annie. Credit cards are a scam invented by the government to track your spending habits.

Pierce:And you can't use cash because cash is just paper, and paper comes from trees, and trees are monitored by the NSA.

Pierce:So the only logical solution is to barter exclusively in precious metals, which I happen to sell at competitive rates.

Pierce:Oh, like, shut up.

Pierce:You need a hook. Something that grabs people's attention right away. Like, 'Did you know that 90% of women prefer a man who can...' well, you know what I'm gonna say.

Annie:No, I really don't.

Pierce:Communicate. What did you think I was gonna say?

Chang:Eres muy feo.

Abed:Thanks, I appreciate that.

Chang:That means you're ugly.

Abed:I know what it means, Chang. I'm just choosing to take it as a compliment.

Chang:Shakira, she's very formal Spanish. Tupac, he's street Spanish. Both dirty.

Chang:I'm not friends with them.

Chang:Remember that drink we had? The Blue Hawaiian?

Jeff:Yeah, that was pretty good.

Chang:BLUE HAWAIIAN! *chef's kiss* Those were the days, my friend.

Britta:You know what, Jeff? You're just a spray tan, a sweater vest, and a complete lack of self-awareness in a human suit.

Abed:The meek shall inherit the earth.

Abed:But first, I'm going to kill you.

Troy:Your face is stupid!

Pierce:I've been divorced four times. I know what I'm talking about. When you break up with a group, you gotta do it clean. No Facebook messages, no group texts. You call each one individually.

Pierce:And whatever you do, don't let them keep the Foosball table. Trust me on this.

Pierce:La mujer tiene... muy grandes... 'software.'

Shirley:Seven divorces? That's not the amazing part. The amazing part is that seven women agreed to marry him!

Chang:I just need someone to lean on right now. My whole world is falling apart.

Jeff:Of course, man. What do you need?

Chang:Can I... can I rest my head on your chest? I need to feel those pectoral muscles.

Pierce:You can't handle the truth! ...about our new moisturizing towelettes.

Pierce:These towelettes are moist. Devastatingly moist.

Pierce:And you people have the backbone of a chocolate éclair!

Pierce:Now Annie, when you're up there presenting, you want to make sure you're making eye contact with the audience. Preferably the attractive members of the audience. And if anyone objects, just tell them you have a medical condition.

Pierce:Also, wear something that shows off your... presentation skills, if you know what I mean.

Annie:Pierce, that's completely inappropriate!

Pierce:Look, I'm just trying to help. But you can't tell anyone I said this, okay? Your mother would kill me.

Annie:Troy, you've been acting really cool and dismissive lately. Did something happen?

Troy:I don't know what you're talking about.

Annie:It's the chair, isn't it? You're sitting in a different chair in the study room and it's making you think you're cooler than us.

Troy:That's ridiculous.

Annie:The corner chair, Troy. The corner chair gives you attitude. That's Sitcom Psychology 101.

Troy:A true friend is someone who's always there for you, someone you can count on no matter what. Someone who will drop everything to help you out, cancel their plans, rearrange their entire life around your needs. That's what friendship is.

Troy:And if they can't do that? Well, then they're not really your friend, are they?

Troy:Look, I'm just saying, Abed's been acting weird all week. It's like he's lost his mind or something.

Troy:I mean, come on, the guy won't stop talking about how he's going to win a Grammy. A Grammy, Abed! You're not even a musician!

Troy:And then he's like, 'Well, I could win a Tony.' A Tony? For what, exactly? Your documentary about blanket forts?

Troy:Next thing you know, he'll be telling us he's winning an Oscar. Then an Emmy. Then he'll be hosting The Price is Right.

Dean Pelton:Everyone, I'd like to introduce the real Green Day!

Dean Pelton:Well, they're not really Green Day. But they play Green Day songs, and honestly, they're just as good.

Professor:No note cards. You need to know this material cold.

Annie:But I have everything organized here...

Professor:Cards. Now.

Annie:No, please, I need—

Professor:This is a classroom, not a cue card factory.

Annie:Brownies are just chocolate cake under pressure!

Annie:Here's Johnny!

Annie:I mean, here's the brownies!

Chang:Thank you, Jeff. I'm canceling all group assignments.

Jeff:Great!

Chang:However, I'm assigning you a new essay. The topic is: 'How I Manipulated My Teacher Into Doing What I Wanted.'

Chang:I've been thinking about what I've done, and I realize I need to make this right. The assignment I gave you all was impossible, and that was wrong of me.

Chang:So effective immediately, I'm canceling it. Consider it done. Wiped from the record.

Chang:Booyah!

Chang:Your assignment is to write a self-aware title that describes exactly what you did.

Jeff:'Self-Aware Title That Describes Exactly What I Did.'

Britta:I'm sorry for calling you a 'sentient tax return.' That was below the belt, even for you.

Abed:You know, Dean, I've been rewatching all the security footage from your office. There's a pattern.

Dean Pelton:What? Abed, that's... why would you—

Abed:You rearrange that desk chair at least seventeen times a day. Sometimes you just sit in it. For hours. Just... touching the armrests.

Dean Pelton:I—that's not—

Abed:And the filing cabinets? You run your hands along them when you think no one's looking. I'm looking, Dean. I'm always looking.

Pierce:Why is the paint so runny? This isn't even real paint! It's like... it's like shooting someone with a bottle of Sunny Delight!