The Politics of Human Sexuality

Annie:Your mother's so positive, she tested positive for chlamydia.

Annie:The STD awareness fair slogan is 'Catch Knowledge, Not Diseases.'

Jeff:That's actually pretty good.

Annie:Thank you! I spent all morning coming up with it.

Britta:Well, I have notes.

Troy:You reference movies in literally every conversation. Can't you just talk normally?

Abed:That's like asking Denzel Washington to stop being Denzel Washington.

Sabrina:Well, 'secretary' is a pretty degrading term.

Sabrina:I prefer 'officey things person.'

Jeff:Oh, I'm sorry, did correcting the title make it less sexist? Because I'm pretty sure the job is still the same.

Dean Pelton:We've had another incident. Three toilet seats have gone missing from the faculty bathroom.

Jeff Winger:Dean, that's terrible. Do we know who took them?

Dean Pelton:Well, that's the thing. Security footage shows they're being stolen by a highly organized ring of toilet seat thieves who are using them to construct an elaborate throne in the air vents.

Dean Pelton:We have a toilet seat theft problem in the faculty bathroom. I've decided to install hidden cameras in all the stalls.

Jeff Winger:Dean, that's illegal.

Dean Pelton:Not if I'm also using the bathroom. Then it's just me enjoying my own privacy.

Jeff:What does this fortune cookie say? 'Your future is cloudy, but treatment is available.'

Dean:Oh, that's from our STD fair! I'm so proud of that marketing campaign.

Jeff:Dean, I want to congratulate you on—

Jeff:Actually, no. I don't.

Pierce:My girlfriend is so smart.

Jeff:Yeah, Pierce, we all know what you mean.

Pierce:You know, a relationship is like fishing. You cast your line out there, wait for a bite, and when you feel that tug, you reel her in real hard. Sometimes she flops around a lot, and you gotta keep reeling no matter what. Eventually she stops moving, and that's when you know you got her.

Abed:It's not the basketball, Troy. It's your eyes. The way they light up when you're playing. Like two suns burning in the gymnasium of my heart.

Pierce:My girlfriend is a stripper.

Jeff:Well, that explains the pole in your bedroom.

Abed:This is the part where I should make a joke about how she's going to an STD fair, but I'm not going to finish it.

Jeff:I wish women came with rejection letters. Like, 'Dear Jeff, thank you for your interest, but we've decided to pursue other candidates. Sincerely, every woman ever.'

Troy:Wait, did you say crabs? Like the food?

Abed:No, Troy.

Troy:Oh. Because I was gonna say, I had some crab last week and I got really sick.

Pierce:I've been with way more women than you, Jeff.

Jeff:Yeah, Pierce. You've been with a lot of women. You've been with *a lot* of women. Most of them professionals.

Troy:Why did the crab never share his pearls? Because he was shellfish!

Troy:...I've been waiting all day to say that.

Dean Pelton:What is that sound? It sounds like... a fair?

Dean Pelton:Oh no. Oh no, no, no. The STD awareness fair. I completely forgot.

Dean Pelton:You know what? I bet the STDs are really upset about this. I mean, think about it—they finally get some attention, and it's all negative. Nobody's throwing them a parade.

Dean Pelton:My father used to call it 'the Dean.' He'd say, 'Cover up your Dean,' or 'Stop touching your Dean in public.' I didn't realize until much later what he was talking about.

Dean Pelton:Annie, don't worry. I've been in this situation before. When I was younger, I had a very active modeling career myself. Very active. Sometimes too active, if you know what I mean. I'm talking about the modeling, of course. Though there was also a lot of... other activity. Very flexible. Very... limber.

Jeff:Hey, it's Jeff. Yeah, the guy from last night. Look, I know this is forward, but I was thinking we could grab dinner sometime. Yeah? Great. So I'll pick you up at, uh... your place. The address you gave me. Which I definitely have written down somewhere. Actually, you know what? Just tell me your address again. And also... what was your name again?

Abed:Jeff, your contact list has categories for women. 'Backup,' 'Instagram models,' 'Britta's friends I can date,' and... 'Mom.'

Jeff:That's just organization.

Abed:Your mom is listed under 'Do Not Call.'

Abed:Wait, who's 'mommy' in your phone?

Jeff:That's not my mother.

Abed:I'm not judging. Well, I am, but not about that.

Abed:Jeff, your contact list is organized by how attractive you find each person, with a sub-category for 'might sleep with me.' That's sociopathic.

Jeff:It's efficient!

Abed:It's evil.

Annie:Wait, is that why they call it a banana hammock?

Shirley:A virgin in 2013? Girl, you're like a unicorn!

Annie:I'm not a virgin! I've had sex. Multiple times. With different people.

Annie:Well, okay, there was the incident behind the Costco, but that was consensual.

Annie:And yes, there were witnesses, but they were very supportive.

Annie:The police were just doing their job.

Shirley:I saw Harvey Keitel's penis in The Piano.

Annie:I need to practice my negotiation skills.

Annie:You know what? I'll just commit tax fraud. That'll help.

Pierce:Jeff, it's okay. I went through a dry spell once. Lasted seven years.

Jeff:Seven years?!

Pierce:Well, eight if you count my second marriage.

Background performer:Oh no, I caught gonorrhea!

Background performer:Why would you give me herpes at a carnival?!

Background performer:I won chlamydia! This is the worst prize ever!

Dean:Well, Sabrina enjoys competitive badminton, the smell of copper pennies, and she has a complicated relationship with the concept of Tuesdays.

Jeff:You know, horses are like... they're majestic creatures that force us to confront our own mortality. When you're riding a horse, you're not just moving through space, you're moving through time itself. It's almost spiritual.

Sabrina:Do you even know what horses eat?

Jeff:Of course. Freedom. Horses eat freedom, and that's why they're so beautiful.

Pierce:Well, Jeff, you've really outdone yourself this time. She's way out of your league.

Jeff:Well, I guess I'm taking home an STD fair prize.

Pierce:Tonight's gonna be great. I'm thinking we hit up that new place downtown, maybe grab some drinks, see where the night takes us. If you know what I mean.

Pierce:And don't worry, I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. Every. Single. Detail.

Pierce:I'm thinking of taking a lady friend to a very special place tonight.

Jeff:Pierce, that's great. Where are you taking her?

Pierce:My bedroom.

Jeff:Okay, well that's... that's like going to a restaurant and asking to see the kitchen before you order.

Abed:This is like Rocky IV, except instead of a Russian boxer, it's me versus you, and instead of the Cold War, it's about proving I'm stronger than I look.

Troy:I can't believe I lost! My arm... my beautiful arm... it's ruined! RUINED! I'll never arm wrestle again! This is the darkest day of my life!

Shirley:Oh my stars! Is that a... a man's anatomy?!

Shirley:Well, I've seen some sights in my day, but never did I think I'd be looking at the Captain's quarters!

Annie:Oh my God, is that... is that a real skeleton?

Annie:Wait, why is it so... small?

Annie:Does size matter?

Shirley:Of course it does.

Britta:No, it absolutely doesn't.

Annie:...Okay, that's not helpful.

Dean:Oh my God, is that the scene from Porky's?

Pierce:Doreen speaks French, you know. She's très sophistiqué. I heard her say 'bonjoor' and 'mercy buckets' just yesterday.

Doreen:She's really into wine. Like, REALLY into wine. I mean, this woman treats a Barefoot Pinot Grigio like it's foreplay. So I started calling her my little Fifty Shades of Ghirardelli.

Pierce:Hey, did you guys know that if you microwave a whole egg, it explodes?

Pierce:I need to go take a whiz.

Jeff:You're not wearing go-go boots.

Doreen:No, I'm not.

Jeff:Britta's smart. She reads books, she thinks about things. Sabrina... I asked her what the capital of France was and she said 'French people.'

Jeff:Aging men just want someone to talk to.

Doreen:You're already here.

Jeff:Look, some relationships are shallow. That's fine. Not everything has to be deep and meaningful. Take Sabrina—she thought 'Game of Thrones' was about a chess tournament.

Britta:That's not shallow, that's just stupid.

Jeff:Exactly my point.

Jeff:I prefer a woman who's a little immature. At least then she won't realize I'm a terrible person.

Doreen:You're a terrible person and everyone knows it.

Pierce:So what do you say, Doreen? How about you and me get to know each other a little better?

Doreen:Pierce, we're done. I can't do this anymore.

Doreen:But I do have some business cards for my cousin who does great work. He's a plumber.

Doreen:We can just talk if you want. Keep it platonic.

Doreen:My rate for conversation is still $300 an hour though.

Dean Pelton:597? That's the code for 'Dean needs a hug.' I instituted it myself. Security never got the memo.

Dean Pelton:Did someone just say 'penis'? In my school? We don't use that kind of language here. This is a place of learning and respect. I'm going to have to ask everyone to watch their vocabulary. From now on, we refer to male genitalia as 'the area formerly known as Prince.'

Dean Pelton:And I'm instituting a new policy: anyone caught using anatomically correct terminology will be sentenced to a semester of mime class. Silent. Just like the genitalia itself.

Britta:Okay everyone, let's all say it together to remove the stigma. One, two, three...

Group:Penis!

Jeff:Annie, you didn't say it.

Annie:I... I was going to, but then everyone said it at the same time and I just... couldn't.

Dean Pelton:You know, I've been thinking about what you said in our last session. And I want you to know that I genuinely appreciate the breakthrough we've had together.

Annie:I'm perfectly comfortable with my sexuality. I'm just... not comfortable talking about it, thinking about it, or acknowledging it exists.

Annie:But I'm very comfortable being uncomfortable about it.

Annie:I mean, it's just a wrinkly tube with a brain the size of a chickpea.

Jeff:I'm not a professor.

Sabrina:You're old and you go to Greendale. That makes you a professor.

Sabrina:You're a student here?

Jeff:Yeah.

Sabrina:That's so hot.

Jeff:I'm giving up my car.

Jeff:Finally, I'm free! No more car payments, no more insurance, no more—wait, what have I done?

Dean Pelton:Oh no, the condoms are damaged from the printing process!

Jeff:Wait, you mean we just had a water balloon fight with broken condoms?

Dean Pelton:I'm afraid so. The heat from the printer compromised the structural integrity.

Troy:I can't run for best athlete. I lost a footrace to Abed.

Dean:Abed? How is that possible?

Troy:He took a shortcut through the library. I didn't know we were allowed to do that.

Troy:Because I'm tired of being the guy who cares the most. I'm tired of wanting it more than everyone else. I just wanted to be the best at something, you know? Just once.

Dean Pelton:We need to warn the students immediately about the faulty condoms in the bookstore. This is a serious health matter.

Dean Pelton:I'm going to send out an emergency email saying students should cease all... reproductive relations until we sort this out.

Jeff:I know I've been different lately. More considerate, more willing to help people without expecting anything in return.

Jeff:But I want to be clear: this is not personal growth. This is Greendale's fault.

Pierce:You know, settling down is like a good suit. At first, you think you want something flashy, something that makes a statement. But eventually, you realize what you really need is something that fits well, keeps you warm, and doesn't make people question your judgment at the grocery store.

Jeff:Wow, Pierce. That was actually really mature and thoughtful.

Pierce:Well, I do have my moments.

Jeff:Yeah, like, what, once every six months?

Pierce:You know, I've been thinking. Maybe I should stop objectifying women and start treating them with respect.

Jeff:Wow, Pierce, that's actually really mature.

Pierce:Yeah, well... how much would that cost me?

Pierce:You know, back in my day, I used to pay for all kinds of—

Jeff:Pierce, I will literally pay you money right now to not finish that sentence.

Pierce:Done.

Abed:Attention students: due to a manufacturing defect, all condoms in the campus health center have been recalled. Please do not use them.

Abed:That's right, go ahead. Live a little.