Herstory of Dance

Jeff:This show is so broad, obvious, and sexist. The timing is terrible—

Dean Pelton:You wanted to see me?

Dean Pelton:Sorry to interrupt, but I'm homeschooling!

Dean Pelton:Well, well, well... looks like someone's about to get... TENURE!

Jeff:Dean, please stop.

Dean Pelton:It's not a coincidence, it's a coin-Dean-ce!

Abed:I've been thinking a lot about my character growth, and I realized I need to stop relying on TV references to communicate. I'm going to try to be more genuine and present in my interactions with people.

Abed:Which, of course, is a direct callback to season two when I made that exact same declaration, which itself was a reference to the meta-narrative structure of shows that acknowledge their own tropes, which means I'm still doing it.

Dean Pelton:You can't just throw a dance together! You need a theme, you need coordination, you need—look, imagine a 1920s speakeasy but it's also a enchanted forest, but the trees are made of money, and everyone's dressed as a sexy accountant.

Dean Pelton:Actually, you know what? We should do that. That's brilliant. I'm going to make that happen.

Britta:I want to honor a real feminist icon.

Britta:Sophie B. Hawkins.

Jeff:That's... that's right. Sophie B. Hawkins. Great call.

Troy:Ha! Britta made a mistake! I caught it! Me! I'm not the dumb one!

Troy:This is the best day of my life!

Jeff:Britta, Sophie B. Hawkins is not a person, it's a brand of feminine hygiene products.

Annie:Actually, Sophie B. Hawkins is a singer. She had a hit in 1992 with 'As If We Never Said Goodbye,' and another song called 'I Want You' in 1990. She also released 'Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover.'

Britta:Okay, I'm taking back the word 'Britta.' From now on, when someone says 'Don't Britta this,' I'm going to say 'Actually, Britta means to succeed spectacularly.'

Britta:I'm reclaiming it. It's my word now.

Jeff:Britta, you just knocked over the coffee table.

Britta:See? Britta! As in, I just made this moment more interesting!

Abed:You're literally doing it right now.

Britta:No, I'm... I'm owning it!

Jeff:Come on, Britta. Just admit you were wrong.

Britta:I'm not admitting anything.

Jeff:You know what? Fine. But you have to stop calling yourself a 'Brit-astrophe.'

Britta:I don't call myself that!

Jeff:I know. I do. And I'm very proud of that word.

Britta:I'm not someone you want to mess with. As Tupac said, 'It ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.'

Jeff:That's Rocky. Rocky Balboa said that.

Britta:Same difference.

Annie:I want to set you up on a blind date.

Abed:Annie, I'm aware of the narrative purpose you're assigning to this conversation, and I accept my role in it.

Annie:We're not making this into a competition.

Shirley:Absolutely not.

Annie:May the best woman win.

Shirley:Oh, you're going down.

Britta:I can't believe I'm in this situation. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Every time I try to explain myself, people just think I'm full of... full of... lies.

Pierce:Never admit to a lie, Britta. Once you do, they've got you. You deny, deny, deny until they can't prove it in court or you die, whichever comes first.

Pierce:I once told a woman I was a astronaut. Kept it up for three years. When she finally figured it out, she tried to poison me with a pie. A pie, Britta! If I'd admitted it early, sure, she would've been mad. But instead, I spent my seventies looking over my shoulder, checking every baked good that came into my house. My cardiologist said the stress probably took five years off my life. Worth it.

Pierce:I've been trying to use this computer to send an email, but I can't figure out where to put the stamp.

Jeff:Pierce, email doesn't use stamps.

Pierce:Well then how does the post office know where to send it?

Troy:Chang's like a guy who never gets caught. He does whatever he wants and there's no consequences.

Abed:He's the Colin Farrell of people.

Abed:I can't help you with the dance. See, there's the wacky adventure, the heartwarming adventure, and the adventure where someone learns a valuable lesson. A dance is a romantic comedy setup, which is a completely different genre. I only help with adventures.

Annie:She's perfect for Abed! She's quirky, she's creative, she gets his references...

Abed:She tried to pay for coffee with a song.

Annie:Well, that's adorable!

Abed:She was serious. She got upset when they wouldn't take it.

Kat:Will you go to the dance with me?

Abed:I didn't hear you. Did you say something?

Kat:I asked if you'd go to the dance with me.

Abed:Wait, you spoke into a balloon?

Kat:Bagel!

Shirley:That girl is weird.

Abed:Wait, I have two dates? That's like... that's like having two remotes. One for the TV, one for the cable box. Which one do I use?

Troy:Come on, Abed, help me with Britta's dance routine. It'll be fun!

Abed:I don't know, Troy. Dancing isn't really my thing.

Troy:But that's exactly why you need to help! We're talking hijinks city, population hijinks!

Troy:Abed, I need you to help me get ice.

Abed:Ice? That's just frozen water.

Troy:No, no, no. This ice is going to be wacky. I can feel it. We're going to get this ice and it's going to do something unexpected.

Abed:Troy, it's ice.

Troy:Wacky ice, Abed. Wacky.

Chang:I'm DJ Chang, and I have amnesia, so I don't know how to DJ.

Abed:Okay, I've prepared some icebreakers for tonight. I have a yo-yo, a magic eight-ball, and a small harmonica.

Abed:Oh, and I printed out some fun facts about penguins. Did you know they can swim up to 22 miles per hour?

Jeff:So what's Sophie B. Hawkins doing these days? Probably living in a geodesic dome, making pottery, teaching interpretive dance to wolves?

Jeff:So you posted a Craigslist ad looking for a roommate?

Britta:Yes, but—

Jeff:And the pathetic details you included were 'apartment in sketchy neighborhood,' 'no natural light,' and my personal favorite: 'very little money.'

Britta:I was being honest!

Jeff:Britta, you don't lead with 'very little money.' That's not a feature, that's a warning label.

Troy:Wait, why don't we just ask them for some chips?

Abed:Because they said no.

Troy:Oh. Well, I've already committed to this disguise, so...

Troy:She's in a saw and kazoo band. Duh.

Troy:Abed, wait. Before you go to see Britta, I need to tell you something. You have... a bug in your teeth.

Abed:What?

Troy:Yeah, it's pretty big. And it's building a nest.

Abed:Troy...

Troy:No, I'm serious. I think it's inviting other bugs. They're having a convention. There's a tiny banner that says 'Bug Con 2011.'

Abed:You're making this up.

Troy:Am I? Because one of them just waved at me. He was wearing a name tag. His name was Steve. Steve the bug. He seemed really nice. I think you two would get along.

Troy:Abed, we need to go. Now.

Abed:But I'm in the middle of—

Troy:Your teeth. They're falling out. All of them. We have to get you to a dentist.

Abed:What? My teeth are fine.

Troy:No, they're not. In fact, I think you have gum disease. Advanced gum disease. You need to see a specialist immediately. There's one two blocks from here. You take a left at the mailbox, go past the old pharmacy, and there's a bathroom on the right side of the building. Don't use that bathroom. Use the one on the left. But not the stall by the window. Use the middle stall. The one on the far left has a ghost.

Dean Pelton:His little 'whoop' sound effect, presumably with a gesture

Jessica:Abed, are you reading the Bible?

Abed:Yeah, don't tell me how it ends.

Jessica:It's the Bible, everyone knows how it ends.

Abed:Well, I'm only on Job and I hear that one's a real emotional roller coaster. No spoilers.

Abed:You know what the problem with romantic comedies is? They all follow the same formula.

Jessica:Oh, I know. Boy meets girl, there's a misunderstanding, they break up, then there's some grand gesture at the airport.

Abed:Exactly. And nobody ever just talks about their feelings like normal people.

Jessica:Right? It's always something ridiculous. One time I actually told a guy I was interested in him, and he just... believed me. No elaborate schemes needed.

Abed:That's because real life isn't a sitcom.

Jessica:Clearly. Because if it was, we'd have a laugh track playing right now, and someone would make a witty callback to an earlier episode.

Pierce:This Friday's Sadie Hawkins dance is brought to you by Viagra. Because nothing says 'girl power' like a man who can't get it up without pharmaceutical help.

Pierce:And this Saturday's Spring Fling is brought to you by Depends. Because the only thing worse than dancing with your grandma is dancing with your grandma's bladder control problems.

Jeff:Sophie B. Hawkins is popular at Greendale because she represents hope. Without her, students would lose all sense of purpose and meaning.

Jeff:They'd stop going to class. They'd stop eating. They'd just sit in the dark, waiting for her to return.

Jeff:Eventually, society would collapse. Civilization would crumble. We'd return to a primal state, fighting over scraps and Sophie B. Hawkins merchandise.

Jeff:You see, what we're dealing with here is a cascade of psychological fragility. One small disappointment triggers an existential crisis, which leads to emotional breakdown, which leads to acting out, which leads to restraining orders, which leads to jail time, which leads to prison tattoos, which leads to organized crime, which leads to witness protection, which leads to a new identity in suburban Minnesota where you're forced to coach youth soccer and attend church socials until the day you die alone, unloved, and estranged from your own children.

Pierce:Let me tell you a story, Britta. There was once a man who had everything - wealth, power, respect. He made all the right choices, invested wisely, and became even richer.

Britta:That's... actually good advice, Pierce.

Pierce:Wait, I'm not done. That man was Bernie Madoff.

Britta:Pierce, he ran a Ponzi scheme!

Pierce:Did he though? Or did the government just want us to think that?

Britta:Pierce, I can't believe I britta'd this so badly!

Annie:Wait, we've been trying to one-up each other this whole time, haven't we?

Shirley:Oh my God. We have.

Annie:And it was all pointless.

Shirley:Completely pointless.

Annie:We're idiots.

Shirley:The worst.

Annie:Okay.

Shirley:Okay.

Jessica:I love helping you with your schemes, Abed. It's like we're partners in crime.

Abed:Except without the crime part.

Jessica:Yeah, unlike Pierce and that yogurt machine incident.

Kat:This is like a romantic movie moment.

Abed:We're in a horror movie right now. The romantic subplot doesn't start until act two.

Abed:I calculated a 73% success rate for simultaneous dating. The variables were sound. But I didn't account for them both showing up at the same time. That's a different kind of failure.

Jessica:Whose water wings are these?

Unknown:Oh, those are mine. I like to be prepared.

Jessica:Prepared for what? An aquatic dance routine?

Abed:I was supposed to have a meet-cute with someone today. I had it all planned out—I'd bump into them at the coffee shop, we'd both reach for the last croissant, there'd be witty banter, fade to black, credits roll.

Abed:But then I realized I was narrating it out loud the whole time, so I just... missed the entire trope. I was so busy describing the meet-cute that I never actually met anyone.

Abed:So now I'm missing the classic romantic comedy beat AND the self-awareness about missing it. I broke the meta.

Crowd:Sophie B. Hawkins! Sophie B. Hawkins! Sophie B. Hawkins!

Jeff:I told you she wouldn't show up.

Britta:She's just running late.

Jeff:No, she's not coming. And I'm going to enjoy being right about this for the rest of your life.

Annie:Abed, are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?

Abed:I'm fine.

Annie:You don't seem fine. Come on, you can tell me.

Abed:Seriously, I'm okay.

Annie:Wait, are you actually upset, or are you doing a bit?

Abed:I'm doing a bit.

Annie:Okay, good. Because I was about to hug you and I didn't want it to be weird.

Pierce:Wait, wait, wait! She is here!

Crowd:Oh my god, is that Sophie B. Hawkins?!

Crowd:She actually showed up!

Random Person:Wait, that's not Sophie B. Hawkins.

Crowd:Oh...

Jeff:I'm not saying I did it. I'm not saying I didn't do it. What I am saying is that Sophie B. Hawkins is here, and that's what matters.

Abed:I need to say something. I've been watching you, and I think you're... I mean, I know you're special. You make me feel things I don't usually feel. I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand, and look into your eyes, and... and just be near you.

Abed:But also, I need you to know that after we establish this relationship, I'm going to need approximately 23 hours of alone time per day.

Abed:So we're agreed? We practice the whole dating thing with scenarios first?

Jessica:Definitely. I need to nail the small talk, the laugh timing, the strategic hair flip.

Abed:I'll run the simulation. We can start with coffee shop meet-cute, escalate to dinner, maybe a meet-the-friends episode by week three.

Jessica:This is why I love nerds. You're the only ones who think you need to beta-test romance.

Abed:Well, yeah. Why would you release an unpatched version into the wild?

Dean Pelton:Britta, you succeeded with your dance. I'm impressed. In fact, according to dean law, I have to give you this amulet.

Pierce:I met Sophie B. Hawkins at a women's music festival in '94. I was there because I thought it said 'women's MUSIC festival,' not 'women's music festival,' if you know what I mean. Turns out I was very wrong, but I stayed anyway because the hummus was incredible.

Pierce:I helped Britta because we all need someone to believe in us sometimes. Life's too short to watch people struggle alone when you can actually do something about it.