Intro to Felt Surrogacy

Annie:We need to talk about why nobody's speaking up in meetings. It's like we're all just sitting there in silence, and I don't understand why because communication is so important and—wait, why is Jeff looking at me like that? Does he have something to say? He always has that look when he's about to say something smart and—no, focus Annie. The point is, we need to break this cycle of not talking, and I think if we all just committed to being more vocal and expressive, we could really—is it hot in here? Why is he sitting like that?

Dean Craig:I've created puppets of all of you! Meet puppet Jeff, puppet Britta, puppet Troy, puppet Abed, puppet Shirley, and puppet Annie!

Jeff:Dean, what the hell are you doing?

Dean Craig:I thought we could use them for administrative training exercises!

Jeff:You made puppets of us. Without asking. And you're just... showing them to us now.

Dean Craig Pelton:I made these puppets quickly. Normally I take my time with them.

Dean Craig Pelton:I'm not doing anything suspicious.

Troy:Hey there, little buddy. How are you feeling today?

Troy:What's that? You're worried about something?

Troy:Well, don't trust anyone in this room. They're all out to get you. Even me. Especially me.

Shirley:Pierce had a complete mental breakdown in the wilderness.

Shirley:Jesus ain't no snitch.

Abed:I don't need puppets to express myself.

Abed:My father never paid attention to me anyway.

Annie:So what, we're just going to avoid eye contact forever?

Jeff:I mean, that's kind of what we've been doing.

Annie:Well, it's not going to work because I'm not going anywhere, and frankly, you're not that good at it anyway — the sex thing. You're very... efficient about it. In and out. Emotionally unavailable the whole time.

Dean Craig:Well, if it's dignity you're after, Jeff, just remember: I'm not a real dean, but my nose grows when I lie! Call me Pinocchio Craig!

Britta:This bracelet is about rubber flubbing. It's a serious environmental issue that nobody talks about. Every year, millions of tons of rubber just... flub. Into the ocean. Into the soil. And nobody cares!

Troy:Oh, that's bingo!

Abed:We got another one.

Abed:We made this bingo game to call out all the overused sitcom tropes we keep falling into. You know, the contrived conflicts, the convenient resolutions, the way everything wraps up in 22 minutes.

Abed:It's ironic, really. We're a sitcom making fun of sitcom tropes while being unable to escape being a sitcom ourselves.

Jeff:This bingo game is ridiculous. I'm not participating in some childish game night nonsense.

Troy:Bingo! *marks card* Jeff complains about group activities.

Shirley:Another immediate bingo square marked

Jeff:Okay, here we go. I'm going to say something, and you're all going to react exactly how I expect.

Annie:We always do that!

Troy:Yeah, we're pretty predictable.

Jeff:Exactly. Which is why I made this.

[Cascade of bingo squares being marked in quick succession]

Jeff:We're stuck in a rut.

Troy:Stuck in a rut? I'm stuck in a pit!

Abed:I'm stuck in a well.

Pierce:I'm stuck in a tree.

Shirley:I'm stuck in a love trapezoid.

Annie:I'm stuck in a bingo square.

Dean Craig:We have the leader, the smart one, the attractive one, the quirky one, the cynic, and the lovable idiot.

Dean Craig:And Abed.

Dean Craig:This is Magnitude, one of our most celebrated students. He has a very special talent.

Magnitude:Pop pop!

Dean Craig:You see? Magnificent. The way he says it with such conviction, such passion. Pop pop! It's not just a sound, it's a philosophy. It's a way of life. Some say he invented the word. Others say the word invented him.

Troy:You know what? I'm taking a day off. I'm gonna be like Ferris Bueller.

Troy:I'm gonna take his dad's car out for a spin.

Troy:Wait, whose car am I taking?

Annie:We're always making pop culture references.

Britta:So? That's what makes us funny.

Abed:We're literally a show about making pop culture references while commenting on making pop culture references.

Jeff:That's very meta.

Abed:I know. I referenced the concept of referencing.

Troy:We could go to strip clubs!

Pierce:I'm staying. I like it here.

Annie:Oh my god, a hot air balloon ride! This is going to be amazing!

Pierce:I'm in. But we need to make sure there's a comfortable seat. My back isn't what it used to be.

Annie:Pierce, we're going to be floating thousands of feet in the air!

Pierce:Exactly. Which is why I need to bring my orthopedic pillow and a catheter bag.

Annie:...Maybe we should just go to the movies instead.

Pierce:I'm going to hell.

Balloon Guide:Okay, so... you guys done? Because we still have seventeen more floors to go.

Dean Pelton:Oh my God! Jeff! Are you alright? A balloon accident?! This is the most tragic thing that's ever happened at Greendale! Well, besides the time a student got their hand stuck in a vending machine. And that other time with the fire. And that incident in the cafeteria. But THIS? This is right up there!

Pierce:I'm here to help with the balloon crisis!

Jeff:Pierce, you're not helping. You're just standing there being useless.

Troy:If I die in this balloon, people are gonna judge me for dating a woman in a wheelchair!

Abed:That's not what they'll judge you for.

Troy:What will they judge me for?

Abed:Dying in a balloon.

Pierce:Relax! I know exactly where we are. We're two blocks south of the Diamond Club, three blocks north of Señoritas, and directly above the old Platinum Palace.

Annie:Wait, if we're this high up, doesn't that mean we're in international airspace? I read that in international airspace, anyone can marry anyone!

Jeff:Annie, that's not a real law.

Annie:Well, it should be! It's the perfect loophole!

Shirley:We're descending because I've been praying.

Pierce:Well, I invented gravity, so technically you're praying to me.

Jeff:Aaargh!

Shirley:Oh God!

Troy:You jerk, Custodian Romero!

Annie:Hey, where's Shirley?

Jeff:I don't know, she's been missing all episode.

Annie:This is like when Yvette left the show.

Abed:We're doing a bit about a cast member leaving? That's very meta, even for us.

Pierce:Come on, Jeff, we can do this. I'm gonna channel my inner monkey. Monkeys are strong. I'm gonna be like a monkey.

Pierce:Oo oo oo oo oo! Oo oo oo oo oo!

Dean Craig:I'm so sorry to interrupt, but I just had to tell you something, Jeff. When I look at you, I don't just see a student. I see a kindred spirit. A reflection of my own dreams and aspirations. You have this way of making me feel... understood.

Jeff:Dean, that's... that's very sweet, but—

Dean Craig:No, let me finish. I've never felt this kind of connection with anyone before. It's like we're two souls orbiting the same sun, Jeff. And I just needed you to know that.

Abed:Even survival gets marked on the bingo card

Pierce:When society collapses, the first thing we need is a strong leader to maintain order. Someone decisive. Someone who won't hesitate to make the hard choices.

Pierce:And obviously, that person is me.

Troy:I can't believe we're stranded! We're never going to make it to Vegas!

Troy:Do you know what's playing in Vegas right now? Chippendales! And I'm going to miss it!

Pierce:Blue Man Group? I thought you said you went to see Blue Man, like, a guy who was blue.

Pierce:I was expecting more of a medical documentary.

Pierce:You know, like a case study.

Annie:At least my hair doesn't look like it was styled by a tornado in a flannel factory.

Mountain Man:I know your name because you're wearing a name tag.

Pierce:How did you...? That's incredible!

Mountain Man:It literally says 'Pierce' right here.

Pierce:You must be psychic. I'm going to tell everyone you can read minds.

Jeff:So you're living out here in the woods?

Homeless Graduate:Yeah, I graduated from Greendale and this is where life took me.

Jeff:Wow, that's... actually better than I expected.

Moose:Troy!

Abed:We're in a drug sequence.

Dean Craig:I'm sorry, I can't deal with this right now. I'm in the middle of my therapy session.

Garrett:Dean, there's an actual emergency—

Dean Craig:Garrett, some of us are working on our emotional infrastructure here. This outfit isn't going to curate itself.

Annie:My skin feels like felt. Are we puppets? Is this a puppet episode?

Shirley:I abandoned my children overnight.

Shirley:It was due to paranoid jealousy about the wrong person.

Shirley:You know what? I'm tired of feeling like you all judge me for my beliefs. It's like you think I'm some kind of... Jesus take the wheel... of my own life decisions.

Jeff:That's not a pun, Shirley.

Shirley:Well, it is if you think about it. Jesus, take the wheel? Like, he's taking control? But also it's a song by Carrie Underwood? So it's funny because it's both religious AND contemporary pop culture at the same time.

Annie:Wait, so no one remembers anyone else's secrets? How is that even possible?

Shirley:Well, honey, it's like my grandmother used to say: a drug that makes you forget what other people told you is like a sieve that only lets water through but keeps the dirt.

Annie:That doesn't make any sense.

Shirley:Well, it's selective, sweetheart. It washes away gossip but leaves your own business squeaky clean.

Annie:Wait, you mean nobody's telling anyone?

Jeff:Not a soul.

Britta:We're actually keeping this secret.

Troy:This calls for a celebration!

Everyone:♪ Our secrets are safe, safe, safe! ♪

Everyone:♪ Nobody has to know our shame! ♪

Shirley:I'm the worst mother in the world! I don't deserve to live!

Abed:Okay. So, did you guys see that new Cougar Town?

Jeff:I didn't sign up to be a dad. I'm not equipped for this.

Jeff:And then it hit me — I've become exactly what I hated. The guy who's never around, making excuses, letting someone down.

Jeff:I'm the absent father. Except I'm not even the father.

Britta:I'm a political activist. I care deeply about social justice and changing the system.

Britta:I don't actually vote... except for American Idol. I take that very seriously.

Annie:I may have prostituted myself to a historical figure for test answers.

Troy:I may have started a massive fire.

Troy:I was trying to burn down an ant hill like I used to do when I was a kid.

Pierce:I didn't sleep with her, we just dry humped on the tour bus.

Britta:Do you guys respect me less as an activist?

Jeff:No, no. We respect you the same amount as we always have.

Dean Craig Pelton:As you leave, remember: you're all... streets ahead!

Dean Craig:I do so much for people, and yet I'm so alone.

Jeff:Hey, you want to get a drink?

Dean Craig:Really?

Jeff:Why is the puppet's skin coming off?

Abed:That's not a malfunction. That's the director's vision.

Britta:Shouldn't we stop filming?

Abed:No. Keep rolling. This is art.