Paradigms of Human Memory

Jeff:Is that supposed to be me? Why is my head so big?

Chang:I know that like the back of my Chang.

Troy:Is that a stereotype?

Troy:I just came out of the air vents covered in insulation, like a cow being born, but in reverse.

Abed:It's a saloon. They're in every old west town. We'll find it.

Troy:Man, that ghost town was awesome. Did you guys see that old saloon? They had a sign that said 'No Chinamen.' I was like, 'Wow, racism was really direct back then.'

Troy:Wait, are you saying I have internalized racism? Because that's ridiculous. I love being black. I'm very pro-black. I'm like the blackest guy here.

Abed:Troy, you once asked me if your feet were too big for a certain style of shoe because you didn't want to look like you had 'black feet.'

Troy:That's... that's different. That's just regular racism.

Annie:What? I was just trying to remember the good times!

Britta:I'm trying to focus on the positives.

Jeff:Yeah, well, the positives are that we're alive, and the negatives are literally everything else.

Jeff:We lost Shirley to religion, Britta to psychology, Annie to neuroscience, Troy to the Air Force, and Abed to his parents.

Chang:Yep, that happened!

Jeff:There is no God.

Annie:I think what Abed's going through is actually really positive. He's finally letting himself feel things.

Troy:He's locked in a blanket fort and won't stop screaming.

Abed:I'm scanning for memories... Okay, here's one: Jeff slept with a student from his Spanish class.

Jeff:Abed!

Abed:You said scan for memories. I'm being efficient.

Britta:So we need to talk about... Uncanday.

Duncan:That's Pig Latin.

Britta:No it's not.

Britta:Wait, you actually believed him? About the leprechaun?

Abed:Why wouldn't I? He seemed very confident.

Britta:Because leprechauns aren't real, Abed. They're not real.

Troy:No intimacy between each other or ourselves.

Jeff:So you're saying we can't be intimate with each other, and we also can't be intimate with ourselves?

Jeff:That seems like a lot of rules for a blanket fort.

Pierce:Nutkin.

Britta:You know what? I'm done with TV. I'm going to devote myself entirely to charity work.

Britta:Because unlike television, which is just a parade of beautiful people in jags, charity work actually helps people.

Dean Pelton:I'm very disappointed in all of you who came forward and confessed. You've shown a lack of character.

Dean Pelton:However, those of you who denied everything and stuck to your story? Exemplary. You're free to go.

Pierce:I'm immune now. I'm a god.

Pierce:You can't touch me. I'm made of science and superiority.

Jeff:What? No, I'm not saying eggs are a scam. I'm just saying that the chicken-to-egg ratio seems suspicious. Like, how many eggs does one chicken lay? Has anyone actually verified this?

Unable to determine dialogue structure from provided context. The punchline description 'Ridiculous movie logic applied to real situation' is too vague to accurately attribute lines to specific speakers without the actual joke text.

Pierce:The Cape? More like The Crap. That show's gonna be cancelled faster than you can say 'David Benioff.'

Abed:Actually, I think it's gonna run for at least three seasons and become a cult classic that people ironically love on the internet.

Annie:My defensive reflexes are incredible.

Annie:I can simultaneously greet someone while attacking a threat.

Pierce:Ow! Ow! Ow!

Annie:There's clearly something between us, Jeff. It's like... like we're in a will-they-won't-they sitcom setup.

Jeff:Annie, that's ridiculous.

Annie:Is it? Because every time we're in a scene together, there's this tension. The camera lingers. The music swells. We almost touch but then someone interrupts.

Jeff:That's just how conversations work.

Annie:No, Jeff. This is different. This is network television different. We're one misunderstanding away from a season finale cliffhanger.

Jeff:Or we're just two people who work together.

Annie:Tell that to the studio audience that's been shipping us since the Pilot.

Shirley:There's no chemistry between Jeff and me. It's either we have it or we don't, and we don't.

Dean Pelton:I'm not just the Dean of this school, I'm also a Dean of Comedy. You could say I'm on a real Dean-mand right now!

Dean Pelton:I'm wearing this cat costume to raise awareness for a very serious cause.

Dean Pelton:But I have to say, the pussy is really soft.

Dean Pelton:The music department is baroque.

Dean Pelton:Which is ironic, because they're completely broke. You might say they need... a Tina Turner.

Dean:You know that famous line from Casablanca? 'Here's looking at you, kid?' Well, I've decided to make it my own: 'Here's looking at me, kid.' Because let's be honest, that's what I'm really interested in.

Jeff:Kill me.

Dean Pelton:That's the spirit! A little death humor to lighten the mood.

Jeff:No, I mean it. Please.

Troy:Wait, it's not 'some mores'? Like, some more marshmallows?

Abed:It's 's'mores.' Short for 'some more.'

Troy:Oh my God. I've been saying it wrong my whole life. Why didn't anyone tell me?

Troy:I ain't gonna do it.

Jeff:It's 'I'm not going to do it.' You can't just combine words like that. Like, 'I'd've' isn't a word.

Troy:I'd've done it if you asked.

Jeff:See? That's not even a real contraction!

Pierce:I'm not racist! Some of my best friends are... well, not friends exactly, but I've stood near them.

Shirley:That's the most racist thing you've ever said, and you once said the N-word... twice... in one sentence.

Abed:We're in a TV show. Everything we do is part of a narrative structure.

Britta:So what you're saying is we're trapped in a formulaic box where every mistake gets resolved in 22 minutes and nothing we do actually matters?

Abed:Exactly.

Britta:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Also, weirdly accurate.

Jeff:Look, Abed's right. We're a mess. Britta's a compulsive saboteur, Annie's a control freak, Troy's a man-child, Shirley judges everyone, Pierce is racist, and I'm a narcissist. We're not a study group, we're a support group that doesn't support anything but our own neuroses.

Jeff:We're like a group that fights about fighting about fighting about the things we fight about.

Jeff:All my speeches have something in common.

Jeff:They're completely different, yet exactly the same.

Jeff:We're like a ship sailing through the ocean of life, except the ship is made of friendship, and the ocean is actually just a really big metaphor for... for confusion. We're confused. But we're confused together, like a group of dolphins who've learned to speak English but forgot why.

Jeff:Look, I'm just saying, the government doesn't want you to know that birds aren't real, and Greenland is actually Iceland's evil twin, and that's why they won't let us have nice things.

Troy:We should start a supergroup!

Jeff:Troy, a supergroup is just a bunch of famous people who get together and make mediocre music. So basically, we'd fit right in.

Jeff:It's not you, it's me.

Britta:No, it's definitely you.

Chang:Guys, I just want you to know that I'm here for you. Through thick and thin. We're a family.

Chang:Why is everyone looking at me like that? Did I say something weird? I said something weird, didn't I? I'm always saying weird stuff.

Abed:And so Jeff Winger learned that dismissing the Dean would have consequences he never anticipated. Little did he know, the Dean had connections. Powerful connections. In the world of administrative revenge.

Jeff:I don't believe in anything anymore. Nothing matters.

Dean Pelton:Oh yeah?

Jeff:Actually, everything matters. Please stop.

Jeff:Look, Dean, I'm not mean. I'm just... I have really high standards. For everyone. But mostly for myself.

Dean:That's not true, Jeff. You're mean to people.

Jeff:Okay, fine. You want to know the real reason? I'm jealous. Of your fashion sense. There, I said it. Are you happy?

Pierce:You're jealous of me? That's sweet. Is this a thing? Are we a thing now?

Jeff:I'm not saying I wouldn't... but I'm also not saying I would.