English as a Second Language

Jeff:Remember when I said Avatar was overrated? And you all just... left me hanging on that?

Jeff:I needed support! But no, suddenly everyone's a Cameron apologist.

Pierce:Nerd alert.

Unknown:Spoiler alert.

Pierce:Alert nerd.

Jeff:Look, I don't need to understand Spanish. My neighbors hate me in English just fine.

Annie:Fine. I'll be in Spanish 103 next semester. Without you.

Annie:Spanish 103 meets at 7 AM.

Jeff:7 AM? That's... that's when I'm usually just falling asleep.

Jeff:I'm not a morning person, Annie. I'm a 'sleep until noon and emerge as a fully formed human' person.

Shirley:Go, girl!

Troy:Wait, you just said 'go, girl' to yourself about yourself.

Troy:That's so meta.

Britta:May 23rd, 2013? That's so far away. What is it, some kind of intergalactic meeting?

Jeff:It's my colonoscopy.

Britta:Oh.

Annie:Britta, you can't just dismiss friendship like that. Your parents named you Britta. That's what happens when hippies have children.

Chang:¡Hola, amigos!

Chang:You are all un-believable.

Chang:Pierce, close the door from inside.

Pierce:From inside?

Chang:No, no, from outside. You'll be outside when you close it.

Pierce:Oh.

Chang:Wait, your degree is fake?

Jeff:It's not fake, it's... alternative.

Chang:I have two questions.

Chang:First, what is this? Second, why is this? Third, how dare you?

Jeff:I have one question.

Jeff:What were you thinking? And why would you do that?

Jeff:A key-tar? What is that?

Chang:It's a keyboard that you wear like a guitar. It's awesome.

Jeff:That sounds like the worst thing ever invented.

Chang:Well, maybe if you had any musical talent, you'd understand!

Jeff:Wait, you guys get tips? I've been bagging groceries wrong my whole life.

Chang:Yeah man, five bucks an hour plus tips.

Jeff:Oh my God. How much have I not tipped you?

Chang:I went from bagging groceries to teaching Spanish at a community college. Now I use the Spanish I learned from children's TV shows to teach college students.

Chang:It was just the chair! The chair made that noise!

Jeff:He said, 'I'm going to hurt you,' and then he added this weird thing about a chair.

Chang:The chair knows what it did.

Britta:Wait, Chang died? Again? Oh my God, I can't go through this again. The last time he 'died,' I had to identify the body. Do you know what that does to a person?

Britta:And then he just showed up at school like nothing happened! I had already picked out flowers and written a eulogy!

Dean Pelton:Well, we discovered Chang's credentials were forged when we cross-referenced them with the actual schools. It was really quite simple once we looked into it.

Dean Pelton:The important thing is, we need to be careful about making assumptions based on appearance. I mean, you can't just profile someone because they... well, because they look a certain way.

Dean Pelton:Although, in this case, we probably should have seen it coming from a mile away. We really dropped the ball on that one.

Pierce:This is just like when I negotiated that trade agreement with the Guatemalan Minister of Commerce.

Pierce:Except he was actually listening to me.

Pierce:I'll have a venti caramel macchiato.

Jeff:Dios mío!

Troy:Dr. Escodera should focus on being a doctor. You can't be good at two things.

Troy:That's a 2004 Honda Civic. I can tell by the pitch.

Jeff:How is that even possible?

Troy:I have a gift.

Jeff:Chang! What are you doing to my car?

Chang:Relax, I'm wearing a seatbelt.

Chang:Wait, wait, wait! You don't understand. Jeff and I are working on a musical collaboration.

Jeff:We are not—

Chang:It's called 'Kick Me in the Face: A Love Story.' I write, he interprets through interpretive violence.

Chang:My teaching methods are unconventional, but they work. I connect with students on a deeper level.

Jeff:Chang, what is that sound? That creaking noise that happens every time you sit down?

Chang:I have a medical condition. My spine makes sounds when I move. It's called spinal stenosis.

Jeff:So all those mysterious chair sounds in class...

Chang:That's just me, Jeff. That's just me.

Troy:Plumber? A plumber. Me? A plumber. Could I be... a plumber?

Pierce:What? What was that 'hmm'? That sounded suspicious.

Pierce:You know, the ability to curl your tongue is a dominant genetic trait. Watch this.

Pierce:See? I can curl mine. That means I'm genetically superior.

Jeff:You betrayed Chang because deep down, you knew that no matter what you did, you'd never be as physically developed as the other girls in your class. So you figured, why not just burn it all down?

Jeff:You're like a golden retriever in a cardigan.

Annie:I know.

Troy:Wait, I have an idea. What if Annie were a guy? Then we could all hit her.

Shirley:You know what? I am so angry right now, I just want to punch you in the face! But I can't, because I'm a Christian woman and society says that's not ladylike. So instead I'm going to stand here and simmer, and you're going to have to live with the knowledge that you made Shirley Bennett want to commit violence!

Abed:She's going to cry now. Not because she's sad, but because she knows it'll make us feel bad and stop criticizing her. She'll do the lip quiver first, then the eyes will get watery. She might even do a little shoulder shake for emphasis.

Jeff:Close your eyes. Everyone, close your eyes now.

Jeff:Annie's emotional manipulation is like the Ark of the Covenant. If you look directly at it, you die.

Jeff:Okay, here's what we do. Whenever Annie tries to manipulate us emotionally, just imagine her as an unattractive middle-aged actor.

Jeff:You know what? I'm going to give you a passionate analysis of a movie I haven't seen.

Jeff:Inception. It's about a guy who goes into people's dreams. It's brilliant because... it's confusing. And confusion is just another word for smart.

Britta:Yeah, well, I tried that. I met a guy in rehab who said we'd stay in touch. He was in for eating disorders and narcissism, which is a weird combination. Anyway, he's dead now.

Dean Pelton:As part of our new soothing nature sounds policy, we'll be playing calming forest ambiances throughout the campus.

Dean Pelton:However, I've discovered that violent animal death sounds are actually much more effective for stress relief.

Jeff:We need to wake up Pierce.

Jeff:Has anyone considered the legal liability if we do this wrong?

Jeff:Troy, listen to me. When you're in love, you have to be willing to make sacrifices. You have to say things like, 'I hope you disappear so I can be alone with my thoughts and my premium cable subscriptions.'

Troy:That doesn't sound right.

Jeff:It's not. I'm paraphrasing Ryan Gosling.

Abed:That speech is from a movie.

Troy:Well, that movie sounds awful and nobody should watch it.

Annie:Guys, we don't need to take this exam. We can just walk out right now.

Annie:I know I'm not the most popular person in this class, but I'm asking you to trust me.

Annie:We can do this together. We're a team!

Student:Who are you?

Shirley:Well, that's because the Lord works in mysterious ways, and sometimes He uses the stars to send us messages about our suffering.

Chang:I was giving her music education! I was teaching her about sampling!

Annie:Ahhhhhhh!

Chang:See? She's learning!

Jeff:You don't need to change to mature.

Annie:Really?

Jeff:Yeah, that outfit makes you look like a flight attendant who got fired for being too slutty.

Annie:So what do you think? Do I look mature?

Jeff:You look like a woman who just discovered her dad's credit card.

Troy:I got half the Spanish exam, which actually helped me with the other half. It's like watching Lost - you don't understand what's happening, but you're invested enough to keep going.

Jeff:So Professor Escodera, I wanted to thank you for making the midterm so... manageable.

Dr. Escodera:Well Jeff, you studied very hard. I could tell by the way you... applied yourself.

Jeff:I appreciate that. I mean, some of those questions were almost suspiciously easy.

Dr. Escodera:Perhaps I simply wanted to reward your... dedication to the material. And to me.

Jeff:Right. Well, thanks again for the extra credit opportunity last night.

Dr. Escodera:Anytime, Jeff. My door is always open. As it was last evening.