History 101

Annie:Wait, something's different about my bulletin board.

Annie:I had exactly 847 thumbtacks on here before summer break, and now there are 846.

Jeff:You know what's great about hipsters? They're so committed to being different that they all look exactly the same. It's like they got together and said, 'Let's all shop at the same thrift stores, wear the same vintage glasses, and drink the same overpriced coffee.' You've perfectly captured that contradiction — you're individualistic conformity in human form.

Britta:You're always three years behind on everything, Jeff. You just discovered skinny jeans.

Jeff:Oh, that's rich coming from you. You're so behind on trends, you think 'on fleek' is a medical condition.

Britta:That doesn't even make sense.

Jeff:Exactly. Neither does your fashion sense, and yet here we are.

Abed:I'm visualizing myself on a TV show, but people keep leaving bad reviews online. 'This character has no depth.' 'The writing is inconsistent.' 'Why does he keep referencing pop culture?'

Abed:I'm trying to meditate but I keep refreshing the comments section.

Jeff:Annie, you're looking lovely today. You know who you remind me of? Annie Lennox. Yeah, that's right, I went there.

Abed:I'm going to my happy place.

Abed:It's a TV show. Starring me.

Abed:It's literally inside his imagination

Troy:I'm going to graduate, get into a good college, maybe study engineering or business, travel Europe for a summer, and learn to make the perfect omelette.

Troy:Our wishes come true!

Abed:They captured Osama bin Laden.

Troy:And Subway has a new sandwich!

Abed:Also, your credit score went down.

Pierce:So you're saying whoever gets here first gets the class?

Annie:Well, it's not like we're... I mean, we're not not... it's just that Jeff and I have this thing where we don't have a thing, but not because we don't want to have a thing, but because having a thing would complicate the thing we already have, which is a non-thing that's better than a thing would be, except when it's not.

Leonard:This is my seat. I sit here every class. You can't just take someone's seat.

Leonard:I've marked it. With my blood.

Jeff:Okay, Dean, I have to say, seeing you in normal clothes is somehow more disturbing than any of your costumes.

Dean Pelton:What? Why?

Jeff:Because now I know this is a choice.

Dean Pelton:Our registration system has been hacked.

Dean Pelton:We're investigating the breach as we speak.

Dean Pelton:It turns out the 'hacking' was just someone counterfeiting registration forms in a supply closet.

Dean Pelton:Welcome to the Hunger Games... I mean, the Hunger Deans!

Dean Pelton:We've implemented several security measures for the red balls. Holograms, serial numbers, and as a final anti-counterfeiting measure... my personal teeth marks.

Jeff:Yeah, well, I'm 14 years old, so graduating early would be a medical miracle.

Troy:Okay, so if you're fine, that means you take the first letter of the word, multiply it by the number of letters in the word, and then—

Abed:Troy, no.

Troy:—subtract the vowels, and that's your code!

Jeff:You know, leaving Greendale is like... it's like finishing the last scoop of ice cream. You think it's going to last forever, but then one day you look down and the cone is empty. And you realize that every lick, every single moment of that ice cream, was precious.

Jeff:So I'm not saying goodbye. I'm just... finishing my cone.

Jeff:You know, life is like a journey. We're all just passengers on a ship, sailing through an ocean of uncertainty, hoping to find our way to shore.

Jeff:And sometimes, we need to lean on each other, to be there for one another, because that's what truly matters in this world.

Jeff:Actually, I prepared this speech three weeks ago. I've been waiting for the right moment to use it.

Dean:No, no, no. I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. See, he was in Inception, which was about dreams. Amelia Earhart disappeared, which is like a dream because it's something that never really happened. So I'm Leonardo DiCaprio dressed as a dream of Amelia Earhart.

Dean Pelton:I'm dressed as Amelia Earhart. She disappeared over the Pacific Ocean in 1937, and to this day, no one knows what happened to her.

Shirley:That's so sad.

Dean Pelton:Our most critical data is stored in Microsoft Paint.

Dean:Well, you see, there's a chain of business failures. First, the manufacturer went out of business, then the distributor, then the retailer where you bought it. So technically, nobody's around to honor the warranty.

Dean Pelton:Indeed. In-deed. Like, a deed. Inside me. I'm going to be here for three years.

Annie:We have to repeat three years. Three years. We have to repeat three years. Three years we have to repeat. Repeat three years we have to. Years three repeat we have to. Have to repeat years three we. Three years repeat to have we...

Jeff:Wait, you're doing this just for ice cream?

Competitor:Yeah, they said winner gets a gift card to Marble Slab.

Jeff:I'm losing to a pre-med student whose only motivation is frozen dairy.

Britta:If we restart, I'm changing majors. I'm thinking about going into... I don't know, something that doesn't require me to think about my future.

Jeff:Like what?

Britta:I don't know. Hospitality? Event planning?

Dean Pelton:We actually have a new major for that. It's called 'Wife Studies.'

Britta:That's... that's not a real major.

Dean Pelton:It is now. And it comes with a sexist waiver policy.

Troy:I'm in the Dean's office right now. Just sitting here. He doesn't know why I'm here. He keeps asking me questions, but I don't answer them. I just stare. It's the perfect prank because there's nothing he can actually complain about.

Dean Pelton:Troy, why are you in my office?

Troy:No answer. Just the stare. The beauty of it is the ambiguity. He's going to spend all day wondering what I'm up to, and I'm not up to anything. That's the prank.

Britta:We should actually do something for the prank.

Troy:Oh, I have a prank on a prank. I'm going to convince Jeff that Abed convinced me to prank him, but really I'm pranking Abed by making him think his prank worked when actually I'm going to swap out all his DVDs with bootleg copies, so when he tries to watch them, they skip at a crucial emotional moment, making him think they're damaged, so he'll buy new ones, but I've already bought the new ones and hidden them in his room so he'll find them and think he's crazy.

Britta:Wait, you did all that just to make me think Troy was dead?

Troy:It was a prank!

Britta:That's insane! You could've just jumped out and yelled 'Boo!'

Troy:Wait, wait, wait. A car full of popcorn? That's insane.

Britta:Come on, it'll be fun!

Troy:No, it's... it's a mess, it's a fire hazard, it's—

Troy:Actually, hold on. A car full of popcorn? That's amazing. Let's do it right now.

Troy:Dean Pelton, you sly dog. I had no idea you were into this kind of thing. These are some serious heels. And they fit you perfectly? That's impressive. Most men couldn't pull off this look, but you're really working it. I respect the confidence.

Jeff:Oh, this? Yeah, I may have gotten a little competitive in dodgeball.

Britta:I wish for world peace.

Troy:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just wish for world peace! That's like wishing for more wishes. It's the first rule of wishing!

Britta:I wish all wars would end.

Troy:Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just wish for all wars to end without thinking through the consequences. What about all the soldiers who are gonna suddenly be out of work? What about the weapons manufacturers? You're gonna crash the global economy!

Britta:It's just a wish, Troy.

Troy:A wish with no safety protocols is how you end up with a monkey's paw situation, Britta.

Troy:If all wars were fought like this, it would eliminate... escalation.

Troy:You'd go from epic to parody to reality TV in like twenty minutes.

Britta:You can't just wish for more wishes, Troy! That's not how it works!

Troy:Why not? Who decided that?

Britta:Everyone! It's a rule. There are rules to wishing.

Troy:Says who?

Britta:Says... the universe! You can't just go around wishing for more wishes like some kind of wish anarchist!

Britta:I wish I'd never said that!

Troy:Too late. You've been Britta'd.

Britta:That's not even a real thing!

Troy:Now you're getting Britta'd squared.

Britta:Stop it!

Troy:Oh, you want to un-Britta yourself? That'll cost you a Britta-reversal fee, plus interest. We're talking Britta'd to the power of Britta.

Britta:This is ridiculous!

Troy:Ridiculous? That's a Britta-and-a-half right there. You're looking at a full Britta-ectomy at this point.

Troy:You know what, Britta? I'm done pretending I don't care about anything!

Troy:You actually hurt my feelings, and that's... that's not cool.

Shirley:Oh yes, I'm so excited about hospital administration. I can already picture myself: middle-aged, divorced, having an affair with a radiologist named Dennis who smells like old coffee and broken dreams. We'll meet in the supply closet every Thursday at 2 PM, and he'll tell me I'm 'different' from his wife. By 2025, I'll be wearing exclusively beige and won't remember what joy feels like.

Shirley:I can see it now. In five years, I'll have expanded my sandwich business into a full restaurant empire. I'll be on the cover of Black Enterprise magazine. My children will be at Ivy League schools. I'll have a summer home in Martha's Vineyard and winter home in Boca Raton.

Troy:That sounds great, Shirley. Hey, what do you think about—

Shirley:And I'll finally get that kitchen with the double ovens, the marble countertops, the Sub-Zero refrigerator that I've always dreamed of. My husband will have learned to appreciate my culinary genius. Our love will be stronger than ever, forged in the fires of entrepreneurial success and—

Troy:Oh no. Oh no no no. I opened the Shirley vision box. I can't close it. Why did I ask?

Troy:We're seniors! We're basically already gone. Nothing matters anymore!

Troy:Woop woop! Existential dread!

Dean:I need you to come into my office and help me with something long and hard.

Jeff:Okay, what is it?

Dean:It's a wooden beam I'm trying to—

Jeff:I'm gonna stop you right there.

Jeff:I'm going with her. She's clearly the best dancer here.

Judge:I'm judging this competition.

Jeff:I know.

Troy:You know what? I think we should throw a coin in the wish-making fountain and thank it for helping us win.

Jeff:Troy, that doesn't make any sense. I manipulated the Dean through strategy and charm.

Troy:Jeff, the fountain has never let us down. Every wish we've thrown in there has come true.

Jeff:That's not how fountains work.

Troy:Tell that to my wish for a mint condition copy of Lee Majors' autobiography. I got it three days later.

Pierce:That's what my wife said.

Abed:I can't take this anymore. I'm retreating into a fantasy sitcom world.

Abed:Actually, you know what? Make it even more infantile. We're all literal babies now.

Abed:Goo goo ga ga.

Pierce:That's what she said. I still got it.

Britta:Wait, the therapist told you to go to your happy place?

Abed:Yeah, why?

Britta:Abed, your happy place is a TV show.

Jeff:I'm not competing. I'm just here to support you guys.

Britta:Jeff, you've said that exact thing five times while actively sabotaging everyone.

Jeff:That's called multitasking, Britta.

Britta:No, that's called being a terrible person who learned the word 'growth' and thinks it makes you one.

Jeff:You know what I've learned? Friendship is like a river. It's always changing, always flowing, but it's still the same river. Or it's a completely different river and we're all just going crazy.

Jeff:Abed, I need you to listen to me. You're my friend, and I care about you more than I care about myself. You've always been there for me, and I'm going to be there for you now.

Abed:Jeff, that was a really beautiful speech.

Jeff:Thanks. I meant every word.

Abed:No, I mean, that was beautiful for the audience. You didn't actually say anything to me. You just gave a speech directly to the camera.

Chang:We need to go deeper.

Chang:That's what she said.

Jeff:Dean, you smell like a cocktail.

Dean:That's my cologne. It's called Abstinence.

Jeff:Well, it's not working.

Dean Pelton:I bought a little condo just a teensy bit down the street from you. I'm just a hop, skip, and a jump away! We're practically neighbors!

Britta:How am I supposed to run in these heels?

Security Guard:Hold it right there! You two are in clear violation of dress code policy.

Student 1:We can explain—

Security Guard:No, no, no. I'm not here to lecture you. I just want to say... that dress is absolutely fabulous on you. And those heels? *Chef's kiss.* Where did you get them?

Security Guard:You know, I've seen a lot of things in my time as a security guard. But these outfits... they really know what they're doing.

Security Guard:Not that I would know anything about that. But if I did... let's just say I'd have some notes.