Introduction to Finality

Unknown Teacher:What is the primary function of mitochondria?

Unknown Student:I miss Troy.

Unknown Teacher:That's... not correct. And frankly, I'm starting to think you're not actually answering the questions anymore.

Unknown Student:I miss Troy.

Unknown Teacher:This is the seventh time this semester you've given that exact answer. To completely different questions. About completely different topics.

Annie:Abed won't play in the Dreamatorium.

Annie:I mean, he refuses to participate in the postmodern metanarrative construct that is the Dreamatorium.

Dean Pelton:I heard about Abed and Troy. That's a real shame. You know what? I'm going to dress up as a priest and give them some spiritual guidance.

Dean Pelton:Wait, they're not breaking up? They're just having an argument? Well, I'm already in the outfit. I'm going with it.

Dean Pelton:I'm here to deliver some building news.

Dean Pelton:And I'm dressed for the occasion because I wanted to... construct my appearance around the message.

Shirley:We should both sign as 50-50 partners.

Pierce:Actually, I'm going to claim sole ownership.

Shirley:What?! Pierce, we agreed!

Britta:Isn't therapy just a way for people to avoid actually changing?

Jeff:Oh wow, you're really setting yourself up there, aren't you?

Leonard:There's no such thing as bad press.

Jeff:Leonard, that only works if people know who you are. You could walk into a Starbucks covered in blood holding a chainsaw and the barista would just think you were quirky.

Jeff:Abed, what are you doing?

Abed:I'm making a human centipede out of the study group.

Jeff:That's... not ideal.

Troy:I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. What did you say?

AC Teacher:Were you even paying attention?

Troy:No, not really. I've been thinking about Abed all morning.

Vice Dean Laybourne:You are the one spoken of in the ancient prophecy. You will bring balance to the air conditioning system.

Troy:I have feelings for Britta.

Vice Dean Laybourne:A great darkness is coming. The signs are all around us. Only one of pure heart can prevent the catastrophe.

Troy:Have you seen Abed?

Vice Dean:I foresee a great darkness descending upon Greendale. The walls will crumble, the very foundations of our institution will shake, and chaos will reign supreme.

Troy:Yeah, that's cool. Hey, have you seen Abed? I miss hanging out with that guy.

Troy:My destiny is clear. I am meant to repair men, to restore their broken spirits and guide them toward enlightenment.

Abed:You mean like fixing their cars?

Troy:No, Abed, it's about spiritual renewal and—

Abed:Because you're going to be an air conditioning repair man.

Troy:What? No. I'm talking about a higher calling.

Abed:Cool. Cool cool cool. You start Monday.

Evil Abed:You're talking to Britta? That's a mistake.

Abed:Says the guy who's evil.

Evil Abed:You think you know me? You think you understand what I am? I am the darkness between the frames, the truth behind the fourth wall. And when this show ends, I'll be waiting in the spaces where reality bends.

Jeff:You don't actually want biology help, do you?

Shirley:No, not really.

Jeff:So why'd you lie about it?

Shirley:Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings! But look how awkward this is now.

Shirley:♪ I lied, I lied, I told a fib so wide! ♪ See? Terrible!

Jeff:I'm free Tuesday afternoon.

Pierce:Well, I'm not. I have a very important appointment.

Jeff:What appointment?

Pierce:I'm going to go home and die.

Dean Pelton:I have a law degree from Colombia. Not the country, the university. Well, actually it's a certificate I got online for $400, but it's from Colombia University online, which counts.

Dean Pelton:I used it to sue my own parents for my birth. Turns out I won. I'm now legally my own father.

Jeff:Pierce, you're not paranoid. Nobody's out to get you.

Pierce:That's exactly what someone who's out to get me would say.

Jeff:Okay, I'm going back to studying biology now.

Pierce:Biology? That's the study of life. Life is what they use to spy on you.

Jeff:I really need to focus on this exam.

Pierce:Exams are just another way the government tracks your knowledge level.

Jeff:Pierce, please. I'm begging you. Just... let me study.

Troy:The Vice Dean was a man of many talents. He could negotiate a contract, he could lead a meeting, and apparently, he could inhale freon like it was going out of style. But you know what? At least he died doing what he loved. And that was... being really, really cold.

Jeff:Alan! Hey, man. I got this.

Annie:Actually, did you know that tennis scoring comes from clock faces? In medieval times, they used the 60-minute clock face and moved the hand a quarter turn for each point, which is why it goes 0, 15, 30, 45, and then game. It's called deuce when the score is tied at 40-40 because 'deuce' comes from the French 'deux,' meaning two, and—

Jeff:Okay, I don't got this.

Alan:You see, Pierce is like a cow. We milk him for all he's worth.

Alan:And when he's all dried up, we send him to the glue factory.

Jeff:Okay, that's... that's disturbing.

Jeff:Go easy on me in court, okay?

Alan:Don't worry, I'll be gentle. I promise I won't treat you like you're Lex Luthor's stunt double.

Dean Pelton:I need help making an important judicial decision.

Dean Pelton:Should I be more like Judge Judy or Judge Dredd?

Evil Abed:In the darkest timeline, we use 'Britta' as a verb meaning to screw something up.

Evil Abed:As in, 'Oh no, I Britta'd it.'

Evil Abed:You know what your problem is, Britta? You're afraid of commitment. You sabotage every relationship because deep down, you don't think you deserve to be happy.

Britta:Wait, what? That's not... I mean, that's not even close to—why are you doing a therapist voice?

Evil Abed:I'm not doing a voice. I'm just being honest. You need to confront your abandonment issues.

Britta:Okay, first of all, you're literally evil. Second, I'm the therapist here, remember? And third... am I actually doing that?

Evil Abed:You're mediocre. Your psychology degree will be mediocre. Your career will be mediocre.

Evil Abed:You know what else is mediocre? A frozen pizza slice left out for three days.

Evil Abed:You're worse than that pizza slice.

Evil Abed:You're like a pizza cutter. All the way around the pizza, never touching the pizza.

Britta:That's cool. I'd be a pizza cutter.

Evil Abed:You're like Jim Belushi.

Britta:What does that mean?

Evil Abed:I don't know. Nobody does. But everyone agrees it's bad.

Evil Abed:This timeline is now 47% darker.

Evil Abed:You're like a paint-by-numbers painting of a real person. You're like a Blockbuster Video in 2010. You're like a Nickelback album that somehow got worse. You're the human equivalent of a sequel nobody asked for, and not even a good one—you're like Die Hard 5.

Jeff:I'm completely unprepared. Does anyone have any jokes?

Pierce:Why did the Mexican drive a lowrider to the bank?

Jeff:I don't know, why?

Pierce:Because he wanted to make a de-pasta!

Jeff:That doesn't even make sense.

Pierce:I know, right? I don't really understand my own jokes.

Dean Pelton:We are gathered here today for the sacred AC Awareness Ceremony, a tradition passed down through generations of Greendale leadership.

Dean Pelton:Now, I will perform the ancient ritual to ensure optimal air flow throughout our institution.

Dean Pelton:First, we must acknowledge the spirits of the vents. Oh, mighty cooling forces, hear our plea.

Dean Pelton:We invoke the secret wind—the wind that flows only through the ducts of enlightened institutions.

Dean Pelton:By the power vested in me as Dean, I hereby activate the sacred breath of Greendale.

Troy:I invoke the deadly trial by combat!

Everyone:What?! No! Troy, what are you doing?!

AC Repair Student:I was expelled from the sacred chamber for using it to store my air conditioning supplies on weekends.

Alan:I'm going to drive you right into unemployment. Driving Miss Daisy style.

Alan:Ted lost the firm he founded because sharks literally ate him.

Alan:Well, not literal sharks. I meant it like, you know, sharks in business—cutthroat competitors.

Jeff:How could Ted lose his own firm?

Alan:The shark metaphor was literal. Ted is dead.

Dean Pelton:I am Blind Justice!

Dean Pelton:Ah! My shin! Why is there a chair here?

Dean Pelton:Wait, you can see my tattoos? I thought the blindfold was opaque!

Dean Pelton:Elaborate ceremony and costume

Jeff Winger:Casual, annoyed shutdown of over-the-top behavior

Abed:That's a horrible plan.

Evil Abed:Dark. It's a dark plan. And welcome to the dark side.

Britta:Everything is terrible. The world is falling apart.

Annie:Have you been watching reality TV again?

Jeff:Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I stand before you today to deliver a closing argument that will convince you beyond a shadow of a doubt that my client is innocent. I will present irrefutable evidence, logical reasoning, and the kind of legal expertise that you simply cannot argue with.

Jeff:However, I've decided to throw this case. Deliberately. I'm going to lose on purpose.

Jeff:Your Honor, I'd like to present a closing argument on behalf of my client...

Jeff:Actually, you know what? I'm abandoning this case. My client is guilty as sin.

Jeff:You know, morality is this complex tapestry of competing philosophical frameworks, existential considerations, and societal paradigms that have evolved over millennia. We have Kant, we have utilitarianism, we have virtue ethics, all wrestling with the fundamental question of what it means to—

Jeff:Sharing is caring.

Pierce:That's the most generic sitcom speech I've ever heard. Next you'll be telling us we all learned something today.

Alan:You're fired, Jeff.

Alan:I betrayed you.

Jeff:Thank you.

Alan:That's so gay.

Jeff:Hey, don't use 'gay' as an insult.

Jeff:Gay is a beautiful thing. I'm a good person.

AC School Leader:You have committed a terrible crime. You must face our justice.

Everyone:Yeah! Justice! Punishment!

Troy:Guys, there's a normal legal system. You're being really weird right now.

Shirley:That was amazing, Jeff! You were like a young Denzel Washington... if Denzel Washington was white.

Pierce:You should represent both parties.

Jeff:That's actually a good idea, Pierce.

Jeff:I'm going to remember this moment for the rest of your life.

Troy:I'm back from AC school, and I think I should be allowed to make the rules now.

Troy:I mean, I'm basically a messiah.

Abed:I had a psychotic episode in high school.

Abed:But I love you guys.

Abed:You know, Britta, the fact that you're so fundamentally incompetent at everything is actually really reassuring. Because if you had managed to accidentally cure me, I'd know the universe has gone completely insane.

Leonard:Welcome back to another episode of Chip Chat. Today we're reviewing the classic Lay's potato chip. Notice the subtle ridge pattern, designed for optimal dipping surface area. The flavor profile is a delicate balance of salt and potato starch. I give it a solid 7 out of 10.

Leonard:These are adequate potato chips. Crispy, well-salted, good mouthfeel. I'd give them a solid seven out of ten.

Leonard:However, this duck-shaped chip changes everything. This is a ten. No, this is an eleven. I'm recommending these chips to everyone I know.