Anthropology 101

Dean Pelton:This 'Fresh Start' dance is all about new beginnings, leaving your past behind, embracing the future!

Dean Pelton:So let's all hit that dance floor and forget about last semester's... incident with the mascot suit and the cafeteria pudding.

Troy:Our friendship is like Batman and Shaft had a baby.

Abed:That's not... okay, biologically impossible, but if it were possible, that baby would be amazing.

Abed:Shaft is a private dick who don't take orders from anybody. Batman is a billionaire with unresolved daddy issues who beats up the mentally ill.

Troy:So they're nothing alike.

Abed:I didn't say that.

Troy:I've been documenting Pierce's comments. The Twitter handle 'Oldwhitemansays' perfectly captures Pierce's identity.

Annie:Troy, that's perfect!

Jeff:So Pierce, what did you do this summer?

Pierce:Jeff, we live together.

Jeff:Right. Yeah. I knew that.

Abed:So anyway, did anyone catch that new procedural on NBC?

Annie:Um, yeah, totally. Very... procedural.

Troy:I like the part where they... procedured.

Britta:Hey guys, what's going on?

Abed:Nothing! Just talking about nothing. Regular nothing.

Annie:Super normal conversation about things that definitely happened.

Troy:Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool.

Britta:Why are you all acting so weird?

Abed:Weird? Us? We're being very normal and natural.

Annie:The most natural we've ever been.

Troy:Nothing to see here. I'm just sweating because of the heating in this room.

Jeff:I don't mean to be a tool.

Britta:The word 'unintentional' really does a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence, doesn't it?

Random Student:Hey Britta, you're cool!

Britta:What? Why would you say that?

Fan:You have such a fearless heart. You always speak your mind.

Britta:Well, actually, my heart's been exaggerating. I'm pretty scared most of the time.

Annie:According to this make-out meter, I'm doing great!

Annie:Wait... this is National Review.

Jeff:So what do we call him now? He's a student.

Britta:I guess just... Chang?

Jeff:No, that's his name. I mean, what's his title? Is he a freshman?

Chang:I prefer 'academic innovator.'

Troy:You've been here three weeks and you're taking Spanish 101.

Chang:I chose anthropology because it's the study of human cultures and societies. Plus, it has my name in it.

Abed:Star-burns isn't really a person. He's a series of choices made by someone who watched too many movies about rebels without causes. The hat, the cigarette, the attitude—they're all borrowed from 1950s cinema. He's a walking collage of James Dean, Marlon Brando, and every greaser who ever existed in fiction. The real tragedy isn't that he found a new hat. It's that he'll never realize he's not actually looking for an identity—he's just looking for the next costume to put on.

Abed:You know what would really improve our dynamic? If we did more concept episodes. Like, we could do a documentary episode, or a claymation episode, or a paintball episode.

Abed:I'm just saying, the show would be better if we leaned into the format more. We have unlimited potential when we acknowledge what we are.

Professor Bauer:What is it that makes us uniquely human?

Pierce:The ability to lie about how much we drink.

Troy:Why do Jewish people wear yarmulkes?

Pierce:So they don't go to hell.

Troy:Oh, okay.

Annie:Pierce, that's offensive and inappropriate.

Annie:But I have to say, I absolutely love the Twitter account that posts all your offensive comments. It's hilarious.

Chang:I'm Chang-ing things around here. Get it? Chang-ing? Changed? Because my name is Chang?

Jeff:We got it.

Cafeteria worker:Your food's leaving you.

Jeff:What?

Cafeteria worker:Your food's walking out. Just like you did to Britta at the dance.

Britta:Well, I'm not going to stand here and let you patronize me with your smug lawyer speak.

Jeff:I wasn't patronizing you.

Britta:Oh really? Because five minutes ago you said, and I quote, 'That's not how the world works, Britta. You're being naive.'

Jeff:I was just trying to help.

Britta:Well here's me helping you: That's not how the world works, Jeff. You're being naive.

Annie:You deserve someone specific.

Jeff:No, Annie. All women deserve me. And I deserve all of them.

Professor Bauer:No? Okay, more for me.

Jeff:Britta, I know I haven't always been the best guy, but watching you these past months, I realized something. You make me want to be better. You make me want to be the man I pretended to be when we first met. I'm in love with you. Will you be my girlfriend?

Britta:Jeff, this is... you're doing this right now? In front of everyone?

Jeff:I wanted everyone to know how I feel.

Britta:That's not romantic, that's hostage-taking. You know I can't say no in front of all these people without looking insane.

Abed:You know what? I'm done with all this romantic drama. We need a spinoff. Something fresh. Maybe a buddy cop show where Troy and I solve crimes at a community college. We could call it 'Detective Studies.'

Shirley:Wait, so you want us to do a spinoff of a show about a show?

Abed:It's very meta.

Shirley:Abed, we're already on a show. How much more meta can you get?

Shirley:The cross is the most important tool a nun can have.

Jeff:Shirley, that's an ax.

Shirley:What? No, it's a cross!

Pierce:The most important survival tool is... my penis. And I should warn you, it's gonna get weird.

Shirley:I'm just so relieved you two are finally engaged. I was getting worried about you.

Shirley:Although, I have to say, the library? Really? Do you know how many people use those study rooms?

Abed:I hired an actual Irish folk singer for the fake engagement.

Irish Singer:*plays traditional Irish music*

Abed:I know this isn't real, but I have to say, the production value on this is incredible.

Jeff:Look, Annie, I'm not a good person. None of us are. We're all just animals trying to pass on our genes before we die. Everything I do is motivated by survival instinct and the base desire to reproduce. It's not personal—it's biological. I can't help myself any more than a wolf can help hunting sheep. We're all monsters wearing clothes, pretending to be civilized. The sooner you accept that about men, about all of us, the less disappointed you'll be.

Troy:Jeff, you can't just take a bite out of a donut, put it back in the box, and expect nobody to notice!

Jeff:That's not what I—

Troy:You're a donut predator, Jeff. You're a donut predator.

Pierce:Wait, this is MY Twitter account? I've been following myself this whole time?

Pierce:But these tweets are genius! Who's been writing these?

Pierce:Oh my God... I have been. I'm a Twitter genius and I didn't even know it.

Pierce:I've been retweeting my own brilliance. That's not narcissism, that's just good taste.

Troy:Pierce believes that cats don't have genders.

Pierce:That's not what I said. I said cats are genderless until they choose.

Troy:Pierce, that's not how biology works.

Pierce:How do you know? Have you ever asked a cat?

Jeff:Abed, you can't live your life like it's a TV show. That's outdated. Like season 4 of Community.

Abed:TV is better than life. Jeff is our unlikeable leading man.

Jeff:Respect is about seeing someone for who they really are, and accepting them unconditionally.

Chang:That's gay.

Jeff:You can't hit me, Professor. I'm showing you respect.

Professor Bauer:Respect this!

Professor Bauer:Ha! Respect means nothing to me!

Jeff:What happened? Why am I wet?

Shirley:I threw urine on you.

Jeff:You what?

Shirley:Urine. I threw it. On you.

Pierce:I've got 47 followers! Do you know what that means? I'm basically a celebrity. I'm going to monetize this.

Troy:Who's going to pay for your thoughts?

Pierce:Well, obviously people who—

Troy:No, seriously. Who?

Abed:I'm sorry for forcing all those story concepts on everyone.

Abed:But I just realized... Professor Chang was the real entertainment all along.

Chang:They don't need me. They never needed me. I'm just the funny guy who brings the energy.

Mirror Chang:That's not true. You're essential to the group dynamic.

Chang:No, no, no. You're just saying that because you're me.

Mirror Chang:Exactly. And I know you better than anyone.

Chang:HAHAHAHA! That's... that's insane. I'm not— I don't need validation from a mirror. HAHAHAHA!

Troy:When categorizing humans, we use a system called taxonomy.

Abed:First, we start with the kingdom — that's the broadest category.

Troy:Then phylum, class, order, family, genus, species — it gets more specific.

Abed:Some people like to get really deep into the specifics.

Troy:You need a firm grasp to really understand the ins and outs.

Abed:It's all about penetrating the subject matter thoroughly.

Troy:Once you've mastered the fundamentals, you can really climax your understanding.