Grifting 101

Jeff:I'm like a kid in a candy store with this course catalog.

Jeff:Except the candy store is Greendale, and instead of candy, it's courses, and instead of just getting fat, I literally got diabetes.

Annie:Wait, you actually have diabetes?

Jeff:I went to the doctor last week. He said my blood sugar levels are through the roof.

Annie:Jeff! Why didn't you tell us?

Jeff:Because I was hoping if I didn't say it out loud, it wouldn't be real. Kind of like how I've been handling everything else in my life.

Jeff:I went to the doctor's house instead of the office.

Britta:Grifters? Oh, I know all about grifting. I could teach you for $50.

Abed:I want to learn about grifting.

Abed:The movie called 'The Grifters' contains almost no actual grifting.

Jeff:At least the last disappointing class gave us goldfish.

Annie:You know what your problem is? You're a con man. You con people, you con yourself, and worst of all, you con us into thinking you're going to change.

Jeff:That's not fair.

Annie:Isn't it? Because next week you'll do something selfish, we'll all be disappointed, and then you'll say something charming and we'll all forgive you. It's a con, Jeff. And we're all suckers for it.

Chang:Even I, who lives in an RV with a fold-down table, can judge Jeff

Britta:Hey, can you cover for me in grifting class?

Jeff:Cover for you? Why?

Britta:I'll owe you one. You cover my class, I'll cover yours next week, then you cover my anthropology class the week after, but only on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then I'll owe you two favors, which you can cash in anytime before the semester ends, but not during midterms. And if I miss class for any reason other than illness or family emergency, the whole deal is void and you get to pick what I wear for a day.

Jeff:That's insane.

Britta:Wait, there's more. You also get a coupon for one free meal at lunch, redeemable only in the cafeteria, and I'll name my firstborn child after you, but only if it's a boy, and only if you approve the middle name. Oh, and high five!

Jeff:High five.

Annie:Wait, if it's a basic class, why do we need briefcases? That doesn't seem very basic.

Jeff:Oh wow, extra briefcases? What a shocker.

Student:So what exactly are regulation briefcases?

DeSalvo:You know, I have no idea what they are.

Student:Then why are you selling them?

DeSalvo:Because they're regulation.

Jeff:Can I borrow some money?

Dean Pelton:No.

Jeff:See? Taken advantage of.

Britta:Look, I have a payment plan. I'll pay you back in installments.

Britta:Five dollars a month for the next... *counts on fingers* ...eight hundred years. Your great-great-grandchildren will thank me.

Britta:And frankly, you should be grateful. Most people wouldn't even offer that much. Also, you're bad parents.

Professor DeSalvo:I'm Professor DeSalvo, and I'm a grifter. I've taught at 47 different colleges under various aliases like Dirk Studmeyer, Buck Thunderpants, and my personal favorite, Blast Hardcheese.

DeSalvo:My name is... uh... Jeff Winger.

DeSalvo:No wait, it's Jeff... Goulash.

DeSalvo:Actually, I'm Jeff Biscotto.

DeSalvo:Hold on, Jeff Spaghetti-O.

DeSalvo:I meant to do that. It's a classic grifting technique—make them think you're incompetent so they lower their guard.

DeSalvo:Pass it! Pass it! PASS IT!

DeSalvo:Faster! FASTER! We need to move NOW!

DeSalvo:GO GO GO! This is critical! MOVE!

DeSalvo:We've got 40 minutes.

DeSalvo:Your real name is Annie Kim? That's a terrible name.

Annie:Well, from now on, call me Analise Risotto Pinot Grigio.

Annie:Actually, never mind. I'm Annie.

Student:Wait, you're telling me DeSalvo tried to sell 'extra believable socks'?

Student:How is that even a product?

Student:I thought I was getting a deal!

Jeff:Okay, everyone sit down. I want to hear this, but I need to get comfortable first.

Jeff:Annie, can you grab me that pillow? And maybe adjust the lighting? I've been waiting for this moment my entire life.

Annie:Jeff, we just need to tell you that you were—

Jeff:Ah ah ah. Not yet. Is anyone recording this? We should document this.

Jeff:Okay, now I'm ready. Go ahead.

Jeff:You know what? I appreciate the apologies, but I have to be honest with you guys. I'm not actually hurt. I'm just lazy and I like having an excuse to do nothing.

Britta:You're as lazy as DeSalvo.

Jeff:DeSalvo? The Boston Strangler?

Britta:No, I mean in terms of laziness. He never left his apartment.

Jeff:That's because he was in prison.

Britta:Well, you're doing the reverse. You're leaving your apartment but accomplishing nothing, which is like reverse pissing.

Jeff:What does that mean?

Britta:I don't know, I'm making it up as I go.

Jeff:I'm Jeff Winger. I'm a lawyer. Well, I was a lawyer. Well, I'm still a lawyer, I just can't practice law anymore. But I'm very tolerant of other cultures and religions. I have a Latina girlfriend. Well, I did. We broke up. But the point is, I'm not racist. I'm just saying, you know, some people are different, and that's okay. As long as they stay in their own neighborhoods.

Jeff:This is my desk.

Jeff:And this is DeSalvo's desk. It's the one that's empty because DeSalvo doesn't exist.

DeSalvo:Grifting isn't lying, it's theater. It's like... it's like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

DeSalvo:Except the rabbit is money, and the hat is someone's trust, and the magician is me.

DeSalvo:Which is basically just lying.

Jeff:You know what? I'm not just a lawyer. I'm the best lawyer in this city.

DeSalvo:Oh please. I'm not just a cop. I'm a decorated officer who's solved more cases than you've won arguments.

Jeff:Well I'm not just decorated — I'm a legend. People write dissertations about my cross-examinations.

DeSalvo:That's nothing. I'm not just a legend — I'm an institution. They named a wing of the precinct after me.

Jeff:Fine. I'm not just an institution — I'm a force of nature. I bend the laws of physics with my closing statements.

DeSalvo:Well I'm not just a force of nature — I'm a cosmic entity. Planets realign when I enter a room.

Jeff:You want to know what I am? I'm God.

DeSalvo:...I'm also God.

Jeff:We can't both be God.

DeSalvo:Then I guess we're going to have to fight about it.

Jeff:You know what, DeSalvo? I'm done with your—

Jeff:I love you.

Jeff:Yeah, it's actually getting easier.

Britta:Why? What changed?

Jeff:Well, we've dropped it so many times that the handle broke off, so now it's just a box. And boxes are easier to pass than briefcases.

Annie:Stop using that word! You're grifting my brain!

Annie:I asked for coffee this morning and I said, 'Can you grift me a latte?'

Annie:My mother called and I told her to stop grifting around!

Annie:I'm losing my mind! I can't stop grifting!

Telegram Man:Telegram for you, sir.

Elroy:What's it say?

Telegram Man:Greetings. I am a Nigerian prince. I have inherited a large sum of money and need your help to transfer it. All I need is your banking information and a small processing fee.

Elroy:A Nigerian prince email scam... delivered as a telegram?

Telegram Man:Those are the terms of the will, sir.

DeSalvo:This is the Jim Belushi of grift — ubiquitous but not respected.

Jeff:The Slovenian Switch, the Hungarian Hustle, the Carrot Top Catastrophe...

Chang:Hey, look at this lottery ticket I found!

DeSalvo:What lottery ticket? There is no lottery ticket. I don't know what you're talking about.

Jeff:Dude, there's clearly a lottery ticket right there.

DeSalvo:No, no, no. You're confused. There never was a ticket. And there was no telegram man either.

Chang:Nobody said anything about a telegram man.

DeSalvo:Exactly! Because he doesn't exist!

DeSalvo:I'm warning you, I will hurt you!

DeSalvo:I will actually hurt you! Don't think I won't!

DeSalvo:Wait, am I being too aggressive? Is that too much?

DeSalvo:Nobody respects me, do they? They think I'm soft.

DeSalvo:Presumably walks into something while walking backwards

Britta:Jeff is obsessed with DeSalvo.

DeSalvo:Oh, you two are together? That's impressive.

Annie:Wait, you don't have a plan, do you?

Jeff:Of course I have a plan.

Annie:No you don't. None of us do. We're just making this up as we go along.

Jeff:That's not true.

Annie:Jeff, we're in a TV show. The writers don't even know what happens next week.

Jeff:When could I have planned a grift?

Britta:You had a lot of time to admit you had no plan.

Jeff:Well, I didn't want to look stupid.

Abed:Too late.

Abed:Well, if we're having children, they'll need to learn the con game early. I'm thinking by age five, they're running basic short cons at the playground. By ten, they're into the long game.

Jeff:Abed, you can't marry a movie.

Abed:That's exactly what they said about Cher and her boyfriend in Clueless, and look how that turned out.

Jeff:I need to win. I need to win so badly. It's not about the school, or the team, or any of that. I just... I need people to think I'm good at something. I need to be the best. Because if I'm not winning, what am I? I'm just a guy. A regular guy. And I can't... I can't be that.

Abed:I had a dream last night where everything was dialogue from The Sting. I was walking through a grocery store and the checkout guy was like, 'You know, kid, in this life you gotta learn to appreciate the con within the con.' And I just wanted cereal.

DeSalvo:What are you doing hiding in here watching movies? You look like a bunch of gypsies.

DeSalvo:You're like a... you're like a... I got nothing. You know what? Oscar Wilde once said, 'Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a beautiful day.'

Jeff:Your fighting style is terrible.

DeSalvo:At least I'm from somewhere real.

Jeff:You're from New Jersey, DeSalvo.

DeSalvo:Exactly.

Jeff:Wait, is that real blood?

DeSalvo:It's corn syrup and food coloring.

Jeff:Oh thank God. My diabetes prevents me from tasting fake blood.

Jeff:I'm sorry about all this.

DeSalvo:Sorry? You're sorry? You're a spineless, narcissistic con artist.

DeSalvo:You're a parasite on society, a waste of human potential.

DeSalvo:And frankly, this entire school is a monument to mediocrity and failure.

Frankie:Britta, you're expelled.

Britta:What? Why?

Frankie:I don't know, but statistically speaking, it's probably your fault.

Jeff:Britta... she's the heart of this group. She cares about everyone, she's selfless, she—

Jeff:Wait, no... she joined the study group to get over some guy, right?

Jeff:Um... I mean, that's... that's not... she's still...

Jeff:Britta is essential to this group. She's the moral compass, the voice of reason—

Jeff:Without her, we'd all just be sleeping with each other!

Dean:Yeah, that would be bad.

Jeff:Look, Britta may not be perfect, but she's a good person. She deserves our support.

Jeff:And if you can't see that, then you're missing the entire character arc of this season. This is peak storytelling. We're in act two of a three-act structure, and Britta's redemption is the B-plot that ties everything together.

Jeff:So either you're with us, or you're getting a spinoff and nobody's watching it.

Dean Pelton:You know, Miss Perry, I have to say - for someone who just got expelled, you showed remarkable cunning in that grift. Have you considered a career in politics?

Britta:Wait, are you complimenting me right now?

Dean Pelton:I'm saying you have a gift. It would be a shame to waste it.

DeSalvo:I'm a lucky grifter, yeah that's what they call me

DeSalvo:Lucky grifter, I can talk my way out of anything

DeSalvo:Well actually, I'm more than a grifter, I'm a con man

DeSalvo:Con man, I've conned presidents

DeSalvo:Well actually, I AM a president

DeSalvo:I'm the King of England

DeSalvo:No, no, no! That's my briefcase! That one's mine! Stop!

DeSalvo:Come back here! You don't understand, I need that briefcase!

Student 1:This one's mine!

Student 2:No, this is clearly mine!

DeSalvo:Nobody move! Nobody's briefcase is leaving this room!

DeSalvo:Wait, wait, WAIT! That's the wrong one!

Chang:It's not 'mental,' it's 'mentally challenged.' Get it right.

DeSalvo:Oh, my bad. I'll remember that.

Chang:You better. And while you're at it, I need you to send me some photos.

DeSalvo:Photos? What kind of photos?

Chang:Doesn't matter. Just photos. Shirtless. From multiple angles.

Jeff:So either you're incompetent, or you're actively sabotaging me.

DeSalvo:Incompetent.

DeSalvo:I was grifted.

Jeff:Grift!

Britta:Grift!

Abed:Grift!

Troy:Grift!

Annie:Grift!

Shirley:Grift!

Pierce:Grift!

Ryan:Yeah, so Jeff basically saved my life once, and ever since then he's been... cashing in on it.

Jeff:You owe me, buddy. That's just how this works.

Ryan:Do you have any idea how many times you've called in that debt? I've done your laundry, written your papers, covered for you at work...

Jeff:That's what friends do.

Ryan:Friends don't systematically exploit a life debt for years, Jeff!