Elroy Patashnik

Elroy:When my phone rings and I say hello, and they say, is Pablo there? I don't say, who's asking, I say, wrong number.

Jeff · Elroy:That doesn't mean anything. I can copy a file by holding my finger down on a phone. Well, so can a monkey.

Elroy:You bet your sweet ass I saw Lawnmower Man. I consulted on it. Took Brigitte Nielsen to the premiere.

Elroy:To use a phrase I coined in the 90s, I'm going in. You coined that? Oh yeah, lock and load. That's mine too.

Elroy:Here's your power. Yeah. Now, manipulate worlds.

Dean · Elroy:And that, my friend, is the Greendale effect. I'll never get out of here, will I? I haven't met many that do.

Elroy:They took my snake, and they turned it into a plumber. They made the eggs, into barrels. The pine tree they made into a gorilla, but I recognized my design. Donkey Kong my ass. That's construction snake.

Elroy · Abed:Why would a tree throw eggs at a snake? / Why would a papal be fighting a monkey?

Elroy · Abed:I'm assuming it's still the same, smaller holes, more bytes. / Now what are we up to now, mega? / Tera. / They did it, those bastards. They finally did it.

Abed · Frankie · Elroy:Can I be his assistant? / Not for money. / Can I be his friend? / Elroy Abed is your friend.

Elroy:Kid, animals have been murdering each other for 3 billion years. Birds have had their 15 million in the spotlight.

Elroy:But we can't do any of it while scheduling our evolution around the needs of the least lucky birds.

Elroy:This is two white security guards versus one unarmed black man and two baby birds. Your move.

Abed · Elroy:Maybe that's the lesson. / Maybe we all lost a button.

Elroy:I have a brain the size of Jupiter. I'm nobody's fourth Ghostbuster.

Elroy:Is this a cult? Are you gonna eat me?

Elroy:That's the black guy in every sci-fi movie. I'll allow it.

Elroy:You're going to be punished in ways you won't understand for longer than you think is rational or possible.

Elroy:There's a kid outside throwing tennis balls against my RV.

Elroy:Pelton, I can't keep track of all the parakeets you had growing up

Elroy:You could cut the hardline at the mainframe. Hardline. Mainframe.

Elroy · Unknown:You were being sarcastic? Yeah, but you should look at this.

Unknown · Elroy · Unknown:3D models you've been making of our bodies without our permission. That's what those photos were for? I'm making a game about lady time travelers. Where in your pants?

Elroy:Jezel is like a daughter to me. But arguably more like a daughter to her parents.

Elroy:Did he own a rainbow? Was he the group's pharmacist?

Elroy:Unless I need wrench made of licorice.

Elroy:You weird, hair gelled, CPR dummy.

Elroy:What's that thing that castles have? A moat. It goes over the moat.

Elroy:A drawbridge, a drawbridge.

Elroy · Telegram Man:Telegram for Elroy Patashnik. Oh, my God. My Aunt Baba died on vacation while in Africa. But she left me a million dollars, but the African government wants to seize the funds.

Elroy:For the love of God, stop charging your phones! Aah!

Unknown · Elroy:Flooded? So help me God.

Elroy · Jeff:Secondary. We overloaded the electrical system, and killed the engine battery. So now, the secondary battery has maybe three or four hours of juice - Charge, juice, charge.

Elroy:You know, I'm starting to suspect the unthinkable. Namely, that in spite of all we've experienced, there's a cartoonish vampiric orgy of personal devices somewhere in the RV sucking away our remaining battery.

Elroy:Most conventional weapons don't require electricity.

Elroy:I'm scaling the blanket rations inversely to the wattage of each person's phone. That way the person who killed us the most will die the soonest, which feels fair.

Elroy:That vinyl accordion partition is a totem of distrust.

Elroy:I made a stinky.

Elroy:My name is Elroy Patashnik, and from 2006 to 2009, I was addicted to encouraging white people.

Elroy:My name is Elroy Patashnik, and from 2006 to 2009, I was addicted to encouraging white people.

Elroy:The thing is, and this will sound racist, white people are very discouraged, and very discouraging to each other.

Elroy:There's no lid.

Elroy:And now, this is a man that knows how to marry his cousin.

Elroy · Group:What? That's crazy! People use LinkedIn? No, LinkedIn hired me to help figure out why people don't use it.