Queer Studies & Advanced Waxing

Chang:Wax on, wax off. Wax on, wax off.

Chang:Daniel-san, you do good. Now you ready for tournament.

Chang:First learn stand, then learn fly. Or something like that.

Jeff:So you're auditioning for the role of Daniel LaRusso?

Chang:Yes, and before you say anything, it's not because he's Asian. It's because he's a loser who learns karate. I can relate to that.

Jeff:I wasn't going to say anything about—

Chang:Oh, so now you're saying I'm not a loser? That's racist.

Elroy:I invented the construction snake concept for video games.

Elroy:Donkey Kong completely stole my design. That's my construction snake up there on screen.

Elroy:Wait, so you're telling me Mario is the Pope?

Abed:No, he's papal. The papal plumber.

Elroy:That's... that's the Pope, Abed.

Abed:No, papal. It means plumber-related.

Dean:You know, it wouldn't hurt to have a few pleasantries around here. A little 'good morning,' a little 'how are you?'

Jeff:Good morning. How are you? There, happy? Now can we please get the Wi-Fi working, because without it, nothing matters. Nothing.

Dean:Wi-Fi is not a basic need. Food, water, shelter, air—those are basic needs.

Jeff:Dean, I can't breathe without Wi-Fi.

Dean Pelton:I tried calling IT, but the phone lines went dead. Then I sent an email and it came back with a message that said 'User Unknown.' I drove to the IT office and the door was sealed shut with what looked like ancient symbols.

Dean Pelton:I left a note under her door and it disappeared. I swear I heard chanting coming from the server room. Now whenever I try to contact her, my computer starts smoking and I smell sulfur.

Elroy:A terabyte? That's... that's a thousand gigabytes?

Abed:Yes.

Elroy:Dear God. We're all going to die.

Abed:I want to work with you on a project.

Elroy:Sure, what kind of project?

Abed:Something collaborative. Professional. We'd be colleagues.

Elroy:Okay, I'm interested.

Abed:Actually, maybe we could just hang out sometime?

Elroy:Oh. Uh... sure.

Abed:As friends.

Elroy:Yeah, that works too.

Dean Pelton:I'm dying.

Dean Pelton:Just kidding. But now you all feel terrible, don't you? Mission accomplished.

Dean:What do you think of this outfit? I'm trying to decide between this and the other one.

Dean:Hello? A little help here? This is important to me. Fine. You know what? Forget it. Some friends you turned out to be.

School Board Member:Dean Pelton, we'd like to offer you a position on our diversity committee.

Dean:Oh, that's wonderful! I'm honored.

School Board Member:Yes, we need more... representation. And you're exactly what we're looking for.

Dean:Thank you, I take diversity very seriously—

School Board Member:You're gay, right?

Dean:I... what? No, I'm not—

School Board Member:Oh. Well, you seem gay.

Dean Pelton:Well, that's a very reductive way to frame the question. I prefer to think of myself as a fluidity enthusiast. I'm not gay, I'm not straight, I'm not even necessarily bound by the constraints of conventional sexuality. I exist in a post-orientation paradigm where I'm free to express myself in whatever way feels authentic in any given moment. So to answer your question: yes, no, and also maybe.

School Board Member:We deserve a parade just as much as any oppressed group. We face discrimination every day.

School Board Member:People don't understand the struggles we endure as school board members.

School Board Member:Dean, you need to embrace who you are. Being gay is like a jet engine - it's powerful, it propels you forward, and if you don't harness it, I'll find someone who will.

Dean Pelton:Well, I've been thinking about the advantages of the gay lifestyle.

School Board Member:Oh yeah? Like what?

Dean Pelton:Well, you know, the fashion sense, the interior design skills, the natural rhythm—

School Board Member:You mean like, twice as many shoes and half the emotional baggage?

School Board Member:Come on, Dean, join the board. We need you.

School Board Member:Gay dean! Gay dean! Gay dean!

Abed:My mom used to sit by the router too. Said it was for the heat, but really she was just trying to get away from my dad.

Abed:These baby birds fell out of their nest. We have to help them or they'll die.

Elroy:Let 'em die. It's called natural selection. Survival of the fittest. Nature doesn't care about your feelings, man. It's like a reality TV show—weak contestants get eliminated.

Elroy:Look, I'm not saying we shouldn't care about the birds, but WiFi is essential infrastructure. It's about human evolution versus bird welfare.

Shirley:Elroy, that is the most selfish thing I've ever heard.

Elroy:Is it though? Humans need connectivity to survive in 2014. Birds have been fine for millions of years without WiFi.

Abed:Did Elroy just do a Stephen King monologue about killing a bird?

Elroy:You don't have to get mean.

Abed:I wasn't being mean. I was being accurate. There's a difference.

Britta:What do IT people do to stall when they don't know how to fix something?

Abed:Nobody knows. That's the whole thing about IT people.

Annie:I think we were cast because we have great chemistry and the director saw real potential in both of us.

Chang:No. You were cast because you're conventionally attractive and I was cast because I'm ethnic.

Annie:You know, Chang, there's nothing wrong with being cast for your race. It happens to everyone. Meg Ryan gets cast in movies all the time, and she's only there because she's white.

Jeff:Oh, so IT people stalling for time? That's your bit?

Chang:Dean, read the room. Nobody cares about your school board offer. They're all looking at me because I'm clearly the most important person here.

Dean:Chang, I'm trying to tell you about an important opportunity—

Chang:See? You're not even listening to yourself. That's how unimportant you are right now.

Jeff:So you're saying the position comes with a huge salary, unlimited power, and absolutely no accountability?

Dean Pelton:Well, when you put it that way, it sounds like a dictatorship.

Jeff:I'm in.

Jeff:Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares was peak gay representation.

Dean Pelton:My sexuality is like a magic trick. You see, it appears to be one thing, but then there's a twist, and suddenly it's something else entirely. Or maybe it was always both things at once, and you just weren't looking closely enough. The important thing is that nobody really understands how it works, including the magician.

Jeff:Look, the Dean's not a token. A token is someone who's there to make an institution look diverse without actually having any real power or influence. The Dean has plenty of power and influence.

Jeff:He's more like... a mascot. Which, when you think about it, is way worse.

Dean Pelton:I'm not gay. But I'm not *not* gay. It's heavily in the mix.

Dean:You know, I've decided to embrace partial honesty. I'm coming out as... one-eighth gay.

Dean:That way I can still shop at regular stores, but I get to enjoy musicals guilt-free.

Director:Stop, stop, stop. Chang, that was terrible.

Chang:What? I thought it was good.

Director:No. Here's what I want you to do: be better.

Chang:Be... better?

Director:Yes. And this time, really feel it.

Chang:What's my motivation?

Director:You're a man who's lost everything. Your family, your dignity, your will to live.

Chang:Okay, I'll try again.

Director:No, that was worse. Much worse. Try to think of the most painful moment of your life and channel that.

Chang:I'm doing my best.

Director:Your best? Your best is killing me inside. I want you to imagine that everyone you've ever loved has abandoned you, and they're all watching this performance right now, judging you, disappointed in every choice you make.

Chang:This is really harsh.

Director:You know what? Forget motivation. Just stand there and don't ruin this for everyone else.

Director:You know what? I've seen better acting from a potted plant.

Director:Hell, I've seen better acting from a brick wall.

Director:This lamp over here has more range than you do.

Director:Those aren't tears of pain, Chang. Those are tears of a man who's realized he'll never be the dancer he dreamed of being. They're falling down your cheeks like little rivers of broken dreams, each one carrying with it a memory of a leap you'll never nail, a pirouette you'll never complete. They're the tears of a mediocre man in a mediocre body doing a mediocre job.

Director:Chang, you incompetent fool! Your incompetence knows no bounds!

Director:I'm going to stab you with a frozen tear! A frozen tear, Chang!

Director:You're not even a real person. You're just a void in the shape of a man.

Dean Pelton:I'd like to introduce my boyfriend, Domingo.

Domingo:Yes, we're very much in love. He's a great dean. Very... decanical.

Dean Pelton:That's not a word.

Domingo:I'm nervous. I've never been a boyfriend before.

School Board Member:It gets better! It gets better!

Dean Pelton:I'm not homophobic! I'm just conservative with my sexuality. I'm like the gay equivalent of a Log Cabin Republican.

Dean Pelton:I'm here for you. I'm your boyfriend now. We're in a relationship.

Dean Pelton:I'm going to treat this with the utmost professionalism and integrity.

Dean Pelton:Actually, you know what? I'm phoning it in. This is community theater at best.

Director:I'm not going to hit you, Chang. You're like a mosquito—annoying, but I can't be bothered. Actually, you're more like a mosquito's shadow. No, wait—you're like the sound of a mosquito that nobody can hear. You're like the memory of the sound of a mosquito. You're like someone describing the memory of the sound of a mosquito to a person who's never heard sound. You're like a mosquito that exists only in a dimension that intersects with ours at a 90-degree angle, making you completely imperceptible and utterly irrelevant to the functioning of my reality.

Director:Alright people, let's get this scene right. I need complete silence on set.

Director:Assistant! Where is my coffee?

Assistant:Right here, sir.

Director:This is cold! I said I wanted it hot! Piping hot! How hard is that to understand?

Director:And the foam! There's too much foam! I need exactly three-quarters of an inch of foam, not a millimeter more!

Director:And another thing — the bean! What bean is this?! This tastes like a bean from the wrong hemisphere!

Annie:I can't quit. I'm meant to do this. It's my cosmic purpose to bring Shakespeare to the masses through interpretive dance and method acting.

Britta:Wow, that was really dramatic.

Annie:Thank you. I've been taking acting classes.

Britta:I didn't say it was good.

Abed:Well, according to ornithological data, if these are migratory birds, they won't be able to leave until their natural migration patterns align with seasonal changes. So worst case scenario? We're looking at 6 to 8 months.

Jeff:Six to eight months?!

Abed:Or they could nest here permanently if conditions are favorable. I've already identified three ideal nesting sites in the study room.

Elroy:The bird flew into the study room and nobody knew how to get it out.

Frankie:Oh no, that's terrible! We need to call animal control immediately!

Elroy:Well, it turned out the bird was actually just trying to find a place to build its nest.

Frankie:Awww, that's beautiful. We should help it! Do we have any twigs?

Director:Your thumbs are disproportionate to your hands! You breathe loud! And your air quotes are visible from space!

Annie:Wait, so I'm the main character of this movie, right?

Director:Actually, no. The movie is about Mr. Miyagi.

Annie:But... I thought I was the protagonist.

Director:You're more of a supporting character. It's really Mr. Miyagi's story.

Director:Miyagi got nominated for an Oscar. Danny got nothing.

Director:Wax on.

Annie:So you cast me because you saw my talent and potential as an actress?

Director:No, we cast you because you're a size extra-small and the costume department already had a pilgrim outfit in that size.

Director:I cast Chang because I saw potential in him. You have to understand, directing is like surgery - you have to cut away the excess to reveal what's underneath. With Chang, I had to use a chainsaw.

Director:You're fired. Hi-YAH!

Director:Of course you're talented. You're all talented. That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Annie:Wait, so you weren't being kind?

Director:Kind? No. I was being condescending. There's a difference. Kindness is when you treat someone well because you respect them. Condescension is when you treat someone well because you feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for all of you.

School Board Member:Dean Pelton, you've spent over $50,000 of school funds on bird protection?

Dean Pelton:Well, yes, but if we don't protect our feathered friends, who will?

School Board Member:The actual Audubon Society, perhaps?

Dean Pelton:I... well, you see, I've been working undercover as a bird watcher named... um... Craig... Seger... bird... watcher.

School Board Member:That's not even a real identity.

Dean Pelton:Isn't it? I have a business card. I made it on a Kinkos printer in 2004.

School Board Member:Gay people aren't supporting Dean because he's just a token. They want him to do gay stuff, not just be gay stuff.

School Board Member:You're a weird gay monster.

Elroy:You want me to remove a bird's nest? That's avian profiling.

Elroy:I'm calling the ACLU. The American Civil Liberties... of birds.

Dean Pelton:Wait, wait, wait. Let me reframe this as a battle of minorities. You're a woman in a male-dominated field, and I'm a man in a dress. We're both fighting the system!

Dean Pelton:I want to be honest with you all. I'm not actually gay. I've been pretending this whole time.

Dean Pelton:My real identity? I'm a politician.

Britta:Wait, you're scandalized that politicians are political? That's like being shocked that a fish is wet. Of course they're political—they're politicians! It's literally in the name.

Britta:And this whole 'coming out of the closet' thing everyone's doing? Please. Every politician is in the closet. They're all hiding something. That's not a scandal, that's just politics.

Abed:The bird situation has escalated. I'm treating the bird as a metaphor for my moral state. It's caged, it's angry, and it smells like desperation.

Annie:This is a disaster! Chang's entire performance was a mockery of the theatrical arts! The way he mangled every line, the blocking was completely uninspired, and don't even get me started on his accent!

Jeff:Annie, it was community college theater. The bar is literally on the ground.

Jeff:We have to go to Chang's play.

Britta:Why? His acting is going to be terrible.

Jeff:That's the thing—it won't be. It'll be indistinguishable from reality. We won't know if he's acting or if he's actually just being Chang.

Britta:I'll go to Chang's play. How bad could it be?

Jeff:It's not performing arts, Britta. It's a cry for help in interpretive dance form.

Director:Actors are worthless. They contribute nothing to society. They're parasites who leech off the creative vision of writers and directors.

Director:But at the same time, actors are the most important people in the world. They shape culture, inspire millions, and their performances can literally change how people see reality itself.

Annie:It's Annie Kim, her academic rival

Audience member:Wow.

Jeff:Wait, who is that? That's actually... good.

Annie:I know, right? The emotion, the timing—

Britta:The guy's got range. Like, legitimate range.

Jeff:For a second there I completely forgot it was—

All:Chang.

Jeff:...Yeah, that tracks.

Abed:I'm at a complete loss. What lesson am I supposed to learn here?

Elroy:You know what I lost last week? A button. Just one button. Fell right off my shirt.

Chang:I just want a normal life. A wife, kids, a house in the suburbs. You know, basic things.

Jeff:Yeah, well, I don't have any of those things either, and I'm not even interesting enough to have a good excuse.

Jeff:We could go to that bar we used to like.

Britta:You mean the one for self-hating people?

Jeff:Yeah, that's the one.

Abed:We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of a creature who brought us joy, confusion, and occasional property damage. This bird lived a full life. It ate, it flew, it pooped on things. It was a bird. We'll miss it.

Abed:We are gathered here today to honor the passing of this majestic creature. As is tradition, we must all don our cat masks and assume the proper finger-wing position.

Abed:The ceremony requires us to walk counterclockwise while humming the theme from Magnum P.I., then we'll proceed to the interpretive dance portion.

Abed:I've prepared a seventeen-slide PowerPoint presentation on avian mortality rates, which I'll now project onto the casket.

Britta:And now, little guy, you're free. Go live your best life out there in the world. You have so much potential ahead of you.

Group:[Bird dies immediately]

Jeff:Well, that's on you.