Advanced Safety Features

Jeff Winger:The difference is that prison is where you go after you're convicted of a crime. Jail is where you go when you're arrested and waiting for trial.

Jeff Winger:But really, prison requires proving you're poor. Jail is just cop bias.

Abed:I'm looking for a good DJ.

Abed:I don't understand what makes DJs different from basic technology.

Chang:I'd like to begin my PowerPoint presentation.

Chang:I should tell you, I have no idea how to use PowerPoint.

Chang:I just know PowerPoint.

Dean Pelton:We need to try some guerrilla marketing.

Chang:Guerrilla? Like actual gorillas? That would be amazing!

Britta:It's like they're cleaning the glass of your mind with Windex.

Dean:Wait, wait, wait. A Honda Fit? THE Honda Fit?

Dean:I'm canceling school. Everything. All of it. Classes are canceled.

Dean:We're all going to look at this car together as a community.

Dean Pelton:I'm going to have to freeze all of the school's assets.

Dean Pelton:It's a freezy wheezy.

Jeff Winger:Is the meeting over?

Dean Pelton:Yes, Jeff, the meeting is over.

Jeff Winger:So we can just... stay here and be funny?

Britta Perry:That's basically what we do.

Elroy:So let me get this straight. Jeff is the handsome one, Britta's the mess, Annie's the smart girl, Abed's the weird one, Troy's the lovable guy, and Shirley's... the mom?

Jeff:Pretty much.

Elroy:Cool. So where do I fit in?

Britta:Well, you're the old guy.

Elroy:What was so special about Troy? Why won't anybody tell me?

Elroy:Was he a astronaut? Did he invent something? Was he bitten by a radioactive person?

Elroy:Did he teach you all how to love? Was he half-man, half-horse? A full horse that could talk?

Elroy:Could he do that thing where you move your finger really fast and it looks like there's two of them? Was he made of chocolate?

Elroy:What made Troy so special?

Abed:He was really good at folding fitted sheets.

Abed:Troy is an incredibly talented steel drum player. I'm telling you the truth right now.

Abed:See, in comedy, the setup and punchline need to have a clear relationship. You establish something in the setup, then subvert it in the punchline for maximum comedic effect.

Abed:So when I tell you Troy's steel drum skills are amazing, and then I explain the mechanics of how that joke should work, the irony is that I'm not actually giving you a punchline about Troy at all.

Abed:I'm just being completely honest about how this works.

Chang:Wait, what? I don't... I genuinely don't remember how that trick was supposed to work.

Chang:Did I ever actually know? I think I just bought it from a magic shop and assumed I'd figure it out.

Annie:Your ex worked at Subway?

Britta:Don't say that name! Every time I hear it, I have a panic attack. That place ruined my life!

Annie:It's just a sandwich shop, Britta.

Britta:You owe me therapy money just for saying it out loud.

Abed:You know what? I've been thinking about switching to a new phone. The new Samsung Galaxy has an amazing camera, incredible battery life, and the processing speed is just unbelievable. Plus, the 5G connectivity means I can stream anything instantly. It's really the phone for me.

Rick:I'm Rick, but you might know me by my old nickname - The Sandwich Man.

Rick:Well, those days are behind me now. I'm declaring my independence. I'm Honda - the power of dreams.

Britta:You need to crouch down so I can hit you properly. It's martial arts rules.

Rick:What? That's not how this works.

Britta:Just crouch!

Rick:Britta... I've missed you so much. I need to be real with you about something.

Rick:I've been thinking about what really matters in life, and it's moments like this. Connection. Authenticity. And that's why I want to tell you about the all-new Honda Civic with its spacious interior and exceptional fuel efficiency.

Rick:It gets 33 miles per gallon on the highway. I'm not just saying that—I really mean it.

Rick:Yeah, I'm doing guerrilla marketing for Honda.

Rick:That's why it has to be secret. If people know it's an ad, it's not guerrilla marketing anymore—it's just regular marketing.

Rick:Yeah, okay, we can just be friends.

Rick:Hey, as a friend, you gotta see this — check out the heated seats. Feel that? That's friendship right there.

Jeff:We should play something that really shows Elroy how fun we are.

Britta:What about Cards Against Humanity?

Abed:That's literally just us trying to seem edgy and cool in front of the new guy.

Jeff:Perfect. Let's play 'Cards Against Humanity: Please Like Us, Elroy.'

Annie:We chose this game for you because we thought it really matched your personality.

Elroy:Oh yeah? What game is it?

Annie:Candyland.

Elroy:Candyland? Why would you—

Annie:Because your life peaked in the '80s and now you're just trying to recapture that magic by visiting imaginary places.

Jeff:I'm not old enough to play this game.

Rick:You know, in a space this compact, most people would feel claustrophobic. But look at these dimensions - 6 feet by 4 feet of pure cargo comfort. That's 24 square feet of intimate potential.

Britta:Rick, what are you doing?

Rick:I'm just saying, the Honda Civic has won 'Best Compact Interior' for three years running. The headroom alone - a full 37 inches - allows for any position you might want to... explore.

Britta:Oh my God.

Rick:And the climate control system means you'll never get too hot. Well, unless you want to. Which, statistically, 60% of compact car owners report preferring.

Dean Pelton:You know what they say... when it comes to Honda, you really gotta... *Honda* choose!

Dean Pelton:Look at this Honda Civic. Isn't she beautiful?

Rick:Dean, you've been saying that about every Honda for the past hour.

Dean Pelton:Because they ARE beautiful!

Rick:You know what? I'm going to classify you as a Level 5 Marketing Susceptibility case. You're the most vulnerable to advertising I've ever seen.

Annie:Elroy, we'd like to thank you for flying Community. We know you had choices, and we're grateful you chose to spend your layover with us.

Annie:We hope you enjoyed your time at our gate. Should you decide to return, we'll be here, same time next week.

Annie:Until then, we wish you clear skies and tailwinds, my friend.

Annie:Wait, you're right. That pun... it wasn't just funny. It was actually saying something about how I'm always trying to be the responsible one, keeping everyone in line.

Annie:Oh my God. Elroy just called me out without even really calling me out.

Shane:I cheat at everything. Cards, board games, sports, you name it.

Shane:Actually, right now I'm cheating at a completely different game somewhere else.

Bartender:Oh! Ow! Son of a— What the— Are you kidding me?! I swear to— Oh for crying out— Why does this always— WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS—

Bartender:You should try this scotch. It's smooth, complex, really exceptional.

Customer:What makes it so special?

Bartender:Well, the label has a really nice thistle on it.

Honda Representative:What about billboards and commercials?

Britta:Well, billboards are just lies on a stick, and commercials are like... commie-ercials, because they're trying to control us with propaganda.

Honda Rep:We prefer to think of it as... a gentle awakening of consumer desire. Like a soft massage for the mind.

Honda Rep:We're not manipulating you. We're simply creating a serene environment where your needs and our products harmoniously align.

Honda Rep:It's all very spa-like. Very therapeutic. You'll leave feeling relaxed and wanting to finance a Honda Civic.

Britta:Wait, I was manipulated into buying this? I thought I chose it because it was sophisticated.

Jeff:That's what marketing is, Britta. They're very good at making you think you want things.

Britta:But if they can make me want scotch I don't need, what else are they making me want?

Abed:Everything. Your clothes, your music, your sense of humor.

Britta:Oh my God. Who am I even?

Troy:And if they can control your wants, can they control your feelings?

Britta:Do I even love anyone, or was that marketing too?

Jeff:Okay, that escalated quickly.

Todd:I'm sorry, I'm being obnoxious. My girlfriend just left me because I spent all our money on a Honda CR-V, and I've been acting out. I apologize.

Todd:But seriously, have you seen the cargo space on that thing? It's ridiculous. I mean, my girlfriend's gone, but at least I can fit a whole deer in there if I wanted to.

Todd:So Rick is really special to you, huh? I mean, you've really got him pegged.

Todd:You know, pegged. Like you really understand him. You've got him pegged.

Elroy:Stay away from the mechanic.

Elroy:Unless you're using a candy tool.

Jeff:I'm like a human skunk. Not because I'm clever or resourceful, but because I spray a noxious odor that makes people want to avoid me at all costs.

Jeff:Wait, so the band is called... Natalie's Freezing?

Jeff:No wait, Natalie's Freezing?

Jeff:Natalie's Freezing!

Jeff:NATALIE'S FREEZING?!

Jeff:NATALIE'S FREEZING!!!

Annie:Why wouldn't he just admit it?

Dean Pelton:Because that's crazy person nonsense.

Annie:I have a rule about being constructive.

Annie:All my questions would just be insults disguised as questions.

Rick:These Honda floor mats are really top quality.

Britta's Mom:You know, I never really thought about floor mats before, but now I'm wondering if ours are even adequate.

Britta:Oh, so your parents want to watch Avatar? That's great, because nothing says 'quality family time' like three hours of blue cat people having sex in a forest while corporations destroy the environment. It's basically a documentary about my parents' retirement portfolio.

Elroy:You booked my ex's band? Man, you're like a mannequin. You got the same blank stare, the same dead eyes, the same complete inability to understand how your actions affect real people. You're not even a person, Jeff. You're just a plastic shell that wanders around making everybody's life worse.

Jeff:Are you Natalie from 'Natalie is Freezing'?

Julie:I'm an artist. I don't do commercial work.

Rick:I've devoted my life to Honda marketing. It's not just a job, it's a calling. I feel the hand of God pushing me towards those sales figures.

Rick:When I close a deal, I hear the music from Chariots of Fire in my head. I'm running towards that finish line, and Honda is right there beside me.

Elroy:It's like when you have that thing that goes up and down to let people cross over the moat, you know what I'm talking about?

Elroy:What is that called?

Elroy:It's a bridge, but it goes up and down.

Britta:A see-saw bridge?

Elroy:Yes! Yes, that's it! Drawbridge! Drawbridge, drawbridge, drawbridge!

Britta:Okay, fine. One last job. What is it?

Rick:We need you to test drive the new Honda Civic and give your honest opinion.

Britta:My honest opinion? It's the most beautiful car I've ever seen. The way the light hits the hood is like poetry. I've never felt so alive behind the wheel. Honda really understands the human soul.

Britta:Wait... oh no. Oh no no no. I did it again, didn't I?

Rick:You really are susceptible to marketing.

Britta:I'm a psychology major! I should be immune to this! But here I am, falling for it every single time.

Julie:Fine.

Julie:That was me doing an impression of you.

Julie:You're a jerk.

Rick:I had nothing to do with this. This was all them.

Rick:But since you're here, let me tell you about Hawthorne Wipes. Sixty percent more surface area. Three-ply. Hypoallergenic. Biodegradable. And they come in three designer colors: taupe, eggshell, and cream. We've won numerous awards.

Unknown child:No, you're playing it wrong. You're supposed to say 'ears have it' and then give an instruction that's impossible to do.

Unknown child:Like... okay, everybody change ears.

Britta's Dad:How did you know I was an elephant?

Britta's Mom:Because you're not an animal, you're just fat.