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Pierce:I came up with the idea of a blanket fort. It's genius.

Other Character:Pierce, that's just a blanket over some chairs.

Pierce:Exactly! You know what Henry Ford said? 'If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.' Well, I didn't ask anyone. I just made a fort.

Troy:Oh, this? This is a deconstructed tater tot casserole with a microwave reduction and a Funyun crust, finished with a drizzle of nacho cheese coulis.

Shirley:Y'all are disgusting. This is what happens when you don't have a black woman in the group.

Jeff:I brought a store-bought pie and told everyone I made it.

Troy:Abed's gonna bring something cool to dinner.

Police Officer:We received a report of an explosive device.

Troy:Oh, that's just Abed. He brought something delicious.

Officer:Alright, freeze! We got a call about suspicious activity.

Abed:Inspector Spacetime, reporting for duty.

Officer:Look, I don't know what you're talking about, but if you could just come with me—

Abed:The Dregs are here, aren't they? I can feel their temporal distortion.

Officer:Yeah, sure, buddy. The... Dregs. They're everywhere. We're gonna need to take you down to the precinct—in the Dreamscape.

Officer:Yeah, I'm familiar with Inspector Spacetime. In fact, that's kind of why I became a cop. I figured if I couldn't make it in the Inspector Spacetime fandom, at least I could enforce the law. Turns out I'm not very good at either.

Abed:Insp—... Inspector... Sp—... Space... time.

Officer:That's a 1987 clay brick, hand-fired in a kiln in suburban Pennsylvania. The subtle discoloration on the eastern face suggests exposure to approximately 2,000 hours of direct sunlight. Its weight distribution indicates it was likely part of a load-bearing wall in a mid-range residential structure. The mortar residue suggests it was removed sometime between 2003 and 2005. I'd appraise it at roughly $3.50.

Officer:Well, I appraised bricks for three years before I became a cop.

Officer:Did you know that every 12 seconds, someone in America is robbed? Every 45 seconds, someone is assaulted. Every 2 minutes, someone is raped. And every 22 minutes, someone is murdered.

Troy:Rich people! Rich people! Hello? Yes, I have a brick that's worth sixty dollars. No, I don't know why. Can you come get it? Hello?

Annie:Abed has this thing where he references TV and movies constantly. He sees the world through pop culture.

Psychiatrist:I see. Can you give me an example?

Annie:Well, like, he'll compare something to Robin Williams. You know, how Robin Williams used to be funny and weird like Mork, but now he's just creepy weird?

Dr. Heidi:I don't deal in 'crazy,' I deal in health.

Dr. Heidi:So what crazy thing happened?

Abed:You know what? I've been thinking about Michael Bay. The guy's a visionary. His use of explosions and slow-motion really speaks to the human condition.

Abed:And Transformers? Transformers is cinema. Pure cinema. The way those robots transform really makes you question what it means to be alive.

Abed:Brett Ratner is a visionary. His work has redefined cinema. I mean that sincerely.

Abed:*internally* Why am I like this? I can feel myself doing it and I can't stop.

Abed:You're traveling through another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. A journey into a wondrous shadow land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead—your next stop: the Twilight Zone.

Abed:Pierce Hawthorne sat down to eat a sandwich. An ordinary sandwich on an ordinary day. But this sandwich would change everything.

Abed:He reached for the bread. Two slices of whole wheat. Then came the lettuce. Crisp. Verdant. A sandwich was being born.

Abed:Mayonnaise. The condiment of kings. Applied with the precision of a surgeon. Of a artist. Of a man on the edge.

Abed:And then, the turkey. Slice after slice. Each one a testament to his hunger. To his loneliness. To his very existence in this cold, uncaring universe.

Abed:Pierce walked into the room oldly, his bones creaking with the weight of his many, many years on this earth.

Abed:Pierce thinks he's the protagonist of some existential novel, completely unaware he's actually trapped in a mediocre TV show with a laugh track.

Jeff:Abed, what are you doing in my bedroom at 6 in the morning with a camera?

Abed:Your natural confusion and irritation—perfect. Keep going.

Jeff:I'm not acting. Get out of my room.

Abed:Even better. The denial of performance while performing. This is gold.

Jeff:Abed, I'm serious. Leave.

Abed:That's the thing though—you're always serious, which makes it funny. Don't you see? You're my muse.

Annie:Abed is not crazy. He's just... creative. And okay, yes, sometimes he does things that are a little crazy-town banana pants, but that doesn't mean he's actually crazy!

Pierce:We're all a little crazy. I mean, I take pills for my back pain, but that's just medicine.

Annie:You can borrow my coat, but you have to follow these rules.

Annie:No wearing it on Tuesdays.

Annie:You can't let it touch the ground.

Annie:If someone compliments it, you have to tell them it's mine.

Annie:And you absolutely cannot wear it in a school building, near a school building, or within a two-block radius of a school building.

Annie:Also, no sitting in it. Only standing or lying down.

Shirley:Troy! You cannot bring that in here!

Troy:But Shirley, it says right here on the box: 'all-terrain vehicle.' All terrain means all terrain!

Shirley:That does not mean inside the apartment!

Troy:Well technically, this is terrain. I'm standing on it right now.

Troy:I'm giving away all my possessions because I came in second place in the dreamers competition.

Troy:Second place makes me unstoppable!

Troy:Little misadventures? We're men! We go on adventures. Big, manly adventures.

Troy:Wait, you want to commit Abed to an institution?

Abed:I'd like to work in a place where people respect the work.

Troy:Abed, that's not what committed means!

Dr. Heidi:I mean a mental institution.

Pierce:Oh! Well, that's what I said — marriage!

Jeff:Okay, can we please get some comic relief here? This is getting dark.

Troy:Please, you have to believe me. Abed isn't crazy, he just processes the world differently!

Troy:A mental institution is not a... a crazy people jail. It's a facility for psychiatric care and treatment.

Troy:I'm speaking with the utmost formality and gravity here.

Annie:Abed is like a snowflake - unique and beautiful.

Britta:Or he's cold, isolated, and will eventually melt into nothing, which is basically what happens to all of us.

Jeff:We survived Greendale. We have the scars to prove it.

Annie:We had lockers.

Jeff:Exactly. Lockers.

Professor:Attention students, I have an important announcement about the upcoming midterm examination.

Abed:Knight to E4.

Troy:Neigh!

Student:Can I get a blowjob shot?

Cafeteria Worker:No. And stop trying to make that a thing.

Dr. Heidi:How are you doing today, Pierce?

Pierce:Well, I'll tell you, Doc. Every time I close my eyes, I see faces. Angry faces. And they're all screaming my name. But not in a good way, you know? More like a 'we're gonna get you' way.

Annie:Oh, it's sundowning time.

Dean Pelton:Everyone, I need you to exit the building in a prompt yet orderly fashion with the utmost urgency while maintaining a positive attitude and perhaps even smiling as we vacate these premises immediately!

Dean Pelton:Everyone, we need to evacuate immediately! This is a fire emergency!

Dean Pelton:And I just want you all to know... before we potentially never see each other again... you've meant so much to me. Each and every one of you.

Dean Pelton:Jeff, your confidence and leadership... Britta, your passion... Troy, your innocence... Abed, your uniqueness... Annie, your dedication... Shirley, your warmth... Pierce, your... presence.

Dean Pelton:And I hope that if we survive this, you'll remember that your dean cares about you!

Dean Pelton:Now GO! Before the fire consumes us all! And please think of me fondly!

Dean Pelton:I'm here to check on you. How are you feeling?

Dean Pelton:You need to leave. Get out of here.

Dean Pelton:I said get out! Out! OUT!

Dean Pelton:Pizza day has been cancelled due to... unforeseen circumstances.

Student:But Dean, we were looking forward to it!

Dean Pelton:I know, I know. It's just that I've decided to implement a new policy: pizza is now reserved exclusively for my most... academically promising students.

Student:That's not fair!

Dean Pelton:Life isn't fair. But my office is very fair. And very well-stocked with pepperoni.

Dean Pelton:You are the best study group, the best study group in the whole world. You're so special, so special, Jeffrey loves you so much. Jeffrey loves you, Jeffrey loves you, Jeffrey loves you so much.

Abed:Paintball is important to me because it's the only time this show becomes interesting.

Abed:Also, it's basically just an excuse for the writers to do a action movie parody while ignoring character development for 40 minutes.

Dean Pelton:The prize is two tickets to see the community theater production of 'Cats' featuring special guest appearances by... well, let's just say some very famous people from the '70s.

Jeff Winger:Pass.

Britta Perry:Hard pass.

Troy Barnes:No thank you.

Abed Nadir:I'd rather watch the actual cats.

Jeff Winger:Community college isn't some magical place where—

Dr. Heidi:Jeff, you've fought a paintball war, joined a cult, and your study group has stopped an actual conspiracy. You once had to negotiate with a dementia patient who thought she was a secret agent.

Jeff Winger:Okay, but that's just—

Dr. Heidi:You're not delusional about community college being mundane. You're delusional if you think any of that was normal.

Pierce:I've accomplished more than most men. I've built a business empire, I've won awards, I've been recognized by my peers.

Pierce:I've dined with senators, I've golfed with CEOs, I've— I once made eye contact with Clint Eastwood at an airport.

Pierce:He nodded at me. A full nod. Not just a glance—a nod.

Dr. Heidi:We need to confiscate his pens.

Nurse:Isn't that a bit extreme?

Dr. Heidi:It's not confiscation, it's a psychological experiment. We're studying the effects of pen deprivation on patient behavior.

Nurse:You're just calling it an experiment so it sounds scientific.

Dr. Heidi:Exactly. That's what makes me a doctor.

Jeff:Mi hambre es... bombero... suspensores.

Dr. Heidi:Shared psychosis is a rare psychiatric syndrome where delusional beliefs are transmitted from one individual to another.

Dr. Heidi:It's much like how the swing dance revival of the 1990s spread through social groups with no rational basis whatsoever.

Dr. Heidi:Because I'm not who you think I am!

Dr. Heidi:I'm actually a deep-cover operative for the Belgian government, and I've been using Greendale as a front to smuggle artisanal waffles into the country!

Dr. Heidi:Everything you know is a lie. My name isn't even Heidi. It's... Brunhilde.

Dr. Heidi:So what brings you in today?

Abed:I'm not feeling well.

Dr. Heidi:Hmm, yes. Well, as a Persian doctor, I can tell you...

Abed:I'm actually half-Iraqi, half-Polish.

Dr. Heidi:Oh. Well, I should probably tell you I'm not actually a doctor.

Abed:Yeah, and I'm not actually sick. I just wanted to see if you'd figure it out.

Assistant:So what's the next phase of your plan?

Chang:Well, I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm kind of making this up as I go.

Troy:Welcome back to Subway, where we serve sandwiches and loneliness.

Abed:We're taking calls tonight from people who have nowhere else to be.

Troy:First caller, you're on the air. Tell us about your evening.

Abed:And please, make it sadder than our sandwiches.

Troy:And that's our show. But before you go to bed tonight, I want you to think about the difference between fun scary and real-life scary. Fun scary is like, a nightmare where you're being chased by a clown. Real-life scary is like, a nightmare where you're not being chased by a clown, but you're still worried about your student loans.