Spanish 101

Dean Pelton:Attention Greendale students, we have wonderful news! One lucky student has won an all-expenses-paid cruise!

Dean Pelton:They'll be leaving immediately in a vehicle with flashing lights. Congratulations!

Dean Pelton:We're reporting on a debate about the library PA system volume... over the PA system.

Abed:You know, the Dean's announcements are exactly like a TV show. And now I'm going to break the fourth wall by acknowledging that I'm breaking the fourth wall.

Shirley:Did you just say 'retardo'? Abed, I'm so sorry.

Abed:What? Why are you apologizing to me?

Shirley:Well, that word is offensive!

Abed:It just means late in Spanish.

Shirley:Oh. Oh my God, I thought... I'm an idiot.

Britta:Jeff is retarded.

Abed:Hey, that's offensive.

Britta:What? He's late.

Abed:I know, but you can't say that word anymore. It's insensitive.

Pierce:Jeff, we have a brotherly connection.

Jeff:Pierce, you're like 30 years older than me.

Pierce:So?

Jeff:So that makes 'brotherly bathing' creepy.

Pierce:What? Why would Jeff avoid us because of me?

Shirley:Pierce, you say incredibly offensive things all the time.

Pierce:That's just how I talk!

Troy:Yeah, and it's terrible.

Pierce:Well, nobody's perfect.

Abed:You're more imperfect than most.

Britta:Journalists are being killed in Guatemala.

Jeff:What?

Abed:Where did that come from?

Britta:I was just... I read something. It's important to stay informed about global issues.

Troy:Okay, but we were talking about something completely different.

Britta:Well, maybe we should be talking about Guatemala!

Jeff:Abed, reality doesn't work like TV. You can't just avoid real news because you're afraid of spoilers.

Abed:But what if I want to experience Guatemala's political crisis as it unfolds naturally, without prior knowledge of major plot points?

Jeff:That's not how the real world works.

Abed:Exactly. Which is why it's a poorly written show.

Jeff:Hey everyone.

Troy:Jeff! Welcome! We've been waiting for you!

Abed:The prophecy foretold of your arrival.

Britta:We prepared a 21-gun salute, but we only had air guns.

Annie:And possibly our screams.

Shirley:Welcome to Narnia, Mr. Tumnus!

Pierce:We've hung your portrait in the great hall.

Jeff:My life is like an empty filing cabinet. Completely organized, but with nothing in it.

Jeff:I need notes to fill my empty folder.

Jeff:A C is fine. Actually, a C is my target grade.

Pierce:There's no greeting card for this. It's like if a Transformer got turned into a Torah, and someone had to read it out loud at a bar mitzvah.

Britta:You're cute, but you're also selfish and narcissistic.

Jeff:Cute? Thanks!

Pierce:Come on, Jeff. It'll be great. Just us guys. A real sausage fest.

Jeff:Pierce, I appreciate the offer, but I'm gonna have to pass.

Pierce:Why? What's wrong with spending time with me?

Jeff:Nothing's wrong. It's just... I have other plans.

Pierce:No, you don't. I can tell when you're lying. Your face does that thing.

Jeff:What thing?

Pierce:That thing where you look like you'd rather be anywhere else.

Jeff:I'm looking at you like that right now, Pierce. That's not a lie tell. That's just my face when we talk.

Annie:You're like those activist actresses who care more about the cause than how they look.

Britta:Thank you. I think that's beautiful. I'd rather be known for my passion and authenticity than my appearance.

Annie:Yeah, that really shows.

Chang:You expect me to teach you calculus, chemistry, biology... Oh, and I suppose you want me to build you a Great Wall of China in the courtyard too?

Chang:You want to know my Spanish nickname? It's because in high school, I was so fast at everything. I ran track, I was quick with my comebacks, I even finished my tests before anyone else. The teachers would say, 'Chang, you're like lightning!' So they started calling me 'El Rápido.' But that's not even the best part. One time, I ate an entire burrito in like thirty seconds flat. Thirty seconds! So from that day on, everyone just called me that. El Rápido. The fastest guy in school.

Chang:Don't question me. I will bite you.

Chang:I WILL BITE YOU.

Chang:I WILL BITE YOU SO HARD.

Chang:Your name is not 'Star Burns.' Your name is Alex. Alex, do you understand? I will not tolerate this disrespect in my classroom. You will go by your given name, not some ridiculous nickname based on your sideburns.

Star Burns:But sir, everyone calls me Star Burns.

Chang:I don't care if everyone calls you Star Burns, Comet Eyebrows, or Asteroid Face. In this room, you are Alex.

Abed:I need to wear your shirt right now.

Jeff:Why?

Abed:Because I'm going to get paint on mine, and I need to look cool doing it.

Jeff:I didn't rig the partner selection.

Jeff:Okay, fine, I traded some cards. But what are the odds? What are the odds?

Pierce:You believe me, don't you Shirley?

Shirley:Oh, of course I do, Pierce. I just... I have a lot of questions.

Jeff:Pierce, can we just focus on the Spanish homework for a second?

Pierce:But Jeff, do you think I matter? Do you think I'm worth anything to this group?

Pierce:Jeff, let it go. Britta's like the water filter brand — nobody thinks about her, she just quietly ruins everything.

Pierce:We need to think about this more carefully. What if the assignment is a test of our cultural sensitivity?

Jeff:Oh my God.

Britta:This is really touching.

Unknown:What do you mean? We're beating a piñata of a murdered journalist.

Britta:I know. It's touching that we're all coming together like this.

Jeff:So I turned in my Spanish assignment, and Professor Espinosa marked it up with comments like 'unclear,' 'awkward phrasing,' 'this doesn't make sense,' and finally, at the bottom, just 'No.'

Pierce:What is this, some kind of protest?

Pierce:Well, I'm protesting too! Jeff called me old yesterday and I'm very offended!

Pierce:We should all just stand here silently and let him know how angry we are.

Pierce:You know what, Jeff? I've had it with your attitude. You think you're so smart, so superior to everyone else in this room.

Pierce:Well let me tell you something. My sperm is hyper-virile. And if you keep pushing me, I'm gonna... I'm gonna come at you with my hyper-virile sperm!

Jeff:Pierce, this is important. We need to treat this project with the respect it deserves.

Pierce:It's a Spanish assignment, Jeff.

Jeff:Exactly. And we're going to perform it like it's a Shakespearean tragedy. With passion. With conviction.

Pierce:It's two minutes long and we're just supposed to order food at a restaurant.

Jeff:Two minutes of pure theatrical gold. This could change people's lives, Pierce. Or at least get us a B-minus.

Chang:Why are you all dressed up like that? It's just a simple assignment.

Pierce:Simple? Chang, we're not just doing this assignment, we're doing it with style. We're going to knock their socks off. This is going to be the best presentation this school has ever seen.

Chang:You know what? F is not enough. I'm giving you all a Z-minus.

Chang:Wait, did I say Z-minus or did I say something else?

Pierce:You know what your problem is, Jeff? You're always performing. Always trying to be the funniest guy in the room. But real humor comes from vulnerability, not from trying to impress everyone with clever observations.

Jeff:Coming from you, that's rich.

Pierce:I'm serious. You hide behind that charm and those perfectly timed zingers because you're afraid people won't like the real you. It's exhausting to watch, honestly.