Basic Human Anatomy

Jeff:Group assignments are impossible. Everyone wants to do their own thing.

Britta:That's just herd mentality. We're all subconsciously trying to separate ourselves from the group to establish individual identity, which ironically makes us more like each other.

Jeff:Or maybe people just suck.

Britta:See, that's the real herd mentality talking.

Britta:It's just herd mentality. Everyone's doing it, so everyone else wants to do it.

Jeff:Anyway, so I was thinking we could all grab lunch at that new place downtown.

Jeff:Does anyone have any project ideas?

Pierce:I once knew a man who could whistle like a bird. He died.

Jeff:Kennedy was assassinated in 1963.

Pierce:That's what I said.

Jeff:No, you said he was shot in the '70s.

Pierce:Same difference.

Jeff:A decade is not the same difference, Pierce. Does anyone else remember basic history, or is it just me?

Shirley:I remember it.

Jeff:Thank you. See? Shirley remembers. Why doesn't anyone else remember?

Troy:I wasn't paying attention.

Jeff:You weren't— it's Kennedy! It's in every textbook! Are you all okay? Should I be concerned?

Professor:Your reading assignment is chapters 1 through 47... or whatever... Professsooorrr...

Annie:We both agree that—

Shirley:Whoa, whoa, whoa. 'We'? Annie, the word is 'I.' I-N-C-L-U-S-I-V-E pronouns. Look it up.

Pierce:I'm not hearing a no.

Jeff:That's because you're not listening. You just said that exact same line two seconds ago.

Annie:So, one year anniversary today!

Troy:Anniversary of what?

Britta:Yeah, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Annie:You two. You've been dating for a year.

Troy:We're not dating.

Britta:We broke up like six months ago.

Troy:Oh! Right, the anniversary! I was just... testing you.

Britta:Yeah, and I was going to surprise you, but now you've ruined it by reminding me that I also forgot.

Troy:So we're both terrible?

Britta:Spectacularly terrible.

Jeff:So Troy and Britta are dating? That's... interesting. I mean, I didn't know Britta was only dating one person at a time.

Troy:Wait, you remember our Freaky Friday anniversary?

Britta:And we forgot ours?

Abed:It was three years ago today.

Troy:How do you remember that?

Britta:We've been dating for two years!

Abed:Freaky Friday, The Change-Up, 13 Going on 30... and Judge Reinhold in Trading Places.

Troy:Judge Reinhold wasn't in Trading Places.

Abed:I know.

Britta:Why would you say that?

Abed:Thank you. That was... adequate. You have successfully demonstrated emotional reciprocity. I will now reciprocate by saying... I appreciate the... gesture.

Troy:I wish I had your pop culture knowledge.

Abed:I wish I had your singing voice.

Troy:No, you do.

Abed:No, you do.

Troy:No, you do!

Abed:No, you do!

Troy:No, YOU do!

Abed:No, YOU do!

Troy:I wish I had your life!

Abed:I wish I had your life!

Troy:Blarghhh wrble skrweee!

Abed:Blarghhh wrble skrweee!

Janitor:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. One of you guys need to mop up the bathroom. There's a... a puddle situation, and I'm not gonna say it's urine, but I'm also not gonna say it's not urine.

Abed:I can't believe the body switch didn't work. I was really looking forward to being Jeff for a day.

Jeff:Yeah, what a tragedy. You would've spent the day looking in the mirror and asking people if you were attractive.

Britta:Happy anniversary!

Troy:Thank you. I have processed your salutation and am returning the appropriate social response.

Abed:I'm wrinkling my brain trying to remember what Troy would say in this big important meeting.

Jeff:Look, Annie, we're not really 'effort' people. We do the bare minimum, coast through life, take what we can—

Jeff:—and CRUSH anyone who gets in our way! Destroy them! Leave them weeping!

Jeff:Leonard's the valedictorian front-runner? The guy's like 80 years old. What's he gonna do at graduation, die?

Annie:Actually, I'm third. You're second.

Shirley:What?

Annie:That's what 'respectively' means.

Troy:Wait, why am I sitting here?

Abed:I was about to ask you the same thing.

Troy:I think I just... automatically sat down without thinking.

Abed:Yeah, me too. Force of habit.

Troy:So we're both just doing things without being aware of it.

Abed:Apparently.

Troy:We've been pretending to be a married couple.

Abed:It started as a bit.

Troy:But then it became real.

Abed:We were going to tell you.

Troy:We're so glad you know.

Abed:This is such a relief.

Jeff:Unfortunately yes. You two are dorks.

Annie:I'm just saying, I worked really hard on this project and I deserve an A.

Shirley:Well, I also worked really hard, and God knows I deserve one too.

Annie:Yeah, but I color-coded my notes AND my highlighters.

Shirley:I laminated mine. I laminated them, Annie.

Annie:Okay, that's... that's actually really organized.

Shirley:Thank you. You too. With the... colors.

Jeff:So Troy's dating Britta, and Abed's dating Troy?

Jeff:Pierce, I need you to handle the supply closet inventory.

Pierce:Sure, Jeff. Even if I die in there, at least I'll go doing something meaningful.

Britta:I'm an almost therapist. Well, not almost qualified, but almost a therapist. I've taken like one class.

Jeff:I need the Dean.

Dean:Oh my god, finally!

Dean Pelton:Oh, body-switching movies! Yes! Those are so fun and imaginative. The creativity, the hijinks, the fish-out-of-water scenarios... *chef's kiss* Simply delightful!

Jeff:Wait, what are you doing here?

Janitor:Routine light switch check.

Jeff:That makes no sense. We're in the Dean's office. There's a light switch right there. You walked past it to get here.

Janitor:Yeah, well, you got a better explanation for why I'm here?

Jeff:No, but I have a worse one, and it involves the Dean's body and my body somehow switching places, which is impossible, so your light switch check is actually the more credible scenario.

Dean:I can't believe this is happening. Do you know how many lawsuits this could expose the college to?

Jeff:Dean, you're freaking out. Just calm down and think rationally for once in your life.

Dean:Oh, that's rich coming from you, Jeff. You've never thought rationally about anything.

Jeff:Okay, wait. Stop. This is insane. We're just doing a body-swap episode? On a Friday? This is the kind of thing that happens in a season finale or a very special episode, not a random Friday.

Dean:Jeff, you're not actually holding a phone.

Troy:I'm like pick-up sticks of people.

Video Store Guy:That'll be $12.99.

Troy:John Mc-Lame.

Video Store Guy:What?

Troy:I'm calling you John Mc-Lame because you're lame, like John McClane, but lame.

Video Store Guy:I would rather watch a napkin for two hours than watch the Die Hard trailer.

Troy:I can't think of a synonym for hungry. I just want another word for wanting food.

Jeff:This is clearly the director's cut.

Troy:Actually, that's the theatrical release. The director's cut has an additional 12 minutes of footage that was removed for pacing reasons. Plus, you can tell by the color grading and the aspect ratio that this is the 2.35:1 widescreen format, not the 1.85:1 that was used in theaters.

Jeff:Troy, look. I know you're committed to this bit, but we need to talk about the third act structure here. You're stretching out the denouement. We've hit our plot point, the audience is way ahead of us, and frankly, your commitment to this bit is killing the pacing.

Jeff:So here's my pitch: we do a hard cut to black, roll credits, and pretend this never happened. It's bold, it's subversive, and most importantly, it gets us out of this before someone gets hurt.

Troy:Jeff, I'm not—

Jeff:No, no, hear me out. It's very Bresson. Very experimental. The audience will think it's a statement.

Troy:That's a terrible movie.

Troy:But I'm gonna stay in character anyway because I'm a professional.

Dean Pelton:Annie, Shirley, welcome! What can I do for you?

Annie:Dean, we need to talk to you about something.

Shirley:It's pretty serious.

Dean Pelton:Oh my God, you want to look at my body, don't you? I knew this day would come. Well, the answer is yes, but we need to establish some ground rules first.

Jeff:It's not a bad time, you look like Gollum's shadow, and it's half past suck.

Dean:That's hilarious! I'm laughing at being insulted. Wait, is that weird? That's creepy, right?

Dean Pelton:Leonard's GPA is perfect? How is that possible? Let me check what classes he's taking.

Dean Pelton:Ah, here we go. He's enrolled in... 'Introduction to Basket Weaving: A Historical Perspective, 1968.'

Dean Pelton:That explains everything. That class hasn't been updated since the Vietnam War.

Annie:I will destroy him.

Shirley:*gasps*

Jeff:Look, I'm just going to be honest with you. I have no idea what you're doing half the time.

Dean:That's the point, Jeff.

Troy:Wait, you're getting a tattoo? Where?

Britta:It's... it's a Greenpeace logo. On my ankle.

Troy:A Greenpeace logo? Britta, that's awesome!

Britta:Yeah, well, I've been planning it for like three years.

Troy:Three years? Why haven't you gotten it yet?

Britta:Because I'm terrified of needles! Okay? There, I said it. I'm a fraud. I care about the environment but I can't even commit to a tiny tattoo about it.

Troy:Hey, we're looking for the janitor.

Janitor:Ah, you've arrived at last. The Duke's emissary and his young squire. I've been expecting you these many moons. The kingdom teeters on the brink of civil war, and only you can restore peace by retrieving the sacred chalice from the Tower of Darkness.

Jeff:What are you doing?

Janitor:Role-playing. It's called imagination, Jeffrey. You should try it sometime instead of just standing there looking handsome and stupid.

Leonard:I've solved our ranking problem.

Annie:If you don't rank me first, I'm posting those nose job before photos online.

Leonard:Those were supposed to be confidential!

Jeff:That's it. I'm done. I'm resigning from the human race.

Dean:You can't resign from here, Jeff. This is a load-bearing junk pile. If you leave, the whole thing collapses.

Jeff:You know what I realized? Troy and Abed... they had the courage to commit to something, even knowing it might not work out. That takes real strength. Most people are too afraid to even try.

Troy:Okay, I'm done. This has to end.

Abed:What are you talking about?

Troy:The body switch. I'm switching us back.

Abed:But I like being you.

Troy:Well, I don't like being you!

Abed:Blarghlarghlarghlarghargh!

Troy:Blarghlarghlarghlarghargh!

Janitor:You're gonna need a lot more than soap and water to clean up this mess.

Annie:Wait, you did the entire project yourself?

Pierce:That's right. Took me twenty minutes.

Annie:Twenty minutes?! But these banners are perfect!

Pierce:Well, I did them in my sleep. So technically, negative twenty minutes.

Dean Pelton:Jeffrey, I need you inside of me.

Jeff:Whoa, whoa, whoa—

Dean Pelton:I need Jeffrey inside of me to know what I did wrong.

Jeff:You could just... ask me.

Dean Pelton:But I need you inside of me, Jeffrey. Deep inside of me.

Troy:Hey guys, what's up? Just doing some... normal guy stuff. You know, like, uh, sports. And... cars. Big trucks with guns on them.

Troy:I was just thinking about how much I love... beer. And punching things. Punching beer things.