The Science of Illusion

Dean Pelton:Attention everyone, it's April Fool's Day.

Dean Pelton:Just kidding, it's March 15th. You've been pranked!

Dean Pelton:Good morning, Greendale Community College. This is your Dean with today's announcements. Please ensure all library materials are returned by Friday. The cafeteria will be serving meatloaf on Thursday. And remember, as Howard Stern once said, 'Stay classy.'

Dean Pelton:Leonard, I'm going to have to put you on the Exclusionary Discipline Matrix.

Dean Pelton:Alright everyone, listen up. Here are the official prank guidelines for Greendale Community College. All pranks must be filed in triplicate, submitted to the Dean's office for approval, and conform to our new Prank Diversity Initiative to ensure equal opportunity mischief across all student demographics.

Jeff:That's the thing — there is no good college comedy.

Abed:You're the buddy cop movie. She's the buddy cop movie. One of you will die in the third act to motivate the other.

Annie:What? No!

Abed:It's the only way the genre works.

Annie:No, I'd be the badass. I'd be the one doing all the crazy stuff while you're worried about the consequences.

Annie:I'd be kicking down doors and shooting things. You'd be the one going, 'Annie, we have to follow protocol!'

Pierce:I've decided to finally take that pottery class I've always talked about.

Jeff:...

Britta:...

Troy:...

Pierce:I know, I know. It's a lot to take in. A man of my stature, finally pursuing his passion. You're all probably thinking, 'Pierce, this changes everything we know about you.' Well, let it sink in. Bask in this moment.

Pierce:I'm on a salt water and honey diet. You swallow it and it just... well, it goes down smooth.

Pierce:Not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean, swallowing things. It's a natural bodily function.

Pierce:When I become a vampire, I'll have superhuman strength, speed, and the ability to turn into a bat.

Abed:Plus 10 strength, plus 15 speed, bat transformation unlocked. Fatality.

Abed:What about combat bonuses?

Pierce:Well, you get a +2 to your attack roll if you have the high ground. It's basic tactical advantage.

Pierce:You know, unlike your fashion sense, which has no advantage at any elevation.

Jeff:How fast can you run to the store?

Abed:Four minutes and thirty-seven seconds.

Jeff:Okay, I need you to go get me something.

Abed:Say no more.

Britta:Wait, wait, wait. Do we really think it's ethical to prank Pierce? I mean, has anyone considered how this might affect his self-esteem? Pranking someone without their informed consent is basically a violation of their autonomy.

Britta:Wait, isn't this a little unethical? I mean, we're messing with someone's livelihood.

Jeff:You know what I've noticed? Every time we're about to do something fun, you show up and point out why we shouldn't. It's a pattern.

Britta:That's not fair...

Jeff:No, it is. You make everything less fun. That's kind of your thing.

Jeff:Britta's like a vampire. She doesn't just suck, she literally sucks.

Britta:I don't even drink blood!

Jeff:I know. That's how bad you are at it.

Jeff:Oh, I can see Britta doesn't approve.

Britta:What? No, I think it's—

Jeff:Your face says disapproval. Your mouth says something else, but your face is a liar.

Security Chief Cacchione:By the power vested in me, I hereby deputize you as official Campus Security. Here is your official equipment.

Security Chief Cacchione:These are genuine, regulation-issue Campus Security windbreakers. Well, they're from a clearance bin at Target, but we had them embroidered.

Security Chief:This whistle is standard issue for all security personnel.

Annie:How does it work?

Security Chief:You blow into it.

Shirley:Ow! Why would you just blow it like that?!

Security Chief:I've distributed the pepper spray to all campus security personnel for standard crowd control protocols.

Security Chief:I keep a personal canister in my jacket for grocery shopping. You never know when someone's going to cut in front of you at the deli counter.

Annie:I'm a badass.

Shirley:Annie, you organized your colored pencils by hue last week.

Abed:You're both wrong. In buddy cop movies, the tough guy and the responsible guy are always at odds until they realize they need each other. You two have already accepted that dynamic. So you're not subverting the trope, you're fulfilling it. Which means neither of you is the badass—you're just playing assigned roles in a narrative you don't control.

Abed:I'm not following you. I'm just going to the same places you are.

Abed:Also, I'm doing a bit where I provide running commentary on mundane situations to make them seem more cinematic.

Britta:So I switched the regular coffee with decaf, and then when everyone drinks it, they'll think they're getting caffeine, but they're not, so it's like a reversal of expectations, which is the basis of all humor, right? It's deconstructing the notion of what we think coffee is supposed to do...

Jeff:That's... that's great, Britta. Really groundbreaking stuff.

Jeff:Okay Pierce, if you can really read minds, what am I thinking right now?

Pierce:You're thinking... that I'm full of it.

Jeff:Lucky guess.

Pierce:No, I'm reading your aura. It's very skeptical.

Pierce:It's not a cookie, it's a wand. A wand made of licorice that I've been saving since 1987.

Pierce:I got it from a wizard named Cornelius at a Renaissance fair in Portland. He told me it had real magical properties.

Pierce:The reason it looks like a cookie is because Cornelius enchanted it to appear as one to protect it from nonbelievers like you people.

Pierce:Also, I've been licking it occasionally to maintain the spell, which is why it's sticky and has bite marks.

Pierce:I am officially the coolest person in this room.

Britta:Okay, so I put the frog in the hat, and when someone puts it on, the frog just... sits there. Is that funny? Tell me that's funny. Please tell me that's funny. I need this to be funny. Why isn't anyone laughing? This is definitely going to work, right? Right?

Security Chief:We have a situation. Britta's prank resulted in what appears to be a homicide.

Dean Pelton:Officer, please, we need to keep this quiet. Greendale's reputation is already fragile.

Police Officer:Fragile? Sir, your school's reputation is so bad, this murder might actually improve it.

Annie:Hi, I'm Annie Edison, I'm the student security monitor here.

Annie:I know what you're thinking—'Can we trust her?'—and the answer is yes, because I have OCD, and I'm also on three different anti-anxiety medications, so I'm actually very careful about rules.

Annie:This is Shirley. She's a devout Christian who bakes.

Shirley:I'm also a single mother, I run a business, and I have a master's degree.

Annie:Yeah, but mostly the baking thing.

Annie:We're a couple of loose cannons who don't play by the rules.

Shirley:I'm gonna rip out your spinal cord and use it as a belt.

Dean Pelton:Effective immediately, April Fool's Day is banned from Greendale Community College.

Dean Pelton:However, to avoid any legal complications, we will be observing a mandatory 'Opposite Day' on April 2nd, where everyone must do the opposite of what they normally do.

Dean Pelton:This way, if anyone tries to pull a prank, they'll just be acting normal, which is the opposite of a prank, so technically no pranks will occur.

Dean Pelton:Who could have done this?

Pierce:It wasn't me!

Dean Pelton:Pierce, you're wearing a fake mustache and a trench coat.

Pierce:A DISGUISE!

Pierce apparently making strange faces or gestures Someone's concerned interpretation of his behavior

Dean Pelton:Chang, you're not a suspect. We know you couldn't have done it because you were busy doing something else that day.

Chang:Wait, what? How do you know what I was doing? That's private!

Glenda:My son had the most profound dream. He told me about it just before he passed.

Glenda:He dreamed he was a transparent man made of glass, and he could see all his organs working inside him.

Glenda:But the weird part? His spleen was playing the saxophone.

Jeff:This is all your fault, Britta. You killed the buzz.

Britta:Killed the buzz? I didn't kill anything.

Jeff:Really? Because last week you literally killed that frog in biology class.

Abed:Star-burns barely shows up anymore. It's like he's not even trying.

Annie:Well, maybe if his sideburns were any more attention-seeking, he'd actually be here.

Annie:I'll go Shirley on you.

Shirley:What does that mean?

Annie:I don't know, you were crazy in high school.

Annie:Hello?

Caller:Ms. Edison, I have some information about the Dean's misconduct...

Annie:Who is this?

Caller:Someone who wishes to remain anonymous. *speaks in obviously fake deep voice* I am a mysterious stranger with secrets.

Annie:Is that you, Troy?

Troy:*voice cracks* No! I mean... no.

Annie:Oh my God, Jeff! There are tiny mariachi sombreros in your bag! And little golden trumpets! Miniature maracas with authentic hand-painted details! A complete set of perfectly scaled serapes!

Annie:Stop right there, Jeff! I have pepper spray and I'm not afraid to use it!

Jeff:Annie, come on, it's not that serious.

Annie:Oh, it's serious. You borrowed my notes and never gave them back. That's a serious infraction.

Annie:This is your fault! You're so old, you remember when the Dead Sea was just sick.

Shirley:Oh please, Annie. You're so young, you think a 401k is a parking space.

Annie:You're so old, your first email was on a stone tablet.

Shirley:You're so young, you think vinyl is what your parents' couch is made of.

Abed:Jeff just did a barrel roll down the stairs and army-crawled into the library. That's not an escape, that's a cry for help.

Abed:I'm walking into your precinct right now, and I'm very disappointed. You two were a great team, and now look at you. I'm taking your badges and your guns. You're off the case. And frankly, I don't even want to see your faces around the station house anymore. You're suspended. Indefinitely.

Abed:You think you're tough? You're not tough. You're a stereotype. A walking, talking cliché. And the worst part? You've reduced yourselves to nothing but bad caricatures of actual badasses. You're not dangerous—you're pathetic.

Shirley:We really messed this up. I mean, look at Abed out there.

Shirley:He's doing that thing where he's the quirky sidekick who says inappropriate things but everyone loves him anyway.

Jeff:Britta, how could you? You're like Britta Benedict Arnold.

Britta:That doesn't even make sense.

Jeff:Neither do you, but here we are.

Jeff:Did you see what I did there? Benedict Arnold? That's a deep cut. Most people wouldn't even get that reference.

Pierce:I'm telling you, I have psychic powers. I can see things. I had a vision that the killer was a man with delicate wrists who wore a ascot and spoke with a lisp.

Jeff:Pierce, that's not psychic. That's just a gay stereotype.

Pierce:Well, what do you know? You're not psychic.

Annie:Jeff, where were you last night? I need an alibi.

Jeff:Your mama's alibi.

Britta:Okay, okay, I've got a joke for you guys. Why did the cancer patient refuse chemotherapy?

Jeff:I don't know, why?

Britta:Because he heard Britta was going to be in the room next door and he figured he'd rather just die.

Pierce:I don't deserve these mystical items. I'm not worthy.

Abed:Pierce, that's not a meteor wand. It's a Cookie Crisp cookie.

Pierce:What? But I've been carrying it around for weeks!

Abed:I don't actually know what Cookie Crisp is. I was just trying to impress Jeff.

Jeff:Britta, you know what I like about you? You're like a human participation trophy.

Jeff:You show up, and everyone's like, 'Well, at least she tried.'

Jeff:Also, your hair today is really... there. It exists in space.

Abed:This is a clip of Jeff that reduces him to his most superficial characteristics.

Troy:Wow, that's just a mirror.

Jeff:So you guys need cameras for your show?

Troy:Yeah, we're making a pilot.

Abed:It's pretty much unwatchable.

Troy:Total garbage.