Basic Genealogy

Jeff:I invited my mom to meet someone.

Jeff:I've been telling her I'm a successful lawyer.

Abed:That's blood curdlingly adorable.

Character:We need to talk.

Jeff:Oh god. Is this a breakup? Are you breaking up with me?

Character:What? No.

Jeff:Oh thank god.

Jeff:I have this weird fear of twins, you know? Like, they finish each other's—

Britta:Pie.

Jeff:What?

Britta:They finish each other's pie. That's what scared you?

Shirley:At least my kids recognize me. Your eggs expired so long ago, they need carbon dating.

Unknown:What does your female cousin look like?

Abed:Halle Berry.

Unknown:Really?

Abed:No. Halle Berry looks like me in drag.

Britta:You really need to cherish your elderly relatives while you still have them. Life is short, and you never know when they'll be gone.

Troy:That's good advice, Britta. You're wrong about literally everything else, but you're right about this.

Shirley:Oh honey, I know you're hurting right now, but you're going to get through this. I'm here for you.

Shirley:You know what? We're going to get revenge. I've got a dead bird in my freezer from last week, and I know exactly where she parks her car.

Troy:You're like a machine that only wants one thing.

Troy:The Booty-nator.

Abed:So your 'booty-nator' detects bootys within a five-mile radius?

Troy:Exactly! It's foolproof.

Abed:But how does it differentiate between a human booty and, say, a donkey?

Troy:It... it just knows.

Pierce:Does it work on pirates?

Abed:Why would pirates—

Pierce:Because I want some booty. The snack mix. From the store.

Jeff:You know what they say about community college girls... the odds are ever in your favor. Statistically speaking, there are more women here than men, which means mathematically, I'm basically a celebrity.

Pierce:It's a small world.

Jeff:It's not that small. I know lots of girls.

Annie:Oh no, what happened? Did she reject you?

Jeff:She didn't reject me. She just... wasn't interested.

Annie:Right, so she rejected you. That's so sad. Do you want me to call you a cab?

Jeff:I'm not drunk.

Annie:No, a cab to take you home. You look terrible.

Jeff:So how'd it go with Amber?

Annie:Oh Jeff, I'm so sorry.

Jeff:That bad, huh? The booty-nator strikes again.

Annie:You'll get 'em next time.

Shirley:Okay, kids, we're playing a security game. I'm the Homeland Security officer.

Elijah:What level are we at?

Shirley:We're at orange. That means be alert.

Jordan:What about red?

Shirley:Red means run around screaming.

Elijah:We're at red.

Shirley:No, we're not!

Jordan:We're at red.

Shirley:Oh my God, hello Gubi! I'm so happy to meet you!

Abed:That's not a greeting, Shirley. That's my father's name.

Shirley:Oh! I'm so sorry. You're so... you're like a black ghost.

Pierce:I've been married seven times. I have thirty-two stepchildren. I can't remember all their names, so I just call the ones I like 'sport' and the rest of them 'buddy.'

Jeff:But his son with a bluetooth headset definitely is

Jeff:You guys are my family. My real family.

Britta:That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.

Troy:Yeah, dude, that's sad.

Abed:Your delivery was bad and you should feel bad.

Annie:We're not your family, Jeff. We're your friends. There's a difference.

Shirley:And frankly, that comparison is insulting to families everywhere.

Pierce:I've heard better sentiments from a Hallmark card written by a depressed robot.

Chang:Look, my family situation is complicated, okay? My twin brother and I, we had a very close relationship in the womb. In fact, you could say I absorbed him. Literally. I'm not proud of it, but it happened.

Pierce:I'm not saying I've never paid for sex. I'm saying the women I pay for sex are not prostitutes.

Pierce:They're more like my stepdaughter.

Pierce:Well, they were my stepdaughter. We got divorced.

Jeff:So you want me to seduce your girlfriend so you can break up with her?

Jeff:It's like those doe eyes of hers are Bambi, and I'm the hunter, and I just shot his mother. Except the hunter feels worse than the deer.

Britta:Your skin is so... smooth. Do you use a special moisturizer?

Nana:Why, thank you dear. I use cocoa butter. Say, how often do you have sex?

Troy:A switch is a thin stick or branch used for hitting people, usually as punishment. It's not a light switch, Britta.

Troy:Remember when you said, 'I'm not afraid of your grandmother'? Yeah, that was adorable.

Chang's brother:Why would you call yourself 'Ben Chang'? That's just your name.

Chang:It's not just my name, okay? It's a BRAND. Ben Chang is a man of mystery, a man of intrigue, a man who—

Chang's brother:You're a community college student.

Chang:A MYSTERIOUS community college student.

Shirley:A burka is a religious garment worn by some Muslim women. It's like how some of you wear hoodies – it's just what they choose to wear for their faith.

Abed:My father says your mother's cooking is worse than the food at the airport.

Abed:My cousin says at least his mother doesn't dress like she's still living in 1987.

Abed:My father says that's rich coming from someone who still uses a flip phone.

Abed:My cousin says he uses a flip phone because at least he has something that actually closes, unlike your father's mouth.

Pierce:So this guy gets kicked out of the band, right? And the lead singer says, 'You need to get out.' So the guy's like, 'What do you mean?' And he says, 'Get out.' And the guy's confused, thinking it's some profound statement about life. But no—they literally just wanted him to leave the room.

Jeff:I can't stay, I have to... I have a thing with my... boyfriend.

Amber:Your boyfriend?

Jeff:Yes, my boyfriend. His name is... Marcus. And he's very sick. With... gay stuff.

Britta:Your grandmother sounds amazing. That kind of old-fashioned discipline and structure... there's something so pure about it.

Troy:My mom said white people would eventually fetishize that stuff.

Pierce:That's a giraffe. No wait, a spaceship. Actually, it's a penis.

Jeff:It's a house, Pierce.

Pierce:Well that's gay.

Cop:So we're here investigating what appears to be a serious Pictionary-related incident.

Cop:After reviewing the evidence, we've determined the ridiculously specific solution to prevent future violence: no more drawing circles.

Nana:You need to learn respect, young lady. This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.

Britta:Wait, what are you doing with that switch?

Nana:I'm going to spank you with it, like my mother did to me.

Britta:Oh my God, no, no, no! I'm 23 years old!

Nana:And you'll always be a child to me.

Troy:Just tell her you're adopted.

Troy:Why is your grandmother spanking you?

Annie:How could you sleep with Amber? She's terrible!

Jeff:Look, I know she's not great, but I was going through something, and she was... there.

Annie:That's your defense? That she had the basic ability to exist in the same room as you?

Annie:You slept with Pierce's stepdaughter?

Jeff:It was one time.

Annie:Jeff!

Jeff:Okay, fine. I wanted to do it again, but I didn't.

Annie:Jeff, how can you sleep with someone you just met? That's so irresponsible!

Jeff:Annie, I'm efficient.

Annie:Efficient? You reproduce faster than bacteria!

Annie:Jeff, you're being emotionally manipulative and you know it.

Nana Barnes:You know, after all these years of fighting and discipline, the simple things matter most. Like sitting with family and enjoying a treat together.

Nana:What did you say to me?

Britta:I said you're a selfish old bat who only thinks about herself!

Nana:That's what I thought you said.

Jeff:Britta, you need to choose: Pierce or me. I'm not sharing you with someone like that.

Britta:Jeff, Pierce is my friend. I'm not abandoning him just because you have a problem with him.

Jeff:Fine. Then we're done.

Britta:Okay. I'll see you around, I guess.

Pierce:You know, Jeff, sometimes I feel like I don't have real family.

Jeff:Pierce, we're your family. Remember when we spent three hours arguing about whether a hot dog is a sandwich?

Jeff:Or that time you fell asleep on my shoulder during a movie and I didn't move for forty minutes because I didn't want to wake you?

Jeff:That's what family does. We show up. We're here.

Pierce:Really?

Jeff:Really.

Pierce:If a friend asked you to help them move a body, you'd do it, right? That's loyalty.

Jeff:Pierce, that's... okay, you're actually right. I would do that for you.

Jeff:I can't believe she left me. And now I have to watch Glee alone.

Pierce:Glee? That show is terrible.

Jeff:Right? Thank you! Everyone loves it but it's awful.

Pierce:The singing is pitchy, the characters are insufferable, and don't get me started on the writing.

Jeff:Exactly! I thought I was crazy for hating it.

Pierce:You're not crazy. That show is a crime against television.

Jeff:You know what? This breakup might be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Abed:The phone is in the vending machine.

Troy:We can get it out!

Abed:I've run the calculations. It won't work.