Introduction to Statistics

Jeff:Did you know that Bernoulli's principle explains how airplanes stay in the air? It's a little-known fact.

Britta:Jeff, everyone knows that.

Jeff:Well, actually, Bernoulli also pairs excellently with fish. The key is not to break the emulsion.

Annie:That's béarnaise sauce.

Jeff:Is it? Well, I knew it was French.

Jeff:Am I being sarcastic or nailing my confident approach?

Britta:You asking that question kind of undermined the whole confident thing.

Jeff:Okay, I messed that up. Let me try again.

Jeff:Me Jeff. You... what your name?

Jeff:Me like you. You like me?

Britta:You're charming, you're handsome, you're well-dressed...

Britta:But your test scores show you're not very smart.

Jeff:I'm not really a student. I have a luxury car, designer clothes, and perfect hair.

Jeff:Plus I have a house, premium cable, and a personal trainer.

Jeff:I also have early onset arthritis, a persistent cough, and my knees make a sound like a creaky door when I stand up.

Britta:Okay, I'll admit it - you're really selling the whole mature, sophisticated thing.

Jeff:Thank you. I've been working on it.

Britta:But that doesn't mean we're getting back together.

Annie:So you're definitely coming to my party?

Jeff:Yeah, yeah, of course.

Annie:And you'll be there by 8 o'clock?

Jeff:Sure.

Annie:Because it ends at 10, which is like an upside-down Spanish question mark for my evening.

Jeff:Pierce is easily manipulated by TV ads. Last week he bought a Snuggie because he saw it on at 3 AM.

Annie:You know, when I was seven, my goldfish died, and I cried for three days straight.

Jeff:That's sad, but I'm actually collecting your tears in a jar. I'm building up an immunity to your emotional manipulation.

Annie:I was so unpopular in high school that the crossing guard would actively try to get me hit by cars.

Abed:My grandfather took medication without reading the instructions. He ended up pantless in the Gaza Strip.

Pierce:Abed, I don't need your medication lectures. I'm fine.

Abed:Pierce, the doctor said—

Pierce:You know what? The only thing that's ever made me feel pantsless grandpa is when I actually AM a pantsless grandpa.

Britta:Annie, we speak English here. You don't need to translate everything into Spanish!

Jeff:Friendship is the most valuable thing in the world. We're bound together by invisible threads of trust and mutual respect. That's why I'm here today.

Annie:You need us to help you with something, don't you?

Jeff:Nice outfit, Chang. Did you lose a bet with a stripper, or did you just finally give up?

Jeff:And next time you eavesdrop, try not to breathe so heavily. You sound like a pervert at a high school reunion.

Chang:Hey! That's a racial stereotype about Spanish people!

Jeff:No, Chang, a matador is someone who eavesdrops.

Chang:Oh... that's not better.

Troy:Am I good looking?

Abed:Yes.

Troy:Cool.

Pierce:I'm the Beastmaster.

Other Character:What?

Pierce:The Beastmaster. You know, the movie? With the guy and the animals? From 1982?

Other Character:I don't know what that is.

Pierce:You don't know... How is that possible? It's only the greatest fantasy film ever made!

Pierce:What are you supposed to be?

Jeff:I'm not wearing a costume.

Pierce:Oh, so you're going as an unemployed guy? Because that's what you look like.

Pierce:Just kidding! I'm just messing with you.

Abed:I'm Harry Potter.

Pierce:Hey, what's up, Urkel?

Abed:It's Harry Potter.

Jeff:Yeah, Urkel, just put the drinks down.

Abed:No, I'm Harry Potter. Harry Potter.

Troy:Thanks, Urkel!

Pierce:Hey Star-Burns, you want some of my pharmaceutical collection? I've got some righteous medicinal compounds here.

Pierce:There's some groovy stuff - I call this one 'the Funkadellic,' and this one here is 'the Disco Fever.'

Pierce:Oh, and this beauty is 'the Boogie Nights' - it'll really get you feeling the groove, baby.

Star-Burns:Yo, Pierce! You gonna stand there in that pimp suit all night or are you actually gonna help me move this merchandise?

Pierce:I'm committed to my character! A high-class businessman wouldn't get his hands dirty.

Star-Burns:Man, that's not a character—that's just you being lazy!

Chang:You know, Jeff, I tried to romance Slater once. I showed up at her apartment with a boombox playing our song. Turns out it was a Huey Lewis and the News cassette I'd stolen from the library in 1987, and she called security.

Chang:The point is, sometimes your grand gestures backfire spectacularly. Also, I may have been wearing a tuxedo T-shirt because I couldn't afford the full tuxedo.

Pierce:I feel like I'm floating... and everything is beautiful... and I love all of you guys so much right now.

Pierce:And then your mouth gets dry, your palms get sweaty, and you start experiencing what I can only describe as a deep, spiritual connection to your colon.

Shirley:Wait, Jeff went to a faculty party? Without us?

Shirley:That's it. We all hate Slater now.

Abed:Your antenna looks like a Starbucks stirrer, Professor Slater.

Abed:I'm going to break it off and use it to stir my coffee, then throw it away because it's not a real spoon.

Slater:Yeah, I had a cowboy phase. Did some things I'm not proud of. There was this girl named Destiny, worked at a Tex-Mex place in Reno. We used to meet in the parking lot behind the restaurant. She had this leather fringe vest... anyway, long story short, I can't eat salsa anymore without getting anxious.

Britta:I lost my virginity to a guy in a Robin Hood costume.

Jeff:What?! That was you?!

Britta:You can't tell anyone about us.

Jeff:Why not? I'm dying to tell someone.

Britta:Because if word gets out, everyone will know.

Jeff:Britta, I don't have anyone to tell. I have no friends. I'm completely alone. Which, when you think about it, is actually perfect for a relationship.

Chang:Where'd you get that outfit?

Jeff:I own it.

Chang:Of course you do. I bet you really know how to use those guns.

Britta:Well, I have my GED.

Slater:Jeff's classmate

Britta:Classmate? I'm not in kindergarten. I'm a woman in my thirties taking night classes because my life fell apart.

Troy:Pierce is acting like he's in a comedy movie, but the real version isn't funny at all.

Chang:Oh no, Urkel is vandalizing cars now!

Chang:Wait, that's not Urkel... that's Abed.

Chang:Oh, so Shirley's revenge plan is working. She's got him doing her dirty work.

Abed:Shirley wanted me to tell you that you're a bad person and she hopes you get hit by a car.

Abed:Specifically in the shins.

Pierce:I'm not tripping, I'm transcending! My body is just a meat suit that my consciousness happens to be renting at the moment.

Pierce:And frankly, the landlord has let this property fall into disrepair. There's leaks everywhere, things don't work anymore, and I'm pretty sure there's mold.

Abed:You're right. I'll stop doing the Batman voice. But Jeff, you do a bit too. You do the thing where you tilt your head and furrow your brow when you're about to say something you think is really clever. You've been doing it since the first day of class.

Shirley:I'm going to flood his office with so much water damage, he'll think Noah's Ark docked in his filing cabinets.

Britta:That's a very specific insult. Like, you really honed in on the neck part.

Britta:You know, Colonel Slater probably has a really nice side.

Britta:Yeah, right after she finishes her morning routine of kicking puppies and crushing dreams.

Troy:Pierce, why is your... why are you...?

Pierce:What? I'm not doing anything!

Troy:You're clearly excited about something.

Chang:Please... please come back. I'll change. I can be the man you want me to be. Just give me one more chance. I'm begging you.

Pierce:Okay, I have to tell you all something. I've been lying all episode. I'm not the Beastmaster. I don't even know what that is.

Jeff:Pierce, you're not old. You're just... statistically more likely to die.

Jeff:Look, Pierce, what you're doing—it's not ridiculous. It's actually kind of heroic. You're out there living life on your own terms, affirming your existence in the face of a world that wants to put you in a box. That takes guts.

Abed:Batman doesn't do parties. Batman protects parties. There's a difference. A party is a temporary autonomous zone where the normal rules of social hierarchy dissolve. Batman understands this. He arrives before the first guest, surveys the perimeter, identifies structural weaknesses. Is the punch bowl secure? Can someone actually reach the bathroom without getting trapped in a conversation about someone's podcast? These are the questions Batman asks. By the time you're doing body shots off the ping pong table, Batman has already prevented three separate incidents of catastrophic social awkwardness. He's not having fun. He's working. And when the night is over and everyone's laughing and nobody's crying in the bathroom, they don't thank Batman. They don't even know he was there. That's the job.

Abed:I am vengeance. I am the night. I am... Batman. But what is Batman? A persona. A mask worn by a man who is also wearing a mask of sanity over a void of trauma. Am I the mask or the man? Is there a difference? The cowl doesn't make me Batman. My choices make me Batman. But I didn't choose this. I chose this. Did I? Stream of consciousness is just consciousness streaming, which means I'm not thinking, I'm drowning in thoughts. Drowning in a cowl. Is the cowl drowning or am I? We're both drowning. Batman is drowning. I'm drowning. We're all just... drowning in the night. In vengeance. In the idea that we can be something other than what we are, which is nothing, which is everything, which is—

Abed:I'm Batman.

Troy:You sound like Cookie Monster.

Abed:I'm not Cookie Monster. I'm Batman.

Troy:Okay, Batman. Whatever you say.

Pierce:You know what candy corn is? It's like the traffic school of candy.

Troy:What do you mean?

Pierce:Well, nobody wants to be there, but everybody's been there. And you know what the worst part is? You can't speed through it. You gotta sit through the whole thing, one kernel at a time.

Troy:That's... actually kind of profound.

Pierce:And just like traffic school, when it's over, you're not sure if you learned anything, but you feel like you wasted four hours of your life.

Troy:A drunk gingerbread driver?

Pierce:Who wants to eat himself.

Pierce:One of my biggest fears is that I'll be transformed into a donut.

Troy:Why would that be a fear?

Pierce:Because I would immediately eat myself.