Aerodynamics of Gender

Troy:Why do they call you 'bus driver'?

Jeff:Because I'm about to take you to school.

Troy:Okay, so we're playing by standard rules, right?

Jeff:Yeah, yeah, standard rules.

Troy:Because last time you said traveling doesn't count if you're—

Jeff:That was one time! And I was clearly joking.

Troy:You weren't smiling.

Jeff:I smile internally, Troy. It's a gift and a curse.

Britta:You know, the phrase 'punch line' is a perfect example of how masculine language dominates our discourse. We should really be saying 'kick line' or 'push line' or something more inclusive.

Britta:Wait, actually, is 'punch your butt' a thing people say? Like, do people actually punch butts? Because that seems like it would hurt.

Britta:I mean, nobody says 'kick your butt,' they say 'kick ass.' So maybe the gendered violence is more nuanced than I thought.

Britta:Does anyone here punch butts regularly? I feel like that's not a common assault.

Shirley:A-wo-men.

Britta:We should do a boob bump! You know, as feminist bonding.

Annie:No.

Shirley:Absolutely not.

Britta:Well, your loss. More boob bumps for me!

Pierce:Check out my new toy, bee-otch! It's a dragon-flay!

Pierce:This drone can strangle toy cars by their butts.

Pierce:There's a little pilot in there! A tiny man! He's controlling it!

Pierce:Don't look at me like that. I'm not responsible for what he does.

Britta:Well, maybe the Y chromosome is the accident.

Britta:Basketballs are symbolically invasive. They're these orange spheres that violently penetrate the net, which is a metaphor for the patriarchal invasion of personal space, and the net itself is a symbol of societal constraints attempting to catch us all.

Abed:I love women's studies! I've seen every episode of Xena: Warrior Princess twice.

Abed:Troy, you lost the game!

Abed:♪ Troy lost the game, Troy lost the game, Troy lost the game! ♪

Abed:Oh no, my spleen!

Annie:I can't sit with you guys, I have to... meet my study group.

Britta:Your study group? Annie, we're your study group.

Annie:No, my OTHER study group. We're studying... biology. Human biology. Advanced human biology.

Abed:You're taking advanced biology?

Annie:Yes. As an elective. In the library. Right now. We're very serious about it.

Britta:Annie, class ended five minutes ago.

Annie:We meet early. Very early. We're early people. We love being early.

Abed:Cool. Cool cool cool.

Meghan:You need to move, you're in my seat.

Annie:Your face is in everyone's seat.

Meghan:Well at least I don't have a mustache like a 1970s porn star.

Annie:At least I don't look like I was assembled from rejected Build-A-Bear Workshop pieces.

Shirley:I'm taking the high road.

Meghan:Yeah, and it leads straight to a salon.

Britta:Of course her name is Meghan. It's like the universe is playing a joke on her personality.

Abed:The one with the asymmetrical haircut and the small scar above her left eyebrow from when she fell off the monkey bars in third grade. She's also slightly pigeon-toed and has a birthmark on her right hip that looks like New Jersey.

Abed:I'm aware I do this. I'm aware that I'm aware I do this. And I'm going to keep doing it anyway because her pores were like the surface of the moon, if the moon had been left out in the sun for three weeks.

Abed:Oh, nothing much. Just grabbing a quick bite.

Abed:Yeah, I've been eating lunch in Jeff's car on Wednesdays. He doesn't know.

Jeff:Wait, wait, wait. Is that a trampoline? A hidden trampoline? Do you understand what this is? This is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Someone's going to break their ankle, and we're going to own this place.

Joshua:Who else saw you come in?

Jeff:Just the groundskeeper. Why? Oh my God, he had scissors.

Abed:You know, bouncing on a trampoline is like the human soul reaching toward enlightenment. Each leap a prayer, each descent a moment of surrender to gravity's ancient wisdom.

Jeff:Wait, how long have I been doing this?

Troy:An hour.

Jeff:An hour?! I thought it was like five minutes!

Troy:Dude, you've been in a trampoline trance. You wouldn't stop bouncing. You kept saying 'I'm flying, I'm flying' over and over again.

Abed:She has this quality where she's beautiful, but in a way that's kind of broken and sad.

Annie:That's called 'broken beauty' or 'tragic beauty.'

Abed:That's a great term. I'm going to use that.

Annie:Sometimes you just need to say what you mean, and if that means calling people bitches, then bitches it is.

Meghan:Your head is weirdly shaped and you're boring.

Abed:You're right. Also, you have a face like a kicked-in suitcase.

Meghan:You're a loser and nobody likes you.

Abed:Cool. You're a bitch and your hair looks stupid.

Abed:Your underwear is showing and it's been three days since laundry day, which means you ran out of clean ones yesterday and you're now wearing backups from the bottom drawer that still have the Target tag on them.

Abed:This cafeteria is now a bitch-free zone.

Jeff:Alright Troy, let's bounce.

Troy:Yeah, let's get out of here.

Annie:Abed's like a machine. He processes everything and outputs the perfect response.

Annie:He's basically Robocop.

Shirley:Rowboat cop?

Annie:No, Robocop.

Shirley:Why would there be a cop in a rowboat?

Annie:So you're saying Sharice is like a bad rowboat?

Abed:Affirmative. She is a rowboat that is bad.

Annie:That's not what that means.

Abed:Rowboat. Bad. Sharice.

Jeff:You know what? I'm gonna take that ball and shove it so far up your ass, you're gonna be coughing up leather for a week.

Jeff:These boots? They're like clouds that somehow decided to have an opinion about arch support. They're the kind of footwear that makes you believe in a benevolent universe. When I walk in them, I'm not just moving through space—I'm gliding through a dimension where my feet have never known suffering.

Pierce:Are your new boots comfortable?

Troy:Comfortable? Pierce, these boots are like two small horses that have learned to love each other. Every step is a tiny wedding between my feet and the ground. I'm basically Centaur-adjacent at this point.

Annie:I feel amazing! It's like we're cleaning the campus by being mean to people. We're like... janitors of cruelty, sweeping away the dirt of their self-esteem with the broom of our insults!

Abed:1985 called. It wants its boots back.

Jeff:Oh, really? Well, 1985 called back. And they said you could keep them.

Abed:That's not how the joke works.

Pierce:What's your secret? How are you all so relaxed? I will literally kill you if you don't tell me.

Pierce:I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh, what a world, what a world!

Abed:I said you look like you got dressed in the dark.

Girl:What?

Abed:I'm sorry, are you having trouble hearing me? That must be awful. Oh wait, no — you're just blind.

Abed:Annie, your laugh sounds like a car alarm that learned to be polite.

Pierce:A trampoline? What is this, some kind of gay circus?

Pierce:Ow! Ow! My back! My everything!

Pierce:This is an illegal trampoline! That's a lawsuit!

Abed:You're like a juice box that's been sitting in the sun for three weeks — nobody wants you, you're leaking everywhere, and you smell like regret.

Joshua:They said I was being 'insensitive' and 'creating a hostile work environment.' But I was just making jokes about where people are from. How is that racist?

Jeff:Wait, so when Joshua said he wanted to 'keep the neighborhood pure,' he meant...

Jeff:And 'those people don't belong here' was actually...

Jeff:Oh my God, every single thing he said was racist!

Jeff:Look, I'm going to buy you ice cream, okay? Because that's what white guilt is—it's like a trampoline. You bounce around on it for a while, you feel good, you're flying through the air, and then you realize there's no net, and you're just going to fall on your ass.

Jeff:Look, I know what I did was wrong. I'm going to make it up to you.

Jeff:I'm going to feel guilty about this for exactly three to five business days, then I'll do something nice for myself and we'll call it even.

Meghan:Your great-great-grandfather was a coward who faked his own death to avoid paying debts in Moldova, and your family line has been genetically cursed with an inability to whistle in tune ever since.

Meghan:Abed's cruelty is different because he's not actually part of the group. He's observing us, studying us like we're characters in a show he's watching. When he says something cruel, it's not personal—it's a devastating, accurate assessment from someone who sees us as archetypes, not as real people.

Pierce:I'm telling you, there's a little man inside that drone controlling it!

Jeff:Pierce, there is no little man. It's remote controlled.

Pierce:Then explain the shadows I saw moving inside it!

Troy:Good morning, Greendale!

Abed:We're your hosts, Troy and Abed in the Morning!

Star-Burns:Actually, it's Alex. Alex Durham.

Star-Burns:As an animal expert, I can tell you that turtles eat... lettuce?

Troy:Dude, turtles eat lettuce.

Abed:No they don't. They eat insects and small fish.

Star-Burns:Well, I was close. Lettuce, fish... it's basically the same thing.

Troy:How are you an animal expert?

Star-Burns:I read a pamphlet once.