Custody Law and Eastern European Diplomacy

Annie:I got her dolls that represent all different races so she can appreciate diversity from an early age.

Annie:There's Black Barbie, Asian Barbie, Latina Barbie, and... I wasn't sure about the rest, so I got her a bunch of blank ones she can color in herself.

Annie:I actually contacted the manufacturer about diversity. I told them their product line was problematic and culturally insensitive.

Jeff:Annie, it's a doll.

Annie:A doll with no representation! They said they'd consider it for the next line. So I basically won.

Annie:I made a traditional West African dish called jollof rice. It's a one-pot rice dish with tomatoes, onions, and spices that's been a staple across Ghana, Nigeria, and Senegal for centuries.

Annie:It's pronounced 'JOL-off,' not 'JOL-eef' like I said the first three times.

Annie:And before anyone asks, yes, this is culturally appropriate because I Googled it and watched a YouTube video by someone whose last name I can't pronounce.

Pierce:Joseph? That guy's history's greatest chump. He raised a kid that wasn't even his.

Jeff:Whoa, whoa, whoa — Kennedy had a kid?

Pierce:I thought you said Joe Kennedy! That guy was a real chump.

Chang:I'm going to be an amazing father. I'll teach him everything I know.

Chang:Actually, you know what? Forget that. I'll just be the cool uncle.

Chang:The creepy uncle who hangs around the house and makes everyone uncomfortable.

Troy:We got you a industrial-sized first aid kit.

Abed:When society collapses, you'll wish you had more than one band-aid.

Troy:Also, we threw in a machete. For the baby.

Shirley:Pierce, you can't say things like that. It's offensive.

Pierce:What? I was just making a joke.

Annie:Yeah, we actually have a system for this. Every time Pierce says something offensive, we put a dollar in the jar.

Shirley:We're up to three hundred and forty-seven dollars this month.

Pierce:You see, there's a system. You say something offensive, then you do something nice to balance it out. It's called 'offensive phrase laundering.'

Pierce:So if I say something like... well, let's say I call someone a... a... you know what, I'll just say it: a real jerk. And then I buy them lunch!

Pierce:But what if I tried to say something worse? What if I said something like... 'That's so...' No, no, even the sanitized version sounds bad.

Pierce:Okay, fine: 'That's so ra-ta-tat-TATA!' See? Completely inoffensive!

Chang:These gifts have a theme, you know. There's a deeper meaning to all of this.

Jeff:Yeah, the theme is 'things you stole.'

Chang:Yo, yo, yo! What's good, my homies? Chang in the hizzouse! I'm here to celebrate this little dumpling arriving, fo' shizzle my nizzle!

Chang:You know what I'm sayin'? It's gonna be all about dat baby, all about dat bass, all about dat cha-cha-cha!

Jeff:I'm so tired of everyone making everything about race. Can't we just move past all this racial obsession?

Chang:Wow, that's a very white thing to say.

Troy:Britta, don't date Lukka. He's bad news.

Britta:Why would I listen to you?

Abed:Because in every sitcom, when someone warns you not to do something, it's actually a reverse psychology setup that makes you want to do it more. Troy just activated your rebellious nature by trying to protect you.

Troy:No, I wasn't—

Abed:Too late. The narrative has already begun.

Shirley:I know I've gained weight, but that's what happens when you're eating for two. Although, let's be honest, I've been eating for like six.

Lukka:Your name is Britta, like the water filter brand?

Britta:Yes.

Britta:You guys are being ridiculous! This is the most asinine, the most... the most absurd...

Troy:You already said absurd.

Britta:No I didn't! I said asinine and then I said... ridonculous.

Abed:That's not a word.

Britta:It is now!

Britta:Name one person I've ruined!

Troy:Jeff Winger.

Abed:Jeff Winger.

Britta:I didn't ruin Jeff! I'm actually a very good influence on people.

Britta:In fact, last week I helped him work through some really deep stuff about his abandonment issues with his father.

Britta:I won the paintball tournament! I'm not going to be bribed with a sweatshirt. I'm the *Black Rider*!

Jeff:Look, Shirley, I can't read legal documents. They're like... they're written in a language that was invented specifically to make me feel stupid. It's got all these 'whereases' and 'heretofores' and 'party of the first part' — which, by the way, is the worst way to describe people. I'm a person, Shirley. I'm not a 'party.' I go to parties, I don't attend them as a party. And then there's all the tiny print, which I'm convinced is smaller than regular print, just to mock me. Like, 'Oh, Jeff won't read it anyway, so let's make it impossible.' And the pages! There are always too many pages. A document should be one page. Maybe two if you're feeling generous. But legal documents are like the phone book had a baby with a congressional hearing, and that baby grew up to disappoint everyone.

Jeff:Shirley, don't worry about Chang. He's not going to do anything. He's a textbook example of all bluster and no follow-through. Besides, even if he wanted to cause trouble, what's he going to do? He's a baby daddy now.

Britta:I think you have survivor's guilt.

Lukka:Actually, I was a perpetrator of ethnic cleansing.

Lukka:So there I was, surrounded by enemies on all sides, bullets flying everywhere—

Jazz Neighbor:Hey man, you're really killing the vibe here.

Lukka:I'm describing genocide and YOU'RE worried about the mood?

Chang:I'm a great father figure. I've taught these kids everything they need to know about life, responsibility, and—you know what? I'm gonna build a pool table out of drywall and install it in the study room. That's what real fathers do.

Chang:Nobody's ever gonna love me. I'm gonna die alone.

Chang:Well, I guess I'll just have to Chang myself.

Jeff:Yeah, Chang, that's a great idea. Why don't you just go ahead and do that?

Chang:Really? You think so?

Jeff:Absolutely. In fact, I think you should do it right now. Immediately.

Chang:Okay!

Jeff:Where do you keep getting these saws?

Troy:Why does every video game have to be so violent? Why can't there be a game where you just... help people?

Britta:Oh my God, that's so true. It's like, why do we need all this gore and killing?

Troy:Exactly. And another thing - why do all the female characters have to wear those ridiculous outfits?

Britta:Yes! Finally someone gets it!

Troy:It's hard to take a warrior seriously when her breasts are the size of her head.

Andre:Look, Chang just needs to sign away his rights. It's not a big deal.

Andre:I mean, he's just one small obstacle.

Chang:The stock market is like a woman, unpredictable, emotional, and you never know when it's going to turn on you.

Chang:But if you play your cards right and tell it what it wants to hear, you can make a lot of money.

Chang:My baby's going to walk across this room, and when those tiny feet hit the ground, it's going to sound like a kung fu movie. *makes rapid tapping sounds* Whoooosh! The baby will emerge from the shadows, defeat five armed men with a broom handle, and then ask for a bottle.

Chang:I'm gonna be a father! I'm gonna teach my son everything I know. How to fight, how to survive, how to look cool doing it.

Chang:We'll do father-son bonding activities. Like, I'll throw him in the air and catch him, but like, with nunchucks. Or I'll read him bedtime stories, but they're all Steven Seagal movies.

Chang:His first words won't be 'mama' or 'dada' — they'll be 'HYAH!' while he does a roundhouse kick.

Chang:Jeff, I need your advice. How do I know if my son is watching too much TV?

Jeff:Um, I don't know, Chang. Maybe if he's glued to the set all day?

Chang:No no no, that's not what I mean. Like, what if he's watching VCR channels? Is that bad? Can you even watch VCR channels, or do you have to rent them first?

Jeff:Wait, would they be baby lions?

Abed:We're committing genocide.

Troy:Abed!

Abed:What? They're a race of creatures, we're systematically destroying them.

Troy:You can't just say genocide like that.

Britta:I'm just retrieving my belongings.

Abed:That's my hat.

Britta:I know.

Abed:I have a strict no-lending policy on movies. Once you lend a movie, you never see it again.

Lukka:So... you're saying I should just keep it?

Abed:No, that's worse.

Lukka:Keep it. Keep it forever.

Abed:Why do you keep saying that like that?

Troy:Wait, why aren't you freaking out about this?

Lukka:I am freaking out.

Troy:No you're not. You're just standing there all calm and collected.

Lukka:That's how I freak out, Troy. You're the weird one for flailing around like a normal human.

Lukka:Britta is strange.

Troy:You just spent twenty minutes describing how you'd trap and skin a man alive.

Troy:That was the creepiest thing I've ever heard.

Abed:What? She's a great girl.

Chang:I'm telling you, I'm very capable. I fixed my bathroom with just a blowtorch and some duct tape.

Chang:Now there's a hole in the wall, but at least the toilet's hot.

Abed:I'm making a documentary about making a documentary about my life. The cameras document me documenting my life, which is meta-textually relevant to the post-modern condition of self-aware media consumption.

Abed:Plus, I needed footage of myself watching footage of myself for the recursive narrative structure.

Abed:You're always inserting yourself into situations that don't concern you, trying to psychoanalyze everyone, acting like you know better than everyone else.

Britta:For realsies?

Britta:Look, I know I have a pattern of ruining guys, but even I have to admit that genocide is worse than whatever Kyle did.

Chang:I took those kids to teach them responsibility.

Jeff:Chang, you kidnapped children. That's literally the opposite of responsibility.

Chang:I know your mother. What's her name?

Child:Mrs. Whack.

Chang:That's obviously a made-up name. You're mocking me because I'm Asian.

Child:No, it's really her name. Mrs. Whack.

Chang:I'm not falling for your racist games!

Child:Seriously, that's her real name!

Chang:I know your mother very well. We go way back.

Kid:You're thinking of the wrong family, Mr. Chang. My mom's name is Jennifer.

Chang:Yes, yes, Jennifer! I remember her perfectly.

Kid:Our last name is Morrison.

Chang:Of course, the Morrisons! Great people.

Kid:We moved here from Seattle three months ago.

Chang:Ah yes, Seattle! I remember when you— wait. What?

Chang:Okay, okay, I know I'm in trouble for the kidnapping thing, but hear me out—I'm turning myself in, and I want to make sure we get the best deal possible. I'm thinking we sell the story rights, maybe do a reality show about my surrender. We could call it 'Chang's Last Stand' or 'The Redemption of Ben Chang.' I'm already getting offers from producers.

Jeff:These are nipple guards. They're for... protection.

Police Officer:Protection? From what? Are you being chased by a very specific bird?

Jeff:No, it's not like that. They're just—

Police Officer:Because in prison, we had a guy who wore something similar. He'd been stabbed in the nipple seventeen times.

Jeff:Okay, well, that's... that's not really helping my situation here.

Jeff:I made a shank out of a toothbrush and dental floss. It was actually pretty impressive—very intricate knotwork.

Jeff:The other inmates started calling it 'art.' Then they started calling it 'evidence.'

Jeff:Yeah, I was in county for three days. It was actually pretty great. They had this whole arts and crafts section.

Jeff:I made a shank out of a toothbrush. Really got into it.

Chang:You think you can hold me? I've escaped from worse! I'm Chang! I'm unstoppable! I'll be back, and when I am, you'll all regret the day you crossed me!

Andre:You know, like in Jurassic Park, chaos theory...

Shirley:It's Complicated.

Shirley:It's like Jurassic Park, you know? Chaos theory, things falling apart.

Andre:Jurassic Park?

Shirley:No, not Jurassic Park. Something else. Something... darker.

Troy:Okay, we were wrong about Britta.

Troy:But that doesn't mean Jeff's thing with Lukka isn't weird. I mean, comparing it to war crimes is extreme, but...

Britta:Wait, so Catfish is about that guy who catfishes people online? That's so messed up. He pretends to be a hot girl to lure in lonely guys, and then he's actually just some fat old man?

Troy:Yeah, pretty much.

Britta:That's disgusting. I mean, what kind of sick person does that?

Troy:Um... well, actually, I think there's more to it than that. It's kind of a commentary on—

Britta:No, you're right. That's the whole movie.

Troy:Cool. Cool cool cool.

Britta:Wait, so the guy in Catfish is actually just a catfish the whole time?

Troy:No, that's not—

Britta:Oh my god, I totally just spoiled it, didn't I?

Troy:Yeah.