The One With Rachels Going Away Party

Rachel:Okay, so heads I win, tails you lose.

Joey:Wait, that's the same thing!

Rachel:I know.

Joey:Okay, heads I win, tails you lose.

Rachel:That's the same thing!

Joey:No it's not. If it's heads, I win. If it's tails, you lose.

Rachel:Joey, those are the same outcome!

Joey:Okay, okay, fine. Heads I win, tails... it doesn't count.

Rachel:How does tails not count?

Joey:We flip again.

Rachel:You'll flip it a thousand times!

Joey:I'm a very patient man.

Rachel:Fine. Flip.

Joey:Okay... tails.

Rachel:That's tails. You have to flip again.

Joey:Okay, okay... tails again.

Rachel:Again.

Joey:This is crazy! How is this happening?!

Rachel:See? I'm completely packed and organized.

Rachel:Look at me, I'm so casual now. I just threw a towel on the floor.

Rachel:I'm just gonna throw this towel on the floor.

Rachel:Who cares? It's just a towel.

Rachel:I made a sandwich for the plane. I mean, you never know what they're going to serve, and I wanted to be prepared.

Monica:Rachel, it's a transatlantic flight. They serve meals.

Rachel:Well, what if I don't like it? What if it's weird European food?

Monica:Look at you! You've organized the entire closet by color and fabric weight!

Rachel:Well, I learned from the best.

Monica:I'm so proud. You've finally embraced your inner control freak. It's beautiful. I think I'm gonna cry.

Rachel:Joey, where is my passport?! We leave in three hours!

Joey:Your passport? It's... it's in my pocket.

Rachel:WHAT?! How long have you had it?

Joey:Since this morning. I was gonna give it back, but then you started freaking out and it got funny, and then it got less funny, and now it's just... really not funny.

Rachel:It was NEVER funny, Joey!

Erica:That's not the baby.

Erica:Well, I'm pregnant.

Erica:I know I'm huge. I feel like a water buffalo.

Monica:You're not huge, you're pregnant.

Erica:Yeah, well, tell that to the guy at the grocery store who asked me when I was due. I told him nine months. He said, 'All of them?'

Erica:What? Why are you staring at my breasts?

Chandler:I wasn't staring! I was just... looking to see if you had a... pen in your pocket.

Erica:Oh my God, you guys, this place is amazing! And look at this minibar – everything's free!

Monica:Erica, no, honey, you have to pay for those.

Erica:What? But it's right there in the room!

Erica:These items in the minibar are free, right?

Ross:No, no, they're not free. The hotel charges you for everything you take out of the minibar. It's actually a significant markup—usually 300 to 400 percent above retail value. So when you see a candy bar that normally costs 75 cents, they're charging you three dollars. It's one of the ways hotels generate revenue from their guests.

Monica:We have to keep her happy! If Erica is not happy, she could change her mind and keep the babies!

Ross:Monica, she's not going to change her mind.

Monica:You don't know that! We have to do everything she wants. If she wanted me to chop off my arm, I would chop off my arm!

Monica:Joey, if you move in, you'd have to pay rent.

Joey:How much?

Monica:Half of what Chandler pays.

Joey:That's perfect! I can just eat half as much food.

Chandler:Joey, that's not how rent works.

Joey:Well, it should be!

Ross:Okay, okay, I know I should help you pack, but The Matrix is playing and I've already seen it three times, so really, I'm not missing anything new. Plus, the statistical probability of me actually enjoying a fourth viewing is inversely proportional to the diminishing returns on—

Monica:Ross, just go to the movie.

Ross:What? I'm being analytical about my leisure time preferences!

Chandler:No, you're being annoying about your leisure time preferences.

Ross:What are you guys doing? We have to pack!

Chandler:I know, I know. But look at this — I've numbed my entire hand. I can't feel anything.

Chandler:See? Nothing. It's like it's not even there.

Monica:Chandler, that's your foot.

Monica:How's the packing going?

Joey:Great!

Chandler:Yeah, we're making really good time.

Monica:What are you doing right now?

Joey:We're taking a break.

Chandler:We were jumping on the bed.

Monica:Jumping on the bed?! We're moving!

Ross:Okay, we need to get serious about packing.

Ross:No more fooling around, no more jokes. This is it.

Ross:We pack now, we're done by tonight.

Ross:So... who wants to help me wrap Chandler's entire apartment in plastic wrap?

Chandler:Okay, Joey, you're in charge of packing the kitchen stuff.

Joey:Got it!

Chandler:No, wait, I'm coming with you.

Joey:Why? Don't you trust me?

Chandler:It's not about trust. It's about the fact that last time you packed, you put a casserole dish in a box labeled 'FRAGILE' upside down, next to a carton of eggs.

Joey:Oh my God! Chandler, you dog! Where did you get these?

Chandler:Those aren't mine!

Joey:Yeah, right. And I'm not Joey Tribbiani.

Chandler:They're Monica's!

Joey:Even better!

Ross:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Handcuffs?!

Monica:Oh my God!

Chandler:Those are... those are mine. From work.

Ross:I did NOT need to know that my sister and my best friend—

Ross:Ugh! Why would you even—I can't unsee this!

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! Maybe it was her ex-boyfriend!

Chandler:Well, maybe I like handcuffs! Maybe I have a whole drawer full of them! Maybe I'm into some pretty interesting stuff!

Chandler:You don't know what goes on behind closed doors!

Chandler:I can be kinky.

Chandler:Last week I wore my socks to bed.

Ross:I could have gone my whole life without knowing that.

Phoebe:Mike's actually playing a huge gig tonight.

Phoebe:Yeah, he's really made it big. He's performing for thousands of people.

Phoebe:They're all screaming his name, totally into it.

Phoebe:He's at the Riverside skating rink playing organ for a kids' birthday party.

Mike:Yeah, nothing says 'rock and roll' like playing organ at a children's roller skating party.

Monica:I made a casserole with whatever was left in the fridge. It's a disgusting combination of leftover ingredients.

Monica:Okay, so I have some leftover Chinese food from Tuesday, a casserole that's been here since last month, some mystery meat in a container I'm afraid to open, and...a questionable orange.

Chandler:A questionable orange? Monica, it's either orange or it's not orange.

Monica:Well that's the problem—I'm not sure anymore.

Joey:I can't believe Rachel's leaving. This is like when they cancelled my favorite show.

Chandler:Joey, Rachel leaving is a little more serious than a TV show getting cancelled.

Joey:No, no, no. You don't understand. I was really invested in that show.

Joey:It's like Melrose Place, you know? All the drama, all the relationships...

Joey:Who am I kidding? I just really miss that show, man.

Joey:I've tried everything to stop Rachel from winning at coin tosses.

Chandler:Joey, she's been flipping the coin with her thumb the whole time.

Joey:Wait, what? That's cheating!

Rachel:It's not cheating if you don't know about it.

Joey:How did I not notice that?

Joey:Okay, so here's the thing about the rules. Rule number one: you gotta let her know you're interested, but you gotta do it casually.

Joey:Rule number two: you establish yourself as a friend first. No, wait—you establish yourself as a potential romantic interest while still being a friend.

Joey:Rule number three: you never, ever appear too eager. But you also can't appear too uninterested.

Joey:And rule number four: you gotta play it cool, but not so cool that she thinks you're not interested.

Ross:Wait a minute... all those coin tosses... they were all heads!

Joey:Oh my God, that's amazing! Do you know what this means?

Ross:What?

Joey:I need to pick up my dry cleaning before 6!

Rachel:You guys are gonna come visit me in Paris, right?

Phoebe:Oh, I would love to, but I can't leave the country.

Rachel:Why not?

Phoebe:I'm not supposed to leave the country.

Ross:I wonder what Rachel and Phoebe do when they say goodbye to each other.

Chandler:Oh, they do this whole thing. They lock eyes, take each other's hands, and silently communicate their feelings for about forty-five minutes.

Ross:Really?

Chandler:No! But wouldn't that be weird?

Phoebe:I got you a gift. It's a hair sample kit. So when you're older and you want to clone yourself, you'll have the DNA.

Rachel:Phoebe, that's... that's very thoughtful.

Phoebe:I know! And I kept one for myself. So we can be clones together!

Rachel:Oh my God, Phoebe, that is so sweet, but I have to be honest with you—I'm gonna throw this away the second you leave.

Chandler:Maybe it's from one of your exes. You know, as a parting gift. Like a going away present, but for your wrists.

Chandler:Fine. Fine! But I'm taking back my awkward kinky dance.

Chandler:If you don't stop criticizing me, I'm going to stop doing the scarf dance.

Monica:Oh no, not the scarf dance. How will I go on?

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. These are Rachel's handcuffs?

Chandler:Tell me everything.

Chandler:Wait, Rachel's into what?

Monica:Oh my God, just shut up about it.

Chandler:No, no, tell me more!

Monica:Fine. Joey!

Joey:Yeah?

Monica:Drop your pants.

Chandler:What the—

Monica:There. Satisfied? Can we please never speak of this again?

Chandler:Wow, that's a good tactic. I'm not even mad.

Phoebe:I'm gonna miss you so much. But I'm worried that if you stay in Paris, you're gonna become all French and you won't want to be my friend anymore.

Monica:Why are you wearing so much makeup?

Rachel:What do you mean? I always wear this much.

Monica:Not on a day like today. You're going to cry it all off anyway.

Ross:I know how you feel. Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things to do.

Ross:I had to say goodbye to my students at the university, and it was devastating.

Ross:Although, to be fair, based on my teaching reviews, they seemed pretty happy to say goodbye to me.

Monica:I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be strong.

Monica:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! I can't believe you're leaving! Who's going to help me pick out curtains? Who's going to listen to me complain about my job? Who's going to...

Monica:I can't do this! I can't say goodbye!

Ross:Oh no, if Monica's crying, I'm doomed.

Ross:So, uh... how about that... local sports team?

Joey:Yeah, they really... did stuff this season.

Ross:Mm-hmm, and the way they... played the game.

Joey:Definitely played it.

Ross:So... how about that weather?

Joey:I know, right? It's been crazy. Was it raining when you came in?

Ross:Yeah, a little.

Joey:See, I told you! I was like, 'It's gonna rain today.' And then it did!

Ross:Wow.

Joey:Yeah! And you know what else? I think it might rain tomorrow too.

Rachel:Goodbye, Chandler. I have to tell you... I've been faking laughs at your jokes this whole time.

Chandler:What? All of them?

Rachel:Pretty much, yeah.

Monica:Whose handcuffs are these?

Phoebe:Those aren't mine.

Monica:Well, they have to be somebody's. Phoebe, come on, you're the kinky one.

Phoebe:I'm not kinky!

Phoebe:Well, they're not very good handcuffs. The left one digs into your wrist, and the chain is too short. Plus, there's this weird smell...

Chandler:How do you know so much about handcuffs?

Phoebe:Well, I have my ways.

Chandler:I'm afraid to ask what those ways are.

Chandler:So what kind of gig do you have tonight?

Phoebe:Oh, I'm going to this corporate event. It's a bondage thing.

Chandler:A bondage thing? Like... you're performing at a bondage thing?

Phoebe:Well, Mike thinks I am.

Chandler:Rachel, I just want you to know that you mean so much to me, and I'm going to miss you so much when you—

Chandler:Pppppbbbbbttttt

Monica:I haven't cried like this in years!

Ross:You cried yesterday at a news story.

Phoebe:Joey seems really calm about the whole thing.

Joey:*emotional breakdown*

Ross:Oh, I'm so lucky. Rachel didn't even say goodbye to me.

Ross:Well, technically, Rachel's goodbye was implicit, not explicit.

Ross:Which means it was understood without being directly stated—kind of like how I've been implicitly in love with her for years.

Ross:I do not have too much pride! I can confront Rachel right now if I want to.

Ross:Rachel! RACHEL! We need to talk about us!

Ross:You didn't say goodbye? We had a thing, Rachel! We had a THING!

Ross:I was there when you got your first job. I was there when you got your first apartment. I was there when you got your first... everything!

Ross:And you couldn't say goodbye?!

Ross:I'm not upset about not getting a goodbye. I'm upset that nobody seemed to care that I didn't get one.

Ross:Fine, fine. You want to see how easy it is to say goodbye? Watch this. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Monica:Where do you think you're going?

Chandler:To work.

Monica:No, you're not.

Chandler:I'm not?

Monica:No. You're going to help me clean this apartment.

Chandler:Oh, I see. So I'm not going to work, I'm going to... work.

Chandler:Could I BE any more organized? Oh wait, that's not me, that's Monica. She's like a human forklift.

Monica:I know I'm being controlling, but it's only because I care. And also because your packing skills are a disaster and I can't watch you roll a sweater like some kind of animal.

Chandler:These are handcuffs.

Phoebe:Oh my God, whose are they?

Monica:They're my grandmother's.

Chandler:Your grandmother's? What was she, a cop?

Monica:No, she was just... adventurous.

Erica:I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been having these pains all morning, and my back is killing me.

Monica:Erica, those are contractions. You're in labor!

Erica:Labor? No, I think I just ate something bad.

Erica:I don't feel so good. My stomach really hurts.

Monica:Oh honey, you're probably just nervous about the adoption.

Erica:No, it's really bad. Like, really bad.

Monica:Maybe you ate something that didn't agree with you. Did you have the tuna salad?

Erica:Monica... I think... oh God, this is so painful!

Monica:Wait. Wait a minute. Oh my God. Erica, you're not sick. You're in labor!

Joey:Is anyone else starving? I haven't eaten in like three hours.

Rachel:Joey, our friend is in labor!

Joey:I know, but my stomach doesn't care about that. Can someone get me a sandwich?

Rachel:You know what? No. No, I can't believe you would think that I don't care about you. I care about you so much, Ross. Do you have any idea how much I care about you?

Rachel:I mean, I thought you knew me better than that. I thought you understood me.

Rachel:How could you possibly think that I don't care about you? That's insane!

Rachel:Well, I was going to say goodbye, but then I realized... this fight right here? This is your goodbye.

Joey:This isn't working.

Joey:We're never gonna pop all these bubbles by sitting on them.