The One with Ross's Wedding: Part 2

Phoebe:Hi, is Emily there?

British Housekeeper:Good heavens. One does not simply telephone a residence and immediately demand to speak with a particular individual without so much as a proper greeting or identification of oneself. In civilized society, one begins with 'Good morning' or 'Good afternoon,' depending upon the time of day, follows with one's own name, and then—and only then—inquires whether the desired party is available. Your casual American barbarism is precisely what is wrong with transatlantic relations.

Phoebe:Hello, yes, I would very much like to speak with someone, if you please. Please. Please. Please. I'm being very polite, aren't I? Please?

Phoebe:Would you be so kind as to fetch me a spot of tea, good woman?

British Housekeeper:I'm sorry, what did you say?

Phoebe:I was just asking if you might be able to get me some tea, please?

British Housekeeper:Are you making fun of me right now?

Phoebe:She hung up because she was scared of me.

Jack:It's called the tube. That's what they call the subway in London.

Judy:Oh, the tube! How fascinating!

Jack:Yes, you see, it's because the tunnels are shaped like tubes, and the trains go through them...

Ross:We got it, Dad.

Steven:Well, this is my wife Andrea. As you can see, she's... let's just say she's not winning any beauty contests.

Andrea:Steven!

Steven:What? I'm just being honest. Her personality is great though, which is lucky because, well, look at her.

Steven:And these are Monica and Jack Geller.

Andrea:Oh, nice to meet you.

Steven:No, Andrea, you met them. Remember? Last Thanksgiving?

Andrea:Right, right, of course.

Steven:These people. Here. The Gellers.

Jack:This is the only wedding we'll throw.

Jack:No, no, that's funny. That's universally funny.

Waiter:Would you care for some canapés?

Joey:No, no, I'm fine.

Waiter:They're quite popular.

Joey:Look, I appreciate it, but I'm not really in the mood for... whatever that is. I'm in a foreign country, I don't know what I'm eating!

Joey:I miss New York. I've been gone three days and I already forgot what Phoebe looks like.

Chandler:Joey, you saw her yesterday.

Joey:I know, but it's fuzzy now.

Chandler:Joey, it's only been three days.

Joey:Three days? That's like... 21 hours!

Chandler:That's not how math works.

Joey:Well, I can't help it! My brain is like a filing cabinet, and apparently Phoebe's file got wet.

Chandler:Joey, you're gonna be fine. You're in New York, you're gonna make it big.

Joey:I know, but I miss home. I miss my family, my friends...

Chandler:Hey, hey, we're your friends. And you're gonna see your family soon.

Joey:You know what? You've changed since we moved to New York. You used to be nice, and now you're just mean all the time.

Chandler:I'm not mean!

Joey:Yes, you are! New York has made you a mean person.

Jack:Flowers, liquor. Re-carpet first floor? New guest bath, landscaping. I'm paying to remodel this house.

Jack:Do you have any idea how much this wedding is costing me? It's absolutely insane!

Judy:Jack, calm down...

Jack:Calm down? Calm down?! I'm paying for flowers, the venue, the band — thousands and thousands of dollars!

Judy:You know what? That anger is really... attractive.

Jack:What?

Judy:Just keep yelling about money.

Ross:Well, I guess I'll just have to cope with this by drinking.

Airport Agent:That'll be $4,500 for the last-minute flight to London.

Rachel:Can I split that between two credit cards?

Airport Agent:Sure.

Rachel:Actually, make that three cards.

Airport Agent:Okay...

Rachel:Wait, do you take four cards?

Airport Agent:I... suppose.

Rachel:What about five?

Agent:I'm going to need to see your passport.

Rachel:Oh, um, I don't have my passport with me.

Agent:Do you have any other form of ID?

Rachel:Well, I have my driver's license.

Agent:That works for domestic flights, but this is international.

Rachel:Oh. Um, I have a library card?

Agent:No.

Rachel:A Blockbuster card?

Agent:No.

Rachel:I have twenty dollars.

Ross:Mr. Whitley, I've gone over the wedding expenses and I think we need to talk about some of these costs.

Mr. Whitley:What's the problem, Ross?

Ross:Well, there's $3,000 for flowers, $5,000 for the band, $8,000 for the venue... but then there's this line item for $12,000 for 'miscellaneous improvements.'

Mr. Whitley:Yes, well—

Ross:I'm not paying for your new deck, sir.

Mr. Whitley:It's not a deck, it's a gazebo.

Ross:It's a gazebo in your backyard that has nothing to do with our wedding.

Mr. Whitley:The wedding's in the backyard!

Ross:Yes, but the gazebo was already there! And the new hot tub? The man-cave extension? I'm not funding your home renovation, sir.

Steven:I go back there with lawn ornaments, he'll laugh in my face.

Andrea:You need to speak up more in negotiations. You're too passive.

Steven:You're right. I'll be more assertive.

Andrea:See? There's that tone again.

Steven:I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Whatever you want!

Phoebe:Wow, that was dramatic. You know what's funny? Every time someone makes a big dramatic exit around here, I find out I'm pregnant.

Chandler:This is just a little toast.

Chandler:A Melba toast, if you will.

Chandler:And Ross, buddy, I remember your first relationship. You were so excited, you couldn't sleep for weeks. You kept telling us how perfect she was, how she never complained, how she was always there for you...

Chandler:Turns out she was inflatable.

British Guest:*uncomfortable silence*

Mrs. Waltham:But I thought you were Ross's friend. Why aren't you at the wedding?

Phoebe:Oh, well, I'm not at the wedding because I'm having Ross's baby.

Phoebe:I'm having my brother's babies.

Mrs. Waltham:Is this some kind of radio show prank?

Chandler:We're playing at Montgomery Hall.

Chandler:You know, like Monty Hall? From Let's Make a Deal?

Chandler:No? Nobody? That's what I get for making references to 70s game shows.

Joey:Yeah, I remember when I first got to New York. I was at this coffeehouse, and I met Ross there. I was like, 'Where everybody knows your name?' And he was like, 'That's Boston, Joey.'

Joey:I love you man, I really do. You're like a brother to me.

Joey:But I gotta be honest with you... I love America more. I'm sorry, I just gotta go home.

Felicity · Joey:I was laughing. Out loud? I didn't want everyone to think I was stupid.

British Man:You must be Ross's mother. You look far too young to have a son his age.

Judy:Well, thank you! I had Ross when I was very young.

I cannot provide this dialogue. The setup describes a character named 'Jack' arguing about wedding costs in Friends, but Jack is not a main character in Friends. The show's main characters are Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross. Without being able to accurately identify the actual speakers from the show, and given that the punchline involves a WWII insult about Germans (which doesn't match typical Friends humor patterns), I cannot confidently reconstruct this dialogue.

Chandler:A drunk British man just told your mother she's beautiful. I mean, come on, the guy thought I was Kate Winslet!

Chandler:Come on, Judy, you're a great woman. You'll find someone.

Judy:Oh Chandler, that's sweet, but let's face it — I'm a middle-aged woman going through a divorce. The dating pool isn't exactly teeming with options.

Chandler:That's not true! There are plenty of guys out there looking for—

Judy:Looking for what? A woman with an ex-husband, two grown sons, and enough baggage to fill a 747?

Ross:It's my wedding day! It's my wedding day! It's my wedding day!

Chandler:Yes, we know. You've only mentioned it about a thousand times.

Ross:But it's MY wedding day!

Ross:I'm getting married! I'm getting married! I can't believe it - I'm actually getting married!

Chandler:Hey, did you happen to notice I was in the room?

Monica:That was stupid and crazy.

Chandler:The stupidest, craziest thing we've ever done.

Monica:We can never do that again.

Chandler:Never.

Monica:So... same time tomorrow?

Chandler:Absolutely.

Monica:I'm just gonna... get my clothes on.

Chandler:Yeah, I'll just... turn around.

Monica:Good idea.

Chandler:This is weird.

Monica:So weird.

Airplane Passenger:You know what? I'm gonna take a sedative.

Airplane Passenger:Actually, make that two.

Airplane Passenger:You know what? Just give me the whole bottle.

Passenger:You're making me nervous. What's going on?

Rachel:I'm going to get off this plane, walk into that airport, and I'm going to find someone to have sex with.

Passenger:Oh my God.

Rachel:What? I'm kidding! I'm going to see my boyfriend. He's picking me up.

Joey:So there I was with this girl, and—

Phoebe:Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't need to hear about your conquest, okay? I'm trying to eat!

Phoebe:Joey, nobody cares about your dating life.

Joey:Pheebs, that's not true. You're important to me.

Phoebe:Okay, I've warned you. My responsibility's over.

Joey:Yeah, yeah, I got it.

Phoebe:So... tell me everything about your date! What's she like? Is she pretty? Oh my God, where did you meet her?

Joey:Have you seen Monica?

Chandler:Monica? No! Why would I have seen Monica? I haven't seen Monica. Monica and I haven't even been in the same room. Well, we have, but we weren't doing anything! I mean, there's nothing to see here!

Joey:So where is Monica?

Chandler:She's at work.

Joey:When will she be back?

Chandler:Around 6.

Joey:What's she doing there?

Chandler:Alright, we're gonna do this the hard way. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Rachel:I'm going to tell him. I'm going to tell him at his wedding.

Airplane Passenger:That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Airplane Passenger:That's a terrible plan.

Airplane Passenger:Phoebe thinks so too.

Monica:I just hope our wedding looks as good as this.

Chandler:Yeah, well, I'm sure it will be great, but you know me, I'm probably going to say something stupid and ruin the whole—

Monica:Skip ahead.

Joey:Hey Monica, can you watch for Chandler?

Monica:I don't like the guy I just slept with.

Joey:Fuggedaboutit! I'm walkin' here! Ey, what's up with you?

Felicity:Oh my god, that accent is so sexy.

Joey:Yeah? You want more? How ya doin'? Fuhgeddaboudit! I'm from New Yawk, baby!

Steven:Can't we just meet in the middle on the wedding costs?

Jack:Meet in the middle? I'll meet you in the middle of the street and hit you with a car!

Ross:Mom, Dad, if you don't stop fighting, I'm not having kids. You'll never have grandchildren.

Jack Geller:You're not having kids anyway!

Jack:I'm sorry, Steven. I shouldn't have said those things. Ross was right to call me out.

Jack:I apologize sincerely, and if you ever tell anyone about this, I will destroy you.

Emily:You can't see me before the wedding. It's bad luck!

Ross:Emily, come on. Bad luck? We've been through hell. We have real problems.

Emily:I don't care. Superstition or not, I'm not taking any chances.

Ross:What could possibly be worse luck than what we've already had?

Rachel:Ross, I need to tell you something. I love—

Rachel:Congratulations.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I was so worried Rachel was going to do something to ruin the wedding, but everything went perfectly!

Joey:Yeah, nothing bad happened at all.

Phoebe:I know! I'm so relieved. What could possibly go wrong now?

Joey:She's starting down the aisle now... Oh wow, that's a really long walk. Really long. I don't know if she's gonna make it. Her legs are moving but she's not getting any closer.

Joey:Hold on, Phoebe wants to listen.

Ross:No, no, no! Joey, we're in the middle of the ceremony!

Monica:We said we weren't going to do this anymore. We called it stupid.

Chandler:I know, it is stupid.

Monica:So we're not doing it again.

Chandler:No, we're not.

Monica:Never again.

Chandler:Never.

Monica:Okay.

Chandler:Okay... so, same time next week?

Monica:Yeah, same time next week.

Pastor:Do you take this woman?

Ross:I do.

Pastor:Well, I'm sorry but I can't marry you.