The Gang Goes to Hell (1)

Charlie:First of all, I'd like to say I-I personally didn't think any of us would be standing in front of you here today. No, no, I mean... Shit, no. I thought we were going straight to hell.

Charlie:I did what I did. You don't like it, you can kiss my ass.

Dennis:Hey, could we be judged individually? 'Cause I don't want to be lumped in with him.

Frank:Goddamn, this ship is the tits!

Mac:Frank, Frank, watch your language. You know? This is a Christian cruise.

Mac:Oh, I didn't find them. They found me. And it's all, of course, a part of God's plan.

Charlie:Hey, Mac, is God gonna be able to protect against the ship sinking?

Mac:God protects all things, Charlie. He is an awesome god. The only way this ship is gonna sink is if the captain's drunk.

Dennis:we will each have to have a half a cap of mouthwash every day. You know, just to stave off the shakes.

Mac:You're supposed to say, 'And also with you.' Why is that?

Dennis:I'm not gonna say that.

Frank:I'm gonna be the captain. Charlie's gonna be the first mate.

Dee:No, no, no, I-I'm putting a stop to this right now. No costumes, no high jinks.

Dee:can we take a vacation from our usual bullshit? So don't be gluttonous. No wrath. No lust for me.

Dennis:which is gonna be difficult, given the implications of being on a boat.

Frank:I got to take the cross off that Mac gave us. This thing is burning me to shit.

Dennis:Oh! Goddamn, Frank. Oh, my God. You might actually be the devil.

Frank:I could be Satan. Screw God!

Dennis:That being said, the timing of that big boat noise was... pretty suspect, so, Frank, maybe don't push his buttons?

Mac:I should have taken on a missionary position with them.

Mac:I even started putting battery acid on the back of his cross necklace to burn through his skin. Why? Oh, to subtly send the message that he might be a demon.

Oh, well, yikes.

Mac:Fun? No, no, the songs aren't supposed to be fun, they're supposed to be bleak and dreary, so we can focus on how bad we are.

Mac:We need to punish our ears to pay for the original sin of being born.

Mac:I feel like I've been waiting for this my entire life.

We're glad you had fun.

Mac:Yes, yeah. I'm ready to go again.

Well, you've already gone twice. We're sort of taking turns...

These winter coats were a good idea-- it is chilly. They're cranking the air conditioning. You don't want to be sick on a boat.

Frank:Oh, no, Charlie. That's just orange juice. There's no alcohol. Just orange juice, like the mixer?

Charlie:Yeah. People drink it. That's crazy to me.

Charlie:Oh, I had a diet cola mixer a while ago.

Frank:Was it any good?

Charlie:Yeah, oh, yeah.

Charlie:You can lie, but that burp told me the whole story.

Charlie:Oh, this, uh, this is an empty. A pelican dropped it and we... Yeah, we picked it up.

Frank:Well, I don't want to run back and forth to the cabin all the time, it's so far away. Son of a bitch!

Dee:That's my seat, bitch. Excuse me. Sorry. Got a little worked up. Uh, not quite in vacation mode yet. Let me try again. Um, please get your shit off my seat.

Dennis:Well, there are certain 'see you next Tuesdays' on this ship that are making it very difficult.

Dennis:See this, uh, flaxen-haired seductress across the pool over here?

Dee:Dennis, she looks like she's 12 years old.

Dennis:No, she's of age. I checked.

Dennis:because of the implication. Not that you would understand. It's not what you think it is.

Dee:No, I think I get it. We're out in the middle of the ocean. She's stuck on a boat. She couldn't possibly say no, 'cause something might go wrong for her if she did. That's... that's exactly what it is.

Dennis:How did you get that so fast?

Dee:It's like when I'm alone with a guy, and we're messing around, and he gets all skittish about banging. So then I insinuate that it would be a shame if my account of what happened was different from his and then he ended up getting a call from the sheriff.

Dee:Oh, my God! Oh, a bird shit on me! A bird shit in my mouth! I'm literally getting shit on!

Mac:I brought my cat-o'-nine-tails. You know, so, flagellate me. Three-three lashes for missing.

David:Why would you want me to do that?

Mac:So I could be a better boy.

Mac:Well, sure, yeah, it's a wonderful day now, but look at that storm coming. That's impending doom right there. He probably sent that storm because I keep failing him.

Mac:In your face! I beat your asses. Gay. Gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay.

Mac:What are you doing? Why are you two kissing?

Gay Christian:Uh, because he's my husband, and we love each other.

You think thunder is God clapping?

Dee:I knew you couldn't stop from being gluttonous. That's gone, too.

Dennis:I kind of drank... all of it.

Dennis:Charlie drank it. He needed to calm down.

Dennis:A virgin daiquiri for the virgin?

Mac:There are two guys in this church... that are gay. Who's the other guy? I don't get the joke.

Mac:Well, guys, being gay is not Christian.

Dee:That's the bitch who stole my chair!

Mac:Magic? The dark arts? First the queers. Then sorcery? This cruise is going straight to hell.

Frank:So we can go anywhere we want on the ship now. That's not exactly the first mate's costume I had in mind.

Charlie:Hey, man, you said 'first mate.' That's the only guy I know.

Charlie:So, what? We're just gonna drink straight boat fuel?

Frank:No. We're gonna cut it.

Charlie:With what?

Frank:Mixers.

Mac:Well, that and the other church was getting super Vietnamese.

Dee:Now watch while I turn these spades into stars. Oh! Oh, shit! Who's getting shit on now, bitch?

Dee:Well, what is this, boat jail? I'm not a goddamn Somali pirate, okay?

Frank:Fire the torpedoes! Full steam ahead!

Charlie:don't let him drink that! Don't let him drink our torpedo juice!

Dennis:I'm the daiquiri man, but I suspect you already knew that, didn't you?

Dennis:The thunder's really... It's throwing this whole thing off. It's making everything I say seem sinister, which it's not intended to be, you know what I mean?

Dennis:'Come in your room.' That's not what I meant. I would like to go in your room.

Dennis:I also feel like maybe... you wouldn't dare.

Dennis:It was a misunderstanding! The storm made it seem way worse than it is. She was never in any danger.

David:You're soaking wet. Are you okay?

Mac:Yeah. I was out in the rain looking for a sign from God.

Mac:I'm here to convert you. From being gay.

David:You want to convert us? You realize how insulting that is?

Mac:There's no way you guys could convert me to your lifestyle.

David:Let's give it a shot.

Mac:Well... I'm gay.

Dennis:Yeah.

Dee:No shit.

Mac:Oh, you guys knew this already?

Dennis:That you were gay?

Dee:From the day we met.

Dennis:You let the door close behind you?!

Mac:I couldn't find you guys. I wanted to hang out. I had something important to tell you.

Dennis:What is it?

Mac:There is no God.

Mac:If there was a God, there's no way that he would make me queer, right?

Mac:Honestly, what's the point anyway? There's no meaning to any of it. There's no God, there's no heaven, there's no hell.

Dee:Wrong!

Dee:You know where hell is, Mac? You know where hell is? It's right here. It's right now. We are in hell!