The Apartment

Well, I painted my apartment again. I've been living there for years. Every time I paint it, it gets me down. I look around and I think, 'Well, it's a little bit smaller now.'

I don't know where the wall outlets are. I just look for a lump with two slots in it. Looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side.

My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the starship Enterprise. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control.

That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurtling through space in your living room watching TV.

The aliens were always dropping in because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen. They'd come over Friday nights. Klingon boxing. Got to be there.

What did you do? Mousse. I moussed up.

I feel like I've had two lives. My pre-mousse, and now I begin my post-mousse.

Oh, God... I keep forgetting to enter that.

Harold and Manny.

She didn't have her wig on. It was horrifying.

Well, Manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported.

Manny, look. Kramer put mousse in his hair.

Sitting is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down. I can't decide.

Jumping up and down?

Oh, Elaine, you know the way I am... rarely ever thinking of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me.

Sure, it hurts sometimes to give and give and give...

Would you please?

I got you an apartment in this building. - No! - Yes. - No! You didn't! - Yes. I did.

Four hundred a month? Only 400 a month? Four hundred a month.

We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this is gonna be great. All the time. All the time.

The problem with talking is nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie.

You're out somewhere with people. 'Gee, you look pregnant. Are you?' Cut, cut, cut! That's not gonna work at all.

I could tell you but you won't believe it. It's not believable. How could I have done that?

You think you're an idiot, but with all due respect, I'm a much bigger idiot than you are. Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.

Ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building? Ever go to a singles' weekend in the Poconos?

You'll have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be a permanent road trip. Forget about the home-bed advantage.

But I need the home-bed advantage. Of course. We all do.

You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? He went for a cup of coffee. And, in that second, ruined my life.

My censor quit two years ago. Checked into a clinic, emotionally exhausted.

For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.

Look at this woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting, coffee-shop corned beef hash. Isn't that child abuse?

I'd like to have a kid. Of course, you have to have a date first.

Yeah, the guy with the flat head. He's a cube.

You're a good-looking guy. What do you want to walk around like that for? No, I'll put a half a can of mousse in my head like you.

I told you I don't like these sponges. They're too small. I want a big sponge! You can't pick up anything. There's no absorption.

Because somebody offered Manny $5000 for the apartment. I don't want to do it. Manny wants to do it.

I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic sequence of meaningless events. But I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.

Religion, my friend. That's what happened to me.

And how does the baldness fit into that plan?

Are you kidding? I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.

Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt that it's great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above.

Winston Churchill said, 'Why stand when you can sit?'

Come on. She'll pay you back. What's 5 grand between friends? Of course I'd pay you back. Yeah. So, what's the problem?

People don't turn down money. It's what separates us from the animals.

You're not normal. You're a great guy. I love you, but you're a pod.

I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings.

Yeah. Because I'm a pod.

Yeah, my wife couldn't make it today. She's got some thing with her mother. Who knows what's going on with her?

What's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya and 20,000 losers.

I mean, the bull charges, you move the cape... what's so hard?

You would have to be a real loser to try something like that.

That's too bad... because I really have a thing for bald guys with glasses.

I've never been able to be with just one person. I can, however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last for years and years.

I'm not. It's just a sociological experiment.

You have no idea what an idiot is.

I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden.

So, please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, lord of the idiots.

You're all winners!

Just put some soap on your finger. It'll slide right off. Well, then try axle grease.

I just found a guy who's willing to pay $10,000 for the apartment. Ten thousand? Cash! Who would pay that much? He's in the music business.

Well, occasionally, I like to help the humans.

If I was up there, you'd never hear a peep out of me. I'm as quiet as a mouse.

What am I, Fred Mertz now? What's happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a shusher? I used to be a shushee.

They just hear... 'Was that a shush? I think somebody shushed me?' Some people you can't shush. There's always a certain group. They're talking. Everyone around them is shushing them. They won't shush. They're the unshushables.